


Waiting

by zanarkand



Series: Waiting [2]
Category: Digimon - All Media Types, Digimon Adventure Zero Two | Digimon Adventure 02
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F, F/M, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mr. Ishida is best dad, Original Character Death(s), POV First Person, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath, Rewrite, Sequel, Slurs, Taito, Takedai, Violence, Yamachi, alternating pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-08
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-10-14 18:48:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 130,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10542396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zanarkand/pseuds/zanarkand
Summary: After living through hell for months, Yamato is finally free from Ken and ready to move on with his life. But are things ever really that simple? Sequel toUntold Secrets.





	1. Book One - chapter one - confessions

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a rewrite of the original _Waiting_ , which I wrote from 2001-2005. The rewrite was written from 2011-2016. For anyone who might have read my other Digimon fics at any point over the years, this is the fic that I first made up Yamato's band members for. This fic is a sequel to my fic _Untold Secrets_ , which I do recommend reading first. This fic is already finished, and I'm mostly just posting it here for archival purposes. This fic will always hold a special place in my heart, but the plot's somewhat cliche. For those who might have read the original version, or even if you haven't, here's what I feel like noting about the rewrite:
> 
> \- I tried to fix most of the really obvious, glaring errors in plot/logic. I also addressed some things I never bothered to consider before, like why Yamato's mother didn't seem to give a crap about her son being raped even though it was on the news.
> 
> \- Other things I left alone, not necessarily by choice. For example, this fic is very heavily Americanized. I was only fifteen when I started writing this. I hadn't yet learned how Japanese schools worked, or even realized that they were different (hello self-centeredness). I did consider fixing it, but there are way too many school scenes in this fic that have a direct impact on events, and to change them would require changing pretty much the entire fic, so unfortunately the Americanization stays. If it really bugs you, just pretend the school is experimenting to see how an American system would work out, or something.
> 
> \- Characterisations are also a lot more fanon-based than canon. To be honest, it's been a few years since I've watched Digimon and my memory is not the best, so I didn't even realize just how fanon-based they are. For example, I was watching the episode with Wizardmon haunting Fuji TV the other night and was surprised to see Yamato say he wasn't much of a cook, as it's the complete opposite in so many fics I've read, my own included.
> 
> \- I also left the title alone, even though it really doesn't make any sense and has nothing to do with the fic. I'm not sure it ever did, I can't remember how I finally decided on 'Waiting' for it. I do know it's too firmly ingrained in my mind as Waiting for me to ever change it. I'm okay with that, though.
> 
> \- Lastly, you'll see the story is divided into two "books". These used to have a bit more significance in the original, as I had Taichi and Yamato have ~~magical healing cock~~ sex at the end of chapter six and that no longer happens now (: In the original, Book 2 started at chapter 7 and was supposed to represent Yamato finally beginning to move on/heal from Ken and focus more on the plot with Kento/Sento. Now, while it does still somewhat represent things amping up with Kensen, Yamato is in no way over the things Ken did, and the books literally just divide the story in half (unless you count the epilogue).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _when you feel all alone_   
>  _and a loyal friend is hard to find_   
>  _you're caught in a one way street_   
>  _with the monsters in your head_   
>  _when hopes and dreams are far away and_   
>  _you feel like you can't face the day_
> 
> _let me be the one you call_  
>  _if you jump I'll break your fall_  
>  _lift you up and fly away with you into the night_  
>  _if you need to fall apart_  
>  _I can mend a broken heart_  
>  _if you need to crash then crash and burn_  
>  _you're not alone_  
>  \- **Savage Garden** , crash and burn.

"...former child prodigy Ichijouji Ken was arrested yesterday on a number of charges, including the sexual and physical assault of seventeen year old Ishida Yamato, the lead vocalist of rising fame boy band Teenage Wolves. Police are..."

"Taichi! Oh my god..." My sister was staring horrified at the television screen, a mixture of shock, revulsion, and disbelief in her voice. It was rather akin to my own horror and disgust. 

"I know, Hikari, I'm hearing it..." I absently murmured. I sat next to her, listening intently to the reporter, not quite believing what I was hearing. Loathe to take my eyes off the glowing screen, I remained hunched over, watching in repelled fascination, wondering how I could have ever missed this. Granted, Yamato had been out of school for two weeks, but every time I tried calling over there, his dad would just say he was sick and not up to talking. Something about the flu and then mono. 

And now this reporter was saying that Ken was abusing him. Had he never been sick at all? Had his dad _lied_ to me? 

"Where's the phone?" 

"What?" Hikari still hadn't stopped watching the news, even though the reporter had moved on to something else by now. 

"The phone, Hikari, the phone! You had it last, where is it?" 

She looked up at me, eyes solemn. "It's out in the living room, on the charger. Are you calling him?" 

I sighed. "I thought he was sick. That's what his dad kept telling me. 'He's sick, call back in a few days.' If I had even once suspected..." 

"You couldn't have known, Taichi," she said quietly. "Don't beat yourself up over it." 

I shook my head. "I just need to talk to him." I left my room and went out to the living room, grabbing the phone. I punched in Yamato's number and waited impatiently, hoping that someone would actually pick up. 

One ring... two rings... a gruff voice on the other end. "Hello?" 

"Mr. Ishida?" I stopped, thrown off by the noises I heard in the background. It sounded like someone was crying. Yamato? "Um, this is Taichi... Is Yamato there?" 

There was a deep, heavy sigh. "I'm sorry, Taichi, he's still—" 

"I saw the news," I blurted out, tired of the lying. "I know he's not sick. They said... they said..." I couldn't actually bring myself to say it out loud, as if there was some chance the reporter had been lying. 

"I see," Mr. Ishida said quietly. He sounded tired and old. "I'm sorry you had to find out that way. Yamato's still a minor, his name shouldn't have been said. They shouldn't have even _had_ his name." 

"Is he okay?" I asked hesitantly. There were still some sobbing noises in the background, although they seemed a bit calmer. It could have just been my imagination, though. 

"He will be, eventually." Which was answer enough, really. "He ought to be back in school next Monday. You can talk to him then." 

"Alright," I said. "Thanks. Tell him..." I paused, suddenly at a loss for words. What did you say to someone who'd been through something like that? To imagine what Yamato must have undoubtedly gone through—no. I couldn't even _begin_ to imagine it, and to try just didn't seem right. This wasn't really something that could be fixed with a few simple words over the phone. "I guess just tell him I'll see next week, and he's free to call if he wants to talk." It was lame, but I really hadn't even begun to process the shock of the news yet. 

"I'll tell him." 

I hung up the phone slowly, still rather blown away by the whole thing. And I admit it, I was also rather curious about just what exactly _did_ happen. As far as I had known, he and Ken had been really close friends. I hadn't really seen much that would indicate that had changed lately, on either of their parts. And Yamato himself had seemed more or less okay. I wondered if he would tell me anything when he came back to school. I didn't expect him to call. 

I just hoped he actually showed up next week. I missed my best friend. 

* * *

When the next Monday morning rolled around, I got up early and made it to homeroom in record time. I was anxious to see Yamato, and to talk to him. He hadn't called at all last week, which was about what I'd been expecting. Though given all the talk and rumours flying around the school, it was probably good he hadn't been there to hear it. 

I got more and more anxious as homeroom went on without any sign of Yamato. When the bell rang signalling the end and he still hadn't showed, I found it disconcertingly hard to swallow the lump of disappointment lodged bitterly in my throat. I got up from my desk and left the room slowly. On the way to second period, I found that I kept searching the halls, hoping for a glimpse of the golden blond hair and slender form I wished desperately to see. 

Second period study hall was the one class Yamato and I didn't share this year, and it dragged on slowly. Matsuda Sensei was a stickler for using the period to actually study, so I dragged out my algebra books and pretended to be reading, but in actuality I couldn't concentrate on them at all. I was wondering if Yamato would be in third period, or if he just wouldn't show up at all for the day. The moment the bell rang, I was tossing my books back into my bag and jumping up, practically running out of the room and down the halls to my third period class. 

Yamato wasn't in third. However, all three of his band members shared this class with us, and they grabbed seats near me when they came in. 

"Hey Taichi," Nyusumi greeted me. He was the keyboardist for their group, and a pretty good one at that. 

"Hey Ny. Kenji, Ratz," I nodded at the other two. Ratsuii smiled at me. He was the lead guitarist and often did backup vocals, and he was usually the most level-headed of the band. 

"Where's Yamato?" Kenji asked me, frowning. His hands were already absently beating out an anxious rhythm on the desk. Obviously, he was the group's drummer. 

I sighed. "I don't know," I told them. "He wasn't in homeroom." 

"But his dad told us he'd be back in school today," Kenji argued. 

I shrugged unhappily. "That's what his dad told me too, but he's not here. I'm sorry, I don't know any more. I haven't been able to talk to Yamato in three weeks, his dad always fields his calls." 

"Yeah, same here," Ny grumbled. "His dad kept trying to give us some bullshit about him having mono, even after that news report aired." 

"Can you really blame him, though?" Ratsuii asked. "If something like that happened to me, I'd rather have everyone thinking I was sick, too." 

I opened my mouth to respond, but just then the bell rang and Mitsuo Sensei swept into the room, clapping her hands to get everyone's attention. 

"Alright students, settle down!" she called. "It's time to get started, so please take out your books and some paper. We'll be starting a new chapter today." 

The four of us grew silent, Ny and Kenji turning around in their seats to face the front. I got out my books with a heavy heart, great black waves of disappointment washing over me. I'd still been hoping Yamato would show up at the last minute. I just wanted to see him, to reassure myself that he was more or less okay, no matter what Ken may have done to him. But it seemed that just wasn't going to happen today. 

I didn't hear a word of class. 

* * *

A couple more class periods later, and lunch time finally rolled around. Yamato had still been a no-show, and I'd pretty much given up watching for him. There were only two classes left, it would be pointless for him to go at that point. 

I sat down at my usual table with Koushiro, Sora, and Mimi, who'd moved back to Odaiba a couple years ago. I was picking at my bento, half-heartedly listening to Sora talking about some guy in her tennis club she wanted to ask out, when suddenly Koushiro gasped out, "Yamato?" 

For some reason I paled a bit, and then whirled around to see Yamato standing behind me. He gave us all a small half-smile. "Hi," he said. As he chatted with the others a bit, I took the time to study him. It'd only been three weeks, but he seemed so changed from the Yamato I'd last joked and laughed with, the Yamato I'd said 'see you tomorrow' to on that Thursday. 

He just seemed so worn, and _defeated_ , and though he was smiling at the other three, the smile wasn't reaching his eyes at all. It was a smile purely for their benefit, a smile that he didn't feel one part of. There were dark hollows under his eyes, hollows that suggested he didn't remember the last time he'd had a proper sleep, and the eyes themselves were filled with shadows, ones that had never been there before. Whatever Ken did to him, it was _bad_. 

"Taichi?" Yamato said, and I realised he'd been trying to get my attention. 

"Yeah! Sorry," I said sheepishly. "I was somewhere else, you know me..." 

He gave me another one of those fake smiles. "I asked if you wanted to come outside and sit with me, talk a bit." 

My stomach gave a funny little lurch. Did he actually want to _talk_? "Sure," I said, standing up. "I'm done here." I shoved the remains of my lunch to the middle of the table, knowing that if one of the others didn't eat it, they'd at least throw it away for me. "Let's go." 

We headed out the back of the school, and I followed Yamato to a cluster of trees a little ways away. He sat down in a shady spot below them, motioning for me to do the same. I did, staying silent. Now that Yamato was actually here, I found that everything I'd been wanting to say to him for the past week had completely flown out of my head. 

"I'm glad you're here," I said eventually, when Yamato didn't seem inclined to speak either. 

"Yeah," he said quietly, and fell silent again. I sat listening to the slight rustle of the leaves above us, shivering slightly in the February chill. Instead of trying to make him talk again, I decided to just let him speak when he was ready, if he even _was_ going to speak. I still wasn't sure if he really wanted to. Eventually, however, it paid off, because some time later he finally spoke up. 

"Four months," he said softly. 

"What?" I asked, caught off-guard. I looked at him, eyes reflecting my confusion. 

He closed his own eyes briefly. "It went on for four months," he clarified. "K-Ken, I mean," he said, stumbling on Ken's name a bit. 

_Four months?_ He'd only been out of school for three weeks... How had he hidden it for so long? How had I never _noticed_? He'd seemed more or less the same, maybe a bit more tired and distracted that past month before his absence, but I'd put it down to stress over the band and their upcoming fanclub concert, and when his dad said he'd gotten sick I'd figured that must have been it... Of course, he wasn't sick at all... "I saw the news," I admitted hesitantly. 

"I know. My dad said." 

"That reporter said you were physically assaulted, and, well—" I just didn't want to say it. 'Rape' was such an ugly word, and dressing it up in phrases like 'sexual assault' didn't do a thing to disguise its ugliness. I didn't want that word to apply to my best friend. 

Yamato turned his head, looking out over the field instead. "He had a crush on me." 

_What?_ What did that have to do with anything? I stayed quiet, hoping he'd explain himself more. 

"He asked me out. I turned him down. He hurt me... he apologised after, and I stupidly believed him." Yamato paused, swallowing. He still wasn't looking at me, and his voice was so quiet, hardly above a whisper. Everything around us was completely still. Even the leaves in the trees had stopped swaying, as if sensing the seriousness of our topic. "About a week later, I invited him round. Just to watch movies, and try to fix our friendship. I woke up in the middle of the night, and he was in my bed. His hand was down..." he trailed off then, voice hitching, but I got the picture. The horrifying, all too clear picture. 

"That must have been terrifying," I said softly to him. To wake up in the night and find someone you used to trust, were trying to trust once more, in your bed touching you... 

He nodded jerkily. "Yeah." The bell rang in the distance just then, but we both ignored it. I didn't care about history class. Yamato was more important. "It just kept— _escalating_ , after that. He started getting violent. I didn't know what to do. I was scared." 

"Why didn't you tell someone?" 

He actually laughed at that, a dark, bitter sound. "I was going to. I threatened to. He said he'd kill me. That was about three weeks ago." 

Right about the time he'd stopped coming to school. Had Ken actually _tried_ to kill him? If so, it had obviously failed, but... "What happened?" I asked gently, knowing that _something_ had. Something different. Significant. 

He finally looked back at me then. He wasn't crying, though his eyes were sad and desperate. I felt so pained, seeing him with such a look. He shouldn't have looked like that. He didn't deserve it. "I didn't want to tell you," he said. He laughed again. "Actually, I didn't want to tell you _any_ of this, until that reporter. But this... I wasn't going to tell you this. But I think you'd find out eventually, somehow, and I'd rather it be from me." 

"Tell me what?" I asked him, not sure what he was talking about. 

He lifted his right hand, where a plaster cast was peeking out of his long sleeves. I'd noticed it earlier, in the lunchroom, but hadn't yet wanted to ask him about it. "You noticed this, I'm sure," he said, and I nodded. He took a deep breath then, and, still looking at me, pulled back his left sleeve to reveal a white gauze bandage wrapped around his wrist a few times. 

I didn't get it at first. But then he told me, "There used to be a similar one around my right wrist, before the cast," and then it hit me, what he was trying to tell me. 

He'd tried to kill himself. 

"Oh," I said, too shocked to come up with another response. It was like my brain was just refusing to process what it was being told. I didn't want to believe Yamato would hurt himself any more than I wanted to believe that Ken hurt him. "Yamato, I'm so sorry..." 

He yanked his sleeve back down, and then pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. "I know it was dumb," he said. "I just thought, I'd rather kill myself than let him kill me." 

I could not even begin to imagine what kind of fear you'd have to be living in for a thought process like that to seem okay. I was starting to really hate Ken for what he'd apparently done to Yamato. 

"There's more," he said then. "But Ny's coming this way, so it'll have to wait." 

I blinked, and looked back in the direction of the school. Nyusumi was indeed heading this way, his dyed purple hair blowing around him in the breeze that had once again picked back up. 

"Did he know you were here?" I asked, surprised. 

"Yeah, I stopped and saw the band briefly before I went over to see you guys." Yamato shrugged. "I didn't tell him I'd be out here, though." 

"Ah." We stopped talking and watched him approach. "What's up, Ny?" I asked when he reached us. 

He looked down at us. "Motokuri Sensei sent me to find you, Taichi. I told him you were here at roll call." He glanced between me and Yamato. "I didn't tell him you were here though, Yamato. I wasn't sure if you intended to go to class." 

Yamato shrugged. "I'm here, I might as well." 

I sighed, reluctantly getting to my feet. "Is he really mad?" I asked Ny. 

"More annoyed at this point, although if you don't show up in the next five minutes he'll probably be pissed." 

"Alright." I waved Ny away. "Go on, we'll be right behind you." 

Ny just nodded at us and started heading back. I looked down at Yamato, still sitting beneath the tree. He looked so lost and forlorn, a look I hadn't seen on him since our first days in the Digital World. It was breaking my heart. "We'll talk more later?" I asked, trying to let nothing of what I was feeling show. 

He gave me a small smile. To his credit, it was actually a real one. "Yeah. Come round to my place after school. I know you've probably got questions." 

"You don't have to answer them, you know," I told him seriously. "You didn't have to tell me any of this, honestly. Not that I don't appreciate it," I added hastily. "I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me." 

"You're the only person I ever considered telling over these past few months," he admitted softly. "I really missed you." 

I was a bit taken aback by that, and didn't quite know what to say. I ignored the little flutter my heart gave. Instead I just smiled at him and held out a hand to help him up. "Come on, let's get to class before Sensei gives me detention for life." 

* * *

"I'm home," I dutifully announced that evening as I walked into my family's apartment, shutting the door behind me. 

"Welcome home," I heard my sister call back. I wandered into the kitchen where she was sitting at the table, doing some homework. For reasons I couldn't fathom, Hikari always preferred to do her homework there rather than her bedroom desk. I did it at the table too, sometimes, but only because it put me closer to the fridge. More than one teacher had noted food stains on my homework in the past. 

"Where's mom and dad?" I asked her as I opened the fridge, staring moodily into it. I shut it back a moment later without taking anything out. I really wasn't in the mood for any food. 

Hikari watched me shut the fridge in surprise, eyebrows raised slightly. "Dad's in their room watching tv, and mom's in the shower." 

"Oh." I opened the freezer for good measure, found nothing appealing, and shut it. "I'm going to my room to rest. If you see Mom, tell her I'm home safe." 

"Are you okay?" she asked me, sounding a bit concerned. 

I shrugged and started to leave. "I'm fine." I went into my bedroom and closed the door, tossing my bookbag at our desk and climbing into the bottom bunk of my bed. It was the same bed I had once shared with my sister when we were younger, and I had never bothered to ask my parents for a newer one. It was a place to sleep, that was enough for me. 

I let out a breath and stared at the wooden slab of the bunk above me. I couldn't stop thinking about the things I'd learned today. I'd went over to Yamato's after school let out, and he'd told me a bit more. Mostly about those three weeks he'd been gone. His dad had found him and rushed him to the hospital after his suicide attempt, and apparently the hospital saw some things that made them suspicious, so they'd done an examination and found evidence that suggested that someone had been hurting him. He'd told me how he was too afraid to tell his dad the truth. How he'd stood up to Ken once and got stabbed for it. How he'd refused to let Ken in and finally realised how ridiculous everything had become. How he'd told his dad, and they'd gone to the police next day, and had Ken arrested a few days after that. 

He didn't actually give much in the way of details, but just the few things he did say were horrifying enough. To think that Ken had actually gone so far as to stab him... Yamato could have died. Hell, he could have succeeded in his suicide attempt. I could have lost my best friend. 

What could have made Ken do such horrible things in the first place? Granted, he'd been the Digimon Kaiser when he was younger, but at least then he'd had the excuse of thinking Digimon were just data to be manipulated. And it was a pretty big leap besides to go from abusing monsters you didn't think were real to abusing an actual human being, someone you knew was real and supposedly considered a close friend. 

_He had a crush on me_ , Yamato had said. I didn't understand that one at all. I've had a crush on Yamato for months, but never once have I considered hurting him because of it. 

"Taichi?" There was a quick knock on the door, interrupting my musing, and then Hikari came in. She shut the door back behind her and came over to the bed, sitting down on the edge beside me. 

"What is it, Hikari?" I asked, sighing. Couldn't she see that I just wanted to be alone for awhile? 

"What's wrong?" 

"What makes you think anything's wrong?" I asked her. 

She gave me a look. "Come on, Taichi. I know you, and I know when something's bothering you. Spill." 

I rolled over onto my side away from her, facing the wall. Any pretense of pretending to be fine was gone. "I saw Yamato today," I admitted. "He came to school at lunch time." 

"Really? Is he doing okay?" She sounded curious, but also genuinely sympathetic. 

I thought of the bandage on Yamato's wrist and the shadows in his eyes as he talked, and laughed. It wasn't a happy sound. "Not really." I closed my eyes, feeling so angry all of a sudden. "I think Ken messed him up pretty bad." 

Hikari didn't say anything to that, so I went on. "I just... I don't understand. You know they got to be pretty close friends these past couple years. I don't get why or how Ken could do the things he did." 

"Well," Hikari began slowly. "I'm not saying this is an excuse, or that it makes what he did alright, but Daisuke recently told me a few things about Ken that might help explain why he went so off the deep end." 

I rolled back over. "Yeah? Like what?" 

She looked at me, her face solemn and voice stern. "You can't tell anyone about this, okay? Daisuke swore me to secrecy when he told me. I really shouldn't even be telling you." 

"I swear, Hikari, I won't tell anyone. Please tell me." 

"Well, apparently Daisuke had a conversation with Ken a couple months ago, and Ken told Daisuke that he'd been having a lot of dreams about being constantly surrounded by darkness. He said that he often felt like he was choking, and several times he'd find himself endlessly falling in a pitch black hole. He also dreamed about being the Digimon Kaiser again, and doing horrible things." 

"Well no wonder, considering he _was_ doing horrible things," I muttered. 

Hikari shrugged. "No one knew that at the time. You remember how he'd been the past few months. We all knew something was bothering him. Daisuke figured the dreams were just a manifestation of what he was feeling, so he asked if anything bad had happened lately to make him feel that way." 

She stopped talking for a minute, getting off the edge of the bed and wandering over to my desk. She started absently twirling around the globe that was sitting on it. When it didn't seem that she was going to speak any more, I spoke up impatiently. "Well? Had anything happened?" 

She gave the globe another spin for good measure. "Yeah. Turns out Ken had a baby brother that he never told anyone about." 

"What!" I exclaimed, sitting up fast. "How did no one know that? Why he didn't tell anyone?" 

"Daisuke didn't say. I got the feeling _Ken_ didn't say. But he had a brother, only a few months old. Ken and his parents went out to eat one night, for his birthday I think, and left Subaru—his brother—at home with a babysitter. When they got back they found both of them dead. The babysitter had been raped, and both of them had been stabbed and left to bleed to death." 

I could only stare at my sister at that point, shocked completely beyond speech. How had something like _that_ managed to happen to Ken, and not one of us knew it? Hell, Ken probably never even told Yamato. 

Hikari gave me a grave look, finally abandoning the globe to sit in the desk chair. "You understand, of course, you can't tell anyone this. You promised." 

"I know. I won't, Hikari. Just... man. What a horrible thing to come home to. Ken's got the worst luck with brothers," I said grimly. 

Hikari didn't respond to that, and we sat in an uncomfortable disquiet for a bit. I was trying to digest everything she had told me, though it was hard to wrap my mind around it. She was right, it didn't excuse the things Ken did to Yamato, and it didn't really make me hate him any less, but it was easier to understand just how messed up it made him. It couldn't be a coincidence that the babysitter was raped and stabbed, and then Ken turned around a bit later and did the same thing to Yamato. It was just lucky that Yamato didn't die from it. 

"Do you still like Yamato?" 

"Huh?" I jerked, startled out of my thoughts, and narrowly missed hitting my head on the ladder to the top bunk. "Of course, he's my friend, why wouldn't I?" 

"Don't be deliberately dense, Taichi." 

I sighed. "Yes, I still like him. That hasn't changed. You'd think after half a year I'd give up..." 

"Why not tell him?" 

I gave her a wild, panicked look at that. "What! No! I can't tell him something like that." 

"Why not?" 

"Because," I said incredulously. "I can't just tell him something like that out of nowhere. Especially not now, not after everything he's been through. He'd probably hate me." 

"He wouldn't, Taichi," she told me softly. "You're his best friend." 

"I don't even know if he likes guys." 

"You'll never know if you don't tell him." 

"Let's not argue over this," I said, suddenly weary. "I just don't think it's a good time to tell him. I'm not ready." 

"Fine," she said, standing up. "But at least consider it." Then she was gone. 

I stared after her as she left. I knew her heart was in the right place. She'd always been supportive of me ever since I confessed to her that I was gay and had a crush on Yamato. If all this with Ken hadn't happened, I might have actually considered telling him. But all I could think about was what Yamato had said at lunch. 

_"He had a crush on me."_

And he'd been hurt for it. I didn't want Yamato to get the wrong idea, or question my motives for telling him. I didn't want him to be afraid or worry that I'd hurt him if he turned me down. 

I couldn't tell Hikari that, though. Yamato had told me in confidence, and I'd never betray him by telling his business to anyone, especially not something so personal and painful. No, I just couldn't tell him right now. 

I laid back down and rolled over to face the wall again. 

* * *

I got up early the next morning and got ready for school quickly, foregoing breakfast. It surprised my parents, but sometimes there were more important things than food. Once ready, I headed over to Yamato's apartment, wanting to walk to school with him. It was an old, comfortable ritual ever since we'd started high school, and I'd missed it the past few weeks. 

"Hey, Mr. Ishida," I greeted him when he answered my knock. "I'm here for Yamato. Is he still here?" 

Mr. Ishida sighed. "Hello, Taichi. He's still here. He's in his room, upset about something. Maybe you can get him to talk." 

_Upset?_ "Sure. I'll go talk to him." I walked in as he stepped aside, heading directly for Yamato's room. I found him sitting on his bed, still dressed in pyjama's, staring moodily down at the school uniform he had clenched in his hands. 

"Yamato?" I asked him quietly, coming over and sitting down next to him on the bed. "What's wrong?" 

He didn't look at me, just grasped his uniform tighter and shrugged. "I don't want to go," he admitted softly. 

"Why not?" I asked. 

He looked up at me briefly, and to my surprise, his eyes were watery. He wasn't quite crying, but he was close. It completely shocked me, because Yamato would never cry around someone if he could help it. Even I'd only seen him cry a handful of times in the six years I'd known him. 

"What is it?" I asked, feeling my stomach clench. I felt helpless and I hated it. I didn't like seeing him in pain. 

There was a long pause, and then Yamato let out a choked sob, looking down at his hands. "They're saying I made it up!" 

"Who is, and made what up?" I was confused, not at all sure what he was talking about. 

"Yesterday, between sixth and seventh period. You remember, Motokuri Sensei held me back after class... I told you to go on ahead?" 

"I remember," I said, beginning to have an inkling of what he was talking about. 

"I went to seventh by myself... people in the halls were whispering, but I could still hear them. They were talking about me, saying that I made everything up, that I just lied and got scared about my relationship with Ken... they said—" 

Dammit. I'd been hoping that with Yamato actually back, people wouldn't talk so openly about it. I hadn't wanted him to know about all the rumours that had been flying around about him and Ken recently. 

"I called Takeru yesterday, after you left. He said there's all kinds of rumours, and that they've been going on since that news report. Did you know, one girl even came up to me at my locker and asked how I could have the nerve to put the blame on Ken?" He bit his lip and glanced over at me. A couple of tears slid down his cheek, unbidden. "How could they even think that? I wouldn't, I didn't! I swear, Taichi, I wouldn't lie about that!" 

"I know," I soothed him. "I know, Yamato. I believe you, okay? Everyone who really knows you and cares about you believes you. That's what's important." 

"Did you know?" he asked, ignoring my pathetic attempts at comfort. "Did you hear all those rumours too?" 

I sighed. "Yes," I said, "but I don't pay any attention to them. You shouldn't either. They're just rumours, Yamato, stupid rumours by stupid kids who don't know any better. They don't have anything better to do, but in a week or two when the next big thing comes along they'll have forgotten you and the rumours will die off. Don't let them get to you." 

Yamato looked skeptical at that, but he didn't protest it. 

I stood up, gesturing to the uniform still in his lap. "You gonna put that thing on, or are you planning on having a 'go to school in your pyjamas' day?" 

That actually earned me a smile, for which I was glad. 

* * *

Fifteen minutes later we were on our way to school. We'd probably be a little late to homeroom, but not by much. We didn't really talk much on the way. The closer we got to school, the more nervous Yamato got. It was clear he still really didn't want to go, and I didn't really know what else to say to reassure him. This whole situation was new territory to me, and I was floundering on how to help. 

And to be honest, I was also still a little distracted thinking about the things both Yamato and Hikari had said to me yesterday. Before Yamato had disappeared for three weeks, I'd actually been considering confessing my crush to him. Even if he didn't return my feelings, I just wanted it out in the open, tired of trying to hide it for months. But then the truth about Ken came out, and knowing how it started... well, it just seemed like a really bad idea. 

And yet, I'd been thinking about it all night, wondering if I could find some way to tell him and make it absolutely clear that I'd felt that way beforehand, and had already planned on telling him, and that I had no intention of hurting him... But then I started wondering if Yamato really needed something like that on his plate after everything else he'd been through, and I really didn't even know just how much he was affected by it, other than the fact that it drove him to attempt suicide... and I certainly didn't want to be the one to cause his second attempt... 

It was all so confusing. I just didn't know what to do. 

"Alright?" I asked him when we were about ten minutes from the school. 

"Fine," he said shortly, and then we rounded a corner, and there they were. 

"Shit," Yamato said, spotting them at the same time I did. 

I turned back around. "We can go the long way, they haven't see—" 

I was interrupted by Kento letting out a yell, and cursed. They'd seen us. I started running, and hoped Yamato had the sense to do the same. I really didn't feel like getting beat up, and it was probably the last thing Yamato needed. 

I heard more shouting behind us. It was Tetsuya, yelling gleefully about not being bored anymore. "Finally, something to do!" 

It was no use. I felt someone slam into my back, knocking me to the ground, my whole body jarring. Beside me I heard Yamato let out a cry, and I could only assume he'd received a similar treatment. 

I rolled over onto my side, trying to get up, but then someone kicked me hard in the stomach, and I cried out at the sudden pain. Annoyed, I lashed my arms out, wildly grabbing around for whoever was still kicking me, and managed to get a hold of a booted leg mid-swing. I tugged with all my might, and brought someone crashing down on top of me. 

I didn't take the time to figure out who it was. I just started swinging, hoping that at least some of my hits would land. One of the other four joined the fray then, and I could tell by the amused laughter and taunts that it was Kento. His fist smashed into my nose, and I yelled in surprise, feeling blood start to trickle out. 

I retaliated by landing a hard punch to _his_ nose, and he gave a roar of anger, hands flying to his face as he started dripping blood everywhere. The other guy hitting me momentarily let go, probably intending to help Kento, and I took advantage of their distraction to jump up and tackle Kento down, landing in a few good hits before the other guy—who I'd finally seen was Ayashi—pulled me off him. 

"Fuck this!" Kento shouted. "Let's get out of here!" 

I didn't bother to watch them leave. I immediately jumped up, ignoring my stomach's protest of pain, and went over to where Yamato was curled up on the sidewalk. 

I crouched down beside him. "Yamato?" I asked him worriedly. "Are you okay?" 

He shook his head, which was both reassuring and not at the same time. 

"What's wrong?" 

He finally sat up then, and I noticed that he was breathing rather rapidly, and trembling. Instantly I was alarmed. "I feel funny," he said faintly, his eyes wide and scared as he looked at me. "I feel funny. Taichi! I can't breathe, my chest hurts, I think I'm gonna pass out... what's wrong with me, am I going crazy?" 

My own eyes went wide. "What? Shit!" Hesitantly I reached a hand out towards him and then yanked it back, unsure what to do to help him. I didn't have a clue what was wrong with him. Had Kento and his stupid friends done something to him? 

"Taichi!" He sounded really panicked now, so I did the one thing I could think of. I hurriedly ran over to my bookbag where it'd fallen when Ayashi had jumped me, and practically ripped open the side pocket, fumbling around until I found my cell phone. 

Pulling it out, I quickly dialled for EMS and explained the situation, which was basically that I didn't know what was wrong. They promised to send an ambulance to my location, and I hung up and went back over to Yamato. 

I didn't know what to do for him other than just sit beside him and hope that he'd be okay. "Ambulance is on its way," I told him. "Just try to stay calm," I added uselessly. 

He nodded, looking miserable and scared. It was killing me to see him looking like that, and not be able to do a damn thing for him. 

I just hoped the ambulance was fast. 

* * *

"Taichi?" 

I snapped my head up fast at the sound of Yamato's groggy voice next to me. "You're awake!" I exclaimed, relieved. I stood up and nearly lost my balance again, my body numb from sitting an hour in that hard plastic chair. 

"Mmm, yeah. What happened?" he asked, blinking and slowly sitting up. 

I stared uneasily at him for a moment. "You don't remember?" I asked him worriedly. 

He gave me a wry look. "I remember getting jumped, don't worry about that. And I remember feeling all weird and you calling an ambulance. I sort of remember them arriving, but then it gets hazy and everything else after that is blank." 

"Oh," I said, highly relieved. "Well, the ambulance got there, like you said. You were panicking pretty bad by that point, and when one of them touched you, you lashed out and popped him in the eye, so they sedated you." 

He frowned, looking slightly guilty at punching an EMT. He'd actually given the guy a black eye, but I declined to mention that tidbit. "So what was wrong with me then?" 

It was my turn to frown. "Actually, they said from the sound of your symptoms, it was most likely just a panic attack. They said that a lot of people come to the hospital with a panic attack, thinking they're having a heart attack or going crazy." 

"A panic attack? That was a panic attack? I thought I was gonna die!" Yamato looked both confused and upset, and I couldn't really blame him. I had been terrified, and I wasn't even the one experiencing it. Of course, the doctor had also said that panic attacks were more scary than life-threatening, but that didn't really help. 

"Is my dad around?" Yamato asked, glancing around our little curtained off area of the ER. 

I just stared at him, suddenly feeling incredibly stupid. I'd been here an hour and a half waiting for Yamato to wake, and not once had I considered calling Mr. Ishida to let him know what had happened. How could I not remember? I was such a moron. 

"Taichi?" Yamato prompted. 

I shook my head a little. "Sorry, just feeling really dumb. No, he's not around. I forgot to call him. Here." I pulled my phone out of my pocket and handed it over, belatedly remembering the no cell phones in the building rule and then deciding to ignore it. Yamato took it, flipping it open and dialling his dad's cell. 

He talked with his dad for a few minutes, telling him he was in the hospital, no he's fine, it's not important, really—I tuned him out until he shut the phone and handed it back to me. "He's leaving work to come pick us up." 

I nodded, and sat back down on that evil chair to wait. 

Mr. Ishida showed up about thirty minutes later, slipping through the curtain to us. He went over to Yamato, looking relieved that he really did seem okay. "What happened?" he asked him. Yamato shrugged at him, muttering something unintelligible. He looked down at the bed, idly tracing the threads of the blanket he was sitting on top of. 

After a few minutes, it was clear Yamato wasn't going to explain, so I sighed and did. "We got jumped by this gang of kids on the way to school. They get bored and like to randomly beat on people who pass near them. Yamato had a panic attack, only we didn't know that's what it was, so I called for EMS. He really is fine, Mr. Ishida." 

"Yes, the doctor told me it was just a panic attack and there was nothing to worry about, at least." He looked at his son, eyes a bit sad. "Let's get you guys out of here, huh?" 

"Gladly," I said. "This place is so hectic and noisy. Curtains suck at blocking sound." 

Mr. Ishida sent a small smile in my direction. "The doctor said you'd been here a little while. Not a fun way to spend the morning, I'm sure." He changed the subject then. "Are you two going back to school, or would you rather just go home?" 

Yamato finally spoke up at that question. "I wanna go home." 

"I'd like to stay with him, if that's okay?" 

Mr. Ishida shrugged. "It's fine with me, as long as your mother agrees. Just call her and let her know what happened, and if she okays it we'll bring you back with us." 

"Okay. Thanks." I hopped off the chair and went outside to call my mom. 

* * *

I woke the next morning sore from sleeping on a pile of blankets on Yamato's floor. I'd wound up staying the night round his, mostly because I was still a little shaken from the day's scares and didn't quite want to leave him yet. We used to share his bed when I stayed over, the two of us crammed together, but after what he'd told me about how it started with Ken, there was no way I was getting in that bed with him. I didn't want to trigger any bad memories. 

Still, the night had actually felt a bit like before, with the two of us watching movies and him trying to keep my bottomless pit of a stomach fed with all the junk food in his kitchen he never ate. There was less talk and laughter than there used to be, but since I was surprised to really get any at all, I wasn't complaining. 

"Taichi? You awake?" Yamato said quietly, and I groaned. 

"Yeah, I'm up," I said. "Kinda wish I wasn't, I feel pretty sore. Ayashi got me pretty good, that bastard." 

"You going to school today?" 

"I dunno, are you?" 

"No." 

"What? Why not?" 

"I'm just... not really ready, still," he admitted. "I know it's stupid, because it was on the news, but I didn't expect the whole school to know what happened to me. And worse, to sit there and discuss it and make up all these rumours. I don't want to face that yet." 

"But you were going to go yesterday," I protested, a bit upset. 

"I know, but I really didn't want to. I thought maybe I could handle it, but the closer we got, the more anxious I got... I'm just not ready yet." 

I sat up slowly, wincing. Damn but Ayashi had kicked me good. I gingerly lifted my shirt and looked at my stomach. Black and blue, how surprising. "So when do you think you'll be ready, then?" I asked Yamato, ignoring my bruises. I really couldn't do anything for them anyways. 

I heard him sigh. "Probably Monday. I've missed so much already, I doubt Dad will let me stay out much longer." He paused. "You should go, though. There's no reason not to, and I don't want your parents killing me for being a bad influence, or something." 

"I suppose..." I said reluctantly. I would have preferred to stay with Yamato, honestly. Now that I was allowed to see him again, I didn't want to leave him. 

"Just go. You can come by afterwards and tell me all about it." 

"Yeah, because it's so different from every other day we've went." 

"We have some crazy classmates. You never know." 

"We have Kenji, you mean." 

"Same thing." 

I smiled, getting to my feet. Yamato was sitting up as well, and he was actually smiling too. I'd go to school for the rest of my life, if only he would continue to smile like that. "Fine," I said. "I'll go. But I'll definitely be back afterwards, so you better be awake." 

"Don't worry, Dad wouldn't let me sleep all day even if I wanted to." 

"Good, you'll get lazy that way." 

"Shut up and go get ready," he said, still smiling. I did. 

* * *

Twenty minutes later found me walking the usual route to Odaiba High. I half expected to see Kento's gang lying in wait for me, but they were nowhere to be seen. However, when I reached the school, I found everyone else waiting for me instead. A lower classman boy I'd never seen before ran up to me. "Hey, it's you!" he said in excitement. "Is it really true that you beat up Kento?" 

I recoiled. _What?_ How did he know I'd gotten into a fight with Kento? Had someone seen? "I guess..." I said after a moment. Not that I would really phrase it as "beat up," but I _had_ given him a bloody nose... 

"Awesome!" he cried, and ran off again. I could hear him shouting "It's true! He beat him up!" to a group of his friends waiting nearby. 

Was it already around the entire school? If so, I was in for some trouble. Kento and his gang were very well known around our school for their violence and criminal behaviour. Even before Tetsuya and Ayashi had started hanging around them, Kento and his twin brother Sento had always been trouble, bullying kids and beating people up just because they could. 

And once the other two boys joined them, they became an unholy terror. They did whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, regardless of anyone else. You didn't fight back, you didn't stand up to them, you just lowered your head and waited for them to leave you alone. 

And I'd given Kento a bloody nose. 

Fuck. 

More people began crowding around me, trying to ask me questions about the fight. A couple even wanted an autograph, which was just ridiculous. I wormed my way through them all slowly, just wanting to get to homeroom and away from all the crazy. I was a little dazed at all the attention, to be honest. How did Yamato deal with this all the time? 

"Taichi!" I heard a familiar voice call my name, and I looked towards the direction it had come from, trying to find its source. 

"Taichi!" it persisted, and I pushed through a few more people, finally spotting the pulled back purple hair that indicated Nyusumi. 

"Ny!" I called back towards, shoving past more people. Finally I caught up to him. "What's going on?" I asked. "How does everyone know?" 

He just ignored my question, instead grabbing my hand and pulling me away from everyone. He led me towards the old gym off to the side of the school. The school had abandoned it when they'd built a newer, much bigger gym annexed on the back. Technically, no one was supposed to go in the old gym, and once upon a time it had been locked, but so many kids kept busting the locks that they got tired of replacing them and instead would just run people out of there every so often. 

Once we got inside, away from the noise of the crowd and settled under the bleachers, I repeated my question for him. "How does everyone know about Kento?" 

"Some kid apparently heard the commotion and went over just in time to see you punch Kento in the nose and then watched as Kento ran off. He didn't stick around because he didn't want to get beat up, so no one's exactly sure what happened, but the fact that you gave him a bloody nose is around the entire school already." 

"That's just great," I muttered. "Just what I need." 

He gave me a rather grave look. "He's going to want revenge, you know." 

"He's the one that jumped us!" I protested. 

"Yeah, but you fought back. How often do you hear of that happening?" 

"I so do not need this," I moaned, putting my head in my hands. "I really don't." 

He patted my back sympathetically. I dimly heard the bell for homeroom begin to ring over in the main building. "We should go to homeroom," I said, voice muffled by my hands, but I didn't make any move to get up, and neither did Ny. 

"Who's us?" he asked instead. 

"Huh?" I raised my head, giving him a confused look. "What do you mean?" 

"You said, 'he's the one that jumped _us_.' Who is us?" 

"Me and Yamato...? We were on our way to school and ran into them. They were bored and decided to beat us up." 

"What?" he cried. "Yamato was there, too?" 

"Yeah," I said slowly, giving him another confused look. "But it's fine. He didn't touch Kento. He didn't even fight any of them back." 

"Trust me, that's not going to matter to Kento," he said grimly. "Yamato was there, that's enough for him to go after you both." 

"But the school is only talking about me," I said, feeling rather numb all of a sudden. All I was trying to do yesterday was protect Yamato, to get them to go away as quickly as possible and not hurt him. He'd suffered enough, I didn't want him in any more pain. 

Thanks to that, I'd made him a target? 

"Well, how bad could it really be?" I said, trying to stay positive. "So he's mad, he'll beat us up again and prove he's better than us, and then he'll leave us alone. Problem solved." 

"Maybe. If you're lucky," Ny said dully. "Kento's bad news, Taichi. There's no guarantee he won't try to hurt you or Yamato bad. And I really don't know if Yamato could handle that right now. Not after what he's been through." He shifted slightly, looking suddenly uncomfortable. 

"What is it?" I asked him. 

He shifted some more, looking away from me. "It's just... I don't even know what all he's really been through, exactly, and I only saw him briefly the other day, but he looked so _different_ , like he'd been to hell and seen it all, and then still came back to tell the tale. So I know it's bad." He shrugged, sheepish. "I just don't want him to be in any more pain. He doesn't deserve that." 

I blinked, somewhat surprised. I didn't really know any of Yamato's band members that well, though I'd hung out with them several times and had some classes with them, but Ny had always previously seemed a little aloof to me. Or as if he cared more about himself than others. To hear him talk like that about Yamato now was not something I had expected. "That's really... caring," I remarked, and to my further surprise, he blushed. 

I stared, and then stared some more. Ny just blushed deeper, still not looking at me, and didn't say anything. A realisation was slowly dawning on me, one that made little things over the years make so much more sense. 

"You like him." 

He didn't respond, and I grinned, ignoring the pang of jealousy I felt. "That's so sweet!" I teased him. 

He frowned. "Shut up. It doesn't matter, anyways," he added. 

"Why not?" I asked, eyebrows raised. 

"For one, you have a crush on him too, so don't even start teasing me. And two, I already know for a fact that he likes someone else." 

It was my turn to blush. "I don't have a crush on him!" I denied. "And how do you know he likes someone?" 

"Because he told me," he said simply. "And please, your crush is so obvious that even the people at the very end of Kyushu picked up on it. I don't know how Yamato hasn't yet." 

"I am _not_ obvious!" I cried. Then I stopped and thought for a moment, and groaned. "Am I?" 

"The band's had a pool going for the past five months now, taking bets on whether you'll tell him before he figures it out." 

"Oh man," I whined, just as the bell rang to end homeroom. "That is so not cool, Ny." 

"Sorry," he said, not sounding the least bit sorry at all. 

"I hate you sometimes," I told him. 

* * *

"Taichi! At last!" Yamato said when I walked into his room after school. He sounded rather... exuberant. His dad practically yanking me into the apartment when I knocked suddenly made much more sense. Yamato must have been bored out of his mind and driving him crazy. 

"Hey," I greeted him, smiling. I was pretty glad to see him, too. School was always so much more boring without him there. 

"Anything interesting happen today?" he asked, shutting his laptop and looking at me proper. 

"Actually..." 

"Oh?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. He pushed his chair away from his desk and stood up. "You hungry? Want a snack?" 

"Sure," I said. "You know I'm never one to turn down food." 

"Come on then." 

On the way to the kitchen, I started to tell him about how the whole school knew about Kento, and the things Ny had said about him wanting revenge on us both. 

"That's just great," he said, unknowingly echoing my earlier words. He held up a single serving frozen pizza, and at my nod, tore open the box and tossed it in the microwave. 

"I'm sorry," I told him, feeling bad. "I really wasn't thinking about it... I just wanted Kento to leave us alone. I didn't mean to drag you into it." 

"It's not your fault, Taichi. It's not like you asked them to jump us. I can't blame you for fighting back. I probably would have too, if I had been thinking clear." 

"Still. They shouldn't go after you. You didn't do anything to them." 

The microwave beeped then, and he shrugged, carefully taking out the pizza and deftly slipping it on a plate before sliding it over to me. I grabbed it and carried it over to the table, sitting down to eat. 

"So did anything else interesting happen?" he asked, clearly wanting a subject change. 

"Nope," I said around a mouthful of food. Yamato made a face at that. "Classes were boring as usual. We've been moving pretty fast through a couple of them, though. You're going to be pretty behind. You're definitely coming back Monday?" 

"Yeah. Dad said I had to." He made another face. "I really don't want to. Like I said this morning, I guess I knew people would know what happened thanks to the news, but that the whole school would know, and that half of them wouldn't even believe it...? It never crossed my mind. But I've missed something like a month, and Dad says that there's no medical reason to keep me home, so go I will." 

"Good. It sucks without you around." I took another big bite. "So what about you? Have fun at home all day?" 

"Oh yes, loads," he said sarcastically. "Scraping mould off the growing pile of dishes in the sink was the highlight of my day, thanks for asking." 

"I'm sure it was. I'm only sorry I couldn't be here to share it with you," I teased. 

"Yeah. I'm sure," he replied dryly. He grabbed my now empty plate. "Might as well add this to the pile. Pretty soon I'll have a science experiment in my kitchen sink. I could probably get extra credit in biology with it." 

"Gross," I remarked, making a face. 

The grin that lit his face in return was worth the mental image, though. 

* * *

"Where the hell is the damn phone?" I muttered. It was Saturday night. It seemed like a crazy, reckless thing to do, but I'd decided to tell Yamato I liked him. Hikari's words had never left my mind, and that conversation with Nyusumi had sort of pushed me to it. 

"But I can't tell him if I can't find the damn phone!" I shouted at the phone-less living room. "Hikari! Where is the damn phone?!" 

Hikari wandered into the room, the damn phone glued to her ear. She glared at me, motioning for me to be quiet. 

"Just go round and see him," she was saying. "I'm sure you won't be turned away now. Taichi's gone to see him a few times now with no problem. ...Of course he'll want to see you. You're his brother, he cares about you. He wouldn't shut you out." 

Ugh. Why hadn't I remembered to charge my cell phone? "Hikari, come on," I moaned. "You've probably been on that damn phone for hours now! Why don't you ever use your own phone?" 

"Hush!" she snapped, and then to whoever was on the other end, "No, not you. Taichi's being a pain in the ass and demanding the phone. ...Yeah, I might as well. And seriously, just go. It'll be fine. ...Yeah. I'll talk to you later, okay? Bye!" 

She finally hung up and tossed the damn phone at me. "Here's your stupid phone. Geeze, what's so important?" 

"Nothing. I just need to call Yamato." I started to dial his number. "Who were you talking to?" I asked as I waited for someone to pick up. 

"Takeru." 

"Oh?" I started to say something else, but then Yamato picked up. 

"Hello?" 

"Yamato, hey. It's me." I said, absently watching as Hikari left the room. 

"Hi, me." 

"Haha, so very funny. Look, I need to talk to you," I blurted out. 

"Okay. So talk." 

"Not over the phone. Can I come over?" 

"Sure!" He sounded rather relieved, which I thought a bit strange. "Dad's about to go out soon, actually, so you can stay the night, if you want." 

"Sure, that's fine," I said, hoping the night would go well enough for me to stay that long. 

"Oh, and bring a controller, we can play the playstation if you want." 

"Okay. I'll see ya soon then." I hung up, tossing the damn phone on the couch. I headed to my room to throw a few things in an overnight bag, remembering the controller just in time. Yamato wasn't really big into video games, but he knew I liked them and was usually willing to play an hour or two whenever I stayed round on weekends. 

I found Hikari, telling her I was going over to Yamato's for the night, and to tell our parents whenever they got back from their usual Saturday night date. 

A short bit later I was knocking nervously on Yamato's apartment door. I expected his dad to let me in, but he answered it himself, giving me a hint of a smile. "Hey, come on in," he said. "Dad's just about to leave, so we'll have the place to ourselves." 

"Where's he going?" I asked, stepping inside, bag slung over my shoulder. 

"They called him in, asked him to work for someone." 

"Ah." I headed down the hallway, tossing my bag at his bed. It landed on the edge, teetered precariously for a moment, and then fell off, landing upside down. I sighed. Oh well. It wasn’t as if there was anything super important in it. I left it where it had landed and headed back to the kitchen where Yamato was. 

"Want something to drink?" he asked me. 

"Sure. Got any cheerio?" 

"Err... I think you drank the last one yesterday. I got some ramune, though?" 

"I hate those things," I grumbled. 

He shrugged. "Sorry. There's also water, and milk." 

I made a face and sighed. "Give me the soda." 

He handed it over just as his dad walked in. "Hello, Taichi." 

"Hey Mr. Ishida," I greeted him. 

"You're staying the night then?" 

"Yep." I grinned at him. 

"Alright. You boys behave yourselves. I'll be gone most of the night, Yamato, but don't hesitate to call if you need me for anything." 

"I know, Dad. I'll be fine. Go on." 

"You do all those locks on the door, you hear me?" Mr. Ishida gave Yamato a stern look, and I wondered what _that_ was about. The amount of new locks on the door hadn't escaped my notice, and I'd been curious for days now. I resolved to ask Yamato at some point. 

"I will, I promise." 

"Good." Then Mr. Ishida was gone, and we were alone in the apartment. 

"Come on." Yamato grabbed his own drink, and headed back down the hall towards his room. 

When we got there I saw he already had the playstation out and set up; I rescued my fallen bag and brought out the second controller. We sat crammed side by side on the end of his bed, doing some mindless gaming for awhile. Neither of us was really playing seriously, and I was mostly just enjoying the chance to be close to him and hoping that he wouldn't hate me later. 

Eventually Yamato tired of the game, and put down his controller. I did likewise, watching as he got up to turn off the console. "What do you want to do now?" I asked him. 

"Um. Didn't you say on the phone you wanted to talk to me about something?" 

"Yeah." I'd managed to relax while playing games, but suddenly I was nervous again. "Um. I was going to tell you before, you know, Ken and all, so please don't get the wrong idea, the last thing I'd want is to hurt or scare you." 

"Tell me what?" 

I sighed, and decided to just say it straight out. If he hated me for it, so be it. I swallowed, and said it. 

"I've got a crush on you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (08 july 2011 0405AM)
> 
> I feel like I should add a note that the next chapter will be in Yamato's point of view. Then the third back to Taichi's, the fourth in Yamato's... they alternate. It's probably annoying, but I was dumb when I was younger.


	2. Book One - chapter two - uncertainty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _even hands that you've kept clean will appear dirty_   
>  _before you have a chance to doubt your memory_   
>  _your memory will doubt you_
> 
> _I'm certain we'll meet one another_  
>  _our hearts which beat the same, will lead us_  
>  _cause I'm right here, always calling out to you_  
>  _when all the old reasons start to lose their ground_  
>  _I'll know why I'm alive_  
>  \- **Bump of Chicken** , karma.

"I've got a crush on you."

I stared at Taichi, my heart skipping a beat. "What?" I wasn't sure I'd heard him correctly. 

He flushed deep, the tips of his ears even turning pink. "Don't make me say it again." 

"So... you like guys?" I asked, my mind still trying to process the shock of him liking me. I also couldn't help but flashing back to when had admitted his crush for me, but I forcibly shoved that away as hard as I could. Taichi wasn't Ken, and I wanted to hear what he had to say. 

He nodded somewhat jerkily. "Yeah." 

"And... you like me?" 

He nodded again, looking ashamed. "Please don't hate me!" he burst out. "I swear, I'm not trying to be like Ken or anything. I've liked you for six months, I was going to tell you but then you disappeared and I don't want you thinking you can't say no or that I'm just trying to take advantage of you or anything I'm so sorry—" 

"Taichi," I said, interrupting his incessant babbling. "Shut up." 

He did so immediately, blinking at me in surprise. "Huh?" 

"Don't be an idiot. I don't hate you. I could never hate you." 

"You don't?" he asked, looking hopeful. 

"You're my best friend, of course not," I said simply. 

"So... then...?" 

I sighed, fiddling with the joystick on my abandoned controller. "Look, the truth is... I like you too. A lot. I have for ages now." 

"Yeah?" He started to grin, looking even more hopeful. I felt like I was about to kick a puppy. 

"But," I went on, hesitant, "I'm not sure. About a relationship. It's not that I don't want one, I just don't know if I'm ready for one. Even though Ken and I weren't ever in a relationship, the thought of being in one is scary. I'm messed up pretty bad right now," I admitted, swallowing hard. "And a relationship, well..." I shrugged helplessly, not entirely sure how to word what I was feeling. 

"It's alright," he said immediately. "If you're not ready, that's okay. I can understand that. I'll wait," he said, a look of determination coming over his face. "I'll wait, for however long it takes. It doesn't matter to me. Just knowing that you even like me back is enough right now, it's more than I ever expected." 

I could feel myself starting to tear up ever so slightly at that. It was so different from the way Ken had been when I'd rejected him. It made me feel even safer with Taichi, and I was already sort of regretting telling him no. I didn't know what I'd done to deserve such a great friend, but I was truly glad to have him. 

* * *

"Well, well. Mr. Ishida. What a surprise to see you here. What has it been, a month now? I was beginning to think you were never coming back." 

I suppressed a sigh. "Yes Sensei," I said demurely, nodding at him. Why had I let Dad talk me into coming back? I knew Monday was too soon. I was not in the mood to deal with this. 

"And just what fuelled this sudden desire to show up again? I know it can't be your love of learning, you've never given a day of attention to this class. Where have you been all this time?" 

I stared at Kawada Sensei, my heart starting to pound anxiously. What was his problem? Sure I'd never been his favourite student, but he'd never outright antagonised me like this before. He had to have known where I'd been, unless he lived under a rock. "You must have seen the news," I mumbled at him. 

"What was that, Mr. Ishida? Please speak up, we can hardly hear you," he said, gesturing to the class. 

"The news!" I half-shouted at him, feeling my cheeks starting to warm in humiliation. I took a deep breath, trying to keep myself calm. 

"Ah yes, the news. So you were too busy with your little relationship to bother with school, is that it?" 

"What?" I gaped at him. Students falling for the rumours, I could understand, but a teacher? "It wasn't a _relationship_ ," I snapped, angry and hurt all of a sudden. Even if he didn't believe the truth, he shouldn't have been hassling me this way. After all, he was a teacher, that had to be against the rules. Right? 

"No? It was my understanding that he was screwing you. Isn't copious amounts of sex the definition of a teenage relationship?" He turned to face the class, who had remained completely silent all this time, half of them watching in disbelief. "Am I wrong?" he asked them, and a couple of them actually shook their heads. I knew none of them were going to speak up on my behalf, even though I'd been friendly with some of them before. 

I felt tears pricking at my eyes as I stood there, and blinked them back. I would not give him the satisfaction of crying in front of everyone, no matter how much his words upset me. 

Kawada Sensei turned back towards me, his eyes dark with malice. "Take your seat, Mr. Ishida," he said coldly. "I want you in this class every day from now on unless you have a documented medical illness to be absent." 

I nodded and hurriedly took my seat, not even trusting myself to speak at that point. I knew that the second I opened my mouth, I'd start bawling and probably not be able to stop. I could only hope this class would pass quickly. 

* * *

"Yama!" Kenji yelled happily when I walked into music room 3 that afternoon, immediately flinging himself at me. I deftly stepped out of the way just in time and didn't even feel guilty when he went crashing to the floor. He jumped up, brushing himself off calmly and looking unperturbed. "Why did you do that? I've missed you!" 

"Don't even call me that," I told him. "And you saw me at lunch last week. And in third period today." 

"That doesn't count," he pouted. "I didn't get to talk to you." 

I felt a pang of guilt at that, knowing that for all his posturing, Kenji really had missed me. They all had; after all, I hadn't seen them in a month. My dad had blocked them the same way he'd blocked Taichi and my other friends. Even Takeru hadn't been able to see me, though it had taken a lot of begging to convince Dad to not let Takeru know what had been going on with me. Neither Takeru or Natsuko had known a thing until that news report, and then Natsuko had called not longer after Taichi and Dad had told her everything... "I'm sorry," I said quietly, suddenly serious. I looked around at my bandmates. "I've missed you guys too." 

Ny smiled at me, sitting down on the piano bench. "Well, you're back now. That's all that matters." 

I sighed, going over and sitting down next to him. "I suppose you guys want to know about what happened." 

Ratsuii came over as well, sandwiching me between him and Ny. I wondered that the proximity didn't make me tense or scared, but then I'd known Ny and Ratz a long time, and felt as safe around them as I did around Taichi. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," he told me, giving my shoulder a friendly nudge. "It's your own business, we'd understand." 

I gave him an odd, awkward sort of half-smile. "It's not my favourite thing to talk about, and I wouldn't go around telling everybody, but I don't mind telling you guys a little bit of it. That is, if you guys even want to hear it," I added. 

"Yamato, come on. How long have we known each other? After five years, you should know we're always willing to listen," Ny said. I could hear the sincerity in his voice and felt touched. Ny didn't let most people get close to him. He was nice to everyone, and liked to make people happy, but he kept most things on the surface. He was more trusting with us, especially with how long we'd been together and how close we'd all gotten, but even then, he didn't express it out loud very often. To hear it now was heartwarming. 

"Yeah," I said softly. "Thanks." I paused for a bit, trying to gather my thoughts and figure out just what I wanted to tell them, and how to go about it. The band stayed quiet, not pushing, giving me the time to think. I was grateful for it. Though we'd grown close pretty quick, we all had our own secrets still, but anytime one of us needed to talk, the rest of us would be right there to listen and support. It was an amazing group to be a part of. 

After a few minutes, I felt ready, and started to speak. They were silent as I talked, telling them of how it started and how it continued. I told them how I'd been too scared to tell after awhile, how Ken had threatened my life and how I was too afraid not to believe them. I told them how it ended. 

I didn't tell them how I'd tried to kill myself. It was too personal, too raw, and I'd never even managed the actual words when telling Taichi. I didn't want to show them my bandage on the one wrist, I was too ashamed of it to even look at it most of the time. 

When I finally finished my story they were still quiet, I suppose just trying to take it all in. Finally Ny left out a slow breath. "Man, Yamato... that is rough. Beyond rough. I don't even really know what to say, except that I'm sorry you had to go through all that." 

"I agree, that's horrible. You didn't deserve something like that," Ratsuii said sympathetically. 

"Thanks, you guys." 

"Aw, this is such a touching moment!" Kenji exclaimed, pretending to wipe away a tear. "So sweet." 

The rest of us just rolled our eyes, well used to his antics. It may have seemed inappropriate to others, but we knew it was just Kenji's way. Emotions often made him uncomfortable, but he was always there for us and still knew how to be serious when it really counted, and that's all we really cared about. 

"So what's up with you and Taichi?" Ratsuii asked, mercifully changing the subject. 

I frowned, watching Ny as he swung around to face the piano. He started to play the chorus to one of our songs, seemingly completely involved in it, but I could tell he was interested in the answer too. "What do you mean?" I asked Ratz. 

"Seriously, you two were all over each other," Kenji said, grinning as he came over to the piano and plucked out random notes, purposely messing Ny up. Ny growled at him and swatted his hand away. 

"Wh—what?" I stammered, taken by surprise. "No I wasn't!" 

"Someone's got himself a boyfriend~!" Kenji sing-songed, still grinning maniacally at me. 

"I do not!" I protested hotly, beginning to blush. 

"Yes you do, you're blushing!" Ratsuii was grinning at me too. I was starting to feel ganged up on. "So come on, details, details! Who told who? I've got money riding on this." 

"Money?" I spluttered. "You guys are betting on me?!" 

"Maybe a little," Ratsuii admitted. 

"Come on guys," Ny finally cut in, abandoning his song. "Leave him alone. If he doesn't want to tell us, he doesn't have to." 

"Thank you," I said fervently. "Besides, we're really not together." _Yet_ , I amended silently, blushing a bit more. 

Ratsuii gave my shoulder another friendly nudge. "So you're not together," he said. "But I'm guessing _something_ must have happened between you two." 

"Maybe," I muttered, a bit embarrassed. 

Ny turned partially back around, sitting cross-legged on the bench so that he was facing me, and gave me his full attention. "So what happened?" he asked, his violet eyes observing me intently. 

I frowned, wondering why he seemed so invested in the answer. "Well, he came round Saturday night and told me he liked me..." 

"But you're not together. You turned him down?" Ny asked in disbelief. "You told me ages ago you liked him!" 

"I didn't turn him down, exactly," I said defensively. Next to me, Ratsuii was groaning and handing over a handful of yen to a gloating Kenji. I ignored them both. "I _did_ tell him I liked him back. I just said that I wasn't ready for a relationship yet." 

" _Why_?" Kenji asked incredulously, poking Ny and holding out his hand. Ny sighed and rolled his eyes, digging around in his pocket and pulling out his own handful of yen. I shook my head at them as he handed it over. 

"Can't believe you guys actually bet on me," I muttered. 

Ny shrugged it aside. "Seriously, why aren't you ready for a relationship yet? If you like him and he likes you..." 

I swallowed and looked down at the floor. "I guess... well, I'm a little scared. I know logically that Taichi wouldn't hurt me like Ken did, but emotionally..." 

"I can understand that," Ny said softly. "Is he willing to wait, at least?" 

"Yeah. He said he'd wait for as long as it takes." 

"That's good. You deserve some happiness. I don't want to see you hurt anymore." 

"Geeze Ny," Kenji griped. "Are you sure you're not the one with the crush?" 

I laughed a little at that, fully expecting some biting retort from Ny, but instead he looked away and muttered, "Shut up," his face turning a bright red. 

My mouth reacted before my mind did. "Seriously?!" I swung sideways, staring at him. " _You_ like me, Ny?" 

"What, is that so wrong?" he snapped angrily, sliding off the bench and standing up. He stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. 

"Good going, Yama," Kenji remarked glibly after a moment's silence. 

"Me? You're the one that had to tease him!" 

"You're the one that made it sound like he wasn't _allowed_ to like you!" 

"Oh shut up, both of you!" Ratsuii snarled, his normally bright green eyes dark with anger and annoyance. "You're both at fault, you idiots. Kenji, you can apologise later. Yamato, I think you need to go find him and talk to him." 

I sighed. I had acted a little insensitive. "I suppose you're right,” I said, feeling a bit sheepish. “I'll go find him, and hopefully be back with him soon." 

I got up and headed over to the door, looking back at them. Kenji at least looked as remorseful as I felt. Ratsuii's face, however, was an inscrutable mask. "Try to be nicer this time," he said. 

I made a rueful face. "Yeah." 

* * *

"Ny?" I said cautiously, peeking my head into the old gym. "You in here?" 

I didn't get an answer, but I was pretty sure he was here. My bandmates and I had been coming here since nearly the first day of high school. Ny even had a favourite spot under the bleachers he liked to hide in. 

I went over to that spot, and as I'd thought, Ny was there. He had his knees drawn up against his chest, and his head was buried in them. I had the feeling he was crying. He didn't acknowledge my footsteps. 

"Ny?" I asked again, standing uncomfortably over him. I got no answer, so after a moment I sat down next to him, inwardly sighing. "Ny?" I tried one last time, a hint of pleading entering my voice. 

"What?" came the muffled reply. At least he'd finally answered me. 

I sighed, out loud this time. "Look, I'm sorry about how I reacted back there. I was just surprised. I didn't mean anything by it. Please don't be mad at me," I begged him. "I really am sorry." 

He lifted his head then, and though he wasn't crying at the moment, I could tell by the traces of wetness that he had at some point. He didn't say anything to me, just nodded and stared off across the gym. 

"Have you liked me a long time?" I asked hesitantly, wanting to get him to talk. 

He just shrugged. 

"Are you mad at me?" 

He shook his head. I felt a little relieved at that, but still wished he'd talk to me. 

I tried again. "Why didn't you ever say anything?" 

It was a dumb question, and I wanted to take it back as soon as I said it. But to my surprise, he actually answered it. 

"I wanted to," he said quietly, still not looking at me. "But then you told me you liked Taichi, and all of us knew that he liked you, it was so obvious I don't know how you never saw it. I knew it was only a matter of time before one of you said something to the other. So I didn't really see the point in my telling you. Why open myself up to rejection? 

"And it was easier to pretend when you didn't know," he continued. "I could pretend that maybe you didn't like Taichi at all, that maybe I still had a chance. I knew that if I told you I'd have to face the truth, would have to admit to myself that there was no chance, that you didn't and never would feel that way about me." 

I swallowed, feeling inexplicably guilty. "Ny, I'm sorry—" 

"Don't," he interrupted, finally glancing at me. "Don't say it. I know, okay? I'm okay with just your friendship. But if you say it, it'll just make it worse." 

I bit down on my lip, feeling bad. I didn't like hurting him, but he was right in that there'd never be anything more than friendship between us. "Alright," I agreed. "I won't say it." 

"Thanks," he said quietly. 

"Can I at least ask how long?" 

He sighed. "Do you remember how we met?" 

I furrowed my brow in confusion. "Of course. We were twelve, and had classrooms next to each other. I lost my song notebook one day, and you found it and asked around so you could return it to me." 

"I know I said I didn't, but I read your lyrics," he confessed. "All of them. I really liked them, which is why I was so determined to find and meet you. Then I actually saw you. I've had a crush on you ever since." 

Wow. He'd had a crush on me for five years, and I'd never once realised? I could probably win some kind of award for that. "I'm sorry," I told him helplessly, not sure what else to say. 

"It's alright," he muttered, and we then sat in silence for awhile. 

* * *

"There you are," Kenji remarked when Ny and I walked back into music room 3 a short while later. "We were beginning to wonder." 

Ny just shrugged at him, not saying anything. 

"Everything cool now?" Ratsuii asked tentatively. 

"Yeah, we're good," I said. I started to head back over to the piano bench to sit down again, when a pounding started up on the door I'd shut behind us. 

Ny, who was still standing closest to it, went back over and yanked it open. "What?" he asked, sounding slightly irritated. 

"Is Ishida Yamato in here?" a young, somewhat high-pitched voice asked. I looked over. A boy who looked to be about Takeru's age was standing in the doorway, looking a bit uncomfortable. Probably not a fan then. 

"Yes, what is it?" I asked, stepping back towards him. 

He glanced briefly at me, then down at the ground. "Well, it's about your brother," he started. 

Immediately I thrust out a hand and grabbed a fistful of his shirt, yanking him into the room and shoving him into one of the nearby chairs. "What about him?" I barked out, knowing it couldn't be anything good. 

His blue eyes widened, and he stared at me, frightened. "He's locked himself in a bathroom stall on the second floor. He sounded like he was crying, but he wouldn't say anything. He's a classmate of mine, so—" 

"Don't care," I snapped, interrupting him. "Which bathroom?" 

"The one by Room 223," he stuttered out. 

"Thanks," I muttered, already turning away from him and sprinting out the door and up the stairs to where Takeru was. 

I found the bathroom easily and went in, hearing Takeru's quiet sobs right away. I went over to the closed stall door and leaned against it. "Takeru?" I said quietly. "It's Yamato. Will you open the door, please?" 

"Yamato?" came the sniffled reply. There was a moment's pause, then I straightened up just in time as I heard him unlock the door and it opened. 

"Aw, Takeru," I said, looking at him as he stepped out. He looked a mess, his face all red and splotchy and his eyes still leaking a few tears. His nose was running and rubbed a bit raw, presumably from where he'd been continuously wiping it. 

I sighed and put an arm around his shoulders. "Come on," I said gently. I led him over to the sink and helped him get cleaned up a bit. When he seemed relatively calm, I asked him what happened. 

He shook his head a bit. "Daisuke," he said, but didn't get any farther as he started to cry again. 

I pulled him into a hug, my heart aching for him. "Hey, don't cry," I told him. "What about Daisuke?" 

He didn't answer me, just wrapped his arms around me and dug his hands into the back of my shirt. 

I heard the door open and tensed, ready to yell at whoever it was to go away, but when I glanced over Takeru's shoulder I realised it was just Nyusumi. 

His eyes widened a bit when he saw Takeru crying into my chest. "Everything okay?" he asked hesitantly. 

I shrugged as best I could in my position. "It's something to do with Daisuke," I said helplessly. 

Instantly an understanding look came over Ny's face. He came over to us, briefly laying a hand on Takeru's shoulder. "Takeru," he said softly. "Did you tell him?" 

I felt Takeru nod into my shirt. "Yeah," he said, voice muffled. 

"Tell him what?" I asked, irrationally jealous that Ny seemed to know more about my brother than I did. 

They both ignored me. "I take it things didn't go so well then?" Ny asked. 

Takeru didn't respond to that, just started crying harder. 

I shot Ny a look, my eyes sarcastically saying thanks. "I think we need to go home," I said after a moment, when it didn't seem like Takeru would calm any. 

"Of course," Ny said. "I'll let the others know." 

"Thanks. Sorry for running out on you guys." 

"Hey, it's fine," he reassured me. "I think it's nice how protective you are of Takeru." 

"Left over from the Digital World days," I muttered, untangling myself from my brother. 

"Digital World?" 

I paused. "Uh, remind me to tell you some other time. It's a long story." 

Ny looked confused, but chose not to comment. "Can I call you later?" he asked instead. 

I smiled at him. "Of course." 

* * *

When we got to my apartment, Takeru had calmed down a lot. I settled him on the couch and got him something to drink before sitting down next to him. I didn't say anything at first, wanting to give him more time to collect himself so I'd be less likely to set off another crying fit. 

"So what happened with Daisuke?" I eventually ventured, when it seemed safe enough to do so. 

Takeru bowed his head, intently studying his hands, pretending to inspect his fingernails for dirt. "I... I kinda like Daisuke," he admitted, sounding a bit embarrassed. "I told him earlier, after classes were over. He... didn't take it too well. I'm not sure we're even friends now." 

I blinked, a bit taken back. "I'm sorry, Takeru," I said sympathetically. "I'm sure he was just surprised, though. I bet if you just give him some time, he'll come around." 

He sniffed once. "He seemed pretty freaked out." 

"Just give him a couple of days to adjust. I'm sure everything will work out okay." 

He didn't bother to respond to that. I stayed quiet too, doing a little private adjusting of my own. Obviously I didn't have a problem with Takeru liking Daisuke, otherwise I'd be a huge hypocrite, but I was a little surprised I had never known about it. I wasn't as involved in Takeru's life as I would have liked, but I was pretty sure he'd had girlfriends before. Apparently they were just a cover up? Or maybe he swung both ways. 

"Are you gay?" I asked him abruptly. 

He lifted his head, blinking at me. I supposed I could have asked it a bit better. He didn't answer me though, and after a moment I raised an eyebrow, as if to say, "Well?" 

He sighed. "No." A pause. "Yes." Another sigh. 

Well that certainly answered that... 

He gave a little half-shrug, looking at me sheepishly. "I don't know. Can you be gay for just one guy?" 

"I... guess?" I said uncertainly. 

He picked up a couch pillow, hugging it to his chest. "It's not _guys_ , it's just _Daisuke_. I look at other guys and I feel nothing, but I look at Daisuke and I go all funny inside. I see him and my heart starts pounding and I feel all giddy, and I can't stop thinking about attractive he is. When a group of us goes out to the movies, I'm always secretly wishing it was just me and Daisuke alone. I think girls are cute too, sometimes, but I tried dating a couple and we always wound up deciding to be just friends instead." Takeru paused, looking back up at me. "Is that okay, do you think, to like just one guy?" 

I reached out for him, grabbing the hand that was worrying at some loose threads on the pillow. It was a little awkward, as mine was the hand that still had the cast on, but I managed. "I think it's fine," I told him seriously, locking eyes with him. "You're still young, Takeru, and still figuring out what you want. There's no need to stick a label on yourself until you're ready to. Hell, you don't ever have to stick a label on if you don't want to." 

Takeru exhaled, curling his fingers around my hand. He scooted closer to me, pressing himself into my side. "It's all so confusing." 

I laughed gently at that. "Trust me, I know all about that." 

"What was it like for you? Did you just always know that you were gay?" 

I laughed again, ruefully this time. "Not hardly. I was probably around eleven, twelve—it was right after all the Digital World stuff the first time. My classmates and I were all hitting puberty and hormones were crazy. All the guys around me suddenly kept talking about girls—about breasts and curves and cute asses, and all I could think about was broad shoulders and smooth chests. I'd catch myself staring at some of the guys in my class sometimes, thinking about how cute they were or what it'd be like to kiss them. I never said anything. No one else seemed to have this problem. 

"I was—terrified, really. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me. I'd wake up in the morning after wet dreams about guys and cry. I didn't dare tell anyone, thinking that they'd hate me or find me disgusting." 

Takeru tightened his hold on my hand. "How'd you come to accept it then?" 

I shrugged. "I met Ny." 

"Huh?" 

"Just what I said. I met Ny. We were twelve, nearly thirteen. He was gay and he didn't hide it. He seemed very comfortable with it, even when others around him didn't. He helped me to accept my sexuality and made me realise there was nothing wrong with it. I still don't go around broadcasting it now, but that's as much to do with the band's fangirls as it is being afraid of what people will think." 

"But you're still afraid." 

"Well sure, a little," I admitted easily. "Not so much of what strangers might think, but the people I care about, yeah. Though I guess at this point it's mostly just Dad and a couple of the older Chosen who don't know. You younger Chosen gossip too much." 

"Are you going to tell Dad?" Takeru asked, brushing aside my teasing remark. 

"Probably. When I feel like it's the right time to." 

"I haven't told Mom," he confessed. 

"There's really no rush, Takeru, especially when you haven't even sorted it out for yourself. Don't worry so much over it. Trust me, I did that and I was miserable." 

"Alright," he said softly. "Thanks." 

* * *

"Yamato?" 

I jerked my head up, pulled from the half-asleep state I'd slipped into. I'd come on the balcony outside my window earlier, thinking about Ny's crush on me. 

I got up and went inside, going out into the hall where my dad was waiting for me. I was careful to shut my bedroom door quietly. Takeru had been exhausted from all of his crying that afternoon, and was taking a nap on my bed. "What's up, Dad?" 

"Natsuko just called. She said Takeru's not home and didn't leave a note or call about his whereabouts. She wanted to know if you'd seen him." 

I winced, thinking about the late evening. Takeru had been here all afternoon without anyone knowing. I should have remembered to have him call Natsuko, but he'd been so distraught it slipped my mind. "Sorry, dad," I said sheepishly. "He's here. He came round after school. He's napping in my room right now, he was a little upset about something earlier." 

I turned around and opened my bedroom door, intending to wake Takeru so he could call Natsuko. But then I spotted him sprawled out on my bed, and suddenly I was thrown into the past, reliving a nightmare I'd thought was finally over. 

It wasn't Takeru on my bed any longer. Instead it was Ken, once again lounging casually on my bed like he owned it. And he was smirking at me. 

"No," I whispered, staring in terror at my bed. 

"Yamato?" Dad asked behind me, sounding concerned. "Are you alright?" 

I didn't answer him. I barely heard him. 

Ken was moving now, getting up off the bed, advancing toward me, a knife in his hand. 

"No," I moaned, stumbling backwards. "No, please! Not again." I whirled around to run, but had only gone a few steps when I crashed into something warm and solid. Whatever it was grabbed me, holding me tight, and I screamed, lashing out blindly. 

"Let me go!" I cried. "No! Let me go, he's coming, he's got a knife, he'll stab me, please!" I struggled wildly, not hearing anything around me. I was panicked and terrified out of my mind, knowing that Ken was behind me and he was going to get me, and stab me, and this time he wouldn't let me live. 

I struggled harder, still screaming and pleading to be let go. I was starting to find it hard to breathe, and my heart was pounding like crazy. It wasn't unlike the feelings I'd had after being jumped by Kento's gang, but I was too out of it to really make the connection. 

I wanted Taichi. I knew that if only he were there, he would save me from Ken, protect me from getting hurt, the way he'd protected me from Sento and Tetsuya. "Taichi," I managed to choke out. "Let go, gotta find Taichi, he's safe." 

"Please..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (09 july 2011 0729PM)


	3. Book One - chapter three - nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _after an endless dream, in this world of nothingness_   
>  _it seems as if our beloved dreams will lose_   
>  _even with these unreliable wings, covered in images that tend to stay_   
>  _I'm sure we can fly, oh yeah_
> 
> _after an endless dream, in this miserable world_  
>  _that's right, maybe not using common sense isn't so bad after all_  
>  _even with these awkward wings, dyed with images that seem to stay_  
>  _I'm sure we can fly, on my love_  
>  \- **Wada Kouji** , butterfly.
> 
> (rest in peace, Wada Kouji ♥)

"Lessee... 6x=5x+4(2x-3)-2... So that would be 6x=5x+6x+1-2, no that's not right. Maybe it's 6x=9x(-x)-2... Wait, maybe I multiply," I muttered to myself. "Agh, I hate this!" I growled in frustration, scowling down at my Algebra II homework. Oh, how I hated it...

"Taichi?" Mom's voice called, interrupting my evil thoughts about killing my homework. 

"Yeah?" I asked, gladly looking up as she poked her head into the doorway, happy to have a break from nonsense numbers, but then I noticed how strained her face looked. "What is it?" I demanded, immediately worried. 

"It's Yamato. Mr. Ishida called, said something was wrong with him and that he asked for you." 

I jumped up in a sudden panic, scattering my homework all over the desk. I didn't even need to hear any more. If Yamato asked for me, then I was going. I tossed my pencil down and started to race out of the room. "I'm going over there, Mom!" I called. "Don't wait up for me, I don't know when I'll be back tonight!" 

"Wait, Taichi!" she said, sounding confused as she followed me through the kitchen. 

I didn't stop, but I did slow a little, glancing over my shoulder. She was looking at me rather speculatively, and I felt slightly unnerved. What was that look for? "What?" I asked her. 

She smiled a little at me, face softening. "Call me and let me know if he's okay, alright?" 

"I will," I promised. Then I was gone. 

* * *

As fast as I was going, it didn't take me long to reach the Ishida apartment. Mr. Ishida let me in when I knocked, and I stepped in, immediately noting Takeru sitting in the chair near the couch. I wondered what he was doing there, but quickly brushed it aside as I spotted Yamato asleep on the couch. His doctor, Dr. Kaos, was there too, stepping away from him to head towards us. 

I focused on Mr. Ishida. "What is it? What's wrong, is Yamato okay?" I asked, a bit scared by Dr. Kaos' presence. If Dr. Kaos was here, surely it couldn't be good...? 

Mr. Ishida scratched his head, looking a bit apologetic, which instantly made me feel somewhat better. "I'm sorry, it seems I called a bit prematurely. Yamato's fine, he had another panic attack. I just hadn't seen one, so I didn't know what it was and called for Akira." 

"Oh," I said, immensely relieved. "It's okay, Mr. Ishida. They are pretty scary to watch. I freaked out when he had his first one." I glanced back to Yamato. "Why's he sleeping though, he didn't sleep after the first one until the EMTs sedated him." 

Dr. Kaos smiled at me, though it was a bit grim. "He apparently had a flashback, which in turn triggered the panic attack. Both of those combined were pretty intense, and wore him out. He fell asleep shortly before you got here, after we finally managed to get him calmed down." 

"A flashback?" I asked, frowning. "About Ken?" 

"Presumably." 

"I didn't know he was having flashbacks," I murmured, starting to walk towards him. Why hadn't he mentioned this to me? 

"I think this was the first," Mr. Ishida said, "unless—" 

He stopped talking abruptly as Yamato let out a small moan. 

I froze where I was standing. Yamato started to mumble and fidget, still sleeping. Then suddenly he let out a little scream, and I bolted towards him, preparing to wake him. 

Takeru jumped out of the chair, and Dr. Kaos barked out, "No, leave him!" but it turned out to be moot, as Yamato jerked awake then, gasping. 

Everyone halted for a moment, unsure of what to do, and then I went to him, asking if he was okay. It was a bit of a stupid question, but I felt the need to ask him _something_ , and it was the first thing to pop into my head. 

Yamato looked around at all of us gathered there, took a few shaky breaths, and then shook his head before hiding his face in his hands. I sat down next to him on the edge of the couch, saying "budge over a bit," which he did. I gently grabbed his hands and pulled them away from his face, curling my fingers around his left hand and just holding on. 

The others just watched me do this, and then Takeru came over and sat down at the end of the couch, near Yamato's feet, picking them up to make room for himself before setting them back down in his lap. 

Neither of us spoke to him. I figured that if Yamato wanted to talk about it, he would. Otherwise I was content to just sit with him, offering silent support and comfort. I didn't want to pressure him into anything. He'd already been made to do enough things against his will. 

The two adults continued to watch us for a few moments, and then Dr. Kaos gestured at Mr. Ishida, motioning for him to follow him into the other room. They left, going into the kitchen, but we could still overhear their conversation. 

"Has he been having nightmares like that a lot?" Dr. Kaos asked, speaking lowly. 

There was a sigh. "He's had a few like that over the past few months. I didn't know what was going on at the time and chalked it up to stress. Since the Ichijouji boy was arrested though, they've gotten a lot more frequent." 

"PTSD..." Dr. Kaos murmured, still speaking quietly. It was a little hard to hear him, honestly. "I'm not a psychologist, but given the flashbacks, panic attacks, and nightmares, it's likely he's developing it. He ought to talk to someone professional." 

"He's already refused." Mr. Ishida sounded a bit frustrated at that. I could imagine how that conversation had went, knowing how stubborn Yamato could be. 

"Why am I not surprised. At the very least, I could prescribe him some sleeping pills, something to help him sleep a little easier." 

"I've asked him, but he doesn't even want any over the counter ones. He won't tell me why. What am I supposed to do Akira, I can't force him." 

"No, I suppose not." 

The rest of their conversation was lost to us, as the home phone line rang just then, distracting us. I looked at Yamato, who didn't seem inclined to answer it. "I can get it, if you want me to," I offered. 

He nodded, and when I released his hand and moved to grab the phone, he climbed off the couch and headed out of the room, probably going to the bathroom or something. 

I picked up the phone. "Ishida residence," I answered. 

There was a pause, and then Ny's voice hesitantly said, "Taichi? Err, did I dial the wrong number?" 

I grinned a bit at that. "Nope. I said 'Ishida residence' didn't I?" 

"Why are you answering Yamato's phone?" 

I sighed, my brief bout of humour fading. "Yamato's not really up to talking at the moment," I told him truthfully. 

"What's wrong?" he asked, immediately sounding worried. 

I glanced over at Takeru, not sure I wanted to talk about it all in front of him. I also wasn't sure just how much to tell Ny. I knew Yamato probably wouldn't want me to tell him the truth, though. And Yamato deserved his privacy. Finally I just said, "He's fine, really, he's just having a bit of a bad evening." 

"Alright then," he said slowly, clearly confused and not quite believing me. "Will he be in school tomorrow?" 

"I don't know," I told him honestly. "But if he's not, I probably won't be either. If that's the case, you could probably stop round and visit tomorrow, though I'd call and double check first." 

"Sure, that sounds good. Tell Yamato I'll call him tomorrow, and that I hope he feels better." 

"Sure thing," I agreed. "Bye, Ny." I hung up. 

A few minutes later Yamato wandered back in and sat back down on the couch next to me, pushing slightly at me. I blinked, not certain what he wanted for a moment, and then got it and sat back. He instantly curled up into my side. I grabbed his good hand again, starting to get a little worried that he hadn't spoken. 

Just how bad had that nightmare been? 

* * *

"Hey," I said awhile later, poking Yamato. The three of us had just been sitting there on the couch, not speaking or doing anything, content to remain in silence and draw comfort from each others' presences. "It's getting late. Do you want me to stay round tonight?" 

Yamato looked up at me and nodded. "I don't want to be alone," he said softly. 

I heard Takeru give a little huff at that, and glanced over to see him looking slightly offended. I gave him an apologetic look. I couldn't really blame him, it had been a bit of an insensitive thing for Yamato to say. But at least Yamato had finally said something. Even Dr. Kaos had seemed a bit concerned that Yamato hadn't spoken before he left. 

"Alright," I said. "I'm gonna go check with your dad, make sure it's okay." 

He nodded, reluctantly letting go of my hand. I smiled at him reassuringly and slid off the couch, heading towards Mr. Ishida's room. He'd retreated there after Dr. Kaos had gone, giving the three of us some privacy. 

"Mr. Ishida?" I asked quietly, knocking on his bedroom door. 

"Yes?" He opened the door a crack, sticking just his head out. He looked exhausted, and sad, and a little bit resigned. I wondered how often 'frequent' was for him. Did Yamato have nightmares every night? He hadn't had any the other two nights I'd stayed round, though... Mr. Ishida cleared his throat politely, reminding me that I wasn't alone. 

Oh. Right. "Um, is it alright if I stay round for the night?" 

He smiled tiredly at me. "Sure. I'd figured as much already, anyways. Is Takeru staying as well?" 

"I'm not sure. I'll go ask him," I said. "Thanks for letting me stay." 

He just nodded and waved me away. I left, going back into the living room. Yamato and Takeru were still on the couch, and neither looked as if they'd moved. "Your dad wants to know if you're staying the night too, Takeru." 

He blinked, a guilty look coming over his face. "Oh boy, I never called Mom back." He groaned. "She must be going mental by now. I guess I better go call her, and let Dad know I'm staying." 

That reminded me. I yanked my cell phone out of my pocket, and held it up to Yamato. "I should call my own mom." 

Yamato didn't say anything, but he did seem to at least acknowledge the statement. I didn't like how quiet he was being. It was unusual even for him. 

I went into the kitchen so Takeru and I wouldn't confuse each other with our conversations, and dialled home. Hikari answered after a few rings, and I let her know what was going on and that I'd be staying for the night. 

"And tell Mom Yamato's fine," I told her. "She said she wanted to know." 

"I will. And I'm glad he's okay, Taichi." 

"Me too," I said, though privately I was less sure that he really was. "I'll see you tomorrow afternoon, okay?" 

"Okay. Bye, love you." 

"You too," I said, and hung up. 

* * *

Another hour later, and Takeru had finally given in and crashed out on Yamato's floor. Mr. Ishida had gone to bed too, coming out of his room briefly to wish us a good night and make sure there was enough extra bedding for Takeru and me. Yamato and I were both still up, on the couch, though Yamato was now laying back down again, his eyes closed, his head in my lap. I was absently running my fingers gently through his hair. I knew he wasn't asleep though, or he'd be snoring ever so slightly. To be honest, I was starting to get sleepy myself, but I didn't want to disturb him. 

We'd been sitting in silence for awhile, and I was nearly asleep when Yamato finally spoke. 

"Taichi?" he said quietly. 

"Hmm?" I murmured, jerking my head up. 

"Can... can I tell you about my nightmares?" 

"Of course," I said, my brow furrowing just a bit in confusion, wondering why he felt the need to ask permission. "Yamato, you can always tell me anything, whenever you need to. I'll always listen." 

"I—you heard my dad earlier, right? With Dr. Kaos?" 

"About you having nightmares a lot lately?" 

"Yeah." He swallowed, biting down on his lip. I wished he would open his eyes. I wanted to know what he was thinking, how he was feeling. "It's not—every night," he said haltingly. "But, most of them. They're—they're bad. Sometimes I wake up from them and I'm screaming," he admitted. 

"That's horrible," I said, feeling awful for him. I'd occasionally had some bad dreams from time to time, but never so bad I actually woke screaming. And to deal with that nearly every night? It was surprising he was even as alert as he was during the day. That had to leave him exhausted. 

"They're usually about Ken... they're like memories almost, the things he did to me. Some of them are different though. Those are the ones that are the worst, because in those it's not me he's hurting, it's my friends, my brother. And in those usually I'm there, and I'm watching, and I'm trying to stop him, trying to save you guys, but you're always just out of reach." He paused for a moment, swallowing harder. "Those are the ones where I wake up screaming." 

I shivered, feeling goosebumps on my arms, wishing I could do something to make him feel better, to take away his suffering and bad dreams. Hell, just hearing about them in general terms made me want to cry, I couldn't even imagine what it had to be like for him. I continued to stroke his hair, feeling helpless. "I'm sorry," I told him. 

"The one I had tonight—it was about you. Ken was hurting you the way he hurt me... he made me watch, and I couldn't do anything. I wanted to, _tried_ to, but I couldn't. He had a knife, and I knew he'd kill you..." He started to cry silently, tears slipping out from beneath his closed eyelids and rolling slowly down his cheeks. I had to resist the urge to wipe them away with my thumb, knowing how much he hated people to acknowledge his crying. 

"He can't hurt me, Yamato," I said softly. "He's locked away in jail now. I'm safe. You're safe." 

"I know," he said, sniffling. "I know that. But those dreams just _feel_ so real. When I first wake up, it's hard to remember that they're not. I couldn't stand it if something like that ever happened to you. When I woke up this evening, I was so _relieved_ to see you there, standing over me, because you were safe and alive and whole, and it meant that it was just a dream and Ken hadn't actually hurt you." 

He finally opened his eyes then, reaching up with his left hand to awkwardly scrub at his face, though it didn't really help. "I'm sorry, I'm such a mess." 

"Hey, no, it's okay, Yamato. You have nothing to be sorry for." 

He didn't respond to that, just turned over on his side, burying his face into my shirt. He was quiet for a bit, and I let him be, knowing that he was embarrassed about crying and not wanting to make him feel any worse. 

"I changed my mind though," he said a little while later, when he'd stopped crying again and seemed to be feeling more calm. 

"About what?" I asked, looking down at him. 

He pulled his head away from my shirt and sat up, looking at me seriously. "I'm still not entirely sure if I'm ready, but I decided I'll never find out if I don't try. I want to be your boyfriend." 

I stared at him, having not expected that at all. "Do you mean it?" I asked stupidly. Why would he have said it if he didn't mean it? Yamato wouldn't ever play a such cruel joke on me. 

"Of course I mean it, idiot," he said. "Here, I'll prove it." And with that he leaned over and lightly kissed me on the lips, too briefly for me to even think about responding. 

I blinked dumbly, still staring. "Wow," I said. "That... this is great. I mean, thank you. Um, I'm really happy right now, for me, and for you, and... I don't really know what I'm saying." I laughed, definitely feeling like the idiot he'd just called me. 

"I'm saying yes, Taichi. Just say okay." 

"Okay," I agreed, smiling. I had the resist the urge to jump off the couch and start jumping up and down with glee. Yamato wanted to be my boyfriend! I couldn't believe it. Despite how shitty the past few weeks had been, I couldn't recall a happier moment in my life. I knew it was terribly naive, and probably not at all true, but it felt like now that we were together, things would finally start getting better and Yamato could heal. I hoped with all my heart that things would really turn out that way. I just wanted to see Yamato okay. 

* * *

I woke up the next morning to a quiet knocking on the door. I sat up, blinking sleepily as Mr. Ishida poked his head in the room. "Yamato? Taichi? Either of you awake?" 

I yawned, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. "I'm awake," I'm mumbled, only half-aware. 

He laughed a bit, amused, looking at my rumpled clothes and mussed up hair. "Yes, you look very awake right now." 

I groaned. "What time is it?" 

"It's about one in the afternoon." 

"What?" I yelped, suddenly much more alert. I shoved the covers off me, piling them on top of Yamato instead. I hadn't wanted to share the bed with him, still afraid of upsetting him somehow, but Takeru had already taken the floor and Yamato had insisted, saying that he didn't want to be alone. "One o' clock? I never sleep this late!" 

"Considering the events of last night, I figured it wouldn't hurt to let you guys sleep in. Of course, I don't want you sleeping away the entire day either... You should see if you can get Yamato to wake up." 

"Right," I said, still reeling from the shock of it being one pm. I _never_ slept this late, not even on weekends. 

Mr. Ishida smiled at me and then left, shutting the door back behind him. I continued to sit there for a moment, trying to get my bearings. To be honest, when Mr. Ishida had first woken me, I'd had a brief moment of confusion at finding myself in Yamato's bed, before recalling the events of last night. 

I grinned, thinking of how the night had ended. Yamato and I were together! _Boyfriends_. Even after confessing my crush to Yamato the other night and getting a confession in return, I had still half-expected him to end up turning me down. But he hadn't. And not only that, he'd kissed me! Granted, it had been very quick, the barest brush of lips, but it was still a kiss. Hopefully it meant there would be more in the future. 

Though, given what Yamato had been through... would he even want to do anything sexual? I didn't know much about how people acted after that kind of thing, but I had some vague idea that most of them were scared of sex afterwards, or something. Maybe I'd have to do some research on the web later. 

A soft whimper interrupted my musings, and I quickly jerked my head to the side, looking at Yamato. He was still asleep, and in the same position he'd been in when I woken. Had I imagined it? 

He let out another whimper, a slight frown marring his face. A deeper frown crossed my own at seeing it. No, I hadn't imagined it. Was he having another nightmare? 

I sighed, preparing to wake him up. It really wasn't fair that he had to suffer through all of this. 

* * *

A short time later, Yamato and I were in his kitchen with his dad, eating some cereal. Or at least I was eating it. Yamato was dragging his spoon through the bowl, half-heartedly lifting it up every so often and then dropping it back down without ever taking a bite. 

I'd managed to wake him, but not before the nightmare had left him terrified and clutching at my arm, wide-eyed and gasping for breath. I'd tried to get him to talk about it, but he'd refused, silently shaking his head. It seemed he was back to the not speaking of last night. It made my heart ache, but I knew there was no point in trying to get him to say anything. 

"Where's Takeru?" I spoke up, wanting to break the awkward silence of the room. I had wondered though, when I'd woken up and he wasn't in the room anymore, or even in the apartment. 

"He left this morning," Mr. Ishida said, setting his paper down and looking at us. "He went to school." 

"Oh." I frowned and took another bite of cereal, wondering if my mom knew I hadn't gone. "I hope my mom won't be mad I didn't go..." 

"Don't worry," Mr. Ishida reassured me. "If it's necessary, I'll talk to her about it. I'm the one who didn't wake you guys this morning." 

"Thanks," I said, pushing my now empty bowl aside. Mr. Ishida and I both looked over at Yamato then, who still had a full bowl of now soggy cereal. He hadn't stopped messing with it, and was staring down into it as if it would tell him all of life's secrets. Or more likely provide the miracle cure to his nightmares that I knew he had to be wishing for. 

The room lapsed back into an awkward silence. I wished he would talk to me, I hated it when something was bothering him. I just wanted to help him, I hated feeling that there was nothing I could do. It made me restless, and anxious. 

Abruptly Yamato dropped his spoon altogether and shoved his chair back from the table. He got up and stalked down the hallway back to his room, slamming his bedroom door behind him. 

I just blinked, staring at the empty spot where he'd been sitting a few seconds ago. "Um," I said. 

Mr. Ishida sighed, getting up as well and grabbing both our bowls from the table. "I was hoping that he'd be doing better today, after he'd gotten some sleep." 

"He was," I said, watching him dump Yamato's uneaten cereal into the trash. "Or, well, he got a little better last night," I amended, flushing ever so slightly. I was glad Mr. Ishida's back was to me at the moment, so he wouldn't see me and wonder. "But he had another nightmare right before I woke him up." 

Mr. Ishida sighed again at that, and I got up from the table, my chair scraping against the floor. "I can try to talk him," I offered, shrugging a bit apologetically, though I wasn't expecting much. Yamato was pretty stubborn, and if he truly didn't feel like talking, no amount of pretty words and puppy dog eyes from me was going to change that. 

"If you can actually _get_ him to talk, that would be good," Mr. Ishida said, his voice sounding both resigned and defeated. 

"He talked some last night," I said, trying for optimism, already heading down the hallway. "I'll see what I can do." I reached Yamato's closed door and halted, standing hesitantly in front of it for a moment. I didn't know whether to knock or just go in. If I knocked, Yamato probably wouldn't answer. But if I just went in, he would probably get mad at me. 

Then I gave a mental shrug at myself for being dumb, and knocked. "Yamato?" 

As predicted, there was no answer. I gave him another moment, then tried the door. Thankfully it was unlocked, and I went in. Yamato was spread out on his bed, lying face down. He had his arms shoved up under his pillow, practically smothering his face with it. He wasn't making any noise though, so if he was crying, it was silently. 

I went over and sat down on the edge of the bed. Hesitantly I reached out and touched his shoulder. "Yamato?" I said again. "Talk to me. What's wrong?" 

He didn't respond for a moment, then released his pillow, rolling over onto his side and looking up at me. His face was dry. No crying, then, which, I had to admit, left me a little relieved. Not that he didn't deserve to cry, I just never knew what to do about it. "I'm tired of the nightmares," he admitted lowly. "I'm scared they won't ever go away." 

"Why... why won't you take something to help you sleep?" I asked him. 

He averted his eyes at that, studying the wall behind me instead, as if it was truly fascinating. "I'm too scared to." 

"Scared? Why?" I was confused, not sure what could be so scary about sleeping pills. They were a good thing, weren't they, if they could help him sleep? What was there to be afraid of? 

"I... what if I still have a nightmare after I've taken one? I'll be stuck under the influence of the pill then, unable to wake myself up, endlessly trapped watching Ken hurt me or my friends. I don't think I could handle that," he said quietly, curling in upon himself a bit. 

I just swallowed, not having a good response to that. 

"I wish I'd never met Ken sometimes," he said then. "Late at night, when I'm lying in bed afraid to fall asleep, I think about how nice it would have been had Ken never existed." 

"You really wish that?" I asked him softly. "What about all the good times, when you were still friends? You'd give that up?" 

"Yes!" he cried. "I do! I wish it with all my heart! I _hate_ Ken, I hate him and I hate what he did to me and trying to think about what he used to be like before only makes it worse! I'd give it up in a heartbeat!" He sat up then, looking at me with wild eyes. "I just want to escape! I want to escape everything, I feel so trapped, all the time, I can't stand it! I want him out of my mind, out of my memories, out of my life!" 

Overwhelmed, I grabbed for Yamato's good hand and clung to it tightly, hardly able to believe what he was yelling to me. _This_ was what he'd been feeling, all this time? 

"I can't though," he continued, quieter, clutching my hand in return. "I can't make him go away, no matter how hard I try. He's always there, always waiting for me in my dreams, always waiting to torment me, and I can't escape it. I dread going to bed every night. I force myself to stay awake as long as possible, just so it'll be longer before the nightmares come. Sometimes I get lucky, sometimes I'm so exhausted that I crash, _hard_ , and I'm too deep in sleep for the nightmares to come. But that only works every so often." 

"I'm sorry," I said helplessly. "I had no idea..." I felt so guilty. Not just because I couldn't do anything to help him, but because I'd never noticed just how bad he'd been feeling. If I'd just taken the time to really _ask_ , to push harder when I first started noticing that he was off... Instead I'd just accepted his excuse of 'stress over the band' and left it alone. What kind of friend was I? 

"Yamato?" Mr. Ishida's voice came through the closed door. 

Yamato quickly dropped my hand, calling for his dad to come in. Mr. Ishida opened the door and stood in the doorway, looking at us. "Nyusumi's here to visit you," he said. "He's in the living room. Do you want me to send him away?" 

Yamato looked at me, questioningly. I shrugged. "He called last night. I told him he could probably come over, but to call and make sure first. I guess he forgot to call." Or didn't want to because he didn't want to chance being turned away. 

"Oh. I guess it's alright, Dad. Send him back." 

Mr. Ishida nodded and disappeared, and a few moments later Ny was standing in the doorway, looking at us sheepishly. "I know I should have called," he said. "But I was worried. Taichi wouldn't tell me what was going on." 

"It's fine." Yamato waved him in, pointing at the desk chair, and Ny sat. They both glanced over at me. I held up my hands in defense. "Hey, I _said_ he had a bad evening. That wasn't a lie!" 

Yamato sighed, and focused on Ny, his eyes serious. "I had a panic attack," he said. I kept quiet, leaving it up to him to decide how much to tell. 

"A panic attack?" Ny asked, frowning. He began to twirl his finger around random strands of his hair, which was loose for once. It was also no longer a solid light purple; instead, there were light blue streaks scattered throughout now. Not that this was uncommon, Ny dyed his hair as often as other people changed their underwear. 

"Yes, a panic attack. It was only my second one, so don't go freaking out on me. I'm good now." 

"Why'd you have one?" 

"I just did." Yamato turned his head away. "Can we talk about something else?" 

Ny shrugged, recognising Yamato didn't want to discuss it. "Sure. Like what?" 

"Well..." Yamato glanced over at me anxiously, looking uncertain. I didn't know what that look was for, so I just shrugged. He took a breath, and then plunged on. "Taichi and I are officially together now." 

I winced. _I could have used more warning than just an uncertain look, Yamato..._ I gave my own anxious glance to Nyusumi, wanting to see how he would take it. 

Better than I would have expected, but still not great. Ny was grinning at us, exclaiming, "That's great!" but it was easy to look past that and see the pain in his eyes. Still, he did seem genuinely glad for Yamato, which I supposed was a testament to just how much he cared. I didn't think I could have been as nice if it had been Yamato telling me that he was dating Ny. The jealousy and self-pity would have eaten me alive. 

"Thanks," Yamato said softly. 

"So, wanna hear about Kenji's latest crazy stunt?" Ny asked, clearly wanting to change the subject again. 

"Sure." 

"Well, we were in third period, and Kenji had these boxes of party snappers..." 

* * *

Some time later, Yamato and I were alone in the apartment. Ny had left and his dad had gone out to get some apparently desperately needed groceries. The two of us were sitting on the couch, ignoring the low droning of the now forgotten TV as we cemented our new relationship with a bit of light making out, taking our time to learn each other and enjoy the newness of it all. 

I'd been a little worried that Yamato wouldn't want to kiss me, afraid it would trigger memories of Ken or something, but he seemed just as eager for it as I was, and I wasn't going to question it, not wanting to lose this chance. Still, I was very careful about anything else I did, making sure I kept my hands more or less to myself. I really did not want to set off a panic attack because I accidentally touched him exactly the way Ken did. 

Just as we broke off from a rather long, intense kiss, the phone rang. The both of us groaned. 

"Just let your answering machine get it," I whispered, darting in for another long kiss. 

He did just that, and after a few rings, the machine clicked on, starting Yamato's message. 

"Hello, you've reached the Ishida residence. This is Ishida Yamato yelling to you from somewhere under a mountain of clothes and mouldy dishes, currently unable to answer the phone. If you're looking for the elder Ishida of the house, he has moved into his office at work. If you're Ny or another band member, practice is officially cancelled as of now. If this is Jun, go find some other soul to torment. Otherwise, leave me a message at the beep." 

I pulled back, laughing lightly. I'd dared him to record that message one night while staying round. That had been months ago. "You never changed it?" 

He shrugged. "It was funny." 

My mother's voice spoke up then. "Nice message," she said, a bit dryly, then continued on. "Taichi? Are you there?" 

I sighed, pulling away from Yamato completely to lean over and grab the phone. "I'm here, Mom," I said. "What's up?" 

"Just wondering if you've permanently moved into Yamato's apartment, or if you were planning on coming home anytime soon." 

"Sorry," I said sheepishly. I glanced at the clock, it was only around five, which I really didn't think was that late, but then again, I _had_ been here since around seven last night. "I can come home soon." 

"I'd appreciate it," she said. "Your father and I are going out soon, and I'd like to see you a bit before we leave." 

I stifled my first instinct to whine. As if she and Dad didn't see me all the time... I really just wanted to hang out with Yamato, maybe make out some more... "Alright," I said reluctantly. "Be home shortly." 

After we said our goodbyes and hung up, I turned back to Yamato and gave him a pitiful look. He gave me one of his own. "Do you really have to leave?" he asked. 

"Sorry..." I said. "I don't want to, but Mom's insisting." 

"Um..." He looked at me hesitantly. "Could you maybe stay until my dad gets back?" he asked. "He should be home soon." 

I gave him a quizzical look. "Sure, I guess so. Why?" 

He shrugged, looking away. "No reason," he said. He reached out across the couch, grabbing my arm and pulling me back towards him. "I just want a little bit longer to kiss you." 

I knew it was a distraction. There was something else there, something he wasn't telling me. But for the moment, I was content to let it go. He'd bring it up when he was ready. 

I brought my face towards his, not quite touching him, murmuring against his lips. "Sounds good to me." 

* * *

"What was wrong with Yamato?" Mom asked me later, shortly after I'd gotten home. I looked up from the leftovers I had heated and turned into a sandwich, mouth full of tonkatsu. Quickly I chewed and swallowed, then said, "Nothing much. It was just a panic attack, which Mr. Ishida didn't realise. They're kinda scary to watch if you don't know." 

"That poor boy," she said, just as Dad walked into the room. "What a horrible thing for him to deal with." 

"Who?" Dad asked. 

I finished another bite, shaking my head. "Just talking about Yamato, Dad," I told him. "It's nothing." 

"Ah." He turned towards my mother, who had just finished washing the last of the dishes. "You ready to go, hon?" 

Mom smiled at him. "Just about. I need to dry these last few bowls, then get changed and grab my purse, and we can go." 

"Alright," he said agreeably, then faced me. ""Now Taichi," he said mock sternly, "Your sister is here, so you can forget about the parties you were going to throw while we were gone, and don't even think about calling those girls whose numbers you've hidden under your mattress." 

He laughed then, fully expecting me to laugh with him as we both knew he was just teasing, but all I did was wince. If he knew the truth, would he still be so cheerful? I really had no idea how my parents would take it. 

I got up from the table, empty plate in hand, and caught Mom giving me a speculative, curious look. Much the way she had last night as I'd raced out of the apartment. It definitely unnerved me. 

Did she suspect the truth? 

I set my plate in the sink absently, watching my parents head back towards their bedroom. Mom glanced back at me yet again, a pondering look still in her eyes. Really though, how could she figure it out? I didn't think I'd really done anything that screamed "I'm gay and have a huge crush on my best friend!" Had I? 

Of course, I hadn’t thought the band had known either, and yet, they’d been betting on me... 

I sighed to myself, resolving not to worry about it. I couldn't predict their reactions to learning the truth, and I wasn't ready to tell them yet, so there was no sense in borrowing trouble. I waved goodbye to them a few minutes later when they left, still sitting in the kitchen, although I wasn't doing anything. As soon as the front door shut, Hikari glided into the room, grinning at me. 

"You hide girls' numbers under your mattress?" 

I rolled my eyes. Of course she had to hear Dad. "Oh please, you know better than that," I told her. 

She sighed, though she was still smiling at me. "I know. You'd rather spend the rest of your life waiting for Yamato..." 

It was my turn to grin at her. "Nope," I said nonchalantly. 

"No?" She put a hand over her heart in mock shock. "Don't tell me you've given up on him?" 

I shook my head. "Even better." 

"Better?" she asked, then looked at me again and let out a shriek. I jumped, startled. My sister never _shrieked_. "Taichi!" she cried. "You're going out with him now?" 

I grinned even wider at her. "Yep. He said last night that he was willing to give it a try." 

Hikari clapped her hands together, clearly excited. "That's great! I'm glad for you guys, you both deserve a bit of happiness." 

Well, Yamato certainly deserved some measure of happiness, at least. I was already pretty happy myself. "Thanks, Hikari," I said quietly. 

* * *

I was eating breakfast before school the next morning when the phone rang. "I'll get it," I said, even though I was the only one in the room. Force of habit, I suppose. I jumped up, heading into the living room and answering it. "Yagami residence." 

"Taichi?" It was Yamato. 

"Yeah, it's me. What's wrong?" I asked him, slightly concerned. He sounded groggy, and his words were slurring, though it was barely noticeable. 

"Won't be in school today..." he said. 

"Why not? What's wrong?" I repeated. 

"Um... fell out of bed earlier. Hit my head, got a concussion." 

" _What_!" I exclaimed, shocked. How did someone fall out of bed and wind up with a concussion? "Are you alright?" 

"'m'fine. Come round after school, I'll explain," he told me. 

"Okay," I said. Hopefully he'd be less out of it by then too, so his explanation would actually make sense. "Well I need to finish getting ready for school. I'll see you later, okay?" 

"'kay," he said, and hung up. 

I blinked, staring at the dead receiver in my hand for a moment, and then hung up too. 

A concussion? 

Suddenly the day seemed like it would be incredibly long. 

* * *

I was right. The day was very long. It seemed to stretch on forever, each new minute looming in front of me, taunting me, threatening to last an hour. I couldn't concentrate on any of my classes. All I wanted was for school to be over so I could go to Yamato's and make sure for myself that he really was okay. 

The only amusing blip in the morning was watching Kenji get hauled up in front of the class in third period, where Mitsuo Sensei chewed him out for five minutes and then gave him a bunch of extra work as punishment for his little stunt yesterday. That lady sure had a voice on her... Of course, she also didn't care for Kenji much, or any of the other band members, including Yamato. It was a wonder she didn't hate me too, since it was common knowledge I was best friends with Yamato and often got on with the band pretty well. 

The band also cornered me at the end of lunch, wanting to know where Yamato was. I shrugged, and, before I could think better of it, blurted out the truth. "He said something about a concussion this morning." 

"What?" Ny said, staring at me. "Explain that." 

I sighed and cursed myself. I should have expected that, and known better. I started to say that I didn't have an explanation for it, but just then the bell rang signalling the end of lunch. "I can’t right now. Look, we'll talk later," I said instead, and started to take off, hoping for a quick escape. 

"No way," Ny said grimly, grabbing my arm and dragging me in the opposite direction. "We're skipping and going to the old gym, where you're going to explain." 

"Ack!" I cried. "Ny, stop! Seriously, I don't know, okay?" 

Ny didn't stop though, and I finally just yanked my arm away from him, causing me to stumble and nearly fall, my balance a bit off-kilter. 

"Fine," I grumbled, using Ratsuii to steady myself. "We can skip. I don't really feel like going to class anyways. But I'm telling you, I really don't know anything." 

We headed outside to the side of the school, keeping an eye out for any teachers. Luckily we didn't run into any and managed to make it safely in. Ny headed for his usual spot under the bleachers, the rest of us following us suit. 

"Alright, spill," Ny commanded once we were all settled. 

I groaned, leaning back against the wall, wishing I could just bash my head against it. "I wasn't kidding, Ny, I really don't know anything," I told him. 

"You must know _something_ ," Ny insisted. "How else would you even know he had a concussion?" 

"Maybe because he called me this morning?" I snapped, starting to get fed up. "You know, they have these great inventions now called telephones, maybe you've heard of them?" I asked sarcastically, and heard Kenji snort back a laugh. 

"Well excuse me for caring about my friend!" Ny shot back, huffing at me, irritated himself now. 

I sighed, feeling chastised. "Look. He called me before school this morning, and told me he wouldn't be here and that he had a concussion. He said something about falling out of bed, and told me that if I came round after school he'd explain it then. Honestly, that is all I know, okay?" 

"Fine," Ny said, scowling, looking unhappy. 

The four of us sat in awkward silence for a moment. 

"Can you believe all that work Mitsuo Sensei gave me?" Kenji suddenly said, perhaps trying to lighten the tension. 

Ratsuii gave him an incredulous look. "Well, you _are_ the one who threw about four packs of party snappers at her all at once." 

"It was a joke!" he protested. "They're harmless! I just wanted to see if she'd jump. Come on, it was _funny_ , she didn't have to give me all that work. Or yell at me yesterday to get out," he added, pouting. 

Ny, Ratz, and I all rolled our eyes at that. "If you want to play the prank, you've got to be willing to accept the punishment too," Ratsuii said, ever the logical one. 

"I still didn't deserve _that_ much extra work," Kenji muttered. 

"I'm just glad—" 

"You four!" a deep voice yelled sternly, startling us. "What are you doing in here?" 

Our eyes widened as we looked at each other and then towards the voice. A man was walking towards us, carefully picking his way through the supports holding up the bleachers. "It's the principal," Ny hissed. 

"Crap, if he catches us, we'll get suspended and my mom will kill me!" I hissed back. 

"Yeah, mine too," Ratsuii said, looking worried. 

"Come on, let's get out of here!" Kenji cried, jumping up. He started wriggling his body through the gaps between each level of bleachers, crawling on top of them and then standing and bolting down them until he was back at the floor, where he then started running for the door. 

"Hey! Hey you, get back here!" The principal shouted after him. 

The three of us that were left looked at each for a moment, and then nodded and quickly followed Kenji's example. 

"Don't you three even think about it! Asashi! I recognise that hair, I know it's you! It's useless to run!" 

* * *

Somehow we wound up at Nyusumi's house. 

Despite knowing Ny since I was twelve, I hadn't actually been to his house before. I was surprised to find he lived in actual house, not an apartment like most of us. 

What surprised me even more, though, was the way Ny behaved at his house. Not that it was very noticeable, but he seemed to become a different person at his house. At school he was more open and carefree, but at his house he almost acted stiff and formal... it was a bit strange. 

"Man, that was crazy!" Kenji gloated as we stood in the entrance to Ny's house, removing our shoes. "That was more than crazy, that was awesome! I don't think I've ever ran from the principal before!" 

Ny shrugged, seemingly indifferent to what we had just done. "I guess." 

I raised an eyebrow at him, tugging off a sock. "Ny, he called you by name. Aren't you worried he'll call your parents? I know I am." 

"I think it'll be fine, really," Ratsuii said, though he looked a bit worried himself. "After all, he didn't actually catch us, he doesn't have proof it was us." 

"You guys want anything to eat? Drink?" Ny asked us once he finally let us in. The others shook their heads, but I didn't reply, too busy marvelling at Ny's house. 

Nyusumi was _rich_. 

His house was full of very expensive looking ceramics, antiques, and paintings arranged artfully all over the place. More than that, the house was big, and had a very traditional look to it, not really something you expected to see in the middle of Odaiba. Where had the money come from? 

Ny saw me looking around at everything with awe, and adopted an embarrassed face, tugging uncomfortably at his hair. "My mom's sister died," he said, as if this explained things. 

I just nodded and pretended this made sense to me. But when Ny turned and started heading towards his room, Kenji leaned over and whispered to me that his aunt had died seventeen years ago, and in fact the money came from the fact that Ny's father was the administrator for one of Tokyo's bigger hospitals, and his mother was a prestigious defense attorney for a large law firm. 

I blinked at him, thoroughly surprised. In all the years I'd known him, I'd never once learned that. In fact, it was dawning on me that Ny had never really mentioned anything about his parents to me. "Why hasn't Ny ever said anything?" I whispered back. 

"Well, Ny doesn't like hospitals, so he's not exactly thrilled with his dad's job. And he also gets very embarrassed at all the money, so he doesn't go around telling people about it." 

"That's... strange," I said quietly, as we reached Ny's room, feeling like there had to be more to it than that. 

Kenji just shrugged, and we dropped the subject. Ny let us in his room, with a warning to me to not disturb anything. He immediately headed for his bed, while Kenji and Ratz made a beeline for some beanbags that were situated in a corner. After a hesitant moment, I decided to sit in his desk chair, hoping that it wouldn't be considered "disturbing anything" of his. Though 'anything' seemed to consist mostly of various keyboards set up around the room, along with a set of drums that were probably Kenji's. I guessed the band did most of their real practice at Ny's house. 

"So, I think we should go visit Yamato," Ny said. 

"What? No," I said, my tone of voice implying that he was clearly crazy. "He had a concussion, I doubt the last thing he'll want right now is a bunch of visitors." Not to mention I really wasn't sure of his state of mind. He'd seemed better yesterday when I left, but he'd also said this morning that he'd fell out of his bed. The only way I could imagine that happening was if he'd been caught up in a nightmare or flashback and wasn't aware of his surroundings. 

"Fine. Just take me then," Ny insisted. 

"I don't know... He may not be up to anyone at all right now." 

"Oh come on. He told you to visit him, right? I'm sure he's fine. He could probably handle all of us, really, at least for a few minutes." 

Ny sure was persistent. 

"You and I both know it wouldn't be a few minutes," I argued. "You guys will get there and not want to leave, and Yamato will be too polite to kick you out even if he really wants you to go." 

Ny rolled his eyes. "Okay. Then you and I can go, and after a few minutes, _you_ can kick me out." 

"What makes you think I have that power?" 

"You answered his phone, you can kick me out. I wouldn't be surprised if you practically live there now." 

"I do not," I said hotly, though I was blushing. I groaned, knowing he wasn't going to let it go until I gave in. "Fine, you can come with me, but only you." I looked at Kenji and Ratsuii. "You guys will have to go on your own later, if he okays it. Or just wait til school tomorrow, if he's there." 

Kenji pouted, and even Ratsuii looked a bit put out. "That's not fair," Kenji grumbled at me. 

"Sorry," I said, not meaning it at all. 

"See now, don't you feel bad for mocking my crush on Yamato? If _you_ were the one with the crush, then it'd be you Taichi was taking instead of me." 

"Taichi knows about that?" Ratsuii asked at the same time as I asked, "They know about that?" 

Ny glanced around at all of us. "Yes," he just said simply, blinking a bit in confusion. 

"You told Taichi?" 

"I told Taichi before your big mouth revealed it to our band, genius." 

"Wait, so does Yamato know?" I asked. 

"Unfortunately," Ny said, glaring at Kenji. 

"My bad," Kenji said, looking a bit sheepish. "I did say I was sorry." 

"Yeah, eventually." 

A knock on Ny's door interrupted their bickering, leaving Ratsuii and I relieved. "Ny?" a girl's voice said through the closed door. 

Ny sighed. "It's open, Emi." 

The door opened then, revealing a girl who looked a lot like Nyusumi, though of course she was dressed in Odaiba High's female uniform instead. But she had the same violet eyes, same facial structure, same slender frame, seemingly same height... Even her hair was almost the same, the only difference being that hers was a solid blue instead of streaked two colours. But the shade of blue matched Ny's streaks. 

I blinked, looking back and forth between them. I hadn't even known Nyusumi had a sister, much less a twin. Of course, I didn't know him as well as Yamato, but still... it seemed like a twin sister would be pretty basic knowledge to know. Did Ny hide that information too, and if so, why? 

"What is it, Emiko?" Ny asked her. She was just standing in the doorway, staring around at all of us, looking slightly uncomfortable. 

She focused her attention on her brother then, effectively shutting the rest of us out as if we didn't even exist. It was fascinating to watch, if a little unsettling. "The principal pulled me out of sixth period to rant at me about you. He wanted me to pass along the message that you got lucky this time, because he didn't actually catch you in the act, but the next time you skip class or try to run from him, he said he will punish you. Just thought I'd warn you." 

"Alright, thanks Emi," Ny said, as I let out a relieved noise. 

Emi shrugged and started to leave. 

"Wait, how come you're home already?" Ny asked, stopping her in her tracks. "School's not over yet." 

"The principal annoyed me, so I left." Then she was gone. 

We all stared after her. Personally, I thought she was a little strange. 

"Ny, did I ever mention how hot your sister is?" Kenji asked in a teasing tone. 

"Only about a million times, Kenji," Ny told him, rolling his eyes, shoving playfully at him. "And it doesn't get any less gross each time." 

Kenji grinned, not looking bothered in the slightest, while I tried to figure out what could be 'gross' about it. "You think she'd ever go out with me?" 

"Not in a million years." 

I laughed. 

* * *

"Oh, Taichi. I didn't expect you quite yet. You're a bit early, did school let out already?" Mr. Ishida asked, giving me a knowing look. 

I gave him a sheepish grin, scratching at my head. "Something like that." 

"Well, you boys just go on back, he's in his room," he said, waving us away. 

"Thanks, Mr. Ishida," Ny said, and we headed back. 

We got there and found Yamato standing shirtless at his dresser, digging through drawers. He apparently heard us coming, and turned part-way to face us, his right side visible. It was then that I caught sight of his wrists. The cast and bandages were gone, and even from across the room it was impossible to miss the fact that they were heavily scabbed over, the marks making it clearly obvious what he'd intended. 

Next to me, I heard Ny let out a shocked gasp. Yamato seemed to realise then what the problem was, and quickly shoved both his hands behind his back, trying to hide them. I gave him an apologetic look, feeling awful. I was pretty sure that I was the only person he'd intended to tell about that, and now I'd messed it up by bringing Ny to visit him without warning him first. 

"Yamato, what..." Ny choked out in a strangled sounding voice. 

Yamato didn't reply, just bit his lip and turned back towards his dresser, quickly grabbing out a long sleeved shirt and throwing it over his head. He grasped the edges of the sleeves with his fingers, pulling them down as far as they would go, making sure his wrists were covered. Then he just stood there limply, staring down at the ground. 

No one spoke for a minute. I stupidly kept waiting for one of them to say something, which I suppose was ridiculous. Yamato was too ashamed and Ny was too shocked. As long as I was there they were just going to ignore it, hoping that I'd say something. 

"Right," I finally said, not about to deal with it myself, but not willing to let them shove it aside either. "I think you two need to talk a bit. I'll be out in the living room." 

Then I backed out and left them there, and hoped they'd have the sense enough to work it out. 

Or else I'd just have to slap the sense into them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (14 july 2011 0745PM)


	4. Book One - chapter four - endings and beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realise this chapter veers sharply into one-shot territory all on its own as it's 17.5K words, but with the way the fic is set up, there really is no way to split it up. My apologies. This is the longest chapter of the fic, I promise none of the other chapters are this long.
> 
> _though you feel like cracking, everything's clear_   
>  _you waited yesterday without sleep_
> 
> _the miracle you were dreaming of won't come any more_  
>  _but the far sky will lead you there_  
>  \- **L'Arc~en~Ciel** , neo universe.

I stood there frozen after Taichi retreated, unsure of what to do and completely humiliated. I wanted to scream, to cry, to rewind time and make it so the last few minutes didn't happen. School wasn't even out yet, what were they doing at my apartment already? And for that matter, why had Taichi brought Ny?

I'd never intended for Nyusumi to know. I'd never intended for _anyone_ other than my dad and Taichi to know what I'd tried to do to myself. Possibly Natsuko knew, from when Dad had talked to her on the phone after the news report, but I certainly hadn't told her myself. Even Takeru still didn't know this tidbit. 

But now Nyusumi knew, and there was no getting around it. Taichi was right, we needed to talk about it. I didn't want to have it sitting between us, or for Ny to think that I still felt that way about myself. 

I sighed, and walked over to my bed, sitting down on the edge. After a hesitant moment I gestured for Ny to join me, but he just continued to stare at me, glancing down at my wrists uncertainly. I winced, feeling ashamed, but soldiered on. "Please," I said quietly to him. 

After another long moment of uncomfortable staring and silence, Ny finally started to slowly approach me, eventually sitting down gingerly, though he remained tense and stiff next to me. I picked up my pillow and hugged it to my chest, using it as a convenient way to hide my wrists, the shirt not feeling like enough coverage, though I did also find it comforting to have something to hold onto. 

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys," I said, pulling at a loose thread on the corner of my pillow. I couldn't bring myself to really look at Ny yet, I was still too embarrassed and hurt by his reaction. "I just wasn't really ready." I paused. "I guess that's not exactly true. I wasn't planning on ever telling you guys." 

"When?" 

"A little over a month ago," I admitted. "That first day I didn't show up at school for those two weeks before the news broke? I did it that night before." I swallowed. I still had a hard time thinking about that night, and the events that had precipitated my attempt on my life. That had been one of the worst nights of my life, worse even than when I'd been stabbed. Mostly I just tried to avoid thinking about it at all. 

"It's... I don't feel that way any more," I attempted to clarify for him. "I mean, obviously I'm not doing great right now, but... it was stupid. I don't want to die. I'm glad I didn't. At the time, everything was just so awful, I felt trapped and didn't know what else to do. It was a mistake, Ny, and one that's not going to repeat. Okay?" 

"It scares me," Ny said softly. "Even if you say you don't want to die _now_ , at some point you must have, to have done that. It's just scary, to know that things were so bad for you that you didn't see any way out other than hurting yourself." 

"I know," I said, pulling harder at that thread. It was easier to focus on that than on the conversation taking place. I really didn't want to be sitting next to Ny, talking about this. "I know it's scary. Hell, it still scares me sometimes, when I look at myself and realise just what I could have done." 

He sighed, quiet for a moment, before swallowing audibly and speaking once more. "You aren't the first person I know to do that to yourself," he admitted. "I had to be the one to find them, and to see in their eyes for months afterwards that they wanted to try again... Knowing you did it once, even if you say you won't, you might try again, and what if you succeed?" 

I closed my eyes, a lump of guilt lodging in my throat. I hadn't known that about Ny, and he didn't have to say a name for me to make a good guess at who he'd found after a suicide attempt. She was always wearing some sort of wristbands or bracelets, and I knew there'd been some sort of trauma once. Not to mention I'd seen plenty of times how deeply he cared for her. It made me feel even more ashamed, to know that I was causing him that kind of pain all over again. I opened my eyes and glanced up at him briefly before looking back to the blankets, unable to hold his gaze. "I won't," I said, not sure how to reassure him. "Honestly, it was the worst pain I'd ever felt in my life, and I never want to experience it again. I'm not going to try again, no matter how bad things get." 

He let out a shuddery breath, and out of the corner of my eye I saw him slump down as some of the tension finally left him. "I hope you don't. I'm really glad you didn't succeed. I don't think I could ever go through something like that again. And I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here anymore," he said. "I don't ever want you to leave me. I'd be way too lost without you." 

I lifted my head then, finally abandoning my pillow and looking at him. He was looking intently at me, his face very solemn. I suddenly felt rather unnerved. That had almost sounded like a twisted declaration of love. 

"I'm glad too," I said faintly, inanely, suddenly feeling unable to take my eyes off him. What was going on here? Ny was looking at me so serious, something I'd rarely seen on him. And was it my imagination, or was he slowly leaning in towards me? 

The world suddenly felt muted, all the sounds faraway, the colours dulled. It was as if Ny and I were the only two people in the world, and nothing else mattered. Instinctively, I sensed what Ny was going to do seconds before he actually did it. 

I started to pull away, tried to speak—but then warm lips were pressing softly against my own, and Ny was kissing me. 

I sat there frozen, too shocked to move, to do anything, to even _think_ — 

And then it hit me then, with sudden clarity, _Ny was kissing me_ , and I had just gotten together with Taichi, and I didn't even _like_ Ny that way— 

I jerked away. 

Ny blinked, as if snapping out of some weird trance, and immediately started apologising, looking both guilty and contrite. "Oh man, Yamato, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I just did that," he said, and for one horrible moment I was reminded of another time, another apology from another person, but I knew I couldn't afford to have a panic attack, so I roughly yanked my mind back to the present, forcibly trying to shove the memories away. 

Ny was still babbling apologies at me, looking anxious and horrified. I gave him a jerky sort of nod, trying to indicate it was fine, but I was still too shocked to really speak and reassure him, and I was still desperately trying to keep the bad memories from assaulting me. 

As fate would have it, there was a knock on my door then, and Taichi's voice was calling in to us, saving us from having another awkward discussion. 

Ny cut off his sorries, giving me an ashamed look, and then told Taichi to come in. 

Taichi opened the door and walked in, stopping near the entrance, eyebrows raised. "Just wondering if you guys were okay in here," he said. 

"We're fine," Ny said. 

I didn't say anything, which didn't go unnoticed by Taichi. 

After a moment Ny stood. "I really ought to be going," he said. "I've got a date with Tora in a few hours." 

"Tora?" Taichi asked, frowning, probably trying to place him. He wasn't always great with names and faces. 

Ny nodded, studiously avoiding looking at me. "Yeah. You've probably seen him around. Short, green eyes, dyed his hair white and red and claimed to support Japan with it." 

"Ah," Taichi said knowingly. "Flag hair. I didn't know he was gay." 

I let out a small snort, amused at Taichi's simple descriptor for Tora. 

Ny shrugged. "Yeah, well, I probably shouldn't have mentioned it, I don't think he's really out yet. So don't spread it around." He glanced at me, at last. "I'm glad you're okay, Yamato. I'll see you guys later, okay?" 

I waved a hand in goodbye as he left. Dealt with one awkward thing and another popped up in its place... 

Taichi came all the way into the room, sitting down next to me, taking Ny's place. "Are things really alright between you two? You get it all sorted?" 

I didn't dare tell him about the kiss. The last thing I wanted was Taichi mad at Ny, especially since Ny had apologised for it. "Yeah, I think so," I told him, mustering up a smile. 

Taichi smiled back at me. "Okay," he said. His face turned serious for a moment. "I'm sorry I brought Ny in without warning like that." 

I bit my lip, half-smiling wryly at him. "Well, it's not like you could have known I had my cast and bandages removed this morning. And I did have my door open..." 

"So you're not mad then?" he asked, sounding a bit anxious. "I know you didn't want anyone else knowing. I feel really bad about it." 

"I'm not exactly thrilled that he knows, but I know you didn't do it on purpose. Don't worry about it, okay Taichi?" 

"Okay," he said, clearly relieved. "Now tell me about this concussion thing." 

I groaned. Today was just a day for conversations I didn't want to have. I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling a bit stupid about it all. "Well, I had a nightmare early this morning," I began. "And my dad came in to try and wake me, because according to him I was screaming and thrashing around in my sleep." 

Taichi winced at that, but didn't say anything other than, "Go on." 

"Um... I woke up. And I saw my dad I guess, only it was dark and I was confused, still half in the nightmare. I... I thought it was Ken," I confessed lowly, my face turning a bit red. Why had I promised to tell Taichi about this? Or at least, why hadn't I just made something up? Everyone lied in relationships, right? 

"I sort of panicked a bit," I continued. "I tried to jump up out of my bed, to get away from Ken, but I got tangled up in the bedsheets." My face was really heating up. I still couldn't believe how badly I'd reacted this morning. I wished the stupid nightmares would leave me alone. 

"So... the bedsheets gave you a concussion?" Taichi asked, sounding understandably confused. 

I rolled my eyes, grabbing my pillow and whacking him lightly in the arm with it. "No, don't be stupid," I said. "I got tangled in them, and because I was trying to get out of the bed at the same time, I fell. I hit my head on the side of the bed frame pretty hard and it gave me a concussion. On the plus side, it did jar me right out of my nightmare..." 

He laughed a bit at that, and I supposed it was kind of funny in retrospect, though it hadn't been at all this morning. This morning it had just been terrifying and then annoying. "Sorry," he said then. "I know it couldn't really have been all that funny, just the way you said it..." 

"It's alright," I reassured him. "It does sound a little funny now." 

"So did you have to go to the hospital?" 

"Uh-huh. Dad took me to the ER. They said it was just a mild concussion, so they let me go back home to sleep. Well, they took the chance to remove my cast and bandages first, since I was supposed to go in for that in a few days anyway. But I didn't need to stay otherwise. Dad just had to wake me every few hours and check on me. I'm fine now." 

"Well, I'm glad you're okay, I was really worried when you called me this morning." 

"Sorry," I said sheepishly, realising now how my call must have affected Taichi. "My head was killing me this morning, I felt like crap and really just wanted to sleep. I wasn't really thinking that clearly." 

He smiled at me. "It doesn't matter now. You're okay. That's what's important." 

* * *

Some time later found me alone and attempting to do a bit of make-up work I'd picked up on that half day back, in a vain attempt to not think about Ny and what had happened earlier. I couldn't believe he'd actually kissed me. Why had he done that? He knew I was dating Taichi, hell, he'd known for ages that I'd had a crush on Taichi. I felt bad that I couldn't like him the way he wanted me to, but I couldn't force feelings where there weren't any. 

No, wait. Homework... I had to stop thinking about it. If only it wasn't biology homework that I was working on. 

He had apologised, at least. He'd probably just got caught up in the moment. And he couldn't have known that the things he was saying would trigger me with bad memories, so I couldn't fault him for that. 

It was stupid to worry over it. I didn't like him that way, so the kiss meant nothing to me. I didn't even respond, so it wasn't like I cheated on Taichi or anything. The next time I saw Ny, we'd probably both pretend that nothing ever happened and our friendship would go on as usual. At least that's what I really hoped would happen. 

Ugh, homework! _Stop thinking, brain!_ I commanded myself mentally. 

Thankfully a better distraction presented itself in the form of a knock on my door just then. "Yamato?" Dad called through. 

I gratefully slammed my textbook shut and got up to let Dad in. Though when I saw how solemn and worried his face looked, I suddenly had the feeling I would have been better off stressing over Ny's kiss. 

"What is it?" I asked a bit fearfully, almost afraid to know. 

He stood still in the doorway and looked at me, studying my face for a moment as if silently debating with himself before sighing and rubbing his forehead. "I just got a phone call from the police," he started. 

Yeah. Definitely wasn't gonna like this... I decided it'd be a good idea to sit back down, and plopped into my desk chair again. "What did they want?" 

He didn't answer at first, just stood there unmoving, looking as if he'd rather die before telling me whatever horrible news he had. 

"Dad," I prodded him, no small amount of dread in my voice. 

"It's Ken," he finally said reluctantly. "He's escaped from the detention center." 

I felt my heart skip a beat at Dad's words. "What?" I asked, raising a suddenly shaking hand to run through my hair. "Escaped? How? Why?" 

"No one's really sure how he did it yet. Apparently he was discovered missing at a bed check. They locked the entire facility down and did a thorough search, but he couldn't be found. No one's certain of what he's planning now either." 

"But they think he might come after me again," I whispered, swallowing hard. I could feel the panic building up inside of me, and tried hard to shove it down. I was already tired of falling apart all the time. 

"It's a possibility," Dad said quietly. "I'm not going to lock you away from the world, but you need to be extremely careful right now. As much as possible, I don't want you to be alone." 

No... This couldn't be happening. It was supposed to be _over_. Ken was supposed to be safely locked away, where he couldn't ever get to me or hurt me ever again. I was supposed to be _safe_. It wasn't fair. 

I shook my head, trembling all over at that point. It was getting harder to breath again. My chest felt as if someone was crushing it. The panic was quickly overtaking me, no matter how much I tried to fight against it. The rest of the world faded away, everything muted except for the echoes of my own harsh panting as I struggled to take in enough air. And even though I was cognisant enough to understand I was in the midst of another panic attack and would be fine, it was still scary as hell to have that feeling of not being able to breathe. 

"Yamato, stop." Dad was speaking to me, but his voice came from far away, as if he was yelling to me at the end of a long tunnel full of rushing wind. I struggled to listen. "Yamato, just calm down. You're okay. Just listen to my voice, don't think about anything else. Focus on taking slow, deep breaths. Calm down..." 

Somehow, Dad eventually managed to talk me out of it, getting me more or less calm again. It was nice to not pass out or fall asleep for once, but I still felt pretty wiped out and ashamed. "Sorry," I mumbled when I felt I could speak again, pressing a hand over my eyes and trying not to cry. "I don't know why this keeps happening..." 

I heard Dad get up and walk over to me, then felt him carefully place a hand on my shoulder. He was always so careful about touching me now, as if he thought I might break if he wasn't gentle enough. I wished he wouldn't be. As long as I wasn't in a flashback, I didn't mind people touching me. It was nice to have safe, comforting touches after all the pain Ken's touches had inflicted on me. "It's okay," he said. "You've been through a lot these past few months. I wouldn't expect you to be one hundred percent right now. You don't need to be embarrassed, Yamato, it's normal." 

I shrugged, knowing he was probably right but still not really willing to believe him. I did at least take my hand away and look up at Dad. "I just want everything to be like it was before," I admitted quietly. 

Dad swallowed hard, suddenly looking as if he might cry himself, though he smiled at me, probably trying to be reassuring. "I know you do," he said. "We'll get there, as close as we can, okay? In the meantime, how about you come sit in the living room with me, hmm? Watch some TV, relax a bit? You can come back to your homework later." 

I knew Dad really just didn't think I should be left alone, but I nodded at him anyways. "Okay. You go ahead, I'm just gonna call Taichi real quick..." 

He nodded at me, and left the room. Once I was sure he was completely gone, I grabbed my cell off my bed and dialled the familiar Yagami number. After a few rings, Mr. Yagami picked up and quickly handed the phone off to Taichi. 

"Hello? Yamato?" 

"Ken's escaped," I said, not even bothering with a greeting. 

"I'll be right over," he said immediately. 

"Wait, you don't have to..." I started, but he'd already hung up. I pulled the phone away from my ear and stared at it for a moment, then rolled my eyes and snapped it closed. At least he cared. 

I went out to the living room to sit and wait with Dad. 

* * *

It didn't take long for Taichi to arrive. When he knocked on the door, Dad took a break from his 'pretending to relax while watching tv' and looked at me questioningly. I shrugged at him. "Taichi decided he needed to rush over," I said. 

"Ah," Dad replied knowingly, and got up to let him in, since I was apparently unwilling to give up my comfortable spot curled up on the couch. Truth be told, I was still feeling a little tired from my earlier panicking over Ken, and just didn't have the energy to get up. 

As soon as Dad opened the door and stepped aside, Taichi made a beeline straight for the couch, stopping short in front of me and inspecting me, clearly making sure that I wasn't about to fall apart on him. 

"I'm _fine_ , Taichi," I said a bit irritably when he wouldn't stop staring at me. "You didn't even have to come back over." 

He shrugged, finally leaving well enough alone and sitting down next to me. "Of course I did, you said Ken escaped." 

"Yeah, escaped. Not 'escaped and is in my room threatening me at knife point' or something. It wasn't any great emergency." 

Taichi huffed, pushing at my shoulder. "Just shut up and accept the support." 

I crossed my arms, pouting at him. "Fine." 

We sat quietly after that for a few moments, the only noise in the room coming from Dad's show. He was still pretending to be intently involved in the drama taking place on the screen, but I knew he was really keeping an eye on me, making sure that I didn't get upset or start panicking again. I knew that soon it would probably start to annoy me, having him constantly watching over me, but for now I didn't really mind. 

"I've got some gossip that might distract you, if you want to hear it," Taichi said suddenly, startling me out of my thoughts. "I meant to tell you earlier and forgot." 

"Huh?" I said, ever so eloquently. 

"A rumour I heard this morning. I had the chance to confirm it in third period. It involves Ratsuii." 

I blinked, slightly surprised. Usually when there was gossip about the band it involved Kenji, not Ratz. "Well that's a new one," I muttered, half to myself. 

Taichi laughed quietly. "Well, you know Genjitsu?" 

I looked at him in confusion, shaking my head. "Don't think so?" 

"Aw, come on Yamato, you've gotta know him. _Everybody_ knows him. He's really tall, dark eyes, got that dark slicked back hair that makes him looks like a movie star, and he's always getting in trouble for not wearing his uniform properly, usually because he's ditched the tie and blazer and unbuttoned his shirt..." 

I frowned, thinking. "He sounds familiar, but I can't place him." 

Taichi ran a hand through his hair, giving a quick glance at Dad, who was definitely listening to our conversation but acting as if he wasn't. After clearly giving a mental shrug, Taichi said, "He's one of the two only out gay guys in our school," with a very faint emphasis on the word out. 

"Genjitsu..." I murmured, and then suddenly it clicked. "Wait a minute, isn't he the guy that Kenji's friend Keiichi slept with? That time they got really drunk at one of the band's afterparties?" 

I heard a little choked off noise come from Dad's direction when I said that, but I ignored it, too interested in the tidbits of gossip to care what I was revealing to Dad. 

"More than that," Taichi told me. "They've been going out for three years." 

"Yeah, I remember now. I think I've even met him once or twice, before Ny banned Keiichi and him from coming to any more of the band's parties." 

Taichi shrugged. "Probably. Well, apparently Keiichi's been cheating on Genjitsu with Sai—and I _know_ you know Sai—" 

I snorted, nodding at him. It was impossible not to know of Sai, his reputation was as well known as Kento's, except that Sai's was solely for being promiscuous. He would sleep with just about anyone, guy or girl, it didn't matter to him as long as he could stick his dick in someone. 

"—well it seems that Gen finally found out about it. Turns out he's got a huge temper when he's pissed and scorned. Tuesday at lunch he got up on stage in front of the cafeteria and told Keiichi off right then and there. Then later, he managed to sneak in the principal's room—probably because he works in the office during seventh period—and he turned the intercom on and told the whole school that Keiichi was a slut, except nobody should ever sleep with him because he was really horrible in bed, and then he started to describe just how bad Keiichi was. The principal came in and dragged him off before he could go into much detail though, I guess." 

I raised my eyebrows at Taichi, snickering a bit trying to picture all of that happening. "I wish I could have been there to see all that," I said, grinning. 

Taichi grinned back at me. "Me too," he said. "Kenji said hearing Gen rant was hysterical, especially because you could hear the principal berating him before the intercom was turned off." 

"I bet he'll have detention for awhile," I remarked, laughing outright now. 

"A month, is what I heard." 

"Wow. Poor guy. How does this involve Ratz though?" 

Taichi gave another brief look over to my dad, then focused back on me. "Well, there was apparently a very brief rumour that Genjitsu was going out with Sai once he dumped Keiichi, but that's ridiculous since Sai doesn't date and who'd date the guy their ex cheated with? Winds up that it's actually Ratsuii he's dating now." 

"What?" I yelped, my voice squeaking a bit in my shock. "But Ratsuii's straight! He's told me himself, numerous times. Him and Kenji both. What is he playing at?" 

"He told me this morning that he's been kind of curious about guys for awhile now, and wanted to try something new." 

"Hmm." I sat there for a moment, trying to digest such information. "Well it's not like I'd have a problem with it... just never really imagined he'd date a guy. I wonder how the band's female fans will react when it gets out." 

Taichi shrugged. "The majority will probably eat it right up and romanticise the hell out of it. You know a lot of girls go crazy over that BL stuff." 

"I suppose," I murmured. "As long as it doesn't hurt the band's reputation... It's fine being on an indie label while we're still in school, but eventually we would like to go major, and Ny will kill us if any of us fucks up that chance." 

"Really, if anything, I think it'll help the band's reputation. I'm telling you, Yamato, girls love it. You'll be fine." 

"I hope so." 

"Yamato?" Dad said, interrupting our conversation. 

"Yeah Dad?" I asked, looking over at him. My poor dad was looking slightly scandalised by our conversation, though he was trying hard not to show it. I couldn't help feeling a twinge of anxiety twisting in my gut at his reaction. I really hoped Dad didn't have a problem with homosexuality. 

"I'm going to head off to the shower now. You guys behave out here, okay, and keep that door locked, understand?" 

"Sure," I said, waving him off. "We'll be fine. Enjoy your shower." 

Taichi waited until we were sure he was gone, and then immediately curled into my side, leaning over to kiss me. Immediately I was reminded of earlier, with Ny kissing me, and found it impossible to respond to Taichi with the sudden wave of guilt that crashed into me. 

He pulled back after a moment, looking at me with concern. "You alright?" 

I lifted a shoulder briefly, mustering up a small smile for him. "Sorry. Guess I'm still too worried about Ken." 

"It'll be okay," he said, pressing a bit harder into my side, as if the physical contact would be enough to keep me safe from the bad things in the world. "He won't hurt you again, not if I have anything to say about it." 

"I'd like to think not, but there's always a chance. You can't be with me twenty-four seven, Taichi." 

"That's what you think," he muttered darkly. 

I actually laughed at that. "The thought's sweet, but I don't want anyone to be with me twenty-four seven. I'd feel smothered. I _really_ don't want you following me to the bathroom." 

He gave me a sheepish look. "I guess... Just, be careful, please? It kills me, knowing that Ken was hurting you all that time before and I never once suspected. I know it's not my fault!" he added hastily when I glared at him. "It's just... I don't want you to be hurt anymore, okay? So please be safe." 

"I will," I said softly, seriously. "As best as I can, I will. I promise you that, Taichi." 

"Good," he said, just as soft and serious, and there we sat until Dad returned from his shower. 

* * *

Seeing Ny the next day in third period was every bit as awkward as I'd expected. Luckily, he was doing as I'd predicted and pretending the previous day's kiss had never happened. It was small comfort though, when every time I looked at him I remembered the feel of his lips against mine. Still, I did my best to ignore it and go on as normal. I wanted the awkwardness to fade so we could go back to how we were before. Much the way I wanted the rest of my life to go back to 'before'. 

"So now that my cast is gone and I can actually _play_ again, any chance we can have a real band practice soon?" I asked, directing my question more towards Kenji and Ratsuii, even though Ny was usually the one to organise our practices, seeing as it was his band. 

Ny gave me a strange look, as if wondering what I was on about. "Of course, we've got that fanclub concert Tuesday, remember?" 

I blinked at him. To be honest, I hadn't remembered. With everything that had been going on in my life, the band's happenings had become a rather low priority for me. "...Shit," I said. "I forgot." 

Ny groaned, looking annoyed, but thankfully Ratsuii came to my defense. "Well it's hardly surprising," he pointed out, "given everything else that you've had to deal with lately." 

Ny sighed. "True. We'll just have to spend every spare moment until Tuesday practising, to get you back up to speed." 

"Don't worry so much, Ny," Kenji said dismissively. "We'll be fine. Yamato's always been quick at learning new songs." 

"True," he said, and then Mitsuo Sensei came in, clapping her hands a few times to signal the beginning of class. We all shut up then, and focused on class. 

* * *

"Taichi, wait," I said, pulling on his sleeve as I shut my locker door, having finished exchanging my morning books for afternoon ones. 

"Hmm?" he asked, turning to face me as he shut his own locker. 

"Can we go to the old gym instead? I don't really feel up to seeing our other friends right now," I muttered, looking down at the floor, ashamed. The truth was, I was a bit afraid to see them. I didn't have a cast or bandages to hide behind now. 

"Sure," Taichi said, looking a bit confused. He didn't question me though, and we walked the familiar route in silence, easily sneaking in and slipping under the bleachers. 

Once we'd settled and Taichi had gotten his bento out, he fixed me with a stern look. "Okay, now talk," he commanded me. 

"About what?" I asked, stalling by feigning cluelessness. 

He refused to let himself be fooled though. "About whatever's got you so bothered you wanted to hide here instead of facing our friends." 

I turned away from him, ashamed to find tears pricking at my eyes. I fiddled with the sleeves of my shirt, making sure they were pulled firmly down. I'd been checking and double-checking them all day long, terrified they'd accidentally ride up and expose my horrible secret to everyone. 

"Yamato." 

I looked up at him then, still not saying anything. He noted the tears threatening me, and watched me play with my sleeves for a bit. "Does this have to do with—" he gestured at my wrists, not finishing his sentence. 

I nodded, biting down on my lip, blinking hard to keep the tears at bay. "It's..." I swallowed. "When I had the cast, and the bandages, I could just kind of ignore them, and what was underneath them, and what they'd turn into. But now they're gone, and I've got these—these stupid—they're gonna _scar_ and they'll be so _ugly_ and they'll be there forever and I hate them already!" I burst out angrily. I let out a brief sob and closed my eyes, trying to get a handle on my emotions. 

"Yamato..." Taichi said softly, sounding pained. 

"I'll never be able to wear short sleeves again," I said, once I'd gotten myself back under control somewhat. "Otherwise... people will see, and they'll know what I tried to do, and they'll know just how stupid I am because I couldn't even manage to do it _right_!" 

"You don't know that for sure," he told me, scooting over closer to me and giving me a hug. "Who knows, they could be a lot less visible once they scar. And there may be ways to hide them, or reduce them. Don't write it off as hopeless without even trying, okay?" 

I sniffled, pulling back away from him. "I've been so scared today," I admitted. 

"About what?" he asked. 

I shrugged a shoulder. "That my sleeves will come up, and people will see. I don't want the school to know. I don't want any of our friends to know. I don't want Kenji and Ratz to know. It's bad enough that Ny saw. Hell, it's bad enough the school knows what Ken did to me." 

"I don't think that'll happen," Taichi said, trying and failing to reassure me. "I doubt your sleeves will just slide up your arms out of nowhere." 

"Maybe not, but it's _not_ impossible, they could slide up accidentally if I raised my arms, and I don't want to take that chance..." 

He leaned back over, giving me a second hug. "I know it's hard, but try not to worry about it. I really think you'll be okay, Yamato, promise." 

I wrapped my arms around him in return, burying my head into his shoulder and gladly accepting the comfort he gave me. "I really hope so." 

* * *

"Excuse me? Ishida Yamato?" 

I turned around warily upon hearing an unfamiliar voice calling my name. I suppose it was kind of silly to be wary of strangers considering it was a friend who'd hurt me, but ever since Ken I found it hard to trust anyone other than my friends and family. And after the way some of my classmates had reacted after the news report, anyone could be a potential threat. 

Still, the guy looked harmless enough, and we were just outside the school with plenty of other people around, so he probably wasn't wanting to hurt me. I hoped. "Can I help you with something?" I asked as politely as I could manage. 

"Could you sign an autograph?" he asked, rushing up and thrusting one of the band's CDs in my face. 

I flinched on instinct, then blinked and grabbed it out of his hand. "Got a pen?" I asked him. 

"Sure," he said, producing a black marker seemingly out of nowhere and handing it over. "I saw your concert the other night," he went on excitedly. "It was absolutely amazing! All of you were great, I had a blast! I wasn't sure at first if you were even going to be there, what with the news and all, but you really pulled through. I'm so glad I was able to get the tickets on time," he gushed. 

"Thanks. I'm glad you liked it, and we really appreciate the support from you guys," I told him, handing his now signed CD back over. "I have to get going now, but I hope we'll see you at a future concert." 

"Of course!" 

I gave him an uncomfortable smile and wave, then turned back around and walked off. To be honest, I hadn't even been sure I wanted to still do the concert, but I knew it was important for both the band and the fans. It had been a limited ticket fanclub concert, and I couldn't have let everyone down. Thankfully it had actually gone well, and it being so limited probably helped a lot, as well as the tickets having all been sold out _before_ the news about me broke. Otherwise there probably would have been a lot of curiosity seekers there, wanting a glimpse of me after hearing the news. 

I mentally shrugged, dismissing it from my mind, and continued to head on home, reaching my building shortly. I really wished that Taichi hadn't had to run those errands for his mom. I wanted him to come home with me, as dad was at work and I hated to be alone in the apartment. But Taichi had already been coming home with me all week, and his mom really needed his help today, so I'd just have to cope. 

As soon as the elevator dinged for my floor, I began to dig in my bag for my keys, absently stepping out and walking down the hall in the meantime. I finally found them buried at the bottom and pulled them out, looking up as I did so. Immediately I stopped short, for sitting there in the hallway outside my door waiting for me was Ken. 

I stared in disbelief for a moment, then begin to back away, already feeling on the verge of a panic attack. Of course, the one time Taichi didn’t come home with me was the one time I really needed him. This was just too uncomfortably close to having so many of my nightmares come true. I swallowed hard against the sudden urge to throw up. I wanted to squeeze my eyes shut tight, so that when I opened them again Ken would be gone and I'd realise it was just some horrible waking dream, but I didn't dare take my eyes off of him. Instead, I continued to back away, wanting to get the hell away from there as fast as possible before Ken noticed me. 

Unfortunately, luck refused to be with me. I was barely halfway back down the hall when he looked up and spotted me, standing up and taking half a step towards me. "Yamato, wait. Please don't go. I'm not going to hurt you, I just want to talk to you for a moment. That's all, I swear. Please wait." 

As crazy as it sounded, he sounded so sincere that I actually stopped, entirely against my better judgement, though I definitely didn't go any closer again. I stayed tense, my hand gripping tight to my keys, my whole body tensed and ready to run or lash out at a moment's notice. I'd be damned if I would ever let him hurt me again. 

Ken visibly swallowed, apparently relieved that I hadn't run screaming for the police. "Can we go in your apartment?" he asked, motioning his head towards the door. 

I shook my head no at him, not speaking, silently wondering at how he could ask such a stupid question. There was no way I'd allow him back inside there again and give him a better chance to get to me, not after all the horrible things he'd done to me before. 

Ken just sighed, accepting my answer, and slowly slid back down to sit in front of my door. I merely stared at him, waiting for him to say whatever he'd come to say. I had nothing to say to him. I never wanted to see him again. After a few moments he managed to spit out a ragged sounding, "I'm sorry." 

I gave him an incredulous look. _That_ certainly hadn't been what I was expecting. 

Apparently he realised that wasn't enough to get me to speak, because after another few moments he continued on. "For what I did. To you." He paused, swallowed again. "I'm so sorry." 

Was he serious? "You think that's supposed to make it all _better_?" I spit out, suddenly furious. "Are you _insane_? You don't just get to do all that to me for months on end and then come round with a measly little "I'm sorry" and expect that to just magically fix everything! It doesn't make it better!" 

"Wait, no—" 

"I already forgave you once!" I half-shouted at him, going right over whatever he was trying to say. "I forgave you, and you screwed it up. You fucking _raped_ me, and I let you back in to my house, into my bed, into my _life_! And you repaid me by hurting me again, by abusing me for _months_. You don't get a third chance, do you hear? Just get the hell away from me, before I call the cops," I said. I was trying to sound menacing, but mostly I just sounded angry and scared. 

"Yamato, no, I didn't..." He stopped, took a quick breath, and tried again. "I didn't come here expecting you to forgive me. I just—I wanted to apologise. I know it doesn't make anything better, doesn't undo what I did..." 

"Why?" I asked, interrupting him. "Fuck, _why_ did you do it? We were friends. I thought we were close friends. I cared about you..." I trailed off, swallowing hard and willing myself to stay calm. I missed the good friend he’d once been, but I didn’t want to cry in front of Ken. Not anymore. 

"The darkness," he said very softly, so soft I almost missed it. 

"What?" 

"I never told you. In retrospect I probably should have," he said, and let out a little bitter laugh. I said nothing. "Those months ago, I'd been fighting the darkness again... it was so hard to control. It's not really an excuse, I know, but when you rejected me... I just lost control. I snapped. I don't even really remember what I did, except that when I came back to myself you were crying." 

He stopped for a moment, and I just stood there limply, blinking back the tears I didn't want him to see. I didn't really want to hear any of it, even though I'd asked him why. I thought I’d wanted to know, but I was realising now that I wasn’t ready for the why. Not when there would never be a good reason. 

"I'm sorry, Yamato. I'm so sorry. I tried to control it after that, but that night—I thought, you were asleep, you wouldn't wake up, you wouldn't find out, and I really liked you and if I could just touch you once, then maybe it would be okay." 

He stopped again, this time daring to look up at me. I expected to see him maybe holding back some tears of his own, but instead his eyes were dry. Dry and hollow and dead-looking. I could only continue to stand there, too horrified at what I was hearing to speak. I wanted to tell him to stop, to shut up, but despite not wanting to know, I kept listening. 

"But then you woke up, and I panicked, I knew I needed to, but I couldn't stop, you just looked so beautiful." Another pause, and he put a hand over his eyes. "I shouldn't have said those things. I know it wasn't really your fault, knew it then, but I hated that I was doing that to you and couldn't stop. And then you didn't fight me, so I thought maybe it was okay. After that, it just... it kept going, and it got out of hand. The darkness was there all the time, I couldn't fight it anymore. I was so ashamed. When you threatened to tell someone, I panicked. I didn't want anyone to know." 

That was it. I couldn’t stand to hear another word of it. He’d done all of that to me because he thought I looked beautiful and he didn’t want to stop? 

"Get out." I barely even whispered it. 

"What?" He put his hand back down by his side, and looked back up at me, confusion written all over his face. 

"Get _out_ , Ken. Get out of here. I don't know what you thought you were doing coming here, telling me all of this, making it all about you, but I don't want to hear any more of it. You've done more than enough already. Get out, and never come near me again, do you understand? If you're really sorry, you'll leave now." 

He looked at me for a heartbeat, and then nodded slowly. He got up and then headed down the hall away from me, towards the stairs. He opened the door to them and stepped through, disappearing without even looking back. I stared after where he'd left for a moment before I sank down to the floor right where I was standing and finally just cried. 

* * *

School the next day was a complete bust. I should have just stayed at home, for all that I could concentrate on lessons. I hadn't been able to stop thinking about Ken since he'd left yesterday afternoon. All the things he'd said to me kept running through my head. I'm sure Taichi noticed how distracted I was, but as he didn't say anything, I didn't either. He'd ask if it started bothering him enough, though I wasn't sure I'd answer truthfully. 

I just couldn't figure out Ken's motivation in breaking out and coming to see me just to say sorry. He'd certainly never seemed sorry any of the times that he was hurting me. Far from it, really. From the second time onward, all I'd ever heard was that it was my fault. For looking so beautiful, for making him want me... He never seemed to have a problem with any of the things he was doing to me, so why apologise now? 

I didn’t _want_ him to apologise to me. I didn't want to hear his sorries, or his excuses for why he'd done it. There was no good reason for it. We'd been friends, really good friends, and he threw it all away over a stupid crush that would have eventually faded had he just given it time. He should have just stayed in lock-up, because I never wanted anything to do with him ever again, no matter what he said to me about why. 

"Mr. Ishida, have you heard a word of what I've said today?" 

"Huh?" I look up, brought out of my musings by the sound of Motokuri Sensei's voice. He was looming over my desk, a pile of papers in hand and a disapproving look on his face. 

Sensei sighed. "As I thought, you haven't listened at all. Class is nearly over, Mr. Ishida. I'm collecting homework, if you'd care to hand any over." 

"Oh, uh, yes, of course." I blushed and started rooting around in my bag for last night's history assignment. "I'm sorry, Sensei." Having found it stuck between biology and literature, I handed it over with a shamed look on my face. "Here you go." 

"Thank you, and please do your best to deal with whatever is distracting you over the weekend. I expect you to pay full attention in my class Monday afternoon, understand?" 

"Yes, Sensei." 

Satisfied, he continued heading around the room to collect the rest of the homework, finishing just in time for the bell to ring. 

Taichi jumped up and headed over to my desk the second it did, giving me a bit of a look, but he still didn't say anything. I just shrugged at him and grabbed up my stuff, and we headed off to seventh period. 

* * *

"Are you going to tell me what's been bothering you yet?" 

"What? I'm fine." 

Taichi let out a little huff and pulled back from me, finally giving up on trying to get me to be as enthusiastic about kissing as he was. 

"Yamato, come on. You've been highly distracted all day. You didn't pay any attention in school. I'm surprised Motokuri Sensei was the first person to call you out on it. And even now you don't seem all that into what we're doing. You've barely kissed me back. I'd almost think you didn't like it if I didn't already know better." He sat back against the couch and crossed his arms across his chest, putting a deliberately pouty look on his face. 

"Sorry," I said, feeling guilty. I sat back too, leaning into his side a bit. He always made me feel safe. "It's not that I don't like it, I'm just not really in a mood to right now I guess." 

"What's going on? Are you still worried about Ken? He's been out for over a week now and hasn't tried to hurt you yet..." 

"I know," I said, because even though it wasn't exactly how Taichi meant it, it was still true. I'd seen him, but he hadn't tried to hurt me. I wasn't so sure anymore that he even still wanted to. It was a pointless excuse, but he _had_ said sorry, even if he'd still managed to make it sound as if it was all my fault for what he'd done to me. 

"Please talk to me?" he asked, reaching over and poking me in the arm. "I just wanna help you if I can." 

"I know," I said again, sighing. I scooted away and sat cross-legged sideways on the couch so I could watch his face for reactions. "I suppose I can tell you, if you promise you won't say anything to my dad. He'll overreact, and nothing really happened." 

"I promise," he said immediately, though he was frowning. 

"Okay." I took a deep breath, bracing myself for Taichi's overreaction. "Ken came to see me yesterday." 

But the threats and babying I was expecting didn't happen. Instead, he blinked. "What?" 

"He was here yesterday. I got off the elevator, and he was sitting in the hall floor, waiting for me." 

Taichi's face darkened. "Did he hurt you?" he asked, looking me up and down for any visible marks. "I swear, if he hurt you again..." 

Ah, there they were. I shook my head. "No. He didn't hurt me, didn't even get near me. Actually, it was weird. He kinda, well..." 

"What?" Taichi demanded, still scowling. "He kinda what?" 

"Well, he apologised." 

"Apologised?" Taichi's face was reflecting the confusion in my voice. I nodded at him. "He actually said he was sorry,” he stated incredulously. 

"Yeah. A few times. He tried explaining, gave some bullshit excuses about the darkness and how he never meant to and it was just so hard to..." I trailed off then, because Taichi was getting an increasingly guilty look on his face, one that meant he knew something and hadn't told me. "What do you know?" I asked him, suddenly feeling wary. Whatever he knew, I'm sure it wasn't good. 

"Um." He turned away from me, scratching his head rather nervously. 

"Taichi," I said, dread in my voice. 

He stood up, and started pacing a bit. "Look, Hikari swore me to secrecy. It's something she heard from Daisuke, and she wasn't even supposed to tell me. You can't let on that you know this, okay?" 

"I won't. Just tell me." 

"It's got to do with what you said, about Ken trying to use the darkness as an excuse. It _isn't_ an excuse for what he did to you, so please don't take it that way, but he wasn't just making it up out of nowhere. He apparently had a new brother..." 

I sat there and listened in horror as Taichi told me in between paces about Ken's brother Subaru, of what had happened to him, and of what it had done to Ken. I didn't know how to wrap my mind around that. As close as we were, Ken had never told me that his mom was pregnant again, or that he'd gotten a new brother. He'd talked to me about Osamu a few times, and I'd known how deeply affected he was by all of it. The thought of a new sibling must have put him into big turmoil, especially when it turned out to be a brother. Why hadn't he ever told me? I would have tried to help him. I could have kept him from the darkness. Then none of this would have ever happened... 

"Yamato? Are you okay?" 

I nodded, even though I wasn't feeling okay at all. "Yeah, sorry. Just surprised... He never told me any of that. It's still not an excuse for the ways he hurt me, though." 

"I know," he reassured, finally sitting back down next to me. He leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. "I know it wasn't. I wasn't trying to say it was. Trust me, I'll have a hard time not hurting him if I ever come across him. He had absolutely no right to do anything you didn't want." 

I smiled a bit at that. He made me feel so cared for, even though I would rather he didn't hurt Ken, just because I didn't want him to wind up in jail. I couldn't stand the thought of losing Taichi. Boyfriend or not, he was still my best friend above all else, and I wanted him to always be in my life. 

I leaned over and kissed him then, fully intending to make up for my inattentiveness earlier, but before I had a chance to really get into anything, he quickly pulled away from me. 

"Wha—" I started to say, right as he let out a loud sneeze. 

"Um. Bless you?" I offered. 

He grinned a bit sheepishly. "Sorry about that." 

However, it actually turned out to be a good thing, as just then I heard the sound of keys starting to undo the locks on the front door. Most likely it was just Dad coming home, but I still tensed up slightly, not relaxing until he walked in and I was reassured that I was still safe. 

"Hi boys," he greeted us, looking a bit tired. 

"Hi, Mr. Ishida." 

"Hi Dad. You're home earlier than usual. Is everything okay?" 

"Well, about that..." 

* * *

"Shikoku? Are you kidding me? Dad, no!" I wailed. "Can't you turn it down? Please don't go!" Okay, so I was being a bit of a baby. But ever since the truth about Ken finally came out, I couldn't bear to be left home alone. Even knowing that he was locked up didn't help; I had an irrational fear that he was going to show up and try hurting me again. His escaping only made it worse, and one little apology visit didn't fix that. 

"I'm sorry Yamato, but I really can't," Dad said, slightly exasperated. "I told you, the guy who was originally supposed to go had a family emergency come up, and I'm the only qualified one available to go in his place right now." 

"Then can't they just put it off until his emergency is over?" 

"It doesn't work that way, Yamato, you know that. It's an ongoing story, something happening right now. If no one covers it now, then it doesn't get covered." 

"Don't cover it then! It's just stupid news, no one ever cares about it anyways. Who even watches the news..." I muttered, thoroughly upset. I got up and left, stalking down the hall to my room where I flopped onto my bed, burying my face into my pillows. I'd left poor Taichi in there to continue sitting awkwardly with my dad, but I didn't care right then. 

I knew I'd have to get over my fear of being left alone eventually. I certainly couldn't spend the rest of my life living with my dad and inviting Taichi round whenever he wasn't there. But I figured it'd be a gradual process, not a whole week alone all at once. 

I considered going to stay with Takeru, but I knew Natsuko would drive me crazy before the first night was even up. And even though I was seventeen, there was no way Natsuko would let him come stay with me for a week without Dad here too. 

Staying at Taichi's that long was out of the question, I couldn't impose and there wasn't really any room for me. I probably could have stayed with Ny, if it weren't for the fact that we were still super awkwardly avoiding each other over that kiss. Ratz and Kenji were both out, Kenji never let us come over for some reason and with four other siblings, Ratz didn't have any room for me either. Maybe one of the other Chosen...? 

"Yamato?" 

"What?" I asked, voice muffled by the pillows. From the direction of his voice, Taichi was probably hovering in my doorway. 

"Well, I'm not really sure if this is what going on, but I've been noticing that you don't seem to let yourself be home alone anymore. So I thought, if you were scared to be by yourself for a week, I could ask my mom, and if she says okay and your dad says okay, I could just stay here with you. If you want?" 

I rolled over then, and looked at him. He was where I'd thought, standing in my open doorway, trailing fingers up and down the door frame, not looking at me. "I don't mean to be a baby about this," I said, my voice small. "But when I used to be left home alone, that's when he'd show up and hurt me, and now I just keep thinking it's going to happen again." 

"That doesn't make you a baby," Taichi said, coming over to me and sitting on the edge of the bed. Door frame no longer in reach, he started trailing his fingers down my back instead. "We both know I'm definitely no expert, but that actually sounds pretty normal to me. If you got hurt every time you were home alone, well... I wouldn't want to be alone anymore either." 

"I guess so. That feels really good." 

"Hmm, what does?" 

"Your fingers," I mumbled, relaxing more comfortably into the bed as he started massaging lightly. I'd been pretty tense and confused all day, and that was certainly helping to take the stress away. 

"Ah." He laughed knowingly. "So do you want me to ask?" 

"Please. And thank you." 

"Okay," he said, but he didn't make a move to get up. I didn't really mind, I was quite content to lay there and let him keep massaging me. We sat in happy silence for a bit. I was nearly asleep when he spoke up again. 

"Do you really think he might show up to hurt you again?" 

"What?" I ask, jerking fully awake. 

"Well, you said he came over and apologised to you. Do you think he'll come back to hurt you again?" 

"...I don't know. It doesn't seem to matter. I'm afraid no matter what. I was afraid even when he was locked up and I was safe. And yeah, he said he was sorry, but that doesn't mean he actually _means_ it. He could have done it to throw me off guard, make me think I could trust him again, and then when I think I'm okay he shows up and hurts me." I took in a breath, letting it out slowly, trying to keep calm. "You should have heard the things he was saying, going on about how he couldn't help himself because I was so pretty, and that he thought it was okay since I didn't stop him... He apologised, but he never once truly accepted the blame. So who knows what he might try to do. I just don't know, Taichi." 

"Hey, I know, Yamato. I wasn't saying that you can't be scared, or that it's safe to be alone. But you said he came to visit you and that he didn't hurt you, so I just thought there was a chance that maybe he really is done hurting you, that we wouldn't have to worry about him anymore." 

"I can't just turn it off, Taichi," I said. My voice was trembling. I rolled over on to my side, facing away from him, and curled up as much as possible. "He _broke_ me, Taichi, don't you realise?" 

"You're not broken." 

"Yes I am!" I shouted. I stopped, and choked back a sob. "I am," I said, quieter this time. "He broke my trust, not just in him, but in nearly everybody. Beyond Dad and Takeru, you, the other Chosen, and my bandmates, I don't trust hardly anyone now. Some guy wanted my autograph yesterday, and I had to look around and make sure there were too many people around for him to try and hurt me. I didn't used to be that way, Ken made that way. 

"He betrayed my friendship, stole my innocence, hurt me worse beyond anything I could ever imagine. He put me through my own personal hell, drove me to near suicide, made me despise my very existence. There wasn't a night where I didn't cry myself to sleep, wondering what I'd done to deserve it, wondering if it would ever stop. And when I threatened to tell, finally realising that he wasn't just going to stop, he threatened to kill me, kill my family, kill my friends. Anyone he could use against me, he did." 

"Yamato—" He sat up straighter, and tugged on my side until he had me laying on my back. I ignored him and kept on. 

"If the hospital hadn't discovered what was going on and told Dad, I probably never would have told. I just would have let it keep happening. Even after they knew I let it keep happening, because of how _terrified_ he made me feel about telling the truth. There are days where I wake up and I forget that it's over. I think that he's still out there, still going to hurt me, and that if I tell anyone he'll kill me or the people I care about. And even when I wake up more and start to remember, I have a hard time believing it. I have to go and ask my dad, you know, 'Is it over? Am I safe?' and only when he says yes can I start to believe him. 

"All of that has been my life for _months_ now. I don't even remember how to not worry and be scared anymore. I can't just magically turn it off and be fixed again, okay? You can't ask that of me." 

"I'm sorry," he said, and his voice was very quiet. "I didn't really mean—I guess I just never realised. Why didn't you tell me this before?" 

"What would have been the point?" I asked bitterly. "What's the point now, really? Even if that's how I feel, you're the one that's right. I need to just stop worrying and get over it. People have gotten hurt— _raped_ —way worse than I've ever had it. I'm nothing special and I need to stop acting like it." 

"Wha— _no_. Don't even say things like that," he told me sternly, purposely holding my gaze. It wasn't often I saw him looking so serious. "You said it yourself, Ken put you through hell, it's not something you just 'get over' so easily. And you can't compare yourself to other people either. Whether they've had it worse or not isn't important. All that matters is what you've been through. You didn't ask for any of it, and you have the right to be scared and worried because of it. Okay? And you _are_ special, Yamato. You always have been and that's got nothing to do with Ken or what he did to you." 

"Okay." I wasn't sure I believed him, though. 

* * *

"So what'd she say?" I asked. It was a short time later. I'd been waiting on Taichi to come back from calling his mom for permission to stay with me the week. 

"It took a bit of convincing, but she said yes," he told me, grinning. "Did your dad okay it?" 

"Yeah, I told him I'd feel better with you here and he said it'd be fine. I had to promise to go to school every day though. And he's leaving some extra money so we can feed your bottomless pit of a stomach." 

"Hey!" he protested, though it sounded half-hearted. "He doesn't have to leave the money though. Mom'll give me some if I need it, or we can always go over there to eat anytime we want." 

"Yeah, I suppose. I don't know if I trust your mom's cooking though." 

"Hey..." he weakly protested again. "It's not that bad when she's not experimenting." 

"And that's been going on for how long now?" I asked him sweetly. 

He sighed, accepting defeat. "Okay, okay, we'll take your dad's money. Just in case." 

I grinned, holding up a handful of bills. "Already ahead of you, Taichi." 

He mock glared at me. "When is he leaving, anyways?" 

"First thing tomorrow morning, he said. His plane leaves at eight." 

"So I guess I'm staying tonight then." 

"It'd be appreciated, yes." 

"I should probably head home now and pack up some stuff then, maybe eat dinner with my parents or something. I'll be back over in an hour or two, if that's alright?" 

"That's fine with me," I said, shrugging. "I should probably clean up my room a bit while you're gone anyways. You wanna share the bed with me or sleep on the floor?" 

"Bed's fine, if you're okay with that." He leaned over and gave me a quick kiss. "See you in a bit." 

"See you," I echoed, giving him a little wave. 

* * *

Having Taichi stay round with me was great. We spent the weekend treating it like old times, staying up late watching movies and playing games, messing around on the internet and feeding his endless stomach every two hours. For the first time since everything had happened, I was able to just not think about Ken and be more like my old self. Even the nightmares stayed away. I hadn't felt that great in a long time. 

Having to go back to school on Monday was a drag, but I had made a promise to Dad and I didn't really want to break it. At least I was starting to get back into the habit of going regularly again, though I still wasn't caught up on everything I'd missed. It also helped that Taichi had been right, and now that the novelty had worn off, most of the students were losing interest in gossipping about me and whether I was lying. At that point my biggest detractor was Kawada Sensei, but as he was a teacher I couldn't really do much about it other than just put up with it. 

Tuesday brought a little something different. Taichi and I had barely reached the boundary of the school grounds when an overly excited voice yelled "Yamato!" and then Takeru was behind me, flinging himself exuberantly onto me. I flinched out of habit, and hoped he hadn't noticed. 

"Hey Takeru," I said, ruffling his hair as he let go of me. 

"Hey!" he protested, squirming under my touch. "Don't! You'll mess up my hair!" He reached up and smoothed it out again. 

I couldn't help but laugh. He reminded me so much of myself sometimes, in certain ways. "Sorry," I said, as I started walking towards the school again. "What's up, kid?" 

He frowned, following along after me. "I'm not a kid." 

I simply shrugged. "You are to me. You'll always be my kid brother." 

He shrugged too, but it also got a smile out of him. He then went on to say, "Guess what? Daisuke and I are friends again!" 

I smiled, happy for him. "That's great!" 

"You were right," he told me. "He was pretty confused. He came over a few days ago to apologise for how he'd acted. He said he'd been doing a lot of thinking and that he wasn't sure if he liked me that way, but he still wanted to be friends. So now we're friends again." He stopped at the bottom of the steps, grinning up at me. 

"That's really great, Takeru. I'm glad for you." 

He opened his mouth, but whatever he started to say in response got drowned out by the first warning bell for homeroom. "Ah, I suppose we better go before we're late." 

"Yep. We oughta do something together soon. You should call me." 

"I will. I've got to go now, though. Bye, Yamato!" 

"Bye Takeru. Take care, okay?" 

"Okay!" He gave me a little wave, then dashed up the steps and into the building. I followed quickly after him, heading for homeroom. Taichi had gone ahead when Takeru had jumped on me, to give us a bit of privacy. He knew neither of us saw each other as much as we wanted. 

I made it to homeroom just as the second bell rang, Yamada Sensei glancing from the clock to me in a bit of warning. I gave him a look of apology as I headed to my seat while he started the roll call. Homeroom passed in the usual manner, and when the bell rang to signal the end I jumped up and grabbed my bag, making a beeline for the door. I'd been doing that for a couple weeks now, ever since Ny had kissed me. I was still trying to avoid him, and his second period class was right next door to my homeroom. Having to see him for band practice every day right before that fanclub concert had been awkward enough, and neither of us had really talked. 

"Yamato, wait!" Taichi called after me. He had to have been getting fed up with my hasty exits by now, especially since he didn't know my reasoning for them. "Slow down!" 

However, I just ignored him and continued on to my locker. When I reached it, I quickly started to put in the combination for the lock. In my haste, I went past the second number and had to start over. The second attempt didn't go any better. "Dammit," I muttered, starting to get flustered. 

Taichi finally caught up to me, getting his books out of his own locker next to mine. Annoyingly, he had no trouble doing the lock. "Seriously, Yamato, you've been doing this for weeks now. Why do you keep running out of here so fast?" 

"This stupid locker!" I growled, having done the wrong combination once again. 

"Yamato?" Taichi insisted. 

"I'm trying to avoid Ny," I mumbled, intent on cursing my locker until it gave way. 

"I thought you two were good with each other now," Taichi said, sounding confused. "Did you have a fight?" 

"Huh?" Finally, I got it right! My locker sprung open at last, and I quickly grabbed out the books I'd need for the morning's classes. 

"Did you have a fight with Ny?" Taichi repeated, only somewhat patiently. "Why are you trying to avoid him?" 

"A fight?" Belatedly, I realised just what I'd said to Taichi, and quickly tried to backpedal. "No, of course not. Who said anything about a fight?" 

"Then why are you avoiding him?" 

"I'm not." I shut my stupid locker, and tried to duck out of the conversation by heading off for my next class. It was Kawada's class anyway, the one class I did _not_ want to be late for. 

Taichi wasn't having it. He grabbed my arm. "Yamato, stop." 

I sighed. I supposed it was a conversation long overdue anyways. There likely wasn't any getting out of it. "Look, I promise I will tell you at lunch time about it, okay? But I'd really like to get to class now before I'm late, so can you please drop it for the moment?" 

Taichi frowned. "I'm holding you to that promise." 

"I know," I said. I shook my arm loose from his grasp and bolted to my next class, once again making it just in time for the bell to ring. 

"Ah yes, Mr. Ishida," Kawada Sensei said, glaring at me. "I was starting to think you were skipping school for your little boytoy again." 

"No Sensei," I said quietly, keeping my head down and going to my seat. I had a feeling this wasn't going to be a very good class period. 

* * *

Fourth period had barely ended when Taichi had a hold of my arm again, already dragging me off to the old gym to extract my explanation as I'd promised. "Ah! Taichi, come on!" I cried, struggling to get free. "Let me go! I can walk myself, I'm not going to run away or anything." 

He stopped short, letting go of me. "Sorry," he said sheepishly. 

"Geeze," I grumbled, rubbing my arm. We got to the old gym and headed inside to the usual spot. 

"Now," he said once we were settled and eating. "What's going on with you and Nyusumi? I thought you two had sorted out—you know—" he indicated my wrists "—and you were good now. You seemed okay with him at your concert." 

"Taichi, we barely spoke at our concert." 

He shrugged. "Still, you didn't seem like you were fighting." 

"We weren't. We're not, really. Not exactly." I sighed, my stomach tensing into a knot. I was afraid of how Taichi would react, and whether he'd believe me. "I didn't want to tell you this, because he definitely regretted it and I didn't want you mad at him. But I wasn't deliberately hiding it, or, well, I guess I was in a way, but not because of me—" 

"Yamato, what are you talking about? Tell me what? Why would I be mad at him? What would you need to hide?" 

I decided to say it straight out, keep things simple. Though I'd had good intentions, I probably _should_ have told him when it happened. I was realising now how bad it looked that I'd hidden it, and could only hope Taichi would believe I hadn't participated. "Well, he kissed me." 

Taichi blinked. "What?" 

"That day you brought him over and left us alone to talk. I swear, Taichi, I didn't know what he was going to do until he'd done it. And I didn't kiss him back either. It just kind of happened suddenly, and he really was sorry about it. Please don't be mad," I begged. 

But to my surprise, Taichi laughed. 

I stared at him, wondering what he could possibly find funny about the situation. "Taichi?" At least he seemed to be taking it well, maybe? 

"Sorry," he said, grinning. "It's just not something I would have expected out of Ny. Kenji, maybe..." 

"So you're okay with it then?" 

He lifted a shoulder for a moment and let it drop. "You said you didn't kiss him back, and that he was sorry. As long as you're not cheating on me and he's not trying to steal you away, even if I don’t exactly like that he did it, I can be okay with it." 

"No! Nothing like that!" I said fervently, hoping he sensed my sincerity. "I don't have any feelings like that for him. I never have, and I most likely never will. So even if he was trying to steal me away from you, which he's not, it'd do him no good. I wouldn't ever cheat on you, Taichi, I swear." 

He reached out, briefly clasping my hand. "I believe you. So, since you've been avoiding him, I guess you guys haven't really talked about it?" 

The knot in my stomach loosened, relief flowing through me at Taichi's easy acceptance. I ate a couple of carrot sticks, shaking my head. "Not really. He kept apologising, but I was too shocked to really say anything, and then you came back in, and he ran out of there for his date... It's just kind of awkward." 

Taichi smirked, finishing up the last of his own lunch. "I bet." 

I mock glared at him. "I'm glad you're finding my plight so funny. I don't really know what to do though. It's one thing to know he's got a crush on me, but for him to actually kiss me... it makes it seem more real." 

"You'll figure it out eventually. You're too good of friends to not to." 

"I suppose." I stood, beginning to make my way out from under the bleachers. "I'm gonna run to the bathroom real quick, okay?" 

Taichi waved, and I left, going back into the main part of school. I walked down the halls to the closest bathroom quickly, as there wasn't too much time left for the lunch period. As luck would have it, when I was just a few feet away, I literally bumped into one of the last people I wanted to see—Kawada Sensei. 

I quickly backed away, standing respectfully in front of him. "Sorry, Sensei," I said, trying my best to sound as contrite as possible. I was really getting tired of his behaviour towards me. 

"Mr. Ishida. Our school's resident fag. Why am I not surprised?" 

I flinched, deeply stung. As much as he'd hassled me since my return, he'd never been _that_ openly hateful before. "Sorry, Sensei," I repeated, not betraying my hurt. I really did not understand this guy's problem with me. 

"And just where is it you think you're going? You're supposed to be at lunch right now, are you not?" 

"Yes, Sensei. I'm just going to the bathroom." 

He leaned over, getting his face right into mine. I tried to discretely hold my breath, because his stank. "Sneaking off to mess around with some guy, is that it? You're not satisfied with destroying one boy's life, you have to use others as well?" 

I shook my head, really wanting to cry now but not daring to. Really, was the man even allowed to do this? I was pretty sure he wasn't, but what was the point in telling? Half the students believed I'd lied about Ken, what's to say the staff would be any better? The proof was standing right in front of me. "Just the bathroom," I said, my voice trembling slightly. 

He studied me for a few seconds, then straightened up, dismissing me with a wave. "Head along then." 

"Thank you, Sensei," I said, bowing briefly before practically bolting to the bathroom. Once inside I locked myself in a stall and tried not to cry. If I went back to Taichi with tears on my face, he'd know something was up, and I didn't really want him getting involved. Kawada was just a jerk, and I could handle him fine on my own. Besides, if I did anything official, it would just give the rest of the school more reason to dislike me. 

After a few minutes of sitting there and taking deep breaths, I felt collected enough to do my business and return back to Taichi. I even managed a smile for him. 

* * *

"Do those worksheets I gave you at the beginning of class for tonight's homework!" Tadaji Sensei shouted as the final bell rung and the students began racing out of class. 

I didn't move. I didn't _want_ to move. I just sat there in my seat, hating the day, hating myself, hating life. Hating everything. 

Class and that encounter hadn't been enough to satisfy Kawada's latest cruel streak. His classroom was right across the hall from Tadaji Sensei's, and apparently he had a free period during seventh. He'd stuck his head in the room near the end of the class, asking to borrow a student for a few minutes to help move some boxes. Of course, he'd picked me. 

He'd had me carry a very heavy box out of his classroom and all the way outside to his car, all the time belittling me and making snide remarks about my "relationship" with Ken. I'm pretty sure that Taichi noticed I was very upset when I returned to the classroom, because he kept giving me worried looks. 

"Yamato?" Having packed his stuff up, he was now standing over my desk. "Are you coming?" 

I shook my head. He'd just want to know what was wrong, and I really wasn't up for talking about it. "Go on home, I'll call you later." 

Taichi shifted from one foot to the other, still standing in front of me. "Um, I'm staying with you right now, remember?" 

Oh. Right. Dad was out of town. "Yeah. Sorry. Still, you should go. I'll be home in a bit, I just need to stay and ask Tadaji Sensei about a make-up assignment I was having trouble with." 

Taichi continued to shift nervously, looking as if he didn't quite believe me. "If you're sure," he said doubtfully. 

"I'm sure. Go on. I'll make it up to you later." 

Taichi grinned at that, though he still didn't look entirely sure. "You better." 

"I will, promise." I waved him away, watching him leave. Then I sighed, and looked over to where Tadaji Sensei was sitting at his desk. 

He looked up from grading a stack of papers, and raised his eyebrows at me slightly. "I do believe you've already turned in all your make-up assignments for me, Mr. Ishida." 

I blushed, looking down at my desk. "I just needed a good reason to get him to leave," I mumbled. 

"May I ask why you didn't go with him? You two are usually inseparable." 

I glanced back up. "Didn't feel up to it right now. He'd just pester me about things I don't want to talk about." 

He picked up his pen and then adjusted his glasses, giving me a serious look. "Maybe that's what he should be doing, if there's something wrong that's worth pestering you about." 

I shrugged, having no response to that. I decided to change the subject. "Is it alright if I stay here for awhile and work on other class assignments? I really don't feel like leaving at all right now." 

"Hmm." Tadaji Sensei studied me for a long moment, and then nodded, apparently satisfied with whatever he'd seen. "I think that would be fine." 

He returned to grading his papers, and the room grew silent, save for the occasional flipping of pages and a few pencil scratching noises coming from me as I got out my own books and started to work. 

After we'd both been working quietly for some time, Kawada Sensei stuck his head in the open door once more. I was almost convinced he was stalking me or something, but it quickly became obvious he hadn't realised I was still in the room. 

"Akemi, have you seen Toshio?" he asked. "He was supposed to stop by my classroom at the end of the day, but I've yet to see him." 

"Haven't seen him, sorry," Tadaji Sensei replied. 

"Okay, thanks," he said. 

Kawada Sensei was about to leave, and I silently thanked the gods he hadn't seen me when my luck ran out. His eyes swept around the room, landing upon me sitting in my desk, staring hatefully at him. 

Our eyes locked, and he smirked. 

"Well Mr. Ishida, what a surprise to find you still here. Isn't a bit late for you to try turning into a model student? I would have thought you'd left the second the bell rang. Can you not find another boytoy as good as your little Ken willing to risk you crying rape on?" 

I bit down on my lip, hating him with every fibre of my being, and not daring to say anything for fear I'd lose it. After a moment he gave me another smirk, and then left. 

I glared after him, tears gathering in my eyes. "Bastard," I whispered, my voice trembling. I tried to ignore the fact that I was shaking slightly with hurt and anger, and attempted to carry on working. I gave up the pretense when a few tear drops fell onto my paper, and put my pencil down. 

Then I just laid my head down right on top of my work and cried. I didn't even care that Tadaji Sensei could see and hear me, or what he might think of me. I just felt so hurt and helpless. I didn't know what I'd done to make Kawada Sensei hate me so much, but I wished he'd just leave me alone. 

After a moment of my sobbing, I heard the desk chair push back, and Tadaji Sensei's footsteps walking towards my desk. He stopped right in front of me. I could hear his clothes rustling, and assumed he'd crouched down. "Yamato," he said to me softly. 

I didn't respond other than a few more sobs. 

"Yamato, please look at me," and it was so soft and polite sounding that I wound up hesitantly lifting my head back up to do as he requested. I ineffectively wiped at my face, which I knew I had to be a gross mess of snot and tears. 

He was crouching down next to me, as I thought, and his face looked very solemn, more than I'd ever seen it before. 

"Yamato, has Kawada said things like that to you often?" he asked me seriously. 

I was quiet at first, still not sure anything could really be done about it, still half-convinced it was my cross to bear, then I brokenly whispered, "Yes." 

"He shouldn't." He paused, and I let out a sniffle. "I'm sorry." 

"Why?" I asked him. "It's not your fault." 

"No." He gave me a wry smile, and went back to his desk and his papers. 

I wiped at my face a bit more, let out another sniffle, and went back to my own work. 

* * *

"Yamato?" 

"Huh?" I glanced up and blinked, having gotten lost in my work. "Yes, Sensei?" 

"I'm going to be leaving shortly, so you're going to need to leave as well." 

"Oh. Okay." I gathered up my work and stuffed it all into my bag, not caring about organising it. I'd sort it out later. I stood up and started to leave. I stopped in the doorway, lingering for a moment. "Thanks for letting me stay." 

"You're welcome. You're a good student, Yamato, and a good kid, no matter what anyone else may think." 

I just nodded and left, not trusting myself to speak for fear I'd start crying again. I glared at Kawada's closed and darkened door as I passed. Reluctantly I headed home, walking as slow as possible. Once I finally got to my apartment, I stood in front of the door for a moment before sighing and sticking the key in the lock. 

I barely had a chance to turn the damn thing when suddenly Taichi was flinging the door open, already asking where I'd been. "School," I said quietly. 

"All this time?" he asked disbelievingly as I came in, shutting the door and setting my bag down by the couch. I nodded at him as I sank down onto the cushions, curling up into them. 

"Tadaji Sensei was nice, he let me stay and work on assignments for awhile," I explained. Then I thought back to what Kawada had said to me, and just how nice Tadaji had been, and my face crumpled a bit. The tears were back again. 

Taichi seemed a bit taken aback. "Wait, are you crying? What's wrong? What happened?" He came over and sat down next to me, wrapping his arms around me in a hug. "Talk to me, Yamato." 

"It's... it's not just students that give me a hard time about Ken," I confessed between a few sobs. 

"What do you mean?" 

"Kawada Sensei. He's been harassing me, calling me names and saying I just made up about Ken hurting me... He's even made some of the students in his class act meaner about it. One guy actually had the nerve to ask if I'd sleep with him, but before I could even say anything, he pretended to change his mind, saying he forgot I'd claim r-rape and get him thrown in jail." I started to cry a bit harder, thinking back on it. The guy had asked in front of the whole class, and Kawada had laughed and encouraged him. I'd been highly humiliated. 

I went on, explaining about how Kawada had been treating me in particular all day, telling Taichi the things he'd been saying to me. The truth continued to pour out of me in one fast rush, my words running together and becoming incomprehensible as I continued to cry hard, all that pent-up anger and frustration finally making its way out. 

Taichi didn't say a word throughout, just letting me speak and holding me tight in the meantime. When at last I shut up, he hugged me hard, whispering apologies and soothing nothings in my ear, making the occasional threat or two when his anger broke through that false calm. 

"We should tell your Dad, or the school," he said eventually when I'd begun to calm down, comforted by his attentions. 

"No!" I cried, nearly hysterical at the thought. "Don't tell my dad! He's been hurt and stressed enough already because of me. He doesn't need to know this. Please, Taichi, _please_ don't tell him." 

"What about the school then? He shouldn't be allowed to get away with this." 

I shook my head. "They probably won't believe me, or else they'll be on his side. Don't say anything. I can deal with it, Taichi, really." 

"Yamato, you were just crying into my arms because of him." 

I scowled. "Shut up. It's just been a bad day. I can handle it usually." 

"I don't like this." 

"They're only words." 

"If he starts getting worse, I'm telling _somebody_ , dammit." 

I sighed, knowing there’d be no deterring him from it. "Whatever you have to do." 

* * *

I woke up the next morning dreading school. I really did not want to go and have to deal with more of Kawada's shit. Despite what I'd told Taichi yesterday, his words hurt, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could put up with it. I considered just staying in bed and not getting up for school, but I'd promised Dad I'd go, and Taichi would probably tell him about Kawada if I skipped. So I dragged myself up and got ready, walking the usual route with Taichi. 

When the bell rang at the end of homeroom, I skipped out of there to avoid Ny, then stopped short of the door to Kawada's room, bracing myself for the man's normal vitriol. 

However, I stopped short upon actually walking into the room. Instead of Kawada standing at the front of the room where he liked to intimidate the entering students, a woman was sitting down at his desk. She was a younger woman, somewhere around twenty-five to thirty, and when I walked in she smiled at me. It was a welcome change from the glare I often got. 

"Hello," she greeted me. 

"Hi..." I said slowly, a bit confused. "Where's Kawada Sensei?" 

"He's going to be on temporary leave for the rest of the school year," she told me. "I'm going to be taking his place from now on." 

"Temporary leave?" I asked, relief flooding through me as I started to grin. 

She nodded, smiling at me again. "Yes, something came up, and he won't be available for the rest of the year." 

"Oh." I wasn't sure what was going on, but I sure as hell wasn't about to complain. This was probably the best thing that had happened to me all year. And even better, it meant Taichi didn't have a need to tell my Dad anymore. 

I continued to stand there for a few minutes, letting the relief wash over me, overjoyed I wouldn't have to deal with Kawada Sensei anymore. 

At last she spoke up. "Excuse me, but could you please take your seat?" 

"Huh? Oh, yes, of course. Sorry." I blushed slightly, and hurried to my seat. 

The bell rang a moment later, and she stood, rapping a ruler against the edge of the desk to get the class' attention. "Okay, everyone, settle down please." 

The class gradually quieted down and soon enough everyone had their eyes riveted on her. 

"Good morning, class," she said, giving yet another one of her smiles. "My name is Kurata Sensei, and I'll be taking Kawada Sensei's place for the rest of the year..." 

* * *

When third period rolled around I greeted Taichi with a huge smile, eager to tell him my wonderful news. But before I got a chance to really start talking, Mitsuo Sensei came in, hushing everyone and starting class. So instead I told him afterwards, on the way to Ishikawa Sensei's class. 

"So he's gone for good then?" Taichi asked, cautiously happy. 

"Yep! Well, as far as I'm concerned at least. I don't know if he'll be back next year, but I'll be out of here then, so I don't really care." 

"I wonder why?" 

"Why what?" 

"Why he left. If he really had some emergency or whatever come up, or if the school found out somehow what he was doing to you and made him leave." 

I shrugged. "I'm not sure." We reached the classroom, and went in and sat. "I have an idea, though," I said, digging out my homework. 

"What?" 

"Well, you know how I said he made some nasty remarks to me in Tadaji Sensei's room when I'd stayed after? Tadaji Sensei asked about it, and said he shouldn't be doing it. So I think it might have been him. I doubt it was any of my classmates, or else they would have said something before now." 

"Well, however it happened, I'm very glad it did. That man doesn't even deserve to be a teacher." 

The rest of our conversation was cut short then, as Ishikawa Sensei went to the front of the room, clapping his hands. "Listen up, everybody. We'll be having a big test today, covering all the material from the last two months. If you finish before class is over, start practising your calligraphy, as half of your work looks as if it was done by a bunch of elementary students." 

People started grumbling at that, though it was most likely true. I was starting to panic, as this was one of the classes where I'd yet to finish all my make-up work. 

"Oh, and Mr. Ishida," he added, looking at me. "You will be exempt from this exam right now. Please see me after class to discuss it." 

"Yes, Sensei," I said, calming down. Dodged that bullet. "Thank you." 

"But Sensei, that's not fair!" A female voice called out. 

"What's not fair?" Ishikawa Sensei asked, turning towards her. The rest of us looked over as well. I recognised her from the band's fanclub concert, though I couldn't remember her name. She'd been up near the front, yelling Ny's name throughout the whole thing. I'd wanted to throw my mic at her a few times just so she'd shut up. 

"That Ishida doesn't have to take this test. It's not fair!" she cried. "I skipped school a few times to sleep with my boyfriend, and I'm still taking the test. Ishida skipped school for a month to sleep with his boyfriend and yet he's exempt!" 

"Miss Satori," Ishikawa Sensei said with much forced patience, his voice dangerously low. "Mr. Ishida did not skip school to get it on with his boyfriend. Mr. Ishida was being _abused_. There's a big difference. When your boyfriend starts forcing you to do things you don't want to, and hurts you enough to _involuntarily_ keep you out school, you be sure to come tell me and I'll let you be exempt from tests. In the meantime, shut your fucking trap and take the damn test." 

Satori grew silent, and the class broke out in excited whispers, surprised at the way Ishikawa Sensei was defending me. It wasn't that he was a bad guy or anything, but usually he was a lot more mild-mannered. He normally would have said something like "Mr. Ishida isn't taking this test because he was sick, you weren't so you're taking this test and I don't want to hear anymore." And no matter what he said, he wouldn't have cursed like that. 

Ishikawa Sensei looked around the room, silencing the whispers. "Anyone else care to make a comment, give me a reason why you shouldn't take this test?" 

No answer. 

"Good." Ishikawa Sensei started passing out the test papers, and I pulled out my notebook and tried to concentrate on some of the back assignments I still needed to finish, grateful for the man's defense on my behalf. 

Between him and Tadaji Sensei, I was starting to realise I maybe wasn't quite alone at school as I'd first thought. 

* * *

At the end of the day I hung back after class once again, waiting until the room had emptied out. When it was just me and Tadaji Sensei, and Taichi waiting in the open doorway, I went to his desk and stood in front of it, waiting for him to acknowledge me. 

"Is there something you need, Mr. Ishida?" he asked mildly. 

"Yes. I kind of think, well, I'm pretty sure actually, that you had something to do with Kawada Sensei not being here for the rest of the year," I said, feeling quite awkward. 

He neither confirmed nor denied it, just looking up at me seriously. "Is that so? I trust the rest of your school year will be better then, hmm?" 

"Thank you," I said anyways, and turned to leave. 

He let me get back to the door before he spoke again. "Yamato." 

I looked back, and our eyes met. His face was as serious as it had been yesterday. "You didn't deserve that." 

I smiled at him, a bit tremulously, and then faced Taichi again. 

"Alright then?" Taichi asked me. 

I leaned over and kissed him briefly. Taichi turned red, glancing over my shoulder at Tadaji Sensei, who was still sitting at his desk watching us. 

"I'm fine," I said. "Let's go home." 

* * *

"Mmm..." I moaned as Taichi began to kiss me. "I wish today was Friday instead of Thursday." 

"Why's that?" he whispered, nuzzling my ear. 

"Because then we'd have all weekend free to make out before Dad comes back on Sunday." 

Taichi laughed gently, then returned to kissing me. I kissed him back eagerly, taking the invitation offered up to me when he parted his lips ever so slightly. As our lips and tongues continued their eternal dance, Taichi's hands began to roam lower down my body, then under and up my shirt. I doubted he was even aware of doing it, but nonetheless, I stiffened just the littlest bit. I could handle making out, since it wasn't exactly something Ken had ever done to me, but anything else scared me. Even though I knew it was Taichi, my body was still afraid of being hurt again when it got touched like that. 

Still, I didn't want to be afraid forever, and I did eventually want to go further with my boyfriend. Maybe if Taichi just stayed under my shirt, and nowhere else, I'd be fine. I forced my body to relax, and continued to kiss him with fierce abandon. 

Taichi seemed to have noticed my nervousness, because he pulled back for a moment to murmur, "You okay? Is this too much?" 

I shook my head, still not sure but really wanting it. "I'm fine." 

"Mmm." He kissed me again, and began to trail his fingers in soft circles around my right nipple, getting close but never actually touching it. He was teasing me, and it was working. I was getting hard. 

"Taichi, please," I groaned. 

Then before either of us even had time to react, there was a knock on the partially open door, and Dad was standing in the doorway, pushing it open the rest of the way. 

I quickly pulled away from Taichi. I didn't even know what he was doing home, he was definitely back early. Dad stared as us, and us back at him, no one moving or speaking. I thought about trying to explain it away, but as Taichi's hand was still under my shirt, it was pretty obvious what was going on. 

Then Dad exhaled somewhat heavily. "Okay..." He seemed to be a bit blown-away by what he'd discovered, and still needed to get his bearings. 

At that, Taichi turned red and slid his hand out, and pulled completely away from me. 

"Dad—" I started to say, but he shook his head at me, silencing me. 

"Taichi, I think maybe you should leave for right now," Dad said. 

Taichi nodded, "Right, of course, I'll be going right now, sorry..." and fled, not even bothering to grab any of his stuff. 

When he was gone, Dad came fully into the room, and sank down heavily onto my desk chair, not saying anything. 

"Dad—" I tried again, but he interrupted me. 

"So... you and Taichi?" 

I fidgeted anxiously. "Dad, I was going to tell you—" 

He held up a hand. "It's okay." 

"Are you sure?" I asked him. "Because you don't look like it's okay." 

"It's... a shock, yes. I wasn't expecting it. And I'll admit, I'm worried." 

I frowned. "Worried? About what?" I picked my pillow up and began to hug it, wanting to feel comforted. This conversation didn't seem to be going in a good direction. I wish Taichi had stayed. 

Dad sighed. "I don't want you to get hurt." 

"What? Dad, Taichi wouldn't hurt me." 

He looked at me, holding my gaze for a few moments. "It hasn't been all that long since you were—since the Ichijouji boy. You're still trying to recover from that, emotionally. I just don't want Taichi taking advantage of that, or you." 

I gaped at him. I was starting to get a bit angry. How could he even imply something like that, after Taichi had done so much to help me through things. 

"I'm not saying he'll hurt you on purpose," Dad continued. "I just don't know if it's a good idea to be dating so soon. Maybe you should wait a bit." 

"He's not taking advantage of me, Dad! And I'm not so emotionally unstable that I don't know how to say no if I don't want a relationship!" I shouted. 

"Oh, just like you knew how to say no last time?" 

I recoiled, beyond stunned. I never thought _Dad_ would blame me for what Ken did. 

He immediately looked horrified and contrite. "Shit, I didn't mean that, Yamato, I'm so sorry—" 

It was too late for that. "Shut up!" I yelled at him. I jumped off the bed. "Shut up!" I ran out of the room, beginning to cry. I continued running down the hall, Dad following behind me. 

"Yamato, please—" 

"I said _shut up_! I hate you!" I yanked open the door and went out, slamming it back behind me. 

Once I left the building completely, I just kept running. I didn't pay attention to where I was going, crying too hard to care. 

My run was cut short when I literally ran into someone. I fell back to the sidewalk, breath momentarily knocked out of me. I looked up, only to see Kento and his gang standing over me. Though Taichi had warned me they'd want revenge on us both, I hadn't seen any of them since the day they'd jumped us and I'd wound up in the hospital with a panic attack. 

Kento grinned. "Sento, grab his arms," he ordered. 

My eyes widened, and I jumped up, intending to get the hell out of there, but then Sento had a hold of me, my arms locked tight behind me. I tried to kick back behind me, struggling to get free, but Tetsuya kicked me instead, saying, "Stop that." 

"Please, let me go," I begged, terrified. They were seriously bad news. I'd gotten lucky before, but this time there was no Taichi to save me. "Please don't hurt me. What do you want with me, I didn't hurt you, please let me go!" 

Kento just laughed, and punched me hard in the stomach. 

I cried out, and closed my eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (2 september 2012 0217PM)


	5. Book One - chapter five - discoveries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I originally wrote/posted this fic way back in 2001, a lot of the chapters were broken up into "parts." It was very clunky and unnecessary, and when I took on the rewrite in 2011, I did away with that, with the exception of this chapter. The reason being, this chapter has an "interlude" in the middle, from Mr. Ishida's point of view, that would be otherwise very hard to incorporate into the rest of the fic's format. So I've left it split up, and I've marked where the interlude begins and ends so it hopefully won't be so confusing.
> 
> _no matter how much I cry out..._   
>  _no matter how much I ask..._   
>  _no matter how much I evade..._
> 
> _no matter how much I embrace you..._  
>  _no matter how much I wish..._  
>  _no matter how much I hurt..._  
>  \- **Gackt** , uncontrol.

I slammed the door to my apartment shut behind me, panting heavily. My lungs felt about fit to burst, but I didn't really care. I'd run the entire way home, trying to distract myself from thinking about what had just happened.

Dad looked up from the tv, which was currently airing the news. A reporter was droning something about "the fifth murder to take place in Tamachi since..." I didn't pay it any attention. I was too upset to care. 

"Alright there, sport?" Dad asked me, looking a bit concerned. 

I tried to shrug it off. I couldn't very well tell him what was wrong, since I wasn't out to either of my parents. "Bad day. I'm fine. Where are Mom and Hikari?" 

"They're in the kitchen, cooking dinner. You might wanna let them know you're home, we didn't expect you back until tomorrow." 

"Alright," I muttered. I didn't bother to offer an explanation for coming home a day early, even though I could tell Dad was curious. 

I headed into the kitchen, where I found Mom at the stove, predictably cooking up yet another strange concoction she would try to pass off as dinner. Hikari was standing nearby, and I could hear her trying to convince Mom not to use so much ginger as I walked in. I shook my head. As usual, she wasn't listening. Hikari should have known better. I went past them both, mumbling out a quick hi, just wanting to go to my bedroom to lie down. 

Mom looked up at my voice, and gave me a warm smile. "Welcome back, Taichi. You're home early. How did you enjoy your stay at Yamato's?" 

"Fine." I continued on, going into the bedroom and closing the door. I sprawled out on the bottom bunk of the bed, staring up at the wooden bottom of the top bunk. I supposed I'd have to go back later and get my stuff from Yamato's house, assuming Mr. Ishida would even let me. 

I wasn't even sure why I was so upset. Mr. Ishida had only asked me to leave. It wasn't like he'd lost his temper and started yelling, or accused us of being disgusting or something like that. Of course, he could have just been waiting for me to leave before he started in on that. Even though he didn't really strike me as the type of person to do so. 

I left my musings alone and looked over upon hearing a knock. I sighed. "Come in," I called. Hikari came in, sitting down on the edge of the bed. I wasn't surprised; she usually always came after me when she knew something was bothering me. 

"What's wrong?" she asked gently. "Like Mom said, you're home early. You and Yamato didn't have a fight, did you?" 

I shook my head. "No." I sighed, and went ahead and told her what had happened, knowing she wouldn't leave it alone otherwise. "I'm just kind of worried about how Mr. Ishida might take it. He didn't really show any reaction while I was there. He might hate me now, or forbid me from dating Yamato. I don't think he even knew Yamato was gay yet." A thought struck me. "What if he tells Mom and Dad?" 

"He probably wouldn't do that," she said, but she looked a little worried herself. "Maybe you should tell them soon yourself. Just in case," she added. 

"I'm not ready to tell them!" I said, feeling panicked at just the thought. "I had a hard enough time telling you, I can't tell them yet! What if they hate me? What if they disown me?" 

"They wouldn't do that. They love you. You're their son. I don't think your being gay will change that for them." 

"It might," I said despairingly. 

"It won't." 

"You don't know that, Hikari. You don't even know what it's like, having to worry about this kind of thing..." 

She was quiet for a moment. "I do," she whispered. 

"Wait—what?" 

"I know what it's like, Taichi." 

"You're gay?" I asked, confusion evident in my voice. 

She shook her head at me. "Bisexual. I... I actually have a crush on Miyako right now." 

"Oh." Then, "How come you never told me? You can't say you were afraid of how I'd react, knowing how I felt about Yamato." 

"No," she agreed. "It wasn't that. It was just... I was in denial, I guess. I knew it wasn't wrong, but I still didn't wanna be like that, someone who liked the same gender. It seemed like it'd cause so many problems. And I saw how you always worried over whether Yamato would be disgusted by you, and I didn't want to deal with the same thing. And then when I started to finally accept it, you started getting so busy taking care of Yamato that I didn't want to bother you with it. 

"So I just kept it secret. No one knew. Well, no one except Tailmon," she said, amending her statement, "and Tailmon was in the Digital World and I knew she would never tell anyone anyways and it was just easier to keep quiet, to pretend I liked guys in general and Takeru in specific although he and I both know we'll never be more than friends and so that's what I did. I maintained silence. I planned on telling you someday, after you came out to Mom and Dad, you know, and after things with Yamato settled down. It was just that I didn't feel ready yet." 

"I see." And I did. I could understand some of her feelings completely, because it was the same stuff I used to feel. 

"You're not mad I didn't tell you before, are you?" 

I looked over at her and smiled as best as I could manage, wanting to reassure her. "No, I'm not mad. I kept mine secret for awhile before I told you, too. I understand it." 

"Thanks. And it will be okay, Taichi, about Yamato. I don't think Mr. Ishida will hate you or do anything bad." 

"I really hope not." I sighed, and went back to staring at the top bunk. I knew she was just trying to make me feel better, but I was too worried and upset to be comforted right then. After letting her worriedly watch me for awhile, I finally spoke up again. "I'm sorry Hikari, but I'd like to be alone right now... I'm kind of tired, I think I'd just like to sleep." 

"Sure," she said softly. She got up and started to leave. She paused at the doorway, doorknob in hand, and looked back at me. "Things will work out fine, Taichi," she said. "I know they will." Then she left and closed the door behind her, leaving me and my thoughts in silence. 

I really wanted to believe her. Mr. Ishida had always been a great guy to me, ever since Yamato and I had started hanging out after that first summer in the Digital World. And as soon as I had found out what had happened to Yamato, I'd been over there as much as possible, supporting him through it all. I knew Mr. Ishida appreciated it, even if he'd never actually said so. 

He'd also never come across as homophobic to me; after all, we'd sat there in his living room discussing guys dating and sleeping with other guys and he hadn't flipped out then. He'd seemed very slightly uncomfortable, but I'd figured that was just because he didn't want to think in detail about teenagers his son's age doing that sort of thing. 

I really hoped he would be okay with us, and wouldn't forbid us to date or be friends anymore. I cared a lot for Yamato, and I really didn't want to lose him. I certainly wasn't going to just let him go without a fight either. 

Hopefully it wouldn't come to that. 

* * *

I blinked groggily, not quite awake. Apparently at some point during my fretting I had fallen asleep. I fumbled around in my pocket for my cell phone, yanking it out and squinting at the screen. It was a bit past midnight. I thought I'd heard the phone ring... 

I listened, waiting to hear it ring again, or at least the sound of one of my parents talking, but all I heard was silence. It was pretty late for anyone to be calling anyways. 

After a few moments of not hearing anything, I let out a mental shrug and closed my eyes again. It was probably an echoing remnant of a dream. Nothing to worry about. I went back to sleep. 

* * *

INTERLUDE

* * *

"Oh my God! Hoshiki, come here!" 

"What is it?" 

"There's a boy here!" 

"A boy?" 

"Yeah! He's all bloody and stuff! And he's not moving!" 

"He's not... dead, is he?" 

"I don't... think so. Just... just use your cell phone! Call an ambulance!" 

* * *

I stood there in the living room unmoving after Yamato slammed the front door, feeling entirely like an idiot. Why had I reacted so stupidly? I probably completely just screwed things up. Admittedly, it was a bit of a shock to find my son's best friend with his hand up my son's shirt while heatedly kissing him... 

It hadn't occurred to me that Yamato might still be gay. I'd wondered a couple of months ago, before I knew whether the sex he'd supposedly engaged in had been consensual, but after learning it hadn't, I hadn't given another thought to him possibly liking boys. And I'd never suspected anything between him and Taichi. 

Taichi was a good kid. It wasn't likely he'd hurt Yamato or force him into anything Yamato wasn't ready for. Of course, I once thought that about Ken too. Still, I shouldn't have said those things to Yamato like that. And implying that he'd purposely let Ken hurt him... I wanted to hit myself over the head for that. Even without all the research into sexual abuse I'd been doing on the web lately, I would never believe that Yamato was at fault for what had happened to him. 

Stupid. I was just so stupid. It's no wonder he said he hated me and ran off. I really hoped he was okay, wherever he was. Hopefully he went to Taichi's, or maybe his brother's, to cool off and maybe vent about how much he hated me. I deserved it for a remark like that. 

I sighed, scrubbing a hand down my face, and wearily headed back into the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. On top of fighting and worrying with Yamato, I was still a bit jet-lagged from the trip back from Shikoku. A cup of coffee would do me some good. 

Once I had it made the way I liked it, I carried it over to the table and pulled out a chair, sitting down. The living room would have been more comfortable, but I was feeling too exhausted to even walk that far. I took a sip, wincing at the heat. I toyed with the idea of calling the Yagami house to see if Yamato had indeed gone there. It would ease my worry, but I also didn't want to make him more angry at me. 

I took another sip, deciding against it. Yamato nearly always went to Taichi's or Takeru's when he was upset. I doubted this time would be any different. They'd calm him down and convince him to either come back home or at least call me to let me know he was alright. After all, Ken was still on the loose somewhere. 

I waited. 

* * *

An hour had passed. There was absolutely no word from Yamato. I tried not to worry, but it was hard. I tried to tell myself I'd been pretty cruel to him, so it was no surprise he wouldn't think about talking to me right now. But there was so much that could go wrong. He could run into Ken, or maybe that gang that had attacked him a few weeks ago. He could be having a panic attack, or passed out from hyperventilating. He could be having flashbacks and not be aware of his surroundings, getting lost. 

No. I didn't want to consider those possibilities just yet. It had only been an hour, and I had upset him quite a bit. It was more likely that he'd gone to Taichi's and Taichi was still trying to calm him down. Or maybe they were both just avoiding me for the time being, considering what I'd walked in on them doing. 

I just needed to give them more time, and a bit of space. Yamato would talk to me when he was ready. There was no point in pushing him, I knew just how stubborn he could get. I'd leave him be for awhile longer. 

* * *

Three cups of coffee later, I was wide awake and still worried. It was getting late, and it had gotten dark out. And yet still nothing whatsoever from my son. 

I wondered how long he'd been in that kind of relationship with Taichi. Hell, how long had he known that he was gay? Or was he even gay? Was Taichi the only boy he liked in that way? Did he like both boys and girls? He'd never given any indication to me whatsoever. That band of his always had so many fangirls, and other than that Jun girl he'd never seemed to mind any of them. 

Of course, looking back on it, I couldn't recall him ever having a girlfriend, or even dating. But I was always so busy working, I'd never given it much thought. I felt like a bad parent. When had work become more important to me than knowing what was going on in my son's life? I'd had very little clue that anything had been wrong until he'd tried killing himself. But he'd told me the abuse had been ongoing for three months by that time. _Three months._ Those websites I'd found said there would be signs. How had I missed them so completely? 

He'd looked a little more tired those few weeks before his suicide attempt. He'd said it was just stress from school and the band trying to prepare for a fanclub concert. I'd believed him, hadn't even tried to question him beyond that. If I had just paid attention, asked the right questions, would I have gotten the truth before he'd nearly died? Would I have spared him an additional three weeks of abuse, of having his wrist broken and his shoulder stabbed? 

I knew better than to think like that, though. Signs were easy to miss, easy to attribute to other things, and Yamato had always been exceptionally good at hiding his feelings, or anything that was going wrong in his life. Even if I had asked him, it was unlikely he would have told me anything. Even after I'd learned for sure, he'd refused to tell me. To this day I still had no idea why he'd changed his mind. 

I should have been more involved in his life. I wondered if it was too late to start. 

* * *

It was past midnight. Even though it was late, I couldn't leave it alone any longer. I stood up from my place in the chair and gave a quick stretch, my whole body feeling stiff from sitting for so long. I left the long cold fourth cup of coffee on the table, and headed a bit down the hall to my bedroom. After digging my cell phone out of my jacket, I scrolled through my contacts until I found the Yagami home number and called it. 

After a few rings a female voice, most likely Mrs. Yagami, answered. "Hello?" 

"Yes, hello. This is Ishida Hiroaki, Yamato's father. I'm sorry for calling so late, but I was just wondering if perhaps my son is over there right now?" 

"Oh, hi Hiroaki! No, I'm sorry, Yamato's not here. He hasn't been here for more than a month now. Is everything alright?" 

"I see," I said, my heart sinking. "I'm sure he's fine though, it's nothing to worry about. He probably just went to his brother's then and forgot to call and let me know. I'm very sorry to disturb you so late." 

"It's no problem at all. I know how teenage boys can be," she reassured me. 

"Yes, they can be a handful," I replied absently. We quickly said our goodbyes, and she hung up. I stared blankly at my wall for a moment, then slowly lowered the phone from my ear. I would have to try calling Natsuko. I was extremely worried though, because as much as Yamato loved his brother, he disliked his mother enough that he avoided going over there as much as possible when she was around. And given the late hour, she would definitely be home by now. 

Still, there was a chance, and I couldn't just leave it alone. I called her number and waited for her to pick up. 

"Hello?" 

"Natsuko, it's Hiroaki..." I said quietly. Even though we hadn't been married for many years now, there would still always be a part of me that loved her, and wished that things could have been different between us. 

"Hiroaki? What's wrong, why are you calling so late?" She paused for a moment. "Is Yamato okay?" 

My heart skipped. If she was asking, then he wasn't there. "Actually, I was wondering if Yamato was there, but I guess he's not," I said, trying to sound calm and unconcerned. I didn't want to worry her until I knew for sure what was going on. 

"No, he's not. I haven't seen him in a long time, he doesn't exactly like being around me, you know that." 

"I know. I'm sorry I called so late. He's probably at Taichi's and just forgot to call me." 

"Probably," she echoed, though she didn't sound like she bought it as easily as Mrs. Yagami had. 

"I should probably go and call the Yagami house, see if he's there or not." Even though I really had no clue what to do next. 

"Yes, I think that'd be good," she said. She hesitated, and I waited before hanging up, sensing she had something she wanted to ask. "Hiroaki... how has he been doing lately?" 

Ah. I should have realised. Since Yamato refused to talk to her unless forced, I was the one that kept her updated on his life. She'd been devastated to learn that Ken had hurt our son so terribly, and tried to check in on how he was dealing every couple weeks. But since I'd been out of town, and Yamato had actually seemed a little better around his band's concert time, I hadn't called her since learning Ken had escaped. 

"He's seemed like he's doing a bit better lately," I told her truthfully. Though I wondered how much of that was probably Taichi's influence. "He's been going to school regularly, and I don't think he's had any more panic attacks, or none he's told me about." 

"Is he still having nightmares?" 

I sighed. "Unfortunately yes. Just about every night still. But he refuses to do anything about it, no matter how much I beg or demand." It was something that worried me greatly, and the biggest clue that let me know he wasn't anywhere near being over what had been done to him, no matter how much he tried to pretend otherwise. 

"He needs to go to therapy," she said, sharp frustration lacing her voice. "He won't move past this otherwise." 

"I know that," I said, my own voice sharpening a bit in return. My hand gripped my phone just a bit tighter. "But even if I forced him into going, I can't force him into talking, and eventually even the therapist would tell him to not bother coming. He's just not ready to talk yet, Natsuko." 

She was quiet at that, knowing that I was right but hating it just the same. I couldn't blame her. If I'd thought it would do any good, I would have forced Yamato to go weeks ago. "Will you please call me if you find him, let me know he's okay?" she finally asked. 

"Of course," I agreed. "I'm sorry but I need to go now, to call his friends. Goodbye, Natsuko." 

"Goodbye, Hiroaki." 

I dropped my phone onto the bed, not sure what to do. Yamato wasn't at either of the places he was most likely to go, and I didn't know his other friends well enough to say if he'd go there or not. I wasn't even entirely sure who all his other friends were, or how many of the kids from the Digital World adventure he still hung out with. And even if I did, I didn't have their numbers. 

There was also his band, but to my shame I didn't really know them very well either. I knew the names, but I couldn't tell you who was who. They held most of their practises at school or the Ny kid's house, and I always seemed to be busy with work when they had concerts. I realised I had no clue if Yamato would actually turn to them in a time of crisis or not. 

After another moment's very worried thought, I reached out and picked my phone back up. Then, not seeing any better option, I dialled the police. 

* * *

I stared down at the pale, lifeless form of my son lying in the hospital bed, swallowing heavily. Sleeping with the help of the good hospital drugs, he looked almost normal all that way, hidden under the blankets. Whoever it was had left his face untouched. 

I didn't know much, other than he'd been badly beaten, and that two girls had found him on their way home from a friend's and called an ambulance. Somehow he'd been lucky, though I doubted he'd see it that way. He'd managed to get away with no broken bones or internal injuries. 

And yet, lying in there in that bed, hooked up to who knew how many machines, an IV dripping into him, he looked so frail, so little, so delicate, but in no way innocent. Even in sleep his face reflected such pain I almost felt as if I, too, could feel his pain. 

It occurred to me the only time I had seen him remotely happy in these past few months was when he was with Taichi. And I, stupid fool that I was, had tried to ruin that for him. 

I looked up at a knock on the door. Akira was standing in the doorway, looking pained. I waved him inside wearily. 

"I just heard what happened from the nurses. I just got here for my shift. Hiroaki, I'm so sorry," he said. 

I bit down on my lip, gently reaching out a hand to brush some hair out of Yamato's face. "It's my fault," I whispered. 

"What? How is this your fault?" he asked, confused. He stepped further into the room, shutting the door behind him to give us some privacy. He came over and sat down in the other chair that was over by the window. "From what I heard, someone beat him pretty bad. Was it you?" 

I lowered my hand down back beside my leg and shook my head, trying to speak around the lump that had suddenly formed in my throat. "No, of course not, but... we'd gotten in a fight earlier. I was scared for him, said something I didn't mean... he got very upset, told me he hated me. He ran out." I made a trembling fist, wishing I could hit myself for being so stupid. 

"That still doesn't make it _your_ fault," Akira told me gently. "You weren't the one that beat him, and knowing you I'm sure you tried to keep him from leaving." 

I looked up at him, tired defeat written all across my face. "It never ends, does it?" I asked. "No matter how much I wish it otherwise, it never ends. I tried, Akira, I tried so hard to protect Yamato. I tried to be there for him, to keep him from getting hurt anymore. But everything I attempt to do just seems to make things worse. 

"I'm starting to think Yamato will never be able to get back to a normal life. He'll never escape all the pain and betrayal he has to put up with, never be rid of all the torment he suffers. Why? Why does he have to suffer? He never did anything wrong! He's always tried to do things right, no matter what. I've never had any trouble in raising him, except maybe that one time where he decided to paint his room with ketchup during that little fetish of his, but that was only one time and he made up for that! Why is he being punished so cruelly? What did he do to deserve any of this? Tell me, Akira, because I can't understand it." 

"He _didn't_ do anything to deserve it," Akira said, watching us both sadly. "No one ever deserves anything like that. It isn't a punishment for anything. Sometimes things just happen." 

"But I should have seen!" I half-shouted, still mindful of my sleeping son, though he was probably too drugged for anything around him to wake him. "I should have seen," I repeated raggedly, running a hand across my face. My eyes were starting to get a bit wet, but I blinked back the tears, feeling that I didn't deserve to cry. 

"Should have seen what?" 

"It had been going on for months by the time you found that evidence of abuse," I said lowly. It was hard to not hate myself for missing something that seemed like it should have been so obvious. "I should have seen something, _anything_ , to indicate that something was wrong. But I was so selfishly absorbed in my own work that I completely missed it. If it hadn't been for you, I probably would have still been oblivious to just what was happening." 

"You can't blame yourself for that, Hiroaki. I know what Yamato is like just as well as you do. I'm sure he hid it extremely well, and that there were probably very few signs to even see. Hell, it was sheer luck that nurse even spotted the semen around his mouth; it was such a trace amount and we were all rather focused on his arms instead." 

"I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore," I confessed. 

"The same thing you've been doing. Love him, support him, listen to him. Encourage him to talk to someone. Give him time. He'll get back to a normal life eventually. He's strong. He'll make it through this. He just needs time." 

* * *

"The police will be stopping by in a bit, to take your statement." 

"What?" Yamato blinked at me, seeming confused. He'd been awake for almost an hour, but he'd yet to really speak other than to ask how he'd wound up in the hospital. I wanted badly to ask who had hurt him, but I didn't know if he was even willing to talk to me, considering how our last conversation had went. 

Akira had come in to look him over once he'd awoke, and said other than being sore for awhile and to take it easy, he'd be fine. Since then, he'd been sitting up in the bed, spending most of the time staring out the window and glancing back at me every so often. 

"The police want to take your statement about who might have hurt you," I clarified. 

"How would they even know I was hurt?" he asked, crossing his arms and giving me a glare. 

I sighed. I knew he didn't like having the police involved, but I'd really had little choice. "You never came home, and you weren't at your brother's or Taichi's. I didn't know how to find you, and Ken was still out there somewhere. I was worried. I called them." 

He just shrugged at that, and went back to staring at the window. 

I sighed again, but before I could try to say anything else, there was a knock at the door. "Come in," I called, knowing it was most likely the police. 

It was. I watched silently as they spoke to Yamato, trying to get him to talk. They'd already gotten my statement earlier, and he agreed with my version of events willingly enough, about our fight and him running out, but once they tried to ask him about what happened after he'd left, he clammed up. 

"I'm sorry, I don't remember," he said, shaking his head. "I just remember running down the street, and nothing else until I was waking up here." 

I rather doubted that. I'd seen it in his eyes when he'd first woken up; he remembered exactly what had happened to him. It was upsetting that he was refusing to talk about it. It was just like it had been with Ken. I had thought that once he'd opened up about Ken, he'd gotten past the whole fear of not talking about who was hurting him, but apparently not. 

And I also had to wonder just why he was keeping it quiet. If he'd been beaten by some strangers, he wouldn't really have any reason to keep quiet, would he? So I had to wonder if he knew who'd hurt him. I really hoped he hadn't run into Ken out there, though I would have thought Ken would have done worse if it had really been him. 

The police were finishing up, cutting into my thoughts. "Thank you for your time." 

"Sorry I couldn't be of more help," Yamato said, watching them as they left. 

I didn't say anything right away once they were gone. I probably wouldn't get anywhere right now if I pushed him into talking about it, and to be honest, I was mostly just happy that he was alive and safe. I could let it go for the time being. 

There was still one other matter to address, however... 

"Yamato?" 

"Mmm?" 

"It's about... well, I wanted to say, about Taichi that is..." I stopped, knowing I was messing things up with my constant fumbling of words. I didn't know why it was so hard to just apologise to my son. 

"What? More baseless accusations about how he's just really taking advantage of me?" he asked me coldly, looking over to glare at me. 

I winced, knowing it was no less than I deserved. I stood up, suddenly feeling as if I couldn't sit another second in that chair. I started to pace around the room. "No," I said. "I never meant that. I'm really sorry, Yamato. For how I reacted, and the things I said. Especially... I don't blame you for what Ken did to you, Yamato. I never have, and I never will. I was just scared." 

"I never... Dad, I didn't. I never wanted any of that. I _did_ tell him no, multiple times, but he just—" He stopped, struggling against the urge to start sobbing. I could see it in his face, even though he was trying desperately to hide it. 

I went over and sat down next to him, pulling him to me in a tight hug. He was stiff at first, resisting me, but after a moment he relaxed into my arms, burying his face into my chest as he started to cry. "I know," I said gently, running my fingers through his hair. It was something I'd done for him when he was younger, on those rare occasions when he came to me crying and upset. It always used to soothe him, so I was hoping the effect still worked. 

"I know," I said again. "I know you didn't want it. I'm so sorry I even implied otherwise. I was being stupid, I got scared... I don't want to see you in any more pain, I can't stand to see you hurting. You're my son, I love you so much, and I just want to protect you." 

"Taichi's not hurting me," he said, his voice muffled. 

"I realise that. I know he's been good to you, good _for_ you. He's helped you a lot through all of this, and I'm extremely grateful to him." 

"Then why—" he started to say, but I shushed him. I wasn't finished. 

"But you also have to realise that you _have_ been through a great deal, through a lot of things you're still not recovered from. And relationships can be a lot of hard work sometimes and require a lot of time and energy, especially the important ones. I just want you to be sure that you're really ready for one, and that you're not just jumping in to it to prove to yourself that you can, or because you're afraid Taichi won't wait for you." 

He lifted his head at that, looking up at me with red-rimmed eyes. "I'm not, Dad. I wouldn't. Actually, he was the one that asked me, and I told him I wasn't sure I was ready, and I took a few days to be sure before I said yes. I haven't regretted it yet," he said, a determined look flashing in his eyes. 

I knew he meant it as a tiny bit of a challenge, just daring me to tell him he wasn't allowed to date Taichi, but I had no intention of doing that. "If you're sure you can handle it, then you have my blessing," I told him, hugging him tighter for a moment. "As long as you two are happy with each other, that's all I wish." 

"We are," he said quietly, finally pulling away from me and laying back down. "Thanks, Dad." 

* * *

INTERLUDE END

* * *

I went to school the next morning with an anxious feeling lurking in my chest. I couldn't wait to see Yamato and ask him how the talk with his father had went after I'd left. I'd sort of hoped he would have called me last night, but if he had, no one had bothered to wake me and let me know. 

But when I reached homeroom, Yamato wasn't there. I frowned as I slid into my seat, wondering if he was going to be a bit late. Before all this had happened, he'd always been pretty punctual, but now it was lucky if he even showed up for school. I pulled out some of my homework I hadn't managed to do yesterday, and started to work on it, waiting for Yamato show up. Ten minutes later, the bell rang signalling the start of the day, and his seat remained empty. 

I sighed, putting away my finished worksheet and getting out another one. Really, there was probably no reason to worry about it. Yamato had a tendency lately to skip out on school when things got too tough on him, and having his father walk in on him making out with his best friend could definitely be stressful. I only hoped it didn't mean that Mr. Ishida had taken it badly... 

Telling myself not to worry was easier said than done, though. I couldn't help but worry about it. I kept zoning out in classes, and more than one teacher had to yell at me to pay attention. By the time sixth period rolled around, I was thoroughly fed up with the day and more than ready to go home. 

I settled into my assigned seat, daydreaming about calling up Yamato and yelling at him for making me worry like this. Even though I wouldn't ever do such a thing to him. 

"Asashi?" 

Really, I just hoped Yamato was okay... 

"Asashi?" Sensei looked up from his desk and glanced around the room, probably hoping to see the green and black hair that indicated Ny these days. "Is Asashi not here?" he asked the room at large. 

"No sir," I called out. "He wasn't in third either." 

Sensei nodded at me and went back to finishing up roll call. 

"..and Yagami," he said, finishing up. "Alright, yesterday we talked about the invasion of China by Japan in 1931. They invaded the province of Manchuria, as you'll remember, and set up a certain type of government. Does anyone remember what this government was called?" 

"A puppet government!" someone called out. 

"Very good," Motokuri Sensei said, nodding. "And what does that mean?" 

"It's a government controlled by an outside power." 

"Right. So in other words, we had a government in China. This invasion of Manchuria violated the Kellogg-Briand peace pact, which we learned about earlier. This upset the League of Nations, but as they had no army they could do very little harm..." 

As Motokuri Sensei droned on about the beginning of World War II in Asia, my mind slowly began drifting elsewhere. It's not that I necessarily found this class boring; in fact, I liked history. But just like every other class, I couldn't keep my mind from wandering to worrying. 

I was really starting to consider just going over to Yamato's after school to find out what was up. Though just showing up when I didn't have a clue about how Mr. Ishida felt about us made me really apprehensive about the idea. But it didn't really bode well that Yamato had missed school today, because he _had_ been doing better about going every day, and now– 

"Well, Mr. Yagami?" 

"Um. Sir?" I asked, looking up, abandoning all thoughts of Yamato quickly. Sensei sighed. 

"Mr. Yagami, try to pay attention, please. I'd prefer to see you graduate with all your friends than see you back in here next year." 

"S-sorry," I apologised, a faint blush staining my cheeks. "What was the question?" 

"I asked you to tell me about Mussolini." 

"Oh... um..." I thought for a second, remembering the homework assignment on this that I'd just read at lunch. "Well, the failure to stop Japan from invading China encouraged him to plan aggressive actions of his own." 

"Very good, Mr. Yagami. What else can you tell me?" 

Sensei looked impressed, and I looked back up at him nervously. I knew this stuff, I just didn't like showing the teachers I was smarter than I pretended to be. By fooling teachers into thinking you're a lazy, setback, popular kid, they were more inclined to go easy on you, and you could get away with a lot more stuff. 

"Well... um... he came to power in 1922, and had always dreamed of building an Italian colonial empire in Africa. Unfortunately, most of Africa belonged to the British and French territories." I stopped talking there and looked up at him, hoping he would find that enough. He did. 

"That was pretty impressive, Mr. Yagami. I'm surprised you knew that much. Now," he said, facing the class again, "who can tell me what country was one of Africa's four remaining independent nations." 

Silence. I knew, but I didn't feel like showing myself to be even smarter, so I kept my mouth shut. 

"Nobody? I'll give you a hint. This country resisted an earlier Italian attempt at invasion in the 1890's." 

"Ethiopia!" 

"Right. Now, Mussolini knew this and had sworn to avenge that defeat. So in October 1935..." 

I tried hard to pay attention the rest of the class period, but I found it very hard. I just couldn't concentrate. I wished the day would just hurry up and end. 

* * *

The second the bell rang signalling the end of the day, I tore out of Tadaji Sensei's classroom and raced out of the building. I slowed down a bit once I hit the sidewalk, trying to figure out what to do next. I wanted to just go right over to Yamato's, but if Mr. Ishida _had_ taken it badly, I didn't want to make things worse on either of us by showing up unannounced. I was also hesitant to call their house line, on the chance that Mr. Ishida would be the one to answer. I'd tried Yamato's cell at lunch, but he hadn't answered. 

I started to head home, absently taking the familiar path, still thinking about what to do. When I was about halfway from the apartment, it occurred to me what I should do. Maybe _I_ couldn't call, but there was no reason I couldn't ask someone else to. They didn't have to know the full reason, they could just check and make sure that Yamato was still alright. 

Though who to call... I kicked at a stray rock, considering my options. The first thought was Takeru, but I didn't want to make him worry unnecessarily about his brother. And Yamato would definitely realise I was checking up on him that way. There were the other Chosen, but though we still all ate together at lunch most days, Yamato hadn't seen much of them otherwise lately. It took enough out of him just dealing with everything going on in his own life to be able to keep up with a bunch of his other friendships, though thankfully they understood. 

I could probably have one of his band call without any problems, though... Ny would probably be the most logical choice, since he liked Yamato and could call to check on him without Yamato thinking I had a part in it. It's not like Yamato would know he hadn't been at school today. 

Besides, Ny's number was the only one of the band's I had, which made it a pretty easy decision. 

I reached my building and quickly went in, riding the elevator impatiently to my floor. Once I was in the apartment I quickly dropped my bookbag off in my room and headed back in the living room to grab the cordless off the charger. I punched in Ny's number and waited for someone to pick up. 

"Asashi residence." 

"Hi... is this Emiko?" I asked as I flopped down into the couch, a little uncertain. She sounded so abrupt and awkward. 

"Who is this?" she countered. 

"This is Taichi... I'm Ny's friend. Do you remember seeing me at your house the other day? I'm the one that had the poofy brown hair. Is he there?" 

"No." 

"Okay..." She certainly wasn't very forthcoming with information. "Will he back soon? I really need to speak with him." 

"He's in the hospital. Goodbye." 

I blinked in surprise. "Wait!" I yelled, hoping to catch her before she hung up. 

She didn't say anything, but I wasn't getting a dial tone either, so I guessed she'd stayed on the line. "What's he in the hospital for?" 

"Appendicitis." 

"Appendicitis!" I repeated, caught off guard. Just hearing that he was in the hospital was enough of a shock, but I wouldn't have guessed appendicitis. "Is he okay? Is he getting his appendix removed? Is he going to be there long?" I felt bad for throwing all those questions at her, but I couldn't really help it. 

"I don't know. I have to go down there now." 

"Great! I can go with you then!" I said, basically inviting myself along. 

There was silence on the line for a long moment, and I winced, realising just how rude that must have sounded. Just as I was about to apologise, however, she gave me the address to their house. 

"Thank you," I said gratefully. "I live nearby, so I'll hurry." 

"Goodbye," she said, and promptly hung up. 

I pulled the phone away from my ear and stared at it for a few seconds before replacing it on the charger. Ny's twin sister was one really strange girl. 

* * *

The ride to the hospital was an extremely awkward one. I attempted to make small talk, but she either shrugged or gave monosyllabic responses, choosing instead to stare out the subway windows. After awhile I gave up, and the rest of the trip was spent in silence. 

Once we got to the hospital, Emiko headed straight in and boarded the elevators, holding them open for me as I hurried to catch up. She pressed the button for the fourth floor, and the elevator gave a lurch as it started its journey up. 

We'd just passed the third floor when she spoke up. "Ny doesn't like hospitals," she said. 

I blinked at her, surprised she was offering something on her own, and also wondering why she was telling me that particular tidbit. Come to think of it, I remembered Kenji telling me the same thing once. "Why not?" I asked her. 

"He thought he killed a boy once." 

_What?_ What the hell did that mean? "Sorry?" I said. 

"He was five. He went into a boy's room. He reached out to touch a machine, and the boy died." 

"So he messed up the machine and killed the boy?" I asked her, thoroughly confused. 

She shook her head. "Not his fault." 

"It's not?" 

"Coincidence." 

The elevator dinged, reaching its destination, and the doors slid open. We stepped out and started down the hall. "So your brother just happened to touch the machine right as the boy died? And he thinks that he caused it to happen?" I tried to clarify. 

She nodded. 

"That's horrible. Poor Ny. Did anyone ever explain to him?" 

She nodded again. Apparently sharing time was over. It was just as well, for she stopped in front of room 421, and opened the door, going in. Clearly she was leaving it up to me whether or not to follow her in. After a moment's hesitation, I did. 

Ny was sitting up in bed when I went in, already chatting happily to his twin. I watched them silently for a few minutes, unnoticed. She wasn't speaking to him either, but she was smiling at him and nodding in all the right places, clearly paying attention. Ny didn't seem to expect her to talk, or try to make her. Apparently it was just how she was. 

When there was a brief lull in the conversation, Ny happened to glance up, and spotted me. "Taichi!" he cried enthusiastically. "I didn't know you were here! Why didn't you tell me you brought him, Emi?" he scolded his sister. She just shrugged. 

I stepped further into the room, coming up to stand next to his bed, on the other side of Emiko. "How are you feeling?" I asked him. "I called your house looking for you and your sister here told me you had appendicitis." 

He winced. "Yeah. My parents rushed me to the hospital last night because my stomach started hurting really bad. They wound up having to do an emergency appendectomy on me. I'm still sore, but they've been giving me the good drugs, so it's not too bad." He grinned at me. 

I rolled my eyes at him. "Yeah, you're fine." 

"Hey, when you talk to Yamato again, can you let him know I'll call him in a few days? I need to talk to him." 

"If I can manage to find him, I will." 

"What do you mean?" he asked, his voice taking on a worried tone. "He's not missing, is he?" 

I sighed. "Not exactly. Just... his dad walked in on us last night kissing, and he asked me to leave so they could talk. I thought Yamato would call me last night to let me know how it went, but he didn't. And then he didn't show up for school today. I tried calling his cell at lunch, but he didn't pick up. And I'm afraid to call the apartment in case his dad answers and is mad. I had actually intended to ask if _you_ could call over there for me." 

"Oh." He frowned. "I hope he's okay." 

"You and me both." I paused as a thought hit me. "I don't suppose you'd call him for me now? I have my cell on me." 

"Err." He looked away from me, blushing. "We haven't really been speaking much lately..." 

"Ny kissed him." 

"Emi!" Ny cried, horrified. He looked back at me anxiously, one hand running his fingers through his hair while the other clenched at the hospital blankets. "Taichi, I'm sorry. It wasn't—" 

I held up a hand to stop him talking. "It's okay, Ny. I already know about it. It wasn't hard to miss that you two were avoiding each other, so I asked Yamato about it." 

"So... you're not mad?" he asked cautiously. The fist in the blanket slowly loosened as some of the tension left his body. 

I shook my head. "No. I don’t _like_ it, obviously, but I’m not mad about it. But don't you ever kiss him again while he's my boyfriend," I told him, feeling just a bit possessive. 

"I won't, I promise!" 

"So..." 

He sighed, holding out his hand. "Hand it over." 

I grinned, and gave him my phone, then watched anxiously as he dialled Yamato's home line. After a few rings, the answering machine picked up. My face fell as I heard the familiar introduction of Yamato's message. "Hello, you've reached the Ishida..." 

Ny ended the call, handing my phone back. "Sorry," he told me. "Maybe he's just asleep or something. You should try his cell again later." 

"Yeah, maybe," I said doubtfully. I wasn't so sure, and I really hoped he was okay. 

We chatted a bit longer after that, with Emi standing by mostly silent, nodding or shaking her head every once in awhile in response to Ny. Then I said my goodbyes, wanting to get home in case Yamato tried calling me. 

As I headed out and started down the hall, I happened to glance into the next room out of idle curiosity. I expected it to be a complete stranger, or maybe empty, but to my shock, it was Yamato. 

I tried to stop, to get a better look and be sure it wasn't just my eyes playing tricks, but I wound up tripping over my own feet, stumbling a bit into the room. Yamato—for it was definitely him—looked up. "Taichi...?" 

But before I could say anything, Mr. Ishida got up from the chair he'd been sitting in and came over to me, pushing me back out of the room, shutting the door behind him. 

"Um..." I looked up at him nervously, wondering if he was mad and was going to tell me to stay out of Yamato's life from now on. Hell, what was Yamato even _doing_ in the hospital? He was fine when I'd left yesterday! Had he had another panic attack? 

Mr. Ishida noticed how nervous I was, and gave me a small smile, trying to reassure me. It worked a bit, because if he was angry I doubted he would have been smiling at me. "Relax," he told me, "I'm not mad at you." 

"Okay..." I said cautiously. "So I'm still allowed to see him?" 

"Of course!" he said immediately. "I've seen how good you've been for him lately, and I know you two have always been good friends. I know I might have been abrupt last night, but seeing you two like that just caught me off guard." 

"You talked to Yamato, right? You know we're..." 

He held up a hand, cutting me off. "I'm fine with the two of you having a relationship, as long as that's what the both of you want. But don't you _ever_ deliberately hurt him, Taichi." 

"I wouldn't!" I protested, shaking my head for emphasis. "I wouldn't ever hurt him, I promise." Even though on the outside I was staying calm, on the inside I was screaming for joy. He was letting us stay together! He wasn't mad and he didn't hate either of us! I could still see Yamato! 

He put a hand on my shoulder briefly. "I'm glad to hear it." 

"Uh, Mr. Ishida? What exactly is Yamato even doing here?" Now that I didn't have to be worried about Mr. Ishida's reaction anymore, new worries were taking place. 

He sighed, suddenly looked extremely weary and every bit his age. "I'll leave that telling up to Yamato, if he ever decides to talk about it. If you'd like, you can come in and visit with him for a bit." 

"Please," I said, wondering just what he meant. Surely if it was just a bad panic attack, Mr. Ishida would have said so without any problems. But implying that Yamato wasn't talking about it, whatever it was... what had happened? I guessed I would just have to ask Yamato. 

Mr. Ishida opened the door back up, holding it for me. After taking a deep breath and putting a smile on my face, I went in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (22 september 2012 0839PM) / (3 october 2012 0200AM) / (06 october 2012 0409PM)
> 
> I yanked that history info from one of my own textbooks back when I was writing the original version of this in high school. It was a world history class, I think? My memory is hazy. If any info is wrong, blame that textbook :P


	6. Book One - chapter six - forward, and back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _I line up self-satisfied words_  
>  _even though we're going too fast, that's okay,_  
>  _since unforeseen feelings_  
>  _have started to overflow in my heart_  
>  _like they're being rushed_  
>  _since they're pushing up on me so much but_  
> 
>  _I'm always different_  
>  _from who I wanted to be_  
>  _this isn't who I've wanted to be,_  
>  _but I'm sure this is me_  
>  \- **Sakamoto Maaya** , kaze ga fuku hi.

After Dad and I managed to patch things up, most of the tension in the room dissipated. It was a relief to not have that hanging over me, and I was content to lay there and try to rest some more. I was definitely still feeling the beating I'd taken... not that I wanted to think about it any. I knew Dad was annoyed with me that I wouldn't tell him or the police what had happened, but I just _couldn't_. Just thinking about it for too long was enough to get me shaking. I was surprised to even still be alive, given how severely they'd...

At least Dad wasn't disallowing me to see Taichi anymore. I'd been just as scared over that as I had over what I'd just been through. I _needed_ Taichi, I couldn't get through all of this without him, and the thought of trying to just made me want to hide away in my room and never face the world again. 

And speaking of the devil, my musings were interrupted by a voice crying out as someone tripped into the room. I looked up, spotting none other than my boyfriend. "Taichi...?" I started, wondering just what the hell he was doing here. He shouldn't have even known I was in the hospital. Dad had called Natsuko earlier to let her know what had happened (and I really didn't understand why he bothered...), but I wasn't sure if he'd told her where I was, and I really doubted he had called Taichi, so I didn't see how Taichi could have found out, especially so fast. 

Before I had a chance to ask him, Dad was up and out of his chair, pushing Taichi back into the hallway and shutting the door behind him. I stared after them, wondering just what Dad was doing. He'd said it was okay for me to see Taichi, so why was he taking him away? I wanted to get up and find out what was going on, but frustratingly, I could only lay there, knowing I wouldn't have enough strength to make it that far. Every part of me was battered and abused and achingly sore. So I stayed put, wondering and worrying, hoping Dad wasn't out there killing Taichi. 

It wasn't a very long wait. Several minutes later they were walking back in, Dad taking his chair again while Taichi bounded up to me, stopping just at the side of the bed. "Hey," he said, giving me an easy grin, but his eyes belied his worry. 

"Hey back," I said quietly, truly glad to see him. There'd been a brief bit last night where I had been sure I'd never get to see him again, and not because of Dad. 

"So," he said, drawing the 'o' out slowly. "What are you doing here?" 

I just shrugged, glancing quickly at Dad, trying to think of a polite way to ask him to leave. I had no plans to tell Taichi what had happened either, at least not yet and maybe not ever, but I did want a chance to talk to him without Dad there. 

Thankfully, Dad apparently picked up on my discomfort, because he stood up asking if we'd be okay alone while he went and got some coffee. "I could use the caffeine," he said. 

"Sure," we told him, and once he was gone I turned to Taichi. "What did he say to you in the hallway?" I demanded, not giving him a chance to speak. I truly did want to know, but I also wanted to stave off his questions. 

Taichi looked at me for a moment, and I could see him debating on whether to call me on my deflection. "He just wanted to apologise to me, and to say he was okay with us being together, and to make sure I wouldn't ever hurt you. That's about it." He paused momentarily. "What happened, Yamato? Why are you in the hospital?" 

I swallowed, averting my eyes. I _really_ did not want Taichi pushing the issue. I knew I wouldn't be able to talk about it without breaking down, assuming I even got that far. "Later, Taichi, okay?" I said quietly. "I can't right now." I tensed, waiting for him to get upset, to try again, for us to maybe have an argument reminiscent of our early days in the Digital World, but to my surprise he nodded, acquiescing easily. 

"Does your mom know you're in the hospital?" he asked. 

I shrugged. "Probably." 

"You don't know for sure?" 

"No." 

Taichi was quiet for a moment, and I hoped he'd exhausted his questions, but then he came back with, "Does she even know about Ken?" 

I sighed, responding a bit flippantly. "Probably. It _was_ on the news after all." 

"You didn't tell her yourself?" Taichi asked, sounding incredulous. I didn't know why, he knew what my relationship with Natsuko was like. 

"She tried calling once," I told him, knowing he wouldn't shut up until I'd explained to his satisfaction, "but I wouldn't talk to her. I know Dad told her most of it after the news report. I don't know what exactly, I didn't ask and he didn't offer. He keeps her updated every so often, I think, even though it's pointless. She only pretends to care." My voice had gotten pretty bitter and upset by that point, so Taichi finally wisely dropped that subject too. 

We chatted for awhile longer after that, mostly about inconsequential things like school and homework. Safe subjects that wouldn't really upset me. Dad eventually came back from his coffee, and Taichi said he should probably get going, as his mom had no idea where he was and would start worrying soon. I waved him a goodbye, and it was only after he'd gone that it occurred to me to I'd never found out why he'd even been in the hospital in the first place. 

* * *

The next day brought me another surprising visitor. I was alone, having convinced Dad to go home and shower and nap. Being alone made me nervous—Ken had gotten to me in the hospital before, after all—but Dad hadn't really slept since Friday night, and I knew he needed the time to rest, so I just sucked it up and dealt with it. I'd made sure to keep the call button right next to me, so if Ken did some show up for some reason, I'd jam that thing non-stop until someone came. Dad had been gone maybe about an hour when I heard a knock at my door. Knowing that Ken wouldn't knock, and figuring it was a doctor, I called out, "Come in!" 

Instead, Ny walked in, looking awkward but determined. 

"Ny?" I blurted out, beyond surprised. It wasn't hard to guess who told him I was here, but I certainly hadn't expected him to show up for a visit. Outside of classes and band practice, I hadn't seen Ny at all, and even then we still spent our time together doing our best to avoid each other and what had happened between us. Not to mention Ny avoided hospitals like the plague. 

"Hi," he said quietly, giving me a little wave. "Taichi came back by, told me you were here." 

"Came back by?" I asked him, confused. 

"Yeah. I've been here since Thursday night, had an emergency appendectomy. I was actually down the hall that way a bit," he said, jerking his head in a direction to indicate. Taichi came to visit, and after he left he came back later to tell me you were here." 

"Oh," I said inadequately. I was a bit floored, to be honest. It was a very strange coincidence to find out one of your closest friends has been just down the hall from you recovering from an emergency surgery. "Geeze Ny, I'm sorry," I continued, my brain starting to catch up a bit. "That sounds rough. I'm glad you're okay." 

He just shrugged, seemingly unconcerned. "It hurt like hell at the time, but it's over now. I'm just glad to be out." He shuddered ever so slightly at that. 

I winced. I knew being here had to be a nightmare for him. He'd told me once, of the little boy that died right as he wandered into a hospital room, drawn by the beeping of the machines while his dad dealt with some administrator business. Of how he'd stood huddled and shaking in a corner, going unnoticed and watching it all as doctors and nursed swarmed in, trying in vain to revive the child. He'd told me that hospitals always managed to scare him after that, and he spent as little time as possible in them when he had to come to one. It truly surprised me that he was sticking around long enough to come visit me. 

"Well, I appreciate the visit," I started uncertainly. 

"Look," he said suddenly, that air of determination coming around him again. "That day, at your apartment. I shouldn't have kissed you. I just got caught up in the moment, and I've regretted it ever since. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you any, or jeopardise your relationship with Taichi. And I don't want this to mess up anything between us either. Can we please just be friends still?" The last sentence seemed to burst out of him, and I looked at him in shock. He was standing there anxiously, fidgeting his hands and feet and looking down at the ground. 

"Ny, we've never stopped being friends..." That got him to look back up, giving me a hopeful look. Had he really thought I would quit being his friend just because of a kiss? "I didn't mean to give you that impression, and I'm sorry I apparently did," I said carefully. "It's just..." I fisted my hands in my blankets, swallowing nervously. It was my turn to look down now. 

"Just what?" he asked after a moment, when I hadn't gone on. 

"It scared me a bit," I admitted softly. "And I didn't know how to react around you. Knowing you like me is one thing, having you unexpectedly kiss me..." It had been a bit reminiscent of Ken, were I to be honest with myself. I'd tried to avoid consciously making the connection in my head, but when I'd turned Ken down he'd kissed me and everything had gone downhill from there. Even though my heart told me that Ny wasn't like that, that he was safe and trustworthy, it had once told me the same of Ken and I couldn't even trust myself anymore. 

"I just didn't know how to react around you," I repeated, looking up and into his eyes. "But we're still friends, and I'll stop avoiding you from now on if you'll do the same for me. Deal?" 

"Deal!" he exclaimed, a large grin spreading across his face. "So we're cool now, right?" 

"Yeah, we're cool," I agreed. "Now go home, I know you hate being in hospitals." 

"Alright. Thanks, Yamato. I'll see you later then. And I hope you get feeling better soon." 

"Thanks," I said, waving bye to him as he headed out of the room. Once he was gone I carefully rolled myself onto my side, mindful of the fact that my body felt like one giant bruise. I wished my life could stop being some crazy and painful drama and just get back to normal. I was tired of all the madness. 

* * *

A knock on the half-opened door woke me out of a light doze later that afternoon. I yawned and carefully sat up a bit, blinking sleep out of my eyes as some of the last people I wanted to see walked in. 

"Yamato!" Takeru cried, running over to me and stopping short at the side of the bed. 

I plastered a smile I didn't feel on to my face, inwardly cringing. "Hey, Takeru," I said, reaching out to ruffle his hair a bit. I looked behind him at the woman who'd followed him in. "Natsuko," I said neutrally, my voice even. 

She smiled at me, hovering just inside the door still. "Hi, Yamato. Hiroaki called to tell us what happened, and your brother insisted on visiting as soon as he could. How are you feeling?" 

"Fine," I said shortly, not willing to give her anything and inwardly cursing Dad for calling her. Why did she always have to insist on this charade? She and I both knew she didn't really care. Hell, she'd just admitted she was only here because Takeru wanted to see me. She wouldn't even come in the room all the way. 

"I'm sorry you're back in the hospital again," she tried, but I just shrugged. At this point I was almost used to it, not that I wanted to share that with her. 

"Thanks for bringing Takeru by," I said instead, more or less dismissing her. 

"Right," she said, and for a brief moment I thought I saw a look of hurt flash across her face. But almost immediately she was smiling at me, and I chalked it up to still being half-asleep. "I'll be by in a bit to pick you back up, alright?" she told Takeru. "Have a good visit with your brother and try not to tire him out." 

"I won't mom, don't worry," he told her, turning to me and rolling his eyes. "She worries too much," he said once she'd gone. I shrugged at him too, unable to relate. "How are you feeling, really?" he asked me, looking worried. "Mom said you were hurt, but she wouldn't tell me how. Are you okay?" 

I sighed, not wanting to talk about it with my brother anymore than I had Dad or Taichi. "I'm fine," I said. "I'm mostly tired." As if to prove my point, a yawn caught me unawares just then, and I reached up a hand to cover my mouth, briefly shutting my eyes. I really just wanted Takeru to leave so I could go back to sleep... I didn't want him seeing me like this. 

A sharp gasp had my eyes snapping back open to look at my brother. To my confusion, he was staring at me with tears in his eyes, a disbelieving look on his face. "Yamato...?" he asked, voice shaking slightly. 

"What is..." I trailed off as I suddenly realised what it was my brother had spotted. Being clad in nothing more than a simple hospital gown, both my wrists were completely uncovered and sporting their shiny new scars. At some point while I'd been unconscious, the last bit of scabbing that had been left around the edges had fallen off, and now they were complete scars. I was so used to having long sleeves on all the time that I'd completely forgotten to hide them from Takeru. And I'd just lifted a hand right in front of my brother. 

"Please tell me that's not what it looks like," Takeru begged me, some of the threatening tears beginning to spill over. 

I bit my lip and looked away, a few tears of my own building up. I hadn't wanted my brother to know. It was bad enough that he knew what Ken had done to me without details. But for him to know just how far Ken had pushed me... "I'm sorry," I whispered, not daring to look back at him. 

"Yamato..." My brother's voice was so full of pain I could hardly bear it. "Why did you... You know I love you, right? And Dad, and Taichi, and all our other friends... Why would you—" 

"Takeru, stop," I cut him off, not able to listen to his pain anymore. "It was almost two months ago, okay? I know everybody loves me, and believe me, it was a stupid mistake I definitely regret. I don't want to die and I have no plans to ever try again, so don't cry, please?" 

"But why did you even do it in the first place? Why would you resort to that first instead of trying to get help?" 

I sighed, rubbing my forehead. I could feel a headache coming on. "It was a very bad situation and one I don't really want to talk or think about anymore. Please, Takeru, don't worry over it. I promise it's not going to happen again." 

Takeru reached out a hand towards one of my wrists, perhaps wanting to touch one of the scars, but before he could I yanked my hands away, pulling the covers up over them. "Don't," I said quietly. 

"Okay," he said, just as quiet, his eyes apologetic. "But I'll always worry about you, you're my brother after all." 

"I know," I replied. "And I wouldn't have it any other way." 

He smiled, and the talk turned to less serious things after that. He gave me a bit of gossip about what was going on in the other Chosens' lives, as I hadn't seen much of them outside of lunch or classes at school sometimes. After a short while, Natsuko stopped by again to pick him up. I gave my brother a hug before he left, telling him I'd try to find time for us to hang out soon. I ignored Natsuko's get well wishes entirely. 

* * *

"At last, freedom!" I cried, grinning back at my dad and Taichi as they followed me into the apartment. Dr. Kaos had finally seen fit to release me from the hospital, admitting there wasn't really much they could do for me other than a nice prescription for pain killers. He had admonished me to take it easy, but since I didn't plan on doing anything other than school and band practice, that wasn't a problem. 

Taichi laughed at me, grinning back. "Glad to be out, huh?" 

"Yes!" I said fervently. "It's so boring just laying around with only a TV for entertainment. And it will be nice to sleep in my own bed again." I shuddered, thinking of how uncomfortable the one at the hospital had been. Taichi laughed again, and we quickly retreated to my room to relax and hang out, leaving Dad to watch the news in peace. I sank down onto my bed, sighing happily as I buried my face into my pillow. "I missed you so much!" I told my bed, petting the covers. 

Taichi took a seat at my desk, positioning himself in the chair backwards, an amused look on his face at my antics. "Was it that bad?" 

"You have no idea," I told him, shuddering again. 

At that, his face turned serious. "No, I don't," he agreed quietly. "Are you going to tell me yet what happened to land you in the hospital?" 

I sighed, my good mood at being home rapidly evaporating. "Taichi..." 

He leaned forward in my direction. "I didn't push you the other day because I knew you were tired and probably hadn't had time to process it yourself yet, but it's been two days now. You haven't told anyone and we're all worried as hell for you." 

"Don't worry. I'm fine." I said dismissively. 

"You're not!" he half-cried. "Someone's hurt you again, and just like before you're keeping silent on it. Who was it? Did Ken find you again? What exactly happened? You can trust me, Yamato, and you can trust your dad. We just want to help you. Please tell one of us." 

"I _can't_ ," I said, my voice cracking. "I can't, Taichi, I really can't. I'm sorry. I still can't even let myself think about it yet, much less be able to tell someone else. Please don't ask me right now, please," I begged, near tears. 

He was quiet for a moment, watching me as I tried to collect myself and calm back down. I took a few steadying breaths, bringing my hands up to wipe away my tears. His eyes followed them, and after a moment I realised he was looking at the scars. When Dad had brought me clothes to wear he'd just grabbed a t-shirt, not realising my need to keep my wrists covered now. It was probably the first time Taichi had seen them, as the last time had just been a quick glimpse of scabs. Apparently he'd been too distracted to notice in the hospital. 

I brought my arms back down, hiding my wrists against my sides. 

"You don't have to hide them from me," he said softly. "I'm not going to judge you for them, or be disgusted by them." 

I shrugged a bit jerkily and got up to exchange my shirt for a long-sleeved one. "Maybe I'm hiding them from me," I muttered. 

He sighed, but stayed silent. "Did Ny ever come visit you?" he asked finally, mercifully changing the subject. 

I nodded, yanking my pillow into my lap and hugging it close. "For a little bit. He apologised again about, you know... kissing me. He apparently thought I didn't want to be his friend anymore." 

"Well with you two avoiding each other, it's no wonder he thought that." 

"We made a deal to quit that." 

"Good! The rest of us were getting quite tired of watching you two pretend to not realise the other existed." 

"The rest...?" I wondered. 

"Surely you didn't expect Kenji and Ratz to have not noticed?" 

"Noooooo," I said, drawing it out, though in truth I hadn't thought too much about it. "I just didn't realise everyone was talking about it behind my back." 

"They were curious." 

"You didn't tell them, did you?" I demanded, horrified at the thought. 

"No! Geeze, Yamato, what do you take me for? I just told them I didn't know what was up between you two but that you'd probably eventually work it out and they should leave you alone about it." 

"Good. Sorry. Thank you," I said, heartbeat slowly returning to normal. If either of them had ever learned of what happened between us, the teasing would probably never let up. I flopped backward onto my bed, wincing as my back hit it harder than I meant. Kento had jumped on it pretty hard... 

Which I was resolutely not thinking about. I rolled over onto my stomach, my legs still dangling off the edge. I wished I could take a nap, but I knew Dad would make me go to school tomorrow and I didn't need to sleep the day away. 

"You alright?" Taichi asked. 

"Yeah." I made a face, even though Taichi couldn't see it. "Just don't want to go to school tomorrow." 

"You need to, though. You've already missed so much..." 

"You sound like Dad," I grumbled. 

"Sorry," he said, not sounding sorry at all. 

"Yeah, yeah... You wanna watch a movie or something? I'm already bored." 

Taichi laughed. "You're not good at doing nothing, are you?" 

"No. It's boring." 

"Alright. Come on then. I'll go pick out a DVD, and you go get us snacks. Sound good?" 

"You and your stomach," I said, rolling my eyes, but I got up anyways and followed him down the hall, stopping in the kitchen to find something for his eternally hungry stomach. The afternoon was starting to feel more like old times, before everything with Ken. 

It was a good feeling. 

* * *

I reluctantly dragged myself off to school the next morning at Dad's insistent prodding, wishing that I could do nothing more than stay in bed and sleep. I'd managed to fall asleep during the movie yesterday, against my better efforts, and when I'd actually gone to bed much later that night, I'd had several nightmares that left me feeling exhausted and drained. I at least no longer had to deal with Kawada Sensei in second period, something I was thankful for every single day. Especially when I'd accidentally fallen asleep and was only gently reprimanded by Kurata Sensei at the end of the class. 

When I walked into third, I was immediately pounced on by Kenji. "Yamato!" he cried, exuberant as ever. "Where were you Friday? I missed you!" 

I carefully extracted myself from his grasp and stared at him. "I was only gone one day," I said, neatly avoiding his question. "You couldn't have missed me that much." 

"Sure I did!" he countered, grinning happily at me. Thankfully I was spared from any more of his hyper mood as Ny walked in then and Kenji turned his attentions onto him. 

"Ny!" he yelled, running over to him and hugging him tight. "I missed you!" 

Ny didn't even bother to free himself. "...You just saw me in second period," he said, also staring. 

"I _know_!" Kenji exclaimed. "But I missed you! Family's important!" 

I smiled, shaking my head as I took my seat. The band really was like a family, I thought happily. One I wouldn't trade for anything. 

* * *

Later that afternoon found us having an impromptu band practice in our usual room after school. Genjitsu, Ratsuii's new boyfriend, was there with us, claiming curiosity about our process. And, I suspected, avoiding the tediousness of his month long detentions that he was currently supposed to be at. A lot of times when we had band practice we didn't really get any real practising done, unless there was a concert coming up, but because Gen was there we actually decided to do some work for once. 

After about half an hour of practice though, Kenji set down his drumsticks and looked at us. "Can we go to Ny's house for practice instead?" 

"Why?" Ratsuii asked. "What's wrong with here?" 

Kenji shrugged. "Just don't feel like being in the school any longer." 

"Why is it always my house?" Ny griped as we started packing up. 

"Because Kenji's mom doesn't like people over and Ratsuii's hundreds of siblings would never give us a moment of peace and my neighbours complain about 'that racket' every time," I reminded him. “Plus your place is the biggest.” 

"Hey!" Ratsuii protested. "I only have three siblings!" 

"I thought you had four?" I asked, mentally recounting them in my head. 

"...Right. Four," he agreed after a moment's pause. "Koji, Kori, Tori, and Luna... Four." 

I stared at him, wondering why he sounded so hesitant about that, but then shrugged it off, deciding to tease him instead. "Kori and Tori _are_ two separate people, even if they don't act like it sometimes. Or did you forget how to count?" 

"Are your siblings twins?" Gen asked suddenly, surprising the rest of us. 

"Kori and Tori are, yes. They're a year younger than me," Ratsuii explained. "Koji's also seventeen, he's about six months younger than me. Luna's the baby of the family, she's only four," he finished up, a fond smile appearing on his face when talking about Luna. 

"Six months...?" Gen wondered. "How...?" 

"He was adopted. If you'd like, you can come over sometime soon and meet them all. You'll be lucky if the twins say more than hi to you, but Koji's a pretty awesome guy." 

Gen smiled at him. "I'd like that." 

In a short time, we were all reassembled in Ny's room, getting moments of practice in between teasing Ratz about dating Gen. It had started with Kenji making a teasing remark about Ratz already bringing the boyfriend home to meet the parents, and hadn't let up since. 

"Will you guys just shove off already!" he finally cried after one remark too many, his face red from embarrassment. "You know it's not like that!" 

Gen smirked, hopping off Ny's bed and walking over to his boyfriend. "I think they're jealous of us, just ignore them." And with that he leaned in, grabbed Ratz's face with both hands, and proceeded to firmly kiss the life out of his boyfriend. 

Kenji, of course, immediately let out an impressed whistle. "Way to go, guys!" he cheered. "Way to knock that first kiss right out of the park!" 

Gen finally let Ratsuii go, and he pulled back, his face flaming. "Third," he mumbled in Kenji's direction. 

"Quick pecks on the cheek or lips don't count," I said in jest. 

Ratsuii groaned. "Come on Yamato, not you too!" 

As we continued to joke around, I heard Kenji asking Ny what was wrong. 

"Nothing," I heard Ny mumble. 

I quit with the jokes and motioned for the others to quiet down too, having wondered myself. Nyusumi had always been a rather quiet kind of guy, but even for him his quiet of today was unusual. He hadn't even joined in with any of today's teasing. 

"Seriously man, you've been super quiet all day. Something's obviously bothering you." 

"Look, I can't really say right now, okay?" he snapped, giving Kenji a look I couldn't interpret. "It's a family problem," he added, stressing the word 'family' ever so slightly. 

Kenji, at least, seemed to understand it better than the rest of us, because he just nodded and asked, "Later then?" 

"Sure," Ny muttered back. "Can we get back to practising now, since we went to all this trouble?" 

The rest of us looked around at each other for a moment, before mentally shrugging and agreeing to just let it go. 

"Let's practice then!" 

* * *

A few hours later, after we'd had enough of practice and Gen was getting bored (I half expected he wanted to kiss Ratsuii some more, he'd looked as if he'd thoroughly enjoyed that first one), I was walking home by myself. It was just late enough for the sun to be setting, and I was a little nervous. I was starting to wish I'd had one of my bandmates walk me, or invited Taichi along to the practice. I'd quickly discovered in the last couple days that I no longer felt comfortable being alone outside, now afraid that I'd run into Kento's gang once more, and possibly not survive another encounter. 

Therefore, when I turned a corner and bumped into someone going the opposite direction, already on edge from my own thoughts, I automatically thought 'Kento'. I let out a startled scream and immediately took off down the street, not wanting to give them a chance to hurt me again. I drew to a sudden halt, however, when I heard a familiar voice yelling my name. I risked a glance behind me, and sure enough, Koushiro was standing there calling after me, looking confused and worried. 

I headed back to him slowly, feeling incredibly stupid, my entire face flaming. "Hi, Koushiro," I greeted him when I got near enough, hoping he wouldn't comment on my reaction. 

To my relief, he politely said nothing of my embarrassing reaction. "Yamato. What are you doing out so late?" 

"I was just leaving Nyusumi's house. We were practising a bit because Genjitsu was curious to see us work." 

"Genjitsu?" he asked blankly. He didn't always keep up with the latest gossip around school, and though he knew my bandmates he wasn't that close to any of them. 

"Ratsuii's new boyfriend," I explained. "He decided to experiment, apparently. Where are you headed to?" 

"I was headed home, I've spent the afternoon hanging out with Jou. Would you like me to walk with you the rest of the way? You're in the same direction I am." 

"Sure," I said, trying to hide just how relieved I was at his offer. He may have not always kept up with rumours, but he could be pretty observant when he wanted. It was pretty great of him to give my pride an out, considering he hadn't been heading my way at all. 

"So how's Jou doing with university these days?" I asked as we resumed walking the route to my house. I hadn't really seen much of the Chosen the past few months, as it took enough out of me to handle my relationships with Taichi and my band while still trying to deal with the aftermath of Ken. And with Jou having graduated high school last year, I hardly saw him at all. 

"I believe you're familiar with how Jou is, he still becomes frantic over every little test, but he's doing fine. It keeps him very busy, though it appears he's enjoying it. We try to get quality time in when we can," he said. 

"Quality time?" I asked, thinking it was an odd way to phrase it. I looked over at him. The rapidly darkening sky made it hard to tell, but it seemed that he was blushing...? 

"Hanging out, of course..." 

"And making out?" I inquired innocently. 

"Somet—No!" he interrupted himself hastily. "Why would you say that?" 

I laughed, grinning widely. "Izumi Koushiro!" I cried, affecting mock-offense. "I am _hurt_! How long have you been holding out on us?" 

He was definitely blushing. "I don't know what you mean," he said haughtily, sticking his nose up in the air. 

"You're dating Jou, and don't even deny it! You're blushing, and you just as good as admitted it!" 

"I'm not sure 'date' is the right terminology," he said, more serious. "Not officially." 

"How do you date someone unofficially?" I wondered. 

"We spend time together at each others' houses, and sometimes a little more happens," he mumbled. "We've never gone on dates, or declared ourselves a couple." 

I stared at him, actually halting in my walk for a minute. "You've never even discussed it at all, have you?" I asked incredulously. 

"No." 

I continued on again, catching up to him again. "You should," I told him. 

"I'm afraid to," he admitted. "What if he doesn't like me back?" 

"You should know Jou's not like that more than any of us. I don't think he would keep kissing you if he didn't like you that way. He's probably just as afraid as you are, maybe even more so considering how worry-prone he is. Just talk to him. I can't imagine you'd regret it." 

"You're right, of course," he said after a moment's quiet contemplation. "Thank you, Yamato." 

"Hey, that's what friends are for," I said easily. We rounded the last corner then, my apartment building coming into view. "That's my stop," I said, nodding towards it. "Thanks for walking with me." 

"Like you said, that's what friends are for, right?" he said, smiling gently at me. 

I smiled back. "Yeah. See you at school?" 

"Of course. Take care, Yamato." He waved, and then stood there watching until I'd safely gone through the door of my building. 

Koushiro really was a good friend, one I was lucky to have. Hopefully when I got myself together a bit more I'd start hanging out with him more regularly. I felt guilty for neglecting him and the others as of late. 

The apartment was empty when I let myself in. Dad was probably staying late at work, since he'd actually taken the weekend off while I was in the hospital. After a few moments of standing there in the dark living room, I sighed and gave in to the inevitable. 

I still didn't like being alone in the apartment, especially when I didn't know for sure where Dad was or how late he would be. Even though Ken had already seen me once and hadn't hurt me, I still considered him an unknown now. I just couldn't trust him anymore. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my cell and dialled Taichi's familiar number. 

"Taichi?" I said when he picked up. "Would you feel up to coming round?" 

* * *

I gasped as one of Taichi's fingers brushed lightly against my nipple. In response, he just kissed me harder and did it again, making me moan quietly into his mouth. The TV droned on in the background, completely forgotten by this point. 

"Taichi," I gasped as we broke apart. 

He smiled at me, reaching up a hand to brush away a few stray strands of hair that had fallen in my face. "You alright?" he murmured. 

I nodded, smiling back at him. I wasn't, entirely. Just as before, once he started going beyond kissing, I started getting nervous. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy it, because I did. It felt great, and what's more, I _wanted_ it. But to my frustration, my body still remembered what having someone touch me _used_ to feel like, and it got scared. But I didn't know what else to do except just ignore it and hope I could get past it. 

Taichi went back to kissing me, his fingers moving to pinch at my nipple gently. I groaned, the sensations shooting straight to my groin. I wanted to put my own hands under his shirt, make him feel just as good, but even though it was irrational, I was just as scared of hurting him as I was of getting hurt, so I kept my hands at my sides and tried to remain relaxed. 

The sound of keys undoing the locks made us both freeze, and then the door opened and Dad stepped in. 

He looked at us, whatever he was about to say dying out as he caught sight of the position we were in. His mouth opened and closed a few times without sound, and I just stared back at him, completely mortified to be caught by him once again. 

"That's your dad, isn't it?" Taichi muttered to me, apparently too embarrassed to turn around and see for himself. His hand was frozen under my shirt still, and it was giving me a strange sense of déjà vu. 

"We should really learn to go in my bedroom and lock the door," I muttered back. 

"Probably a good idea for the future, boys," Dad finally managed to say, having overheard us. 

"Duly noted," I said, then hissed at Taichi to remove his hand. He did so hastily, mumbling apologies, his face a bit red. 

Dad raised his eyebrows at us, then apparently decided he was better off dismissing the scene from his mind. "I actually just came to get some files," he said, crossing through the room to the kitchen. 

"Files?" I asked, raising my voice as he headed down the hall to his room. 

"The station asked me to help out with covering a series of murders in Tamachi a few days back," Dad called back to me. "I had the files with me when I stopped by the apartment for supper earlier and forgot to take them back with me." 

"What kind of murders?" I asked, my mind immediately latching onto 'Tamachi' and thinking of what Taichi had told me about Ken a little over a week ago. Taichi gave me a look, letting me know he'd made the same connection. 

Dad stepped back into the kitchen, files in hand. "Some maniac has been breaking into homes and stabbing families to death, raping any women there as well. There's been about six so far. They've all been in Tamachi though, so there's no need for you to worry about them." 

I shook my head. "I wasn't worried," I said absently. "Do you have the names of any of the families?" 

"I don't know them offhand, they may be in these papers somewhere," he said. "Why all the curiosity?" 

"No reason," I said, unwilling to tell him about Ken. "I was just curious." 

"Alright. I'm going to head back out now, guys. I probably won't be home until very late so Taichi, you're more than welcome to stay the night. Just don't forget you've got school in the morning, so don't stay up too late. And Yamato," he said, looking me straight in the eyes, "be careful." 

I blushed, knowing exactly how he meant it. "I'll be fine, Dad. Go on, go, I'll see you tomorrow." 

The second he was gone, Taichi leaned in towards me, attacking my mouth once more. I eagerly kissed him back, loving nothing more than just being with him right then. It didn't take long for his hand to find its way back under my shirt again, resuming its torturous teasing of my nipples. 

We kissed like that for quite some time, and Taichi didn't try to go further than he was already. Gradually I could feel myself relaxing, knowing that I was safe and Taichi wasn't going to hurt me. I was also very hard from all the attention he was giving to my chest, and it made me feel a tiny bit daring. I moved a hand out from my side and edged it up under Taichi's shirt, slowly running my fingers over his stomach and up his chest, rubbing in gentle circles over his nipple when I found it. Taichi gasped and moaned a bit, the sounds sending a thrill of excitement through me. It had been nothing like this with Ken, and I was starting to think I could get through things after all. 

"Taichi, stop a moment," I murmured, pushing my hand back against his chest. 

He pulled away immediately, giving me a concerned look. "What is it? Are you okay?" 

"I'm fine," I reassured him, smiling. "I just—" In lieu of speaking, I reached out and grasped the bottom of Taichi's shirt, carefully tugging it upwards. He got the idea quickly, raising his arms so I could pull it off. Once I had it off and tossed to the floor, I scooted over a bit, laying back so that my head rested on the arm of the couch, and motioned for him to straddle me. 

He did so, taking care not to make me nervous, and we went back to making out and exploring each others' chests. There was a brief moment of panic when he tugged on the bottom of my shirt, wanting it off, but I shook my head 'no' and he quickly backed off. To my internal annoyance, I found that my body had once again begun tensing up with anxiety, especially when Taichi's fingers started trailing down and around my belly instead. It had never been good when I was laying on the couch with someone on top of me, and I didn't know why I had picked this position. I lowered my arms back down to my sides again, trying to will myself to calm down, but I was extremely tense and it didn't take Taichi long to notice. 

He stopped touching me and sat back up, looking down at me. "Do we need to stop?" he asked, and his voice was so understanding that I wanted to cry. It wasn't fair. I didn't want to be scared of getting hurt! I wanted to be able to have fun and just enjoy sexual things with my boyfriend without being reminded of previous painful experiences. Why did Ken have to do such horrible things to me? 

I shook my head no at Taichi, wanting desperately to get past this, to be okay and to make him happy. "I want to try," I whispered to him. "I want you to touch me. Please." 

"Okay. But if you need me to stop at any point, just say so," he said seriously. "I won't be upset." 

"Okay," I agreed, and reached up to pull him back down into a kiss. Wanting me to relax, he stuck to just kissing for a little while. Slowly the tension left my body, enjoying the sensations of being close with someone I cared for. Once he sensed that I was less anxious again, he re-introduced his hands; however, the second they touched my stomach I tensed up again, afraid of him going slower. Mentally yelling at myself that it was only Taichi and he wouldn't hurt me, I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. 

"Still want this?" Taichi asked softly. 

I opened my eyes and looked into his. "Yes." 

"I won't hurt you," he murmured, running his fingers just under the edge of my jeans. "I promise, Yama. I just want to make you feel good." 

"I know," I mumbled. Knowing didn't make any difference though. I jerked when he undid the snap on my jeans, the sound making me flash back to all the times Ken had done the same to me, yanking my clothes off my body roughly so he could do as he wished. 

Trying to distract myself, I pulled Taichi into another kiss, desperately doing my best to shove all thoughts of Ken out of my head. Ken was gone, he was done and over with. It was Taichi who was here now, Taichi who cared about me and wanted to be with me and would hurt himself before he'd ever willingly hurt me. 

Taichi acquiesced easily, but this time it didn't help me. I was too focused on the fact that my jeans were undone, and Taichi was going to touch me just like Ken had, and it was going to hurt like it always had... 

When I felt his hand start to slip in my boxers, I jerked away hard, crying out. "No!" 

Taichi sat up instantly, taking his hands away and being sure not to touch me. I was already babbling apologies, extremely upset. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I really want to, but I can't, I _can't_ Taichi, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to be a tease, please don't hate me—" 

Taichi very carefully reached out and grabbed my hand, trying to get my attention. I shut up and looked at him. "Yamato," he said very seriously. "It's _alright_. I'm not upset, I told you I wouldn’t be, so please don't beat yourself up over it. If you're not ready, then you're just not ready and that's _fine_. I'm not going to be mad at you for something you can't help. You're not a tease and I don't hate you, okay?" 

"I just hate being like this," I whispered, close to tears. 

"Like what?" 

"All... broken and stuck. Even though I know, I _know_ , you're safe and you would never hurt me, every time you touch me or get close to touching me I remember all the things Ken did to me and I get so scared they're going to happen all over again. It isn't fair and I hate it! I just want to be normal again," I confessed, starting to cry. 

"Yamato..." Taichi said, sounding pained. He climbed off of me and helped me sit up, hugging me. "It really hasn't been all that long since Ken abused you. It's been what, maybe a month, a month and a half? It's amazing that you've even just gone as far as you have. And from the things you've told me, he hurt you very badly. Things like that take a lot of time to move past. You just need to give yourself some more time, okay?" 

I didn't answer him. I only continued to cry, wanting so badly to believe him, knowing I didn't. 

* * *

I woke up early the next morning feeling absolutely drained. I had fallen asleep last night still crying, and had continuously woken Taichi and Dad with my nightmares of Ken throughout the night. I was still highly frustrated that just a bit of action with Taichi brought me to such a state, especially since he hadn't even touched my dick. 

Down on the floor beside me, Taichi also began to stir, groaning as he woke up more fully. "Stupid school, it's too early to get up..." 

I winced, knowing he was so tired because of me and my stupidity. "I'm sorry," I said in a small voice. 

"Huh?" He sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and blinking at me. "What for?" 

"Because I couldn't do it last night, and then I made you sleep on the floor, and I kept you up with my nightmares... Are you mad at me?" 

"Of course not!" he said, incredulous. "I don't care one whit about the floor, so don't even think about that. As for the nightmares, why would I be mad about that, they're not your fault, and didn't I just say last night I wasn't mad at you for not going through with it? The last thing I'd ever want to do is pressure you into something you're not ready for." 

I swallowed, still feeling overly emotional and wanting to cry. I didn't know how I'd managed to get such an understanding boyfriend, but I was so thankful for him. 

"You boys better get hopping if you want to make it to school on time," Dad said as he stuck his head into my bedroom, eyebrows raised. "You've only got about twenty minutes to get ready." 

"Dammit!" Taichi exclaimed, jumping up. I scrambled off the couch, and the two of us rushed to get ready, running around the apartment like crazy men. Luckily Taichi had started keeping a few spare uniforms at my place, since he stayed over so often now. We just barely made it to homeroom, running in right as the bell was ringing. Yamada Sensei gave us a warning look as we slunk into our seats. We returned the look with sheepish grins, and roll call began. 

* * *

"Alright! The test is tomorrow! Don't forget to study!" Tadaji Sensei cried over the excited chatter of voices. 

Notebooks slammed shut and bookbags zipped up as the room emptied out, leaving three people in it. Taichi came over to me, bookbag slung over his shoulder. "Am I coming round again?" 

I sighed, reluctantly standing up to follow Taichi out of the room. I'd been in a bad mood all day, as I was still upset about the previous night. It seemed the more I tried not to think about it, the more I couldn't get it out of my mind. "Honestly I just want to go home and lay down, but you're welcome to come with me and hang out if you want." 

"Hey, if you wanna sleep, that's fine, I'm sure Mom would be happy to have me home for once." 

We hit the sidewalk outside, and I winced as the sunlight glared down on us. It was so bright it hurt my eyes, making my already bad mood worse. "It doesn't matter Taichi, really. It's whatever you want to do." 

"Taichi!" a female voice called behind us. 

We turned around to see Hikari running up towards us, waving to get his attention. 

"What is it, Hikari?" he asked as she approached. 

"Mom says she's going to start sending an allowance to Mr. Ishida for your care, since you've permanently moved in there now." 

"Eh-heh..." Taichi scratched his head, a bit sheepish. 

"Come on." She latched on to his arm and started dragging him down the sidewalk. 

"What? Hey, stop! I was gonna go over to Yamato's now! Hikari!" Taichi cried, stumbling some as she pulled him off balance. For a small girl, Hikari was surprisingly strong. 

"Nope," she said matter-of-factly, not letting go. I just stood there watching the two of them, bemused. "Mom specifically asked me this morning to bring you home after school, because she wants you to run some errands for her." 

Taichi groaned. "Can I at least say bye first?" 

"Sure," she said, looking back at me. "Bye, Yamato! He'll call, I'm sure. Your turn, Taichi." 

"Hikari!" Taichi whined, then also looked back. "I will call you later though, okay Yamato? And what I said this morning still stands." 

"Okay," I said, not really up to discussing it anymore. "Bye, Taichi. Have fun with your errands." I waved a bit as they headed off, Taichi still grumbling amiably to his sister. 

No sooner than I'd started off on my own, I heard someone start yelling _my_ name. A moment later Takeru came up beside me, grinning happily as he threw himself around me in a hug. Apparently it was get mauled by your siblings day. 

"Hey," I greeted my brother, gently untangling myself from him and hoping he wouldn't ask me to go do something with him. I usually loved spending time with Takeru, but right then I really did want to hurry up and get home; I was not at all in the mood to do anything. 

"Hi!" he greeted me exuberantly. "Can we go to your place? I want to tell you something!" 

"I guess so," I said, inwardly relieved. My apartment meant I could lay down on my couch. Or bed, I wasn't picky. "Can you not tell me now?" 

He shook his head rapidly. "In private," he said. "Though you won't believe it, even I can hardly believe it!" 

I raised an eyebrow, curious in spite of myself. I'd rarely seen him so excited. Whatever news he had, it must have been great. We walked the route to my apartment in silence, Takeru practically bouncing the entire way. I let us in, dropping my bookbag and shoes next to the door. "Want anything to drink or eat?" I asked as I headed to the kitchen to get myself some water. 

"No thanks," Takeru replied, taking a seat in the recliner. 

I gulped down my water and set the glass in the sink, then wandered back to the living room and flopped down onto the couch. "Now," I said. "Tell me this great news that is so hard to believe that even you can't believe it." 

"Well," he said, taking a deep breath, "Daisuke and I are going out now." 

I blinked in surprise, and then began to smile, my bad mood abating some. I was genuinely happy to hear that, glad that my brother could have some of his own happiness. "That's great! How did that happen, I thought he just wanted to be friends?" 

"That's what he said, but then he told me today that he'd still been thinking a lot about me since I'd confessed to him, and that he thought he might actually like me after all but he wasn't sure, so he wanted to give us a try and see how things work out." 

"Well, I'm really happy for you. Just be sure you guys take things slow, he sounds as if he's still confused and if you move too fast you might scare him off." 

"I know, I know," he said, slightly exasperated. "I'm letting him set the pace of the relationship, don't worry." 

"Hey, it's what big brothers are supposed to do," I pointed out. 

"Yeah," he agreed, smiling. "How have you been doing?" he asked, changing the subject. "Mom's been asking after you." 

The smile dropped off my face at that, my bad mood returning full force. I looked away then, not wanting to talk about Natsuko. "Tell her I'm fine." 

"But _are_ you fine?" Takeru asked seriously, knowing me too well. 

I sighed, looking back at him, meeting his eyes. "Yes. I'm not _great_ , but I'm alright. Really." 

The truth was, I wasn't fine at all, but I could hardly tell my fourteen year old brother just why I was so upset, and I didn't want him to worry besides. So I just put a smile back on my face and repeated, "I'm fine." I don't think he believed me, but he let it go. 

* * *

Later that evening found me cooking supper, or trying to. Normally when I was upset I could use cooking as a method to help me relax, but this time it wasn't working. Once Takeru had left, I'd been alone in the apartment with my thoughts for awhile, and aside from the fact that I was nervous being alone, my mind had wandered right back to the humiliation of last night. And even though Dad had eventually come home from work, serving as a potential distraction, my brain had been stuck on what had happened. 

I felt like such a failure, that I was so inadequate as a boyfriend that I couldn't even stand to let Taichi jerk me off. And really, if I couldn't even handle that, how was I ever going to manage actual sex later on? 

I bent down to pull a pot out of one of the lower cabinets, and managed to pop my head on the edge of the counter as I rose back up. "Dammit," I cursed, rubbing my head. That had hurt. 

I filled it with water, realised I'd filled it too full, and dumped some of it back out, pouring a bit too fast. It splashed over the edge of the sink, soaking a patch of my shirt and spilling onto the floor. I sighed and threw a couple of paper towels down, not even wanting to mess with mopping it up. 

Really, I didn't even know why Taichi bothered to stay with me when I sucked so badly. I wasn't exactly boyfriend material at the moment. I was so fucked up beyond belief and I wasn't sure I'd ever be fixed. I wasn't worth it at all. He should have just left me and found someone who was normal and could handle the thought of sex without devolving into crying and nightmares. 

Absently I grabbed the salt shaker off the back of the stove and went to sprinkle some in the pot of water, not realising the lid wasn't on properly. A couple of shakes and it fell off, half the salt going into the water. I growled in frustration, snatching the pot back up and dumping the whole mess in the sink before refilling it a third time. 

"Are you okay?" Dad finally asked. He'd been sitting at the kitchen table, smoking a cigarette and watching me silently. 

"Yes," I snapped. I tried to screw the lid back onto the salt, spending a few aggravating minutes on it until I realised the lid was broken and couldn't be put on right. Fed up, I slammed it down on the counter and grabbed the container of salt we kept in the cabinet for refilling. 

"You seem upset about something," Dad spoke up again, "are you sure you're okay?" 

"I'm fine," I insisted tersely, wishing he'd shut up. Finally having sorted the salt, I checked back on the skillet of vegetables I'd had sauteing in some sauce. I poked at them with a spatula, frowning unhappily when I realised they'd gotten mushier than I liked. 

"You don't seem fine," Dad said. "If there's something bothering you—" 

I ignored him and turned the sauce down to low heat, then stared at the other pan, wondering why the water didn't look like it was starting to even slightly heat. After another minute of fruitless staring, I finally realised I hadn't even turned the heat on. I growled, wondering if anything would go right tonight. 

"You can always talk to me, you know," Dad pushed. 

I slammed my hand down on the counter hard, having had enough. "I couldn't do it!" I shouted out, then blinked at myself in surprise. I'd meant to tell him to stop pushing. I gave up on the food and just stood there, staring down at the stove, suddenly wanting nothing more than to cry. "I couldn't do it, okay?" I repeated. 

"Couldn't do what?" Dad asked cautiously, sounding somewhat understandably confused but also hopeful that I was finally talking to him. 

I stood there for a long moment, wondering if I really wanted to talk about it with my Dad of all people. But it was eating me up inside, and I couldn't just leave it alone. I took a shuddering breath and finally answered him. "With Taichi... I—last night. I couldn't. I panicked." 

Dad was quiet, probably still confused as that hadn't been the most concise explanation, but then it apparently dawned on him and he blurted out, "Sex?" 

I turned a bit red, feeling the awkwardness of the conversation and second guessing my decision. But I soldiered on. "Well, not—not all the way, but..." I trailed off, shrugging. There was no way I was going into details. I really doubted Dad wanted them anyways. 

I heard the noise of Dad pulling the ashtray over, probably putting out his cigarette, and continued on before I completely lost my nerve. "I wanted to," I admitted. "I tried to make myself, but I kept remembering Ken and I got scared and I just _couldn't_." I wasn't going to tell him I'd cried and carried on like a baby. "Taichi said it was okay, but what if he thinks less of me now? What if I'm _never_ able to do it?" I turned to face Dad finally, a look of despair on my face. Those were really my two biggest fears over the whole mess, that I'd never be able to do it and thus wouldn't be good enough for Taichi. 

Dad let out a sigh and looked at me, his face serious. "Sex is a big thing, Yamato, and after you've had such bad experiences with it, it's only natural to expect that it won't come so easily for you. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or that you won't ever be able to do it. It's something that's going to take time, and probably several attempts before you feel safe and comfortable enough to go through with it. And if Taichi said it was okay, then I'm sure he means it." 

"What if he was just saying that?" I fretted. "What if he thinks I'm pathetic now?" 

"If that's what he truly thinks, then he doesn't deserve you. But I find it hard to believe that's what he really thinks. Taichi's a good kid, he's stood by your side and supported you all this past month, he's not going to let something like that come between you." 

"He said that if I wasn't ready, then I wasn't ready and that was fine," I said softly. "He said it was amazing I'd—I'd gone as far as I had. That it wasn't my fault and that he wasn't mad so I shouldn't beat myself up over it." I felt myself starting to cry a bit at that, to my mortification. I couldn't really help it though, everything was finally catching up with me and I had no control over how it came out. 

"He's right, and you should listen to him." Dad sighed again. "What happened to you just happened, through no fault of your own, and that you can't immediately jump right into sex afterwards is not something you should berate yourself for. If he said those things to you, then I'm sure he meant them. I've never known Taichi to lie to you about something serious before, I can't see that he would start now." 

I sniffed, nodding, wanting so badly to believe and hoping he was right. 

"Now, is that food salvageable or do we need to order something out?" 

Amazingly, that startled a laugh out of me. I sniffed again, wiping at my face. "Toss it," I said, smiling tremulously. 

Dad got up to do just that, pausing a moment to put a hand on my shoulder in silent support. Surprising both of us, I spun around and gave him a quick hug, thankful that my dad was so understanding. I gave him another smile and went to go get the stack of take-out menus. 

* * *

"Spend the night? At your house?" 

"Aw, come on, Yamato," Taichi wheedled. "It'll be fun. It's the weekend, so we can stay up all night eating junk food and watching movies and making fun of the actors. Please? You haven't come round to mine in ages. Not since..." 

Not since Ken—since the _start_ of Ken. I was well aware. "I don't know..." I began uncertainly. It wasn't that I didn't want to go, because I did. But I still had nightmares that woke me screaming most nights, and I didn't want to subject the rest of the household to that, for both our sakes. 

"Pleeeaaase?" He begged, sounding oh so pitiful. "Hikari's having Miyako round and I really don't need another makeover right now." 

I laughed and cringed at the same time. "Miyako's gonna be there? Oh geeze, Taichi, I really don't think so. I don't know her as well as some of the others, and I know she was good friends with Ken." 

"She won't say anything to you, I'll tell Hikari to make sure of that. You'll be hanging out with me most of the night anyways." 

I sighed, knowing I was going to give in but not wanting to make it easy for Taichi. A thought came to me, and I smirked. "I don't think so, Taichi. Honestly I'm a little upset that you're only inviting me so you won't be stuck with Hikari and Miyako all night. It doesn't make me feel very wanted," I said, sniffling a few times for good measure. Okay, so I might have been laying it on a bit thick, and it probably _was_ a bit mean, but I meant it in good fun. 

"What? Are you crying?" he asked, sounding panicked. "It's really not like that!" 

"Somehow I don't believe you," I said with another sniffle. "I'm sorry." I hung up, laughing to myself. No doubt Taichi was staring at the dead phone in his hand, panicking. If I knew him, he'd be calling back in a few minutes, and when I didn't pick up he'd be racing over here as fast as possible. 

While I was waiting, I looked around the house for Dad. I found him in the kitchen, eating a sandwich. I noted he'd used the last of the bread. I made a mental note to buy more the next time I went shopping. 

"Dad?" 

He looked up, noticed me. "Yes?" 

"Since it's Friday, is it alright if I go round to Taichi's for the night?" 

He looked at me, a bit surprised. I could understand. It had been awhile since I'd actually wanted to go anywhere. "Sure," he finally said. "Just be careful, and call me if you need anything." 

"I will." The phone rang then, just as I'd predicted. "Oh and Dad? When you answer that, tell Taichi I'm hiding in my room too upset to talk." 

Dad blinked at me, and I grinned. 

* * *

"I still can't believe you let me think you were that upset," Taichi grumbled as we left my apartment building half an hour later. 

I laughed, in a rare good mood for once. "Sorry. I just couldn't resist messing with you a bit." 

"Well in the future don't mess with me!" he exclaimed huffily. 

I bit back a second laugh at that, a few sexual jokes coming to mind. I didn't voice them however, as the subject of sex between us was still a touchy subject for me, and I didn't want the conversation turning serious. "Fine, I won't do it again," I promised, rolling my eyes. "Geeze, Taichi, have a cow," I teased. 

"Wow, my very own cow! Thanks! Can I name it Tarou?" 

That provoked another eye roll and a shake of the head. "You're nuts sometimes, you know that, right?" 

"Yep!" 

We managed to reach his apartment without anymore craziness after that, and his mom was in the living room to greet us as we came in and took off our shoes. "Hello Yamato, it's good to see you again," Mrs. Yagami said with a smile. I just smiled back at her, still a little uncertain and uncomfortable about being there again. 

"Is it alright if we rent some movies off the TV, Mom?" 

"That's fine, dear, but make sure it's something all four of you can agree on to watch." 

"We might as well not even try to pick then," Taichi complained, but subsided at his mom's warning look. "We will, promise. Come on then," he said to me, "let's go find them." 

A short while later, we'd found them and managed to agree on a few movies. Taichi had apparently talked to his sister, because other than a quick hello which I politely returned, Miyako hadn't really said anything to me. Taichi and Hikari then went back to the kitchen to prepare some snacks and drinks for everyone, and I ducked out into Taichi's bedroom to hide while Miyako hung out in the living room. I was wandering around the room, looking at random stuff and thinking the night might not go so badly after all, when I heard the door creak open behind me. 

I turned around, expecting to see Taichi telling me they were ready, but instead Miyako was standing there. I sort of half-smiled at her, tensing up slightly. 

"Err, hi," she said, blushing. "Sorry, I know Hikari said not to bother you too much, but I got bored. I think they're nearly ready though." 

"Oh, okay," I said, still wary. "Thanks for telling me." 

"Sure." We sat there in a silence for a few moments, a knot of anxiety starting to form in my stomach as she continued to stand in the doorway. Why didn't she leave and go back to the living room already? I hoped Taichi hurried up. I really wanted to get away from her, but she was blocking the only way out. 

"Look, can I ask you something?" she finally said, and then went on without giving me a chance to tell her no. "Were you dating Ken?" 

I stiffened, suddenly plotting to murder Taichi in his sleep. He'd promised she'd leave me alone! Still, I had to admit it wasn't exactly the usual question I got asked about him. "No," I said shortly, hoping she'd shut up and leave me alone now. 

"Oh. Sorry. I wasn't sure. I heard a lot of people around school saying you were, and that you just got scared and cried rape on him..." 

I looked away from her then, my eyes filling with tears that I tried rapidly blinking away. It still stung to hear that accusation, no matter how often I'd heard it before. "I didn't." In my head I was chanting _shut up shut up shut up..._

"I can't imagine Ken doing something like that, though." She carried on talking, oblivious to the hurt she was causing me. "I know he was the Kaiser once, but he'd changed a lot. He was always so quiet and kind... Are you sure you didn't make it up because of a fight or something? I know he was good friends with you too." 

"Shut up," I rasped. My breathing was getting more rapid, my heart pounding... I recognised the signs. A panic attack was imminent. 

_You can't tell... who would believe you? 'Kind, innocent little Ken... he'd never do something like that. What a horrible thing to make up.'_

He'd said that to me once, before I'd tried killing myself. And then he'd laughed. I closed my eyes, hearing that mocking laughter echoing in my head. I was shaking. I couldn't get a breath. Miyako was still going on about how she couldn't believe it. I grabbed onto Taichi's desk in front of me, trying to steady myself. I knew I was supposed to calm down and focus on my breathing, but with Miyako going on it was impossible. "Shut up!" I finally managed to yell in between panicked gulps. "Just shut the hell up already!" 

"Excuse me?" she cried, offended at my seeming rudeness. 

I didn't care. I ignored her and let go of the desk, dropping to the floor. I was trembling too bad to keep standing. I still couldn't manage to hardly breathe, and it was scaring the heck out of me. 

"Whoa, hey, are you okay?" She paused. "Yamato?" 

I didn't answer. I barely even heard her anymore. I was lost in my memories. All I heard was that cruel laughter and the sound of my own ragged gasps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (11 April 2013 0755PM)


	7. Book One - chapter seven - coming out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _in times like these_   
>  _we need to find a way_   
>  _to make a better day_   
>  _keep my feet on the ground turning 'round_   
>  _come what may_
> 
> _everybody_  
>  _everybody needs someone they can lean on_  
>  _everybody needs to lean on someone_  
>  \- **Mavis Staples** , in times like these.

"Do you think this will be enough snacks?" I asked doubtfully, looking at the small pile Hikari and I had amassed.

My sister just laughed, rolling her eyes at me. "If you're still hungry after this, just come out for more, Taichi." 

"I suppose—" I started to say, but the rest of my words were suddenly drowned out by loud yelling—Yamato's voice, floating down the hall from my bedroom. 

"Shut up!" came the cry from the other room. "Just shut the hell up already!" 

"Dammit," I groaned, immediately having a pretty good idea of what had happened. I gave Hikari an annoyed glare. "I thought you talked to her." 

"I did." Hikari frowned, looking irritated herself. "She promised she'd give him space and not mention Ken." 

"Either she couldn't resist or she found some other way to upset him. We'd better get in there," I sighed. 

"Yamato! Yamato, hey, wake up! Yamato!" 

My eyes widened upon hearing Miyako's suddenly panicked cries, and I abandoned the food entirely, racing towards my bedroom, already knowing that whatever awaited me wasn't going to be good. Why had I thought this night would be a good idea? 

Hikari _and_ Mom and Dad were hot on my heels, and we arrived to find Miyako shaking Yamato a little bit, who was curled in a ball on the floor in front of my desk, trembling and gasping desperately for breath. It didn't take a second glance to tell me he was stuck in another memory-filled panic attack. "Get away from him!" I shouted at her, instantly angry beyond all belief. I didn't know what the hell she'd done, but I just _knew_ she was the one responsible for his current state of distress. It didn't matter to me that it likely hadn't been on purpose. She'd been warned, how hard was it to just keep it casual and friendly? 

"Taichi, help!" she said in relief, stepping away from him. "I came in and said hi and he just started freaking out on me!" 

"I highly doubt that," I snarled at her, and then went over to Yamato, dropping down beside him. Hikari thankfully grabbed Miyako's arm and led her out of the room, probably calming her or some such nonsense. 

"Yamato?" I said softly, though I wasn't expecting an answer. I was hesitant to touch him, not sure what memories he was reliving, or what Miyako's shaking had done to him. My parents were still hovering in the room uncertainly, clearly at a loss on how to help, but I ignored them, wanting to focus only on Yamato for the moment. "Yamato," I said firmly, careful to keep my voice at an even, steady tone. "It's Taichi. You're safe here, you're fine, no one is hurting you. You're safe, Yamato. You're not being hurt and no one plans to hurt you." I kept this up, pausing every so often to listen to his breathing, to see if he was calming down any. 

"Is he okay?" Dad asked, but I ignored them, continuing my calming mantra. 

"Honey, should we call his father?" Mom asked, uncertainty and worry in her voice. 

"No!" I yelled at them, annoyed at their interruptions. "I've got this! Please, just leave," I asked, softening my voice when I realised it was scaring Yamato. They gave the two of us more worried looks, but did as I asked. 

I didn't know how long I sat there, doing my best to reassure him, but eventually his breathing steadied out and he seemed to become aware of his surroundings again, blinking and looking around the room before focusing on me. Clarity came back into his eyes, and shame and despair crossed his face. "I did it again," he said in a near whisper, his voice wavering a bit. 

I shook my head dismissively at him. "It's okay. No one expects you to magically be recovered overnight. Are you okay for the moment?" 

He shrugged at me, and then after a moment's seeming contemplation, as if he was really assessing himself, he nodded. 

"Will you be okay if I leave for a moment? I need to let my parents know you're fine. They were worried." 

"Yeah," he said softly. Slowly he uncurled, and pulled himself off the floor to deposit himself on the bottom bunk of my bed. Once there, he immediately pressed himself up against the wall, drawing his knees against his chest and wrapping his arms around them. He was so quiet and upset, it reminded me of the night we'd become official. At least he was talking this time, though I found little comfort in the fact. I wished he didn't have to hurt anymore. 

I gave him a worried look and then left the room, heading towards the living room where I figured my parents would be, hoping I could talk to them quickly and then get back to Yamato. I wanted to be by his side, giving him what small, silent support I could. But before I even made it that far, I ran into my sister in the kitchen, still trying to comfort Miyako. Upon seeing that, all my anger at her came flooding back full force, and I completely lost it. 

"Have you gone _insane_?" I shouted at her. I still didn't know what she'd said or done, but to me that didn't make it any less her fault. Yamato already went through enough at school and with other people, he didn't need what was supposed to be a safe space turning into hell too. And Miyako was supposed to be one of us, she should have known better. "What the hell were you thinking! Hikari specifically asked you to give Yamato space and not bring up anything that might upset him!" 

"I just... I went in to tell him we were almost ready to watch the movies," she replied, cringing away from me and tearing up a bit. "I didn't do anything to him, he just started flipping out like that!" 

"Oh please," I sneered at her, seething with rage that she'd bother to lie. "Yamato's not going to flip just at the sight of you. You said something to him, didn't you?! Something to do with Ken, or what happened to him. Something you promised you wouldn't do!" 

"No!" she cried, a few tears sliding down her cheeks. "I mean, yes, I asked him if they'd been dating, but that was it! I didn't ask him anything else, I wasn't doing anything to upset him!" 

"If you weren't doing anything to upset him, then why was he in the middle of a damn panic attack when I went in there? Why was he shouting at you to shut up? You shouldn't have said anything at all!" 

"Taichi, stop!" my sister yelled at me, coming to stand in between us. "Can't you see she feels bad enough already without you having to scream at her?" 

"Then she should have thought of that before she started upsetting Yamato! Besides, you're only defending her because of your crush on her! If you were thinking clearly you'd be on my side!" 

"Taichi!" Hikari reached out and slapped me across the cheek, then stood there staring at me, eyes wide and skin pale with shock. I stared back at her in surprise, my cheek stinging, and went back over my words in my head, only then realising what I'd done. 

I'd given Hikari's secret away. 

"Hikari, shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." 

"Shut up!" she screamed at me, starting to cry as presumably the reality of my outing her began to sink in. "Just shut up! How could you? I hate you, Taichi!" 

"Alright, what's going on now?" Dad asked, looking resigned as he and Mom came into the kitchen to see what _this_ commotion was about. 

I didn't bother to answer, just stormed past them to head back to my bedroom with Yamato, while my sister stormed off in the opposite direction to the living room, leaving Miyako to stand in the middle of the kitchen in shock. My parents could only stand and watch the three of us in complete confusion. 

"Is everything okay?" Yamato asked me when I stalked back into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. "I heard yelling." 

I just shook my head at him, not up to discussing what had just happened yet. "I don't want to talk about it right now. Maybe later," I muttered. 

He wisely dropped it, and we sat and watched one of my movies in silence. So much for a great night. 

* * *

"Sorry it turned out so terrible," I said apologetically the next morning. I was standing at the front door of our apartment, seeing Yamato off. I'd offered to walk him home, but he'd declined since our buildings were just right across from each other. The night had mostly been a bust. After the movie we'd watched had ended, he'd finally told me what Miyako had said to him to set him, and in return I'd told him of the fight I'd gotten into in the kitchen, and what I'd accidentally done to Hikari, swearing him to secrecy about her sexuality, feeling guilty still that I was telling him. After that, the mood in the room had been pretty low, and we'd decided to just go to bed. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't ever come round to my place again. 

"It's fine," he muttered, waving it off. "It's not your fault Miyako said those things. I just wish your parents hadn't seen me like that..." 

"They won't hold it against you or anything. They were a little confused and worried at first, yeah, but they get it. Look, are you sure you don't want me to walk home with you?" It wasn't a far walk at all, but I really was just looking for an excuse to get out of the apartment, and away from Hikari, who was undoubtedly still very angry with me, not that I didn't deserve it. 

"No, it's fine Taichi, really. Besides, you should stay and try to fix things with Hikari." 

I made a face. Trust Yamato to see right through me. I knew he was right, but a pissed off Hikari was a scary thing I'd learned to stay away from years ago. "I suppose I should," I mumbled. 

"Yes, you should. Now, I'm going to go home. Call me later and let me know how it went, okay?" 

I sighed. "I will." After checking behind me to make sure my parents hadn't come in the room, I leaned in and gave him a quick kiss, then waved a goodbye and shut the door. Once he was gone, I stood motionlessly in the living room for a bit, knowing Hikari was in the kitchen and not wanting to face her. Yamato _was_ right though, I really needed to make things right with my sister, and putting it off would only make things worse. And yet, I was genuinely anxious about talking to her, not sure if she would even acknowledge me after what I'd done. Even if Miyako had fucked up last night, and even if my anger with her was justified, that didn't give me the right to out my sister to her. 

Finally, however, I decided to just suck it up and get it over with. I didn't want the anxiety of it hanging over my head. I made my way into the kitchen, where Hikari was doing some homework at the table while Mom was at the counter making lunch preparations, chatting casually at her every so often. I took a deep breath, mentally preparing myself to face the wrath of an angry Hikari, then spoke in the calmest voice I could manage. "Hikari, can I talk to you for a minute?" 

She didn't even look up at me, just continued printing neat lines of characters down the page. "I'm busy," she said, and her voice was so cold I winced. This might be tougher than I thought... 

Mom looked up from where she was mumbling to herself about not having the right sort of spices or something, and smiled over at us both. "Go on, Hikari, take a break from your homework and see what he wants. You've been at that for quite a while now." I smiled back at Mom briefly, mentally thanking her. She knew we weren't talking, even if she didn't know _why_ , and she was giving me the chance to apologise to my sister that she knew my sister wouldn't give me. 

Hikari glared down at her paper upon hearing Mom's words, but after a moment she grudgingly shut her books and followed me down the hall to my room. 

I shut the door after us, then turned back to her. She was sitting on the bottom bunk of my bed already, stubbornly not looking at me. 

I took another deep breath, bracing myself. I decided to keep it simple. "Hikari, I'm sorry." There. I'd said it. 

"So?" Her voice was still cold. I sighed. Clearly simple wasn't going to work. 

"I was just upset and scared last night. It doesn't matter how many times it happens, it's still hard seeing Yamato like that. And knowing that Miyako pushed him into that, after promising she wouldn't... I know that doesn't give me the right to do what I did, but I didn't really mean to do it. I never would have if I was thinking clearly. I'm really, really sorry. Please, Hikari, please forgive me? I hate it when you're upset with me." 

"I don't care," she said, but her voice was wavering now. 

"You do, and I swear I would take it back if I could," I told her, truly meaning it. As mad as I was at Miyako, I'd regretted what I'd said the second I'd realised what I had done. I'd wanted to hit myself for how stupid I'd been. 

"She barely talked to me!" Hikari cried, finally breaking. "The whole night, I don't think she said more than five words to me! And she left practically as soon as we got out of bed this morning; if she could have left last night, she would have. She hates me now, and it's your fault!" 

Could she make me feel any worse? "Oh come on, I doubt she hates you. She's probably just surprised and doesn't know what to say to you yet. I'm sure she'll come around if you just give her time." 

"Why did you have to go and open your big mouth? I should have never told you!" 

I cringed. Clearly she could. "I really am so sorry, Hikari. Please don't be mad at me anymore. Please?" 

"You hurt me, Taichi." 

I sighed, and dropped down on the bed next to her, reaching over to give her a hug. "I know I did, Hikari. I never meant to. I never would on purpose. I'm so sorry." 

She pulled away from me and closed her eyes, pressing her hands into them. She was silent for a few moments, and I stayed quiet as well, not wanting to press her and make her even angrier. Finally she sighed, and pulled her hands away, looking over at me. "I know you are," she whispered, leaning back into me. "You were mostly just scared, and I know how fear makes you react. I do forgive you, even if I'm still a little mad at you." 

I smiled, hugely relieved she wasn't going to keep holding a grudge. "Thank you. And Hikari, I really do think she'll come around. Just give her some time. Okay?" 

She didn't look certain, but she nodded at me nonetheless. "I hope so, Taichi." 

* * *

A little while later, I was sitting at my desk and actually attempting to do some homework when I just barely heard a knock at the front door. Knowing Mom and Hikari had gone out grocery shopping and Dad had gone into work this morning, I would have to be the one to answer it. Abandoning my books with a sigh of relief, I went to the door and pulled it open. 

"Mimi?" I asked in surprise, hardly expecting to see her standing there. Sure, we were good enough friends, but we didn't really hang out that often lately, and definitely never showed up at each others' places unannounced, Digital World related emergencies barring. 

She smiled at me. "Hi, Taichi!" she said brightly. 

"Did you... need something?" I asked, a bit confused. 

She shrugged, still smiling. "It's a nice day out. Wanna go get some ice cream with me?" 

I grinned at her. I still wasn't quite sure what was going on, but hey, food was food. "Now how could I say no to that?" I stepped back to let her in. "Come in, sit for a minute while I go get ready." 

"Thanks." She came in, taking a seat on our sofa and looking around. "Wow, I think it looked like this the last time I was here. It never changes, does it?" 

"Not really," I told her as I ducked into my bedroom to put my homework away and get changed into something better. "It works for us, so Mom and Dad are content to leave it the way it is. I suppose it's been awhile since you've been here, huh?" 

"Not since I moved back to Odaiba, I think," she called out to me. 

"Well, we see each other at school every day, so it doesn’t really seem that long," I said, suddenly feeling a little bad it had been that long. Really, I'd barely hung out with any of my other friends the past couple months, having been busy trying to help Yamato. And even when I wasn't with him, I was running errands for my mom, or trying to stay caught up on homework, or occasionally hanging out with my other friends, or was too emotionally drained to handle socialising... It's a wonder I wasn't falling apart myself. 

I quickly dug through my dresser drawers, grabbing the only clean shirt left that wasn't a school uniform. I pulled it over my head, grinning a little when I realised it was my old 'triangle' shirt. I hadn't worn this one in a while; I was surprised it still fit. Yamato used to tease me often when I'd wear it. "What, you need a shirt to help you keep your shapes straight?" he'd ask. I would just laugh and tell him, "Of course." Now I wondered if he'd ever be that carefree again... 

Shaking off my suddenly morbid thoughts, I finished getting dressed and went back out to meet Mimi. "Shall we go?" I asked her, smiling and holding my arm out to her in an exaggerated grand gesture. 

She grinned back at me, standing and taking it. "Let's go." 

* * *

"Alright, Mimi. Not that I don't love ice cream, but what's up? I thought you usually hung out with Sora on Saturdays." We'd decided to walk around the park a bit after getting our cones, just enjoying the sunny day and talking about nothing in particular, but I'd noticed that for all her smiles, Mimi seemed a little down. 

My question only served to make her look even sadder, and she stopped her wandering to take a seat on a nearby park bench. I took a seat next to her and waited for her to answer. 

"Sora's got another date," she admitted quietly, looking down at her melting ice cream. "She actually doesn't hang out with me all that much anymore, we seem to be drifting apart." 

I winced, genuinely feeling for her. "I'm sorry, Mimi, I wish that wasn't happening... I can only imagine how much I'd hate it if something like that happened to me and Yamato." 

"Yeah," she said sadly. "I don't know what to do, any time I try to make plans with her, she's always got some reason or excuse to not hang out, or else she cancels on me. I tried to call her out on it, but she said it was just my imagination and that we saw each other plenty. I think I'm giving up. I don't want to keep getting hurt." 

I felt bad, both for her and about myself. I'd had no idea their friendship was having so much trouble, but I felt like I should have. Somehow, I needed to start making time for my other friends again. Time outside of school. I needed to know what was going on in their lives, and be someone they could turn to in times of need, just like I was for Yamato. "Mimi..." 

She shook her head, taking a bite of her ice cream before it melted onto her hand, her face blanking momentarily as she visibly pushed the sadness away. It was clear that she didn't want to discuss it or dwell on it anymore. "It's okay, Taichi, I'll be fine. It doesn't matter anyways, my dad will probably move us back to New York at some point. Besides, what's up with you and Yamato?" 

Well, that wasn't at all subtle... Still, I took pity on her, and let her have her subject change. "What do you mean?" 

"Just that there's something different between you two." She shrugged, and finished the last bite of her cone. "I've noticed it at lunch. I can't really explain it. You two just act... different." 

I grinned a bit sheepishly, then laughed as a sudden gust of wind sent her pink hair flying in every direction, tangling all across her face. Well, Yamato never said we couldn't tell people, and he _had_ told his entire band without asking me first... I took the chance while she was distracted trying to get her hair back under control. "Well, I suppose that's because we're dating now," I said calmly, acting cool, even though inside my heart was thumping nervously, scared how she might take it. I didn't _really_ think she would take it badly, but then, Ken had taught me I could never really be sure about a person, no matter how well I thought I'd known them. 

"Well, that explains it... wait, what?" She stopped struggling with her hair to stare at me. 

"We're dating," I repeated anxiously. "For almost a month now." Although it occurred to me as I spoke, that technically Yamato and I hadn't even officially been on a first date yet. I wasn't sure if he'd really be up for one, he still had a tendency to hide away in his room when he wasn't at school. Perhaps I could drag him out for his birthday tomorrow, make up for the fiasco that had been last night. 

Mimi squealed, breaking me out of my thoughts. "You are?" she cried, grabbing my hands in excitement and bouncing up and down a bit on the bench. "Taichi, that's great!" 

I laughed, relieved she was taking it well, and smiled widely at her. "It really is," I agreed. 

"I'm so happy for you two!" she enthused. "I knew something was different, but I hadn't guessed you two had finally gotten together! This is really great!" 

"Wait, what do you mean finally?" I demanded. If Mimi and the others had been betting on Yamato and me the way his band had... 

"Oh please, Taichi, everyone can tell you two have been crushing on each other for ages now. We all knew it was only a matter of time before one of you asked the other out. Who _did_ finally ask?" 

I groaned in annoyance. " _Please_ don't tell me you guys bet on us too," I grumbled at her. "And I asked him." 

"Ha! I knew it would be you, Mr. Courage. And who's been betting?" 

I blushed, rolling my eyes at her. "Hush. Yamato's band took bets on which of us would ask the other." 

She shook her head, an amused smirk on her face. "Just like them. So who else knows about you two?" 

I stood up, feeling restless from sitting so long. I didn't like staying still in one place. I wanted to walk, to stretch my legs some. I gestured for her to stand as well, which she did amicably enough, finally tying her hair back in the meantime as the wind had started to pick up more. "Not that many people, really," I answered her as we started down the path. "All of Yamato's band knows, of course. Hikari knows, and I think Takeru might. Weirdly enough, Tadaji Sensei knows... Other than that, I think Mr. Ishida knows, and that's it." 

"Mr. Ishida knows... Your parents don't?" 

I shook my head. "No, they don't know." 

"Why not?" 

I shrugged. "Just... scared to tell them, I guess." Really, just the thought of them knowing was enough to send bolts of anxiety shooting through my stomach. I honestly had no clue how they would react, and I was afraid to find out. 

"Your parents love you, and they seem like reasonable people. Surely they wouldn't take it badly?" 

"I don't know. I've thought about it before, and sometimes I get the feeling like Mom might suspect and be fine with it, but I'm afraid to find out I was wrong." 

"I'm sure they would be okay with it. You should consider it, Taichi," she told me sincerely. 

"Believe me, I have been, for weeks now. I just still don't know if I'm ready." 

"Well, I have faith it will all work out! Hey, do you want to go the mall and shop some? I hear they're having a great sale today!" 

I laughed. Now there was the Mimi I knew and loved. "Sure, why not?" I knew she was just trying to cheer us both up in her own way, but I appreciated her friendship all the same. And in the meantime, if I was lucky, maybe I could get her to share some first date tips with me. 

* * *

After a couple hours of wandering the mall with Mimi, my feet were aching and my arms were loaded down with bags of our purchases. Well, mostly hers. I finally had to beg off any more stores, saying that I had a ton of homework to still do, and I still had to plan mine and Yamato's first date for his birthday. 

Mimi dropped me off at my apartment, and after I waved goodbye I went to my room and flopped down on my bed, once again thinking on whether to tell my parents I was gay. Mr. Ishida had been pretty okay with it, once he'd gotten over the shock I suppose. And I really did think Mom at least suspected I was gay... Dad was rather oblivious to things. I’d inherited the same trait from him, after all. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon debating back and forth with myself, wanting to tell them but being afraid to. My homework was completely neglected, but by the time Mom called me in for supper, with Hikari's help I'd finally made up my mind. I was going to tell them. Being the Keeper of Courage had to count for something. 

Dinner was a quiet affair, with Dad doing most of the talking about his half day at the office and Mom nodding in all the right places. I didn't really talk, or even eat much, pushing my food around my plate as my nerves twisted anxious knots in my stomach. By now I was mostly just worried about how Dad would take the news. Hikari didn't eat much either, choosing instead to watch me with concerned eyes. 

Once everyone looked as if they were more or less finished, I finally spoke up. "Mom? Dad?" 

They both turned towards me. "Yes, Taichi?" Mom asked, getting up to start clearing the table and cleaning the kitchen up. 

I swallowed. It was now or never. "Can I... can I talk to you guys? It's important," I added, gaining their curiosity. 

"Of course," Mom said, abandoning the dishes to focus on me. "Shall we go into the living room?" 

"Sure," I said, nodding. 

"Do you want me to leave?" Hikari asked me. "I could stay in here and clean." 

I shook my head. "Stay with us. Moral support is good." 

She smiled at me, reassuring me. "Okay." 

We all relocated to the living room then, and after my parents were seated comfortably on the couch, I stood in front of them and took a deep breath, steadying myself. Hikari, sensing just how nervous I was, grasped my hand and squeezed it, silently offering her support. 

Feeling slightly more calm, I decided to just jump right in to it. "I wanted to tell you guys, well... I like boys. I'm gay." There. I’d said it. It wasn’t quite the weight off my shoulders I’d expected, even though I did feel a little lighter for having said it. 

There was surprised silence for a moment, as both of my parents took a moment to process what I had just said. Then Mom surprised me by grinning and exclaiming, "I knew it!" 

I blinked, then grinned back, a bit rueful. "I had a feeling you might have known." I paused, looking at Dad. He didn't look angry or disgusted, just surprised, which I was hoping was a good sign. "So... is it okay?" 

"Oh honey, of course," Mom said quickly. "Taichi, you're my son and you always will be, no matter what. I love you and accept you no matter who you choose to love." 

"Thanks, love you too," I said, blinking back a few sudden tears. "Dad?" I asked timidly, starting to worry. He had yet to say a word, and I was afraid of what he might be thinking. 

He shook his head, as if to clear it, then looked up at me. "What your mother said. Only less eloquently." He grinned. 

I smiled back hesitantly. "So you're really okay with it?" 

"Taichi, I'm not going to lie to you. I never suspected it, so it is a bit of shock to me. But like your mother, it doesn't matter to me if you like boys. I love you anyways. Okay?" 

I nodded, feeling overwhelmed. In my wildest imaginings, I had never pictured my parents to be this accepting. Certainly not right away. My dad was always making jokes about me and girls, at my most hopeful I had figured he would be at least disappointed, if not more. 

Hikari nudged me then, breaking me out of my musing and reminding me that there was still more I'd planned to tell them, if things went okay. 

"Right. Um, there's still one other thing." 

"What is it?" Mom asked encouragingly, and was that a knowing glint I saw in her eyes? 

"Yamato and I... we've kind of been more than friends for about a month now." 

"So you two _are_ dating? I had suspected." 

"Is there anything you _didn't_ suspect?" I wondered. 

Mom smiled mischievously. "Of course not, I'm a mom, moms know everything." 

We all laughed then, and I knew everything would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (28 December 2013 1107AM)


	8. Book One - chapter eight - blame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _you’re too mean, I don’t like you, fuck you anyway_  
>  _you make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs_  
>  _it hurts but I won’t fight you_  
>  _you suck anyway_  
>  _you make me wanna die_  
>  \- **The Neighbourhood** , afraid.

I walked into the apartment to find my dad sitting at the table in the kitchen, presumably drinking coffee, if the delicious smell wafting in the air was anything to go by. I nodded a subdued greeting at him as I headed in to get some water, still feeling down after my panic attack at Taichi's last night.

"Welcome back," Dad greeted me. "Did you have a good time at Taichi's?" 

I paused in pulling a glass out of the cabinet. I didn't really see the point in telling him. He'd only worry needlessly. "Yeah..." I hesitated. "It was fine." Which, once the panic attack was over, it was fine. Mostly. If extremely awkward at times. 

I glanced over at Dad as I headed to the sink. He looked a bit confused, but left it alone. "Alright. I was planning on heading out to the store in a minute, to pick up a few essentials. Anything you need?" 

"Um..." I thought for a second, and then quickly rattled off a list of a few things I knew we needed. "I think I'll go out and take a walk in the park while you're gone, if that's okay?" Not that I was willing to admit it to Dad, but especially after last night there was no way I was staying in the apartment alone. Being alone outside was scary, too, but somehow less so than the apartment. Perhaps because out in the open I at least had a fighting chance of getting away from anyone that might hurt me. 

"Of course. Just call me if you're going to be out real late, okay? And be careful." 

I nodded my assent, and after ducking in my room to grab a jacket I headed out. It had been cloudy all day, and was a little chilly outside. Besides, if it happened to rain, I had no desire to get caught out in it without anything warm. 

Once outside the apartment building, I paused, looking around to make sure it was safe. I no longer left the apartment alone without checking for Kento or any of his gang. However, seeing no one in sight, I decided it was fine and headed off in the direction of the park. On the way, I couldn't help but think about Ken, memories of him stirred up in my head by Miyako's questions last night. 

All I could think about was that second time, when I'd invited him round to try and fix our friendship, and instead woke up in the night to find him in my bed, hands down my pants, slowly jerking me to hardness. I'd opened my mouth to protest, to cry out maybe, but he'd just calmly put one hand over my mouth and kept the other where it was, continuously touching me. He'd started talking quietly, telling me that it was my fault for flirting with him, leading him on, that it was only what I deserved... 

I reached the big tree that was my favourite, the one us Chosen used to have picnics under, and sat down beneath it, squeezing my eyes shut tight against all the onrushing memories of Ken's attacks, gradually getting increasingly rougher and violent the longer they went on. "Get out get out get out," I whispered, trying to force it all out of my head. 

"Yamato?" 

Surprised at hearing a familiar voice speaking my name, I opened my eyes to find Dr. Kaos standing in front of me. 

Quickly I brushed away a few stray tears with my hands. "Dr. Kaos," I said. "What are you doing here? How come you're not at the hospital?" 

"Even doctors have an occasional day off," he said with a laugh. 

I felt my face growing warm at my lack of thought. "Oh," I said stupidly. "I guess so." 

He surprised me even more when he joined me in sitting underneath the tree, his back against the trunk. "Are you okay, Yamato?" he asked. "You looked a bit distressed." 

I sighed, not answering him right away. We sat in silence for awhile before I finally spoke. "My friends and I used to come here on weekends a lot, when we were younger. We'd have these big gatherings for the afternoon, usually with food, and we'd hang around and talk and play soccer..." I grew quiet, remembering those happy days, when I was still innocent, still unaware of the greater horrors of the world. "We never meet here anymore." I added. 

"Do you miss those days?" he asked me. 

"Sometimes," I said. "The world was easier then. None of us had started drifting apart from each other yet. We were all relatively innocent, and carefree. Ken was still... I hadn't made him..." I trailed off and closed my eyes again, struggling against the urge to start crying. 

I heard him sigh. "Yamato, has anyone told you yet that what Ken did to you was in no way your fault?" 

I snapped my eyes back open, tears momentarily forgotten in my shock. I'd never before dared to mention to anyone that I blamed myself. That would have meant admitting just how it was my fault, and I was too ashamed of myself for that. "How did you...?" 

"A lot of rape victims tend to blame themselves. And the way you phrased that about Ken, that you 'hadn't made him' suggests you do blame yourself for the things he did." 

I squirmed uncomfortably, not liking the feeling of being read so easily. "It is my fault though," I admitted in a whisper. 

"Why? Why is it your fault that he decided to take what he wanted without any regard to you or what _you_ wanted?" 

"Because... because I flirted with him!" I burst out, suddenly furious with myself. "I could tell he had a crush on me, he wasn't exactly subtle about it, and I was flattered! I didn't like him that way at all, but I liked the attention he gave me, so I flirted with him until he got brave enough to ask me out." And with that confession, I couldn't hold it back anymore. I started outright sobbing. I'd carried this around with me for months, constantly hating myself for how I'd behaved to someone I supposedly considered a close friend, and now it was finally out. 

"I deserved everything he did to me when I turned him down, I led him on and made him think he had a chance. It was all my fault and we both knew it!" I buried my face in my hands, completely ashamed and hating that I was crying so openly in public and in front of someone I respected a great deal, but I just couldn't help it. 

"Yamato, look at me. Please." It was such a pure, gentle request that I couldn't help but automatically do as he asked, even though I didn't want him seeing me in such a state. "Now, have you ever known me to lie to you about anything?" 

I shook my head silently, tears still trickling slowly down my cheeks. 

"Then please believe me when I say this: It was not. Your. Fault. At all. You didn't deserve it, any of it." 

"But I—" 

"Yes, okay, you flirted with him. You liked the attention. That only makes you human, nothing more. Should you have done it? Probably not, but you're still just a teenager, and teenagers often do thoughtless things. Regardless, that still does not give him the right to rape and abuse you for it. Tell me something. Your boyfriend that came to visit you in the hospital, what was his name, Taichi? If he'd started flirting with you and you finally decided to ask him out, only to get turned down, would you rape him for it?" 

"Of course not!" I cried, feeling sick to my stomach at the thought. At least I'd stopped crying. "Even if he turned me down, he'd still be my best friend and I'd still love him, I could never hurt him that way." 

"Well, isn't the same true for Ken? Were you not his best friend and someone he claimed to love?" 

"I—That's different," I said feebly, starting to feel the first niggling tendrils of doubt. 

"How is it different?" 

"I let him, I mean, I didn't want it, but—" I hesitated, drawing in a ragged breath, before finally letting out the rest of my awful secret. "The second time it happened, I woke up to him doing it. And he was saying all these things. About how it was my fault, that I'd brought it on myself, that he couldn't help himself—" 

"Yamato—" 

"—so when I woke up and realised what he was doing, and heard what he was saying, I didn't try to stop him. I didn't want it, but I didn't fight him. Because I knew he was _right_. I deserved it. And then he kept doing it, and I hated it, and he knew I hated it, but I always kept letting him, because it was my fault. I didn't start trying to fight him until he started getting rough, and violent..." I stopped, memories overwhelming me again, leaving me to swipe at my tear-soaked face in despair. 

Dr. Kaos shook his head at me. The expression on his face was so full of sorrow that I couldn't help but cry even harder when I saw it. I didn't deserve such sympathy. "That doesn't make it different. He was manipulating you, playing on your emotions and your guilt to keep you from resisting. Even though he knew you 'hated it,' as you put it, he kept on doing it. He completely disregarded your feelings and needs, selfishly putting his wants first. Again, if it were you and Taichi, would you keep going if you knew that Taichi didn't like it?" 

"No! No, I wouldn't, I would never," I insisted, digging my nails into the palm of my hand. The whole idea was too distressing, I couldn't stand thinking about it. "I told you, I'd never hurt Taichi like that, I care too much about him—" 

"Then how is it different?" 

"I don't know!" I cried, throwing my hands up in the air frantically before letting them flop back down to my lap, starting to get upset at the whole conversation. "It just is! For one, Taichi's not like me, he wouldn't flirt just for attention! And I'm not... not..." 

"Not what?" Dr. Kaos prodded me. 

"Not like Ken," I sobbed out hoarsely, tears coming back full force. "I don't have a cruel streak locked away." 

"So you can admit that what Ken did was cruel, whether you deserved it or not?" 

"Yes," I whispered. I sat there in misery, my whole body trembling with the force of my sobs. I continued talking, the words pouring out of me in a torrent of shame I was helpless to stop. "The first time, I was too shocked to fight him or tell anyone. That second time... when he spent the whole time telling me it was my fault and I deserved it, and I let him, every time I'd think about fighting him off or telling my dad or somebody, but then I'd remember how I led him on, and I'd wind up just laying there and doing whatever he said... But I never liked it, I never wanted it! He knew that I didn't, he'd tell me sometimes that I could at least 'pretend' like I was enjoying myself, that I should try to want it more since I deserved it. I couldn't like it. I wished he'd stop. I hated him, hated how cruel he was being, hated that he wasn't the friend I thought. But he was right, I did deserve it! I deserved all of it, no matter how awful he kept getting!" 

"Nobody deserves that, Yamato" he told me, still watching me with that sad look on his face. 

"But it sure as hell feels like it," I sniffed. 

He grew silent after that, and we sat there quietly for awhile as I took the chance to try and calm down. Eventually my sobs lessened again, and I wiped my tears away as best as I could, taking a few steadying breaths. The last thing I wanted was to end up in another panic attack. 

I looked at the world around me. It was a nice sunny day out, if a bit windy, but the sun was warm enough to keep the bite of the chill breeze at bay. There were a lot of people in the park, enjoying the comfortable spring weather. Many were smiling, laughing, having a good time. I was sure a good many of them had never had anything really bad touch their lives, but I knew there were also probably people who _had_. Yet they were out here now, enjoying themselves, having a good time... 

I longed to be like them. To put all the bad stuff completely out of my mind for good, to forget any of it ever happened, to be happy again. There was so much of the world I was still missing, so many good things yet to come... And yet there I was, sitting there dwelling on all my problems, crying over them, letting them drag me down to darkness. I should just be forgetting about them, working to get over them, going out and truly enjoying the world again. It was just so hard when they constantly affected how I lived my life now. 

But I didn't know how to fix it, and I was too ashamed to ask for help. 

"Yamato, have you ever considered going to therapy?" Dr. Kaos asked suddenly, as if sensing the direction my thoughts had taken. 

I shook my head. "Don't want or need it," I mumbled. 

"I disagree, I think you could benefit greatly from it. I'm obviously not qualified to make any official diagnosis, but from our conversation today and observing some of your behaviour when I've seen you previously this past month, I think there's a good chance you're developing PTSD." 

"I heard you and Dad talking about it, the last time you stopped by the apartment," I confessed. 

He nodded, not looking at all surprised at having been overheard. "Do you know what PTSD is?" 

"Not really." 

"It stands for post traumatic stress disorder. Some people who have been through traumatic experiences, such as the sexual abuse you experienced, can develop it. People who have it often have recurring flashbacks and nightmares of the trauma they experienced. They tend to develop an increased startle response, become more hyper-vigilant, avoid anything they associate with the trauma... they will often try their best to avoid thinking about the trauma, or to stop feeling anything associated with it. Does any of this sound like what you might be going through now?" 

It did. It sounded a lot like what I was dealing with. But I didn't want it, didn't want to have deal with all of it, didn't want to have to admit I needed help, didn't want to go to a complete stranger and pour my heart out. I couldn't admit it to him. So I just shrugged, and looked down at the ground, using my finger to trace random patterns in the dirt. 

I heard the rustle of clothes as he got to his feet, and looked up. He sighed, looking down at me with a sad and worried look on his face. "I can't force you into therapy anymore than your dad can. But please consider it seriously, Yamato. There's still too much good in the world and your life for you to let this break you. Take care." 

I watched him walk away, and let the guilt and uncertainty eat at me. 

* * *

"I ran into Mrs. Yagami at the store earlier." 

I paused in the middle of shedding my jacket, caught off-guard. I certainly wasn't expecting to be ambushed by Dad almost as soon as I stepped in the door. "Huh?" 

"Taichi's mother?" 

"I know who she is, Dad. I'm just not sure why you're telling me..." 

"She told me what happened last night." 

Well shit. That was just great. "Oh." 

Dad frowned at me disapprovingly, crossing his arms across his chest. "Oh? That's all you have to say?" 

I sighed, then tossed my jacket onto the couch and headed to the kitchen for some water and aspirin. All the crying I'd done at the park earlier had given me a killer headache. So far this had been a pretty bad weekend. I should have just done what I usually did, and stayed in my room the whole weekend. 

Dad got up from the couch, following me. He stood there in the doorway between the two rooms, watching me. He still looked upset. "Why didn't you call me? Or at least tell me earlier?" 

I waited until I had swallowed down two pills before bothering to reply. "Why? What could you have done, besides needlessly worry?" 

"That's not the point, the point is I'm your father and I would like to know when something serious concerning you happens." 

I groaned, and pulled out a chair to sit down. I could already tell this was going to be an annoying conversation. Exactly the reason I hadn't told him earlier. I was already upset enough over what had happened at Taichi's, and now with my upsetting conversation with Dr. Kaos earlier, this was the last thing I was in the mood to deal with. 

“I didn’t really think it was a big deal,” I told him tiredly. 

“Not a big deal? Mrs. Yagami said it took Taichi nearly an hour to get you calmed down!” 

"It was one incident, Dad!" I exclaimed heatedly. I couldn't deal with this one more second. "One minor incident that's already happened several times before! Do you realise how insufferable you've been this past week? Why do you have to know every little thing about my life now?!" I was suddenly just so tired of him _pushing_ all the time, always wanting to know every single thing that happened to me now, overreacting about the slightest things that went wrong with me. In the week since I'd been out of the hospital, he'd tried hard several times to get me to tell him what had happened, especially after I'd opened up to him about Taichi. He'd also been more alert about me having panic attacks and nightmares, hovering over me at any potential sign of one starting, and not leaving me alone for hours after if one did. It had been nice having him worry over me at first, but now it just felt suffocating. 

"What, you want me to stay out of it?" Dad retorted angrily. He stalked over to the table, yanking out a chair of his own to sit in. "'Oh, it's okay Yamato, go ahead and try to kill yourself, it's fine. I'll be sure to invite your brother to the funeral.' Or maybe when Akira dragged me into the hallway at the hospital and told me you'd possibly been _raped_ while you were lying ten feet away with your wrists slashed up, I should have just brushed it aside and ignored what was happening?" 

"That's not fair!" I shouted back. "You have no right to attack me like that! It's not like that! I'm not saying you shouldn't be concerned about me. You're my dad, you're going to worry, I _get_ that, okay? But since I got out of the hospital last week, you've been non-stop hovering over me, and always trying to get me to talk about it! You don't have to _push_ all the time, and worry over every minor thing that happens!" I paused to rub my forehead a moment, which was now throbbing in agony. Stupid headache. I was so tired of all this. I just wanted everything to be the way it was before. I just wanted to be _normal_ again. 

Though his face was red with anger, Dad stayed quiet, so I went on with my rant. "All the time now, it's always asking me to talk, asking what happened, asking what's wrong, getting over protective if I look like I _might_ panic, always wanting to know _every_. _little_. _thing_. Sometimes I just want you to stop!" 

"I can't stop! I can't just turn it off, Yamato, it doesn't work like that!" Dad roared back as he slammed a fist down on the table, the anger finally getting the best of him. He took a deep breath and stopped for a moment, put a hand over his eyes. "You have no idea... When I came home that night, and saw you lying there, so still, with all that blood pooled around... I never want to see something like that again," he said, much quieter, looking back up at me. I'd rarely seen my dad look so serious. It was disconcerting. 

"What?" My face reflected the complete confusion in my voice. I raised my eyes to his, trying to figure out how we'd suddenly gotten here. "Who said anything about killing myself? I don't want to die!" 

He shook his head. "Maybe not consciously, but when you panic and have those flashbacks, I always wonder, always worry... It's like you just completely leave your surroundings and get caught up in the past." He swallowed, hard. "I'm always terrified that one day you'll get so caught up you won't realise it and you'll try to hurt yourself again. I couldn't bear that. I can't lose you, not again. I can't go through that a second time," he said softly. His voice was shaking, and I was even more confused than I had been a moment ago. I was also starting to get a little scared. I could count on one hand the amount of times I'd seen my dad cry, and now he seemed like he was about to lose it at any second, over something that hadn't even happened. 

"Dad, you didn't lose me. I'm still here. Alive and sitting right across from you. Okay? I'm not going anywhere." 

"Your heart stopped." 

Shock. A heartbeat. For a moment, the world stopped. I could hear the faint rush of blood pounding through my ears. "What?" 

"Right before you got to the hospital." His voice was so soft, barely audible in the sudden hush and stillness of the room. "They let me ride in the ambulance with you. You went into hypovolemic shock while you were lying alone in your room, before I found you, and it was enough to make your heart stop for a minute. They rushed you inside, got your heart going again... gave you blood, stitched your wrists. You were okay, but you died. You _died_ , goddammit!" 

Nothing but pure shock. I could barely think. "Dad, I... Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you say anything?" 

"Like what? 'Congratulations, you killed yourself'?" he said bitterly. 

"Oh god..." The full impact of what he was saying finally started to hit me. I began to feel dizzy and nauseous. I had... died? Even if just for a moment, I'd never realised I had actually gotten that close to... "I'm gonna be sick." I jumped up and rushed to the bathroom, but couldn't manage anything more than a few dry heaves. 

Dad followed me, watching me fail to get sick. 

After a bit, I gave up and leaned back against the wall. "You should have told me." I realised that I was now basically making the point he tried to make to me earlier, but I was too upset to care. 

"What would have been the point? There was nothing to gain in telling you. I knew it would just upset you." He paused, then gave a little huff of laughter that wasn't at all amused. "I guess I see where you're coming from." 

I started to cry then, slowly sliding down the wall until I was sitting on cold tile, and buried my head into my knees so I didn't have to have yet another person today see me so low. I didn't look up when I heard Dad come into the bathroom and sit down on the floor next to me. 

"I'm sorry, Yamato. I know I shouldn't push you so hard to talk about some of this stuff, but every time something goes wrong or you get upset or hurt... all I can think about is standing there waiting for someone to come out and tell me you didn't make it, terrified I'd never see you again." 

"I'm sorry," I sobbed. "God, I'm so sorry. I never meant... it was stupid. I just... I just wanted it all to stop! No one knew, I thought he was going to kill me, I didn't know what to do!" 

"It's okay, Yamato. It's okay." 

We sat there quietly then, Dad next to me in silent support as I cried my heart out for the second time that day. We probably sat there for twenty minutes, my sobs the only sound echoing around the room, eventually tapering off as I slowly calmed down. 

After I'd managed to keep calm for awhile, Dad finally spoke back up. "I know you don't want me pushing, and I know it's hard for you talk about the things that are bothering you, but you need to open up just a little and talk to me, to Taichi, to Takeru, _someone_. I don't want to sit here and watch helplessly as my son falls apart. You deserve better than that. Please try, Yamato. For me if not for yourself." 

If only it were as easy as he made it sound. 

* * *

I woke the next morning to find Taichi's cheerful face hovering just above mine. Startled, I let out a yell. This caused Taichi to jump and stumble backwards. In his fall, he grabbed onto my arms and pulled me down on the floor with him. I landed on the carpet with a thud, bringing all my blankets with me. "Ack! Taichi!" I cried as I tried to extract myself from my tangled blankets. 

He grinned at me sheepishly, scratching at his head. "Sorry," he offered. 

"Why are you here, anyways?" I asked him, finally freeing myself. I climbed back onto my bed, wrapping my blankets around me. I was still exhausted from all the emotional turmoil of yesterday, not to mention the nightmares that had woken me throughout the night, and as much as I loved Taichi, I just wanted him to leave so I could go back to sleep. "I thought you usually tried to spend Sundays with your family when you could," I added. 

"I do, but..." he trailed off, giving me a strange look. 

"What?" I asked. I didn't understand what that look was for, and it left me feeling like I was missing something. 

"Don't you know what day this is?" he asked me. 

I paused, tried to think if there was anything important happening. I knew we were around our one-month mark, but I didn't think Taichi was the type to make a big deal out of it or remember the exact day. I certainly wasn't—I was lucky if I could even remember what day it was lately, they tended to blur together at times. And as far as I knew, we had no plans for today, given that I'd just gone round to his the other night. I gave up trying to figure it out, and just shook my head at him. 

"Wow, you are out of it," he remarked. "It's your birthday, remember?" 

I stared at him, mentally pulling up a calendar and counting off the days. After a moment, I realised he was right. My birthday. In everything that had gone on lately, I had actually forgotten that today was my birthday. I was eighteen today. 

"Oh..." I said slowly. "Right. I did forget." 

Taichi just gave me an incredulous look. "Yamato, seriously?" 

I shrugged, a little embarrassed. "Yeah, well... I've been rather distracted lately. You know." 

"True." He waved his hand, as if shoving all such distractions aside. "So what are we doing?" 

"Huh?" I frowned. "What do you mean?" 

"I _mean_ , what are we doing for your birthday?" 

I sighed and flopped backwards onto my pillows. I resisted the urge to groan, not wanting to hurt his feelings, but wondering if there was a way I could get him to leave. I definitely did not feel up to going out, birthday or no. "What makes you think we're doing anything? I'm perfectly content to just sleep the day away." 

"No way! It's your birthday, and you've spent way too much of this month holed up and over-thinking things. We are definitely celebrating today! So pick something fast, or you'll have to deal with my idea of fun." He grinned at me. 

I gave in and groaned. I could tell Taichi was in one of his determined moods, and I knew I'd have to kiss my day of sleep goodbye. 

* * *

After a quick shower, I felt somewhat more awake though still not in any more of a mood to go out. I really didn't care if it was my birthday, I'd just spent too much of yesterday crying, and then tossing and turning all night with nightmares, and I was so exhausted. I desperately wanted to stay home and sleep the day away before I had to go back out tomorrow and then face the world for another week. 

But in his own way, Taichi was just trying to help me, and I couldn't turn him down. I could tell how frustrated and helpless he felt in the face of my problems sometimes, and if it helped him to help me, then I'd let him do this for me. Besides, a few months ago I probably would have been thrilled to celebrate my birthday with my boyfriend. And I'd realised while in the shower that this would technically be our first date, so I ought to have been jumping at the chance, given the many hours I'd wasted over months dreaming of exactly that, at least before Ken had... 

I squeezed my eyes shut in pain. Yet another reason to hate what Ken did to me. And to hate myself for causing all of it to happen in the first place. Even if Dr. Kaos did say it wasn't my fault... 

"Yamato?" 

I looked at Taichi, who was standing there looking at me, a worried expression on his face. 

"Are you okay?" he asked me. 

"I'm fine." Okay, this really wasn't the time to be thinking about everything again. I tried to smile at him, but I supposed it didn't look very convincing. 

Taichi came over to me and wrapped his arms around my waist from behind, resting his head against my back. "Are you sure? Because if you really don't want to go anywhere, we can stay here. I don't mind." 

I swallowed, touched that Taichi would be willing to give up our first date for me, though I wasn't sure if he'd realised it would be our first. Either way, I really didn't deserve him. "It's not that, Taichi. I really am fine. Just tired. This weekend hasn't been that great so far." 

"Okay." He released me, and we both sat side by side on the couch, where we'd been heading when I'd mentally zoned out. "So have you decided what you want to do yet, or do I need to make the plans?" 

"Actually..." I paused, suddenly feeling a bit flustered, and cursed myself for the blush I could feel spreading. "I kind of thought... we could maybe make a proper date of it? Only if you want to, that is, we just haven't really had a chance to have one yet and it's been something like a month now, so—" 

He leaned over and kissed me, effectively shutting off my nervous word vomit. "I couldn't think of a better way to spend the day," he whispered, voice gone slightly husky. 

I shivered slightly and leaned in to kiss him again, my eyes fluttering shut as our mouths met. "I probably could," I murmured against his lips. 

"I could think of better _places_ for you two to spend the day," Dad remarked behind us. 

I broke off the kiss and sighed, resting my forehead against Taichi's. "We're never going to learn, are we?" 

Taichi laughed sheepishly. "Apparently not." 

I sat up and looked towards the kitchen, where Dad was standing in the doorway, cup of coffee in hand, looking torn between amusement and discomfort. "Sorry, Dad," I said, chagrined. 

He waved it away. "At this point, I'm almost expecting it when I walk in the living room and you two are alone. Happy birthday, by the way." 

"Thank you." 

"Even though he completely forgot it was his birthday," Taichi interjected, poking me in the side. 

"Ow! Quit!" I batted his hand away. 

Dad shook his head at our antics. "So do you two have plans for the day, or are you going to stay home making out all day?" 

I blushed a deep crimson. "Dad!" I didn't care how accepting or comfortable he was with it, talking about anything sexual with my dad would always be awkward. "If you must know, we're going out. For lunch. And then a movie." I looked at Taichi. "Okay?" 

He smiled. "Okay with me." 

"You two have fun then. And be careful, the both of you." 

"We will, Dad. And yes, we'll call if we're going to be out real late. Don't worry." 

"I have to worry, it's my job as a father." 

I winced, reminded of the argument we'd had yesterday. "Right." 

Dad immediately looked contrite. "Yamato, I didn't mean it that way." 

I sighed, and stood to start getting ready to leave. "I know, Dad. It's fine." 

* * *

"So what was that with your Dad earlier?" 

"Huh?" I snapped my head up, distracted out of my thoughts about the weekend. "Sorry, what?" 

Taichi repeated his question for me, adding, "He looked really upset for a second there." 

"Oh. It's nothing. He ran into your mom at the store yesterday and she told him about my panic attack at your place, which I had neglected to mention to him. We had a bit of an argument about it." 

Taichi raised his eyebrows. "You didn't tell him?" 

I sighed. "They happen often enough. I didn't really see the point. It was already over and done with, I didn't want him to worry." 

_You were okay, but you died. You_ died _, goddammit!_

I shuddered, all of Dad's words of yesterday replaying themselves over and over in my head. I still hadn't managed to completely process everything. I'd always thought myself such a fuck-up that I couldn't even manage to kill myself properly. After all, I hadn't even cut open my wrists the right way, going across instead of down. But apparently I'd been better than I thought. If Dad had come home even two minutes later, I would have been there too long and bled to death. I would have been dead, wouldn't be right here right now... 

"Yamato?" 

"What? Sorry." I shook my head, trying to dislodge yesterday's memories, feeling bad. This was our first real date and I was ruining it. 

"You seem very distracted today." 

"I—" I fell silent as our waiter came by with our food, then resumed talking once he'd left. "I'm sorry. I guess I am. I told you, this weekend hasn't been great." 

Taichi frowned, feeling the heat of his food before deeming it cool enough and taking a bite. We both ate quietly for a bit, although I couldn't keep my mind from continuously wandering away. Dad and Dr. Kaos both had told me I needed to start talking to someone. Whether it was a therapist or a friend, they both wanted me to stop keeping everything bottled up inside. I absolutely loathed the idea, but I couldn't help but wonder. If I had told someone about Ken earlier, would I even be in this place now? If I'd stopped him before he'd gotten too mean, too violent about hurting me... I probably wouldn't have tried killing myself. I probably wouldn't have gotten stabbed. I probably wouldn't be quite as fucked up, probably never would have ran into Kento's gang and landed in the hospital that weekend... 

I pushed my food away, suddenly not feeling so hungry. What was the point in playing the 'what if' game? It didn't change anything, didn't get me anywhere other than more upset and regretting the things I should have done differently. 

"Yamato?" Taichi had stopped eating as well, and was watching me, a worried look creasing the lines of his face. 

I closed my eyes briefly, taking a deep breath. "Sorry," I said. I tried to smile at him. The smile felt all wrong, utterly fake and pasted on, but I forced it to stay on my face. "I guess I don't make a very good date." 

"Yamato, talk to me. What's bothering you?" 

_I know you don't want me pushing, and I know it's hard for you talk about the things that are bothering you, but you need to open up just a little and talk to me, to Taichi, to Takeru,_ someone _._

I didn't know if I was ready to even open up to my own boyfriend. And now I was thinking about Kento and Sento on top of the already crappy weekend I'd had. I'd done a pretty good job of keeping their beating shoved to the back of my mind whenever I was awake despite Dad's constant pestering, but I was just so tired and my defenses were down, and now everything was coming back full force. 

I looked at Taichi, that fake smile still plastered on. "We should hurry and finish eating if we want to make the movie on time." _Drop it, please_ , my eyes were begging him. I couldn't have this conversation, not here, not now, with a ton of strangers around us and a breakdown on my part imminent. 

Thankfully, he knew when not to push me. When I was having a better day I would definitely have to make it up to him. 

* * *

"...Yeah, but the ending totally sucked." 

I frowned at Taichi as I pushed the button for the elevator. "You thought so? It seemed fine to me." Maybe. I hadn't actually paid that much attention to the movie. 

He shook his head. "Nah, everything was left unresolved. The ending wasn't quite complete. Too many things left open." 

I pressed the button for my floor. "Maybe they plan on making a sequel, so they had to leave some things open." 

Taichi was silent for a few moments, pondering this. 

The elevator doors tinged open. I stepped out, Taichi following. 

"I don't know, Yamato," he said, waiting for me to unlock the door to my apartment. "It didn't really seem like there was anything to base a sequel on... I think the ending was just done horribly, that's all." 

I shrugged. "Perhaps. I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?" 

He snickered. "I think we'll be waiting a long time." 

I let us into the apartment, calling out a greeting to Dad. Once I got a return greeting, I motioned to Taichi. "Come on." 

"Where are we going?" he questioned, looking at me confused, but obediently following me anyways. 

"My room." I'd spent the whole movie stuck on the things Dr. Kaos and Dad had said, and constantly playing the what if game, hating myself for it but unable to help it. I still wasn't really ready to talk to anyone, but I'd reached two conclusions during the movie: one, that I wouldn't ever truly be ready to talk, and two, I really should talk to someone. But since I definitely wasn't ready for a therapist, and I couldn't burden my brother or worry my Dad with all this heavy stuff, it would have to be Taichi. I didn't really want to worry him either, but he was my boyfriend and he was trying to help me with everything. I'd also at least taken the time during the movie to calm myself down a lot, and I no longer felt quite so on the edge of breaking down. 

Taichi raised an eyebrow suggestively at me. "Oh, we _are_ , are we?" 

I thumped him lightly on the head, giving him a serious look. "To _talk_ , Taichi." 

I shut the door behind us as we got there, not wanting Dad to come in while we were in the middle of a serious conversation. Hopefully Dad would just think we were resuming where we'd left off earlier. Which just made me hate everything that had happened even more, for leaving me with a reality where my dad thinking I was making out with my boyfriend was better than having him think we were just talking. 

I joined Taichi in sitting on my bed, scooting between his legs and letting him wrap his arms around me, his head resting against my back. I closed my eyes and sighed, the stresses of the weekend catching up to me even more and leaving me feeling boneless and exhausted. I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep right there in Taichi's arms, safe and protected. 

"What did you want to talk about?" Taichi murmured, rousing me from my state of half-sleep. 

I bit down on my lip. "It's not that I want to, or rather, I do, in a way, but I'm not sure I'm really ready to, but both Dad and Dr. Kaos—who I ran into at the park yesterday—told me I need to talk to someone, so if I have to you're the best choice—" 

"Yamato, you don't have to talk to me about anything if you're not ready to," he told me, cutting off my anxious babbling. 

"I know, and I don't exactly want to, but I think I do need to, at least a tiny bit." I shrugged, feeling a bit helpless. "I figured I could start with telling you this, because I know you haven't stopped wanting to know, even if you never ask." 

"Telling me what?" 

"Last weekend. When I wound up in the hospital." 

"Yama—" 

"It was Kento's gang," I said quickly, cutting him off. 

He paused. "What?" 

I nodded, taking a deep breath. I felt shaky, and close to tears, not liking thinking directly about it. Even though it felt much longer, it had really only been about a week and a few days since it happened. "When my dad came home from his trip, and caught us... we got in an argument after you left. He was just worried about me getting hurt, and he said some things he didn't mean, but I got upset and ran out of the apartment. I... I was crying. I wasn't paying attention to where I was until I literally ran into Kento." 

"Yamato," Taichi choked out, holding onto me tighter. He obviously knew where this was going, but he let me talk. 

"I'm sure you can guess how happy they were to see me. I tried to run, to get away, but they held me down and beat me until I was too hurt and worn out to fight back anymore. I was so damn _scared_ ," I said hoarsely, fighting back a few tears at the memories. "I just knew they were going to kill me." 

"I am so sorry, Yamato," Taichi sniffed, and even though I couldn't see him, I could tell he was crying. "It's all my fault, because I punched Kento. And then I left you alone. You never should have had to deal with them. I'm so sorry." 

"Taichi, no, it wasn't your fault. You were just trying to protect me the first time. And you couldn't have known the things my Dad would have said, or that I would leave the apartment alone and too distressed to pay attention. Please don't blame yourself, Taichi. I couldn't handle that." 

"But you were beat so badly you wound up in the hospital! And now you have to live with that..." 

"I can't even remember a lot of it," I confessed. "Most of it is just a blur of pain and fear. What I hate and remember the most is Sento holding me down while the other three were hitting and kicking me, and at the end just before I passed out he pulled out his knife and trailed it down my cheek. He told me we were even and to be sure to pass on the message to you... It's really similar to something Ken did to me, and now both of those things mix in my mind in my nightmares..." 

Taichi's grip on me tightened even more, if such thing a possible. "I'm so sorry," he repeated, voice thick with tears he wouldn't cry. "I could kill Sento for doing that to you! All of them, they have no right to go around and hurt people the way they do! They're all assholes! I'm sorry, Yamato, I'm sorry." 

I closed my eyes, sagging back against him a bit. Even though he was worrying me a bit, it was a little nice having someone else knowing now, someone that could carry the burden with me and rant on my behalf. Still, Taichi could be pretty hotheaded sometimes, though he'd improved a lot since we were kids first stuck in the Digital World. "Please don't go out and do anything stupid, Taichi," I murmured. "That isn't why I told you." 

"I know. I won't. I just want to rage at the unfairness of it all for awhile." 

I would have laughed at hearing him phrase it that way, if it weren't so true. "Love you," I whispered, the first time either of us had said it to the other, and let myself be lulled to sleep listening to his angry voice mentally beat them up. It was somehow soothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1 January 2014 0347PM)


	9. Book One - chapter nine - loss of control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _the cliched words of love on commercial melodies_   
>  _you don't see this reality, you don't see this hell_
> 
> _a smile and tears that could be seen anywhere_   
>  _all you can do is dump them out, you who could be found anywhere_
> 
> _I can see you tearing at your hair, you're already on a countdown to madness._  
>  _if you could run away it would be easier, you should be saying "I want you to save me"_  
>  \- **Pierrot** , agitator.

I slammed the door to my apartment, stalking in and kicking off my shoes angrily. They went flying, one of them popping my sister in the leg as she came in to see what was wrong. I felt a brief moment of remorse for my unrestrained anger, but it was quickly engulfed by even more anger as I once again recalled the way Yamato's face had looked earlier.  
  
"'Oh whoops, Hikari, I'm sorry.' 'That's okay, Taichi. You're forgiven.'" Hikari said sarcastically, giving me a small glare.  
  
"Shove off, Hikari, I'm not in the mood," I muttered, walking past her and heading towards my room. I'd apologise to her later, after I'd calmed down. If I managed to.  
  
"Welcome home, Taichi," Mom said as I passed by. I didn't bother with a reply, just went into my room and shut the door, locking it behind me so Hikari couldn't try to come in and pester me about what the matter was. Normally I appreciated my sister trying to help, but right now I wanted to sit and stew in my bad mood. And to think I'd expected today to be a _good_ day. Although most of it hadn't really been too bad, despite Yamato's obvious distraction during our first date. But back at his apartment, sitting on his bed listening to him tell me all that stuff... the half-formed thoughts I'd had of giving him a nice birthday present in the form of making out had completely vanished, and all I could feel was intense anger and heartache.  
  
I flung myself face down on the bed and buried my face in my pillow, trying unsuccessfully to stifle the angry sobs that had been threatening to come out ever since I'd left Yamato's. I knew if I'd cried in front of Yamato, it would just upset him and possibly keep him from telling me anything important in the future. But now that I was home alone in the privacy of my room, I felt free to let go.  
  
I hated it. I hated that he was going through all this stupid, stupid _bullshit_. It was bad enough that he'd been abused for months by Ken to the point that he'd tried suicide, but now having to deal with some asshole psychopaths tormenting him because of something _I_ did really wasn't right. Yamato never did a thing to any of them, why couldn't they have left him alone? Why did they have to hurt him so bad he wound up in the hospital?  
  
I wanted to hurt them. I wanted to hurt all of them the same way they'd hurt Yamato. Especially Sento. I wanted to make him suffer and fear for his very life so he could see just how Yamato had felt. Sento deserved it, they all deserved it.  
  
Of course, it would be an incredibly stupid thing to do. If I actually tried to hurt any of them, I would probably wind up just as badly hurt as Yamato, or worse. And that would probably just make them even more likely to go after Yamato again. Which was certainly the last thing I wanted. But I hated that they were getting away with hurting my boyfriend so badly. Life just wasn't fair.  
  
I pressed my face harder into the pillow and cried. 

* * *

Monday morning found Yamato missing from homeroom. I really wasn't surprised, though that didn't stop me from worrying the whole day nonetheless. I was reprimanded no less than twice in each class, and often times more. Somehow, though, I managed to completely avoid any detentions, though I think all the teachers could see that for once I genuinely wasn't doing it on purpose. I just couldn't stop my mind from thinking about what I'd learned yesterday. I hadn't really managed to cool off from my anger over the whole thing. Just thinking Sento or Kento's names was enough to get me upset and wanting to hurt them. And now Yamato being absent just added to it.  
  
He'd amazingly been pretty calm telling me about it yesterday. He hadn't even really cried. But I knew from how he'd refused to discuss it in the hospital that it had scared him pretty badly. And with how nightmare-prone he'd become in the past month or so, it wasn't hard to figure out just why he wasn't in school today. What worried me was not knowing how bad off he was. I still remembered how he'd been after those nightmares a few weeks ago, when he wouldn't talk for hours afterwards. That had been the night we'd officially gotten together... it was weird, thinking that it had only been around a month since everything. Well, more like two if I counted when Yamato had first stopped going to school, but at that time I just had thought he was sick.  
  
Still, so much had happened in such a short amount of time. It felt like it should have been longer.  
  
"Yagami Taichi!"  
  
I blinked, brought once again out of my rumination, and looked up. Nakamura Sensei was standing over me, arms crossed expectantly, a grumpy-looking frown on his face. I had the feeling he'd been trying to get my attention for some time now. For the fourth time this class... "Um, yes sir?" I asked, giving him a guilty look. I really didn’t mean to keep zoning out.  
  
The class collectively groaned, and Sensei sighed, shaking his head. "Never mind. Just... see me after class, please."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
He walked away, continuing on with his lecture, and I put my head down and tried to pay attention. If Yamato had been here, he would have probably snickered at me and teased me later.  
  
I really hoped he wasn't too upset... What if he'd had more panic attacks? What if he'd somehow fallen out of bed and concussed himself again? What if he'd left his apartment to avoid being alone in it and ran into Kento again? My mind had been running away with the possibilities all day, and it was driving me crazy. I kept trying to tell myself that if it was truly something serious, Yamato or Mr. Ishida would have called me, but knowing that did nothing for my anxiety. I couldn't bring myself to believe me. I groaned quietly to myself, wishing the day were over already. But I still had lunch and two more classes to get through. And I was sure they would take forever. I really wished Yamato would get out of his habit of skipping school when he was upset.  


* * *

Once the final bell rang signalling the end of the school day, I wasted no time in hightailing it out of there and heading over to Yamato's. I practically ran down the familiar route, arriving in record time. I banged on the door and waited impatiently for someone to open up, hoping anxiously that someone _was_ home and this wasn't going to be like the last time, when Yamato had unexpectedly turned out to be in the hospital.

After a few moments, Mr. Ishida swung the door open, not looking surprised to see me.

I let out a visibly relieved breath, prompting the man to raise his eyebrows at me. If Mr. Ishida was home and looking so calm, then nothing too terrible must have happened. Which meant it really was likely just nightmares that had kept Yamato out of school for the day. "Hi, Mr. Ishida," I greeted politely. "Is Yamato here?"

"Hello, Taichi. He's been hiding out in his room all day," he said, resignation on his face and in his voice. He stepped aside, inviting me in.

"Nightmares?" I asked softly as I entered, toeing off my shoes.

He shut the door behind me, doing up most of the locks before facing me again, the exhaustion he was feeling clearly visible. "Bad ones," he said grimly. "But of course he won't talk to me about them."

I nodded, having expected that. Yamato had nightmares nearly every night, but it was only the worst of them that had kept him home so far. "I'll see if I can talk to him," I promised.

He smiled tiredly. "You're very good to him, Taichi. I'm glad he has you."

I blushed, the praise meaning a lot coming from Mr. Ishida. The man was usually so reserved with his feelings, and sometimes the fear that he didn't approve of mine and Yamato's relationship lingered, despite his approval at the hospital.  "I'm just doing what anyone would do."

Mr. Ishida shook his head at me. "No, I don't think most people would. You've gone above and beyond for him. He's very lucky to have you as his friend, regardless of your relationship status."

"No, I'm lucky to have him," I told him, completely meaning it, and then headed off towards Yamato's room. His door was closed, so I knocked softly.

"I told you Dad, I'm fine," I heard him call. He sounded completely worn out. It hurt to hear.

"It's Taichi," I said quietly. "Can I come in?"

"Oh, sorry. Sure. Door's unlocked."

I opened it and looked in. Yamato was curled up against his headboard, knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around them, his head resting on top. An open notebook I recognised as his song book was sitting nearby, a pencil in the crease between the pages. I wasn't sure whether to take that as a good sign or not. I hadn't seen Yamato writing lyrics in ages, but he also tended to write most often when he was emotionally overwhelmed. And none of his emotions had really been good lately...

"So what happened to school today?" I asked, coming in and closing the door. I pulled out his desk chair and sat, not sure whether he'd want me to sit with him in the bed or not. I figured it was better to play it safe until I had a better idea of his mood.

He uncurled, reaching out to close his notebook and set it on the bedside table. "I'm sure you can guess, or dad told you," he muttered, not looking at me.

"Nightmares, I figured that much, but I thought you were doing better about letting them keep you from school," I said evenly. I didn't want to sound accusatory and get his hackles up, because then he'd clam up and not talk to me.

He shrugged. "Sometimes it's still just too much," he admitted quietly. "And after telling you yesterday... well, I rarely ever see Kento and them at school, sometimes I'm not sure they still really attend, but I just didn't want to chance it today. Just the thought of it made me feel sick. So I refused to go, and Dad took a sick day to stay with me. Even though he shouldn't have..."

"He's worried," I told him, watching him pick at the loose stitching on his blanket. "I am too," I added. Deciding his mood could have been a lot worse, I got up and sat down next to him on the bed. He obligingly shifted to make room for me.

"Don't," he said.

"Don't what?" I asked, confused. Did he not want me to sit on the bed with him? He'd just made room for me...

"Don't worry about me. I don't mean to make people worry. I'm fine."

Oh. I smiled sadly, even though he was still steadfastly refusing to look at me. "I know you _want_ to be fine, Yamato, but you're not. Weren't you the one trying to convince me a couple of weeks ago that you were broken?"

"Oh, so now you agree with me?" His voice was trembling, and I couldn't stand it.

"Please look at me." I reached out and gently clasped his hand, loosely curling my fingers around his, and sat there waiting patiently until he raised his head. The sorrow in his blue eyes made me want to wrap my arms around him and never let go. "You're not broken," I told him sincerely, "but that doesn't mean you're fine either. And that's _okay_. You've been through _hell_ , experienced things that no one should ever have to experience, or ever deserve—things I couldn't even begin to imagine. Your dad and I, your brother, our other friends, your band... none of us expect you to be fine. But in the meantime, we're going to worry for you. I'm especially going to worry, because I love you and I hate seeing you in pain. I'm going to worry even more when you're not where I expect you to be, and I don't know for sure what's happened. So please don't ever ask me to not worry about you. I care too much to not worry."

"Since when did you get so smart with words?" he asked. I could tell he was trying to laugh it off, trying to make it not a big deal, but his voice was still trembling, and I knew he was on the verge of crying.

"Since I realised how much my boyfriend needed me to be," I replied gently, and pulled him into a hug as he finally broke.

"I wish none of this had happened," he confessed between sobs.

I tightened my hold on him, my own eyes stinging. "Me too."

We stayed that way for awhile, me just holding him tightly as he cried. He didn't say anything else, and I didn't make him. I was actually a little surprised at his breakdown, because he still hated to cry in front of me if he could help it, and he hadn't seemed this upset when I first came in. But he'd been holding in too much for far too long, and maybe he simply couldn't hold it in anymore. I didn't mind. I would hold him for as long as he needed me. To be able to do this for him, no matter how small of a thing it seemed, helped comfort me as much as it did him. I might not have been the one who had been hurt, but I was coming to really understand that Yamato wasn't the only one who had been affected by Ken's abuse.

Eventually Yamato's sobs lessened, until finally he was sitting there quietly, seemingly content to stay motionless in my arms. I shifted us until I was leaning against the headboard, Yamato between my legs with his back pressed against my chest and his head nestled against my arm, and my arms wrapped loosely around his frame. He said nothing while I moved us, just let me manhandle him limply, like a rag doll. It was a little unnerving. In the new position, I could see the dried tear tracks on his face. I knew they had to feel uncomfortable, but he made no move to wipe them away. When he spoke again, I wasn't expecting it, and startled at the sudden noise, banging my head hard on the wood behind me.

"I was scared to go because I thought they'd know somehow."

"Who would know what?" I asked softly, rubbing at the now sore bump on my skull in consternation. That was going to be a nice little bruise later.

He took a deep, shuddering breath. "K-Kento and Sento... It's completely stupid, but I thought—I thought if I went to school, somehow they would just _know_ that I told on them, and they'd hurt me even worse..." He laughed suddenly, a sound that was dangerously close to becoming another sob. "I was scared despite them _telling_ me to tell you. Really, how stupid is that?"

"Yamato..." I swallowed, my eyes burning. I was angry again, even angrier than I'd been yesterday, or at any point earlier today. It wasn't enough to make them suffer, I wanted to hunt them down and hurt them so badly they'd never be able to hurt anybody ever again. I wanted to make them pay dearly for what they'd done. And if I could throw Ken in the mix while I was at it, then so much the better. But logically, I knew that wouldn't help Yamato any. "I'm sorry," I told him helplessly. "I hate that you're going through this. I hate that I can't do anything to make it better. I'm sorry," I repeated.

"You're here for me," he said simply. "That helps."

I didn't really believe him. It didn't _feel_ like enough. I wanted to do more, something that would really help, something that would make a difference in his getting better, get him back to a state of normal, of really _living_ again. But there was nothing, and all I could do was sit there holding him as I apologised uselessly.

* * *

When I finally left Yamato's apartment that evening, the sun was just starting to set. The street lamps were just beginning to kick on, and it was sprinkling lightly, a hint of the rainy weather to come soon. It seemed fitting for the sort of mood the afternoon had been. Even though Yamato and I had finally turned our talk to lighter subjects, the anger towards Kento and Sento—mostly Sento, honestly—had never left me. It was still with me as I walked the sidewalks absently, slowly heading towards home.

Despite all the anger boiling under the surface, I still knew how stupid it would have been to try to find them and hurt them. It would just cause too many problems for Yamato, and quite possibly me as well. And four to one odds didn't really seem that great. But apparently fate had a different idea in store for me, because as I turned a corner there they suddenly were.

They were a little ways down the sidewalk, beating up on some kid, and hadn't spotted me. A scared little kid who looked no older than twelve. A scared little kid who was crying and pleading feebly with them to stop, the arms above his head offering very little protection against four seventeen and eighteen year olds.

Blinded by fury, I didn't even stop to think about what I was doing, or how I shouldn't do it. I called out, yelled at them to stop. All of them looked up, and then Sento gave me a small smirk, right before kicking the kid again. It was the last thing I remembered clearly for awhile.

Blinded by fury, I charged in, images of Yamato flashing through my mind.

The hospital. Yamato, alive, but looking so pale and lifeless in that bed. So drained, so terrified and broken. So afraid to even tell me what had happened.

                _I still can't even let myself think about it yet, much less be able to tell someone else._

The two of us in his bed, him leaning against me as he talked so calmly about Sento holding him down, about being so scared, about Sento pulling a knife on him...

        _I just knew they were going to kill me._

Blinded by fury... My fists lashed out. I wanted nothing more than to wipe that self-satisfied smirk right off that cocky bastard's face.

    _I can't, Taichi, I really can't._  
           _Please don't ask me right now, please._

    Beaten so badly he passed out. Sento trailing a knife down his cheek.

Sento staggered backwards, an open palm held against his bloody nose.

Murderous eyes glared at me, readying to attack. I refused to let that happen. Blinded by fury, I moved towards him again.

         _Taichi..._

 

                           _Taichi..._

My fists pounded over and over on Sento’s unconscious body. The others made attempts to attack me, to pull me off, but I struck out against them, hitting hard and shoving fast before returning my attentions to Sento before me. Barely aware of my surroundings, I was lost in the numb and senseless rage of my blind fury. I dimly registered the sound of footsteps retreating into the distance. All I could think about was making Sento pay. For Yamato, for everything he’d suffered, everything he’d given up, everything he’d lost. Did it matter that Ken had been the one to break him originally? Not really. It was Sento that was breaking him now.

                                                _Taichi..._

"Taichi! Taichi, stop! Stop it now! Taichi, you’re killing him! Get off!" Strong hands wrapped around my waist, pulling me back. A bloody mess was on the ground before me, barely recognisable as Sento. I looked up into the face of the one holding me, and found Jou’s horrified, terrified face looking back at me. Slowly I came back to myself, and realised what I’d done, and what I almost did. Tears were dripping onto my hands. Or maybe it was just rain. I could hear the wail of a siren in the distance.

                                                                   _Love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (22 February 2014 0809AM)
> 
> There is literally NO reason for the formatting at the end of this chapter. There never has been. However, it's just one of those weird quirks about this fic that makes it "Waiting" to me, and I can't bring myself to remove it, so it stays no matter what (:
> 
> (and if you've only read the re-upload on ffnet, you've likely never seen it, but it still exists in the original livejournal version, which is even older than the ffnet version.)


	10. Book Two - chapter ten - turmoil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _all of your flaws and all of my flaws,_   
>  _when they have been exhumed_   
>  _we'll see that we need them to be who we are_   
>  _without them we'd be doomed_   
>  _there's a hole in my soul_   
>  _I can't fill it, I can't fill it_   
>  _there's a hole in my soul_   
>  _can you fill it? can you fill it?_
> 
> _you have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve_  
>  _and I have always buried them deep beneath the ground_  
>  _dig them up; let's finish what we've started_  
>  _dig them up, so nothing's left untouched_  
>  \- **Bastille** , flaws.

Once Taichi had left, I curled up into a ball at the head of my bed, feeling completely emotionally drained. I felt like I had done nothing but cry since Friday evening, and I'd forgotten how exhausting it could be. It didn't help that I hated myself every single time I broke down. I hated crying, and I especially hated crying where other people could see me. It made me feel weak and worthless.

It also didn't help that memories of Sento holding me down and pulling a knife on me were bouncing around in my head, overlapping with memories of Ken doing the same thing, both of them taunting me with cruel smiles and harsh words. The nightmares of last night were there as well, disturbing images of things that had never actually happened flashing through my mind. 

And to top it all off, I now had Taichi to worry about. He'd been so upset yesterday when I'd told him about Kento and Sento, spewing such hatred and death threats I'd rarely ever heard from him. He'd said he was just venting, but today I could feel how his body went taut with anger when I'd mentioned them again, and I was afraid he would do something stupid. Admittedly, Taichi had grown out of his hot-headed temper better than I had, but it could still flare up if he was sufficiently provoked. The last thing I wanted was for him to try and get revenge somehow. Things were already enough of a mess without him making it worse. 

I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut tight, pressing my fists against them, trying to banish all my thoughts. I didn't want to remember any of this, didn't want to have to think about any of it! 

A knock on my door had me groaning a second time, knowing it was Dad coming to check up on me yet again. He'd been doing it all day, wanting to know if I was hungry, if I wanted anything, if I needed to talk. And this right after I'd asked him to stop pushing so much... 

"What is it?" I called out listlessly, opening my eyes and uncurling as I rolled to face the door. 

Dad poked his head in through the doorway. "I was thinking about ordering some take-out, anything in particular you want?" 

"Not hungry." 

Dad sighed. "You need to eat, Yamato. You haven't had anything all day." 

I shut my eyes again, resisting the urge to snap at him again. He was just worried. I could order something small to appease him. Didn't mean I had to eat it. "Fine. Something simple and small, then. Rice, or soba, or something." 

"Okay, I can do that," Dad said, and I felt glad I'd done so when he looked so relieved. "Will you be okay alone here if I go pick it up?" 

"I—" I paused, wondering if Dad had started picking up on the fact that I never stayed home alone anymore if I could help it. After all, he had taken a sick day today when I refused to go to school. He had no real reason to do that, it wasn't as if I'd had any panic attacks. Still, I wasn't ready to admit it out loud to him, even if he did know. And I needed to start getting used to being alone again. Surely I could handle twenty minutes while Dad went to get some food. "I'll be fine," I finally said. "Go ahead." 

"You sure?" 

I nodded. "I'll even do up all the locks." 

But despite telling Dad I'd be fine, it didn't take longer after he'd left for the silence to start making me antsy. It didn't matter if he would be back soon, being home alone was just nerve-wracking. Ken still hadn't been caught since his escape, and even though I didn't _think_ he'd come back here again, I couldn't be one hundred percent certain. And I hadn't stopped worrying about Taichi, which only added to my anxiety. 

Sighing, I rolled over and grabbed my cell off my bedside table, deciding it had definitely been enough for time for Taichi to be home by now, and it wouldn't hurt to call and make sure he was there, just to ease my worries. I dialled the familiar number and waited for someone to pick up. 

"Hello, Yagami residence," Hikari's sweet voice answered politely. 

"Hi, Hikari. It's Yamato. Is Taichi there?" I asked, trying to sound calm. 

"No, he's not here. We actually thought he was at your place. Do you want me to have him call when he gets in?" 

My heart dropped down into my stomach upon hearing those words. I swallowed, trying to tell myself not to immediately jump to irrational conclusions. Just because he hadn't gone home right away didn't mean he was out hunting down Kento's gang... but still, he should have been home, and he hadn't indicated he was going anywhere else when he left here. "No, no, that's okay... Listen, he was over here, but he left a while ago, said he was heading home. He should have been there by now. Could you maybe do me a favour, see if you can find him?" 

"Find him?" she asked, sounding a bit confused. 

I nodded automatically, before realising she couldn't see that. "Yeah. I... I told him some things that made him upset and angry, and I'm afraid he might do something stupid." 

She let out a resigned-sounding sigh. "He can still be hot-headed occasionally," she agreed casually, but I could hear the slight hint of worry in her voice now. "Alright, I'll call some of the other Chosen, see if they've heard from him. Have you tried his cell?" 

Immediately I felt like an idiot. I hadn't even thought about calling his cell. "No," I admitted. "I'll do that now. Call me if you find him, or have him call me, please?" 

"Of course," she said warmly. "And the same goes for you." 

"Thanks, Hikari." 

I hung up the phone and let it drop to the bed, once more pressing my hands against my eyes. I was starting to get a headache. And now I had more of a reason to worry about Taichi and just what he might be getting himself into. I just hoped he hadn't done anything too stupid. I needed him to call me back and reassure me that nothing had happened. 

Call... oh, right. I snatched up my phone again and dialled the number for Taichi's cell. Then I sat there listening to it ring. Once... twice... After five the voicemail kicked in, Taichi's cheerful voice apologising for not being able to answer, but leave a message and he'd call back as soon as he could. I ended the call without bothering to leave a message. If he could have answered, he would have. There was nothing to do now but just wait, and hoped that either he or Hikari eventually called, and that he was simply out on an errand without having a charged phone. At least the worry for him was distracting me from the anxiety of being alone. 

A few minutes later I heard the locks on the front door turning, and bolted up, a reflexive thread of fear running through me. "It's just Dad," I muttered reassuringly to myself, knowing he was the only one besides me with a key to all the locks. And indeed, a few moments later I heard Dad's voice calling out to me, letting me know he was home. 

I relaxed the tight grip my fingers had on my blankets, and gave myself a moment to calm down before I got up and went into to the kitchen to greet him. He was standing at the table pulling out the boxes of take-out, and he looked relieved to see me walk into the kitchen completely fine. Apparently I wasn't the only one who didn't like for me to be home alone anymore. 

"Hey, Dad," I said, and went to grab down some bowls and chopsticks for us to eat with. I still wasn't hungry, but I figured I could have a few bites to make him happy and keep him from worrying so much. As I was quickly finding, worrying so much about someone else's well-being really wasn't fun. 

We ate in silence, Dad finally deigning to leave me alone now that I was out of my room and eating. I was glad, as I didn't think I could make any sort of small talk. I was still too distracted listening for my phone to ring. Unfortunately, it was at least an hour, possibly longer, before I finally heard the familiar ringtone of my cell letting me know Taichi's cell was calling for me. I quickly scrambled off the couch where Dad had forced me after supper, lunging for my phone in the kitchen where I'd stupidly left it. I answered it immediately, my heart pounding anxiously. "Hello? Taichi?" 

"It's Hikari." 

"Hikari? Is Taichi okay? Did you find him?" I asked urgently. 

I heard her let out a long sigh, which only made my anxiety ratchet up a notch. "Taichi's fine, he's not hurt. Jou found him. But it's not good news." 

My stomach plummeted in dread. "What happened?" I asked, suddenly not sure I wanted to know. 

There was silence over the line for a moment. I waited nervously, wondering just how bad it was if she couldn't even find the words to tell me. But, she _had_ said Taichi was fine, so surely it couldn't be too bad...? "It's not something I really want to explain over the phone," she said at last. "Look, we're down at the hospital right now, and Taichi's not allowed to leave just yet, do you think you could come down here? We'll let you know what's going on then." 

The hospital? What the hell was going on? Fuck, _had_ he gotten tangled up with Kento's gang somehow? But he wasn't hurt, and I didn't see him surviving an encounter with them unscathed... And why the hell couldn't he leave? "Not allowed to leave? But you said he was fine!" I protested, thoroughly confused. 

"He is, I promise you, Yamato. Please, just come down here." 

"Okay. I'll find a way somehow. I'll see you soon then." 

"Okay. I'll be waiting out front for you." 

We said our goodbyes and hung up, and I lowered the phone slowly. Taichi was fine, but he was at the hospital and he wasn't allowed to leave. I really didn't know what to make of that. Shaking my head, I decided not to dwell on it and just get down there. I turned to Dad, who'd abandoned his television to watch me, concern in his eyes. "Everything okay?" he asked. 

I shrugged. "Not sure. Can you give me a ride?" 

"Where to?" 

"The hospital. Apparently Taichi is there, but he's fine, he's just not allowed to leave." 

Dad frowned, and opened his mouth to say something, ask a question maybe, but I shook my head before he could. "No, I don't know why he's there. Hikari said she'd explain if I went there to meet them. So could you take me, please?" 

After a moment's hesitation, Dad agreed. "Alright. Go get some decent clothes on and we'll go." 

"Thanks, Dad." I went over and gave him a quick hug, surprising us both, and went to get dressed. 

* * *

Once we got to the hospital entrance, I barely let Dad stop the car before I was flinging the door open and jumping out, looking around frantically for Hikari as I tossed a harried goodbye to Dad over my shoulder. I finally spotted her, but not before spotting a couple of police cars and a few uniformed officers milling around nearby. I wondered what they were here for; I doubted it had anything to do with Taichi. The sight of them made me uneasy; it reminded me of being at the station reporting Ken. That had almost been worse than the things Ken had done to me, in a way. 

Most of the officers hadn't really believed me. Like many of my classmates, they had wondered if I was just lying because of a "lover's spat" or some such nonsense. They harassed me for waiting so long to report it, and when presented with the evidence the hospital had saved, along with the information about my broken wrist and stab wound, they made me retell every single little detail about the things Ken had done to me, over and over, insisting they would need it because Ken would surely fight such an accusation and they didn't want me trying to back out or change my story later. I'd never been so humiliated or hurt, and Dad had been literally shaking with rage at the end of it, but it was worth it when they went to arrest Ken and he confessed right away and didn't even fight any of it. 

But that was done and over with; in the end they'd had no choice but to believe me, and now I was here for Taichi. I caught sight of Hikari just inside the main entrance doors, waving to me. I waved back to let her know I'd seen her, and then hurried over. "Where's Taichi?" I asked as soon as I reached her. 

"He's upstairs, in a waiting room along with my parents. Come on, I'll take you up and then either Taichi or I can explain what's going on." 

I nodded, grateful, and followed her over to the bank of elevators. When we reached the waiting room, Taichi was sitting in a little cluster of chairs right near the entrance, and his parents were standing further off to the side, talking to a policeman. I stopped short in the doorway when I realised it, suddenly confused and unsure. Were the police downstairs here for him after all? Just what was going on? 

"Yamato!" Taichi jumped up, and came over to pull me inside. 

"Taichi? What's happened? Why are your parents talking to the police? Why are you even here?" 

He sighed, and a look came over his face, one that I hadn't seen in awhile but one that filled me with trepidation nonetheless. It was his "I've just done some stupid that you're really not going to like" look. Sure enough, the next words out of his mouth were, "I did something stupid." 

"What is it?" I asked, the apprehension clear in my voice. I _really_ hoped this didn't involve Kento's gang, but the appearance of the police had me unsure. 

"I really didn't plan to, I swear Yamato, I didn't. You have to believe me." 

"Taichi, just tell me." 

"I... I ran into Kento's gang on the way home." 

I groaned, ignoring the sudden tendrils of fear that were creeping through me at Taichi's words. _Fuck._ It wasn't hard to guess at least some of what he'd done next. "Tell me you didn't," I begged. 

"They were beating on some little kid, you should have seen him, Yamato, he couldn't have been more than twelve, he just looked so pitiful. I couldn't stand seeing them doing it. I just kept remembering what they'd done to you, I charged right in without thinking. I don't even really remember most of it, I just completely lost it. When I was aware of things again, Jou was pulling me off Sento." 

"How bad?" 

"What?" Taichi looked confused, perhaps expecting me to yell at him. I didn't bother, there was no way to take back what he'd done, and I couldn't exactly get mad at him when I'd wished I could do the same thing myself. I just needed to know how bad it was, needed to know whether I had a chance of losing Taichi, or what retaliation we might be facing. 

"How bad is he? We're at the hospital and your parents are talking to a police officer, so I doubt Sento just got up and walked off after you beat him up." 

"Um..." Taichi looked nervous, eyes darting around the room as if he could find a way to avoid answering me. 

"How bad, Taichi?" I repeated patiently, though I wanted to take him by the shoulders and shake him until he answered, aggravated that he was stalling. Surely he knew how serious this was. 

"He was unconscious," Hikari spoke up. She'd gone over to the seats Taichi had vacated, sitting quietly and just listening to us, but she must have figured Taichi wasn't going to give me a straight answer on just what he'd done. "Taichi got him pretty good, they're not even sure if he'll make it. Some internal injuries or something. He's in surgery right now." 

I stared at her for a moment, and then went over to the seats myself, slowly sinking down into one. "How did the police get involved?" I asked faintly. 

"Jou had to call an ambulance for Sento." Hikari sighed. "Taichi said all four of them were there when he came across them, but they had apparently run off before Jou ever got there, and Jou thought it would be better to report it to the police instead of waiting for anyone in Sento's family to get them involved. It looks better on Taichi that way." 

"And if...?" 

"Sento dies?" At that, Taichi started, shifting around on his feet uncomfortably. He'd been listening to us, but made no effort to rejoin the conversation or come sit down. 

I nodded shakily. 

She looked straight at me, her eyes solemn. "It could be involuntary manslaughter. But, Taichi is still considered a juvenile, they might be lenient. There's no way to know for sure. All we can do is wait." 

"Right then," I said faintly, and then there were no more words after that. 

* * *

An hour later found me still waiting at the hospital with the Yagami family. I could have gone home, and even sort of wanted to just because I was so exhausted still, but at the same time, Taichi had supported me so much, I wanted to be the one to support him for once. So I sat there in the uncomfortable chairs, doing my best to ignore the tension in the room and just be there for my clearly anxious boyfriend. 

And he was definitely anxious about everything, though he tried not to show it. But I could see it in the shadows in his eyes, and the in slight hunch of his shoulders, and in how often he smiled, trying to pretend that everything was fine. I could also see that he was worried about how his parents were acting. They seemed perplexed, like they weren't quite sure how to take the fact that their son had nearly beaten another boy to death. Mrs. Yagami kept hovering around him, reaching out as if she wanted to pat him, but then pulling her hand back at the last second like she couldn't bring herself to. I watched it all with a strange sort of fascination, wondering if she'd ever actually manage to touch him. 

Eventually, I couldn't stand it any longer. I hated the waiting, and the longer we waited, the more anxious Taichi became, and that just made me more anxious as well. I stood, looking at Taichi. "I'm going to go take a short walk, stretch my legs for a bit. I'll be back soon, okay?" 

Taichi nodded to indicate he'd heard, and I headed out. I walked aimlessly down the halls, not really paying attention to my surroundings. I didn't want the reminder of where I was; I'd come to hate hospitals, having spent far too much time in them over the past few months. For a little while I just got lost in my thoughts, wondering whether Sento would make it and crazily hoping he would live. I would have just as soon had him dead, but not by Taichi's hand. I didn't want to lose Taichi, and I didn't want him to have to live with the stigma of having killed someone for the rest of his life. 

When I turned a corner and bumped into someone, I automatically flinched and then started to apologise, until I looked up and noticed just who I'd bumped into. Kenji was standing there, rubbing his nose. All apologies immediately flew from my head; all I could do was stand there and gape. 

"Kenji?" I asked in confusion. 

He looked at me, then frowned. Looked away. "Hey," he said simply. 

I couldn't figure out what reason he'd have to be here. He looked fine, and Taichi hadn't mentioned him doing anything crazy to land in the hospital... and he wasn't in a hospital gown, there was also that. "What are you doing here?" 

"I could ask you the same thing," he replied, neatly evading my question. 

"I'm waiting with Taichi. It's a long story," I said dismissively. "What's yours?" 

He started to reply, but before he could get any words out, a new voice interrupted us. One that made my blood run cold. 

"Hey asshole, the bitch you call ‘mom’ asked me to get you, she wants to talk to you." 

Slowly, I looked past Kenji to see the other teen standing just behind him. I didn’t want to look. I felt like I’d just been tossed in the middle of someone else’s nightmare. 

Kento was standing just behind Kenji, sneering at him. I swallowed hard. "No," I whispered. Crazy notions were suddenly running through my mind, notions I didn't want to be true. 

Kenji flinched as I spoke. He wasn’t looking at me. Or Kento. 

Kento noticed me when I spoke. He glared at me for a moment, then slowly smirked. “Ishida. Such a surprise to see you here.” 

I didn’t respond, though I heard the unspoken word in that sentence. _Alive._

He treated me to another smirk, then disappeared back down the hall the way he'd came. I looked at Kenji, who was now looking at me oddly. It was only then I realised I had been whimpering and shaking ever so slightly. I willed my body to stop, but the shakes refused. I hadn't seen any of them since they'd landed me in the hospital, and having Kento so near without warning was making me flashback. Determined, I forced my body to calm down, to stop shaking and to take deep, regular breaths. The last thing I wanted was to have a panic attack, though the flippant thought passed through my head that I couldn't be in a better place to have one. 

Staying calm did nothing to help the horrible, sickening thought in my head, however. "Kenji?" I winced when I heard myself. My voice was broken and high-pitched; I sounded terrified. Small wonder. 

Kenji stiffened when I said his name, but gave no answer. 

"Kenji!" I pleaded. 

He flinched again, but finally looked at me. 

"You... you never said why you were here." I wanted him to deny it, to give me some other reason for being here, something plausible I could readily believe, even if I knew in my heart it wouldn't be true. 

He still didn’t respond. He just stared at me, his eyes solemn and huge. He knew I knew, that I'd figured it out when Kento had spoken. And he would have immediately pieced together what I was doing here as soon I'd said I was waiting with Taichi. 

"Please," I begged him. 

"Yamato, I’m sorry," he finally said, and his voice cracked as he said it. 

"You’re related to them. Kento and Sento." 

"Brothers." The word was spoken very quietly, so soft I almost didn’t hear it. Just the same, it knocked the world out from under my feet. Almost literally. 

Kenji didn’t offer to help me up, just looked at me as I sat there on the floor, unable to get up, all my strength gone after his bombshell. "I have to go," he said, and he really did look apologetic, but it did nothing to help mend my world. Then he turned and left without another word. 

I somehow managed to crawl to a bathroom and throw up. 

* * *

Taichi looked up when I finally made it back to the waiting room a good half hour later. I knew I looked pretty pale, and I wasn't entirely steady on my feet. But Taichi barely noticed, too absorbed in his worries about Sento making it. "Hey," he said. "That was a longer walk than I thought it would be." 

"I have to go home. Right now," I blurted out, then winced. Whoops. I hadn't meant to say that. So much for my plan of pretending everything was cool. 

Taichi looked confused, and ready to protest, so I quickly tacked on an excuse. "Being back in the hospital is making me feel panicky. I'm sorry." It wasn't even really a lie, it just wasn't the reason I wanted to leave. I felt bad that I wasn't able to stay and support him, but I still felt as if I were going to fall apart at any second, and I didn't want to do it here, not here in front of everyone where they'd worry and doctors could be called to my side at any second. 

His look changed to one of concern, and he nodded. "Right. Probably best you do leave then. Thanks for staying this long." 

"No problem." I ran a shaky hand through my hair. "Call me when you know something?" 

"Yeah," he said slowly. "Whether he makes it or not, I'll call you when I can." 

I nodded, my mouth suddenly going dry. I didn't respond verbally this time, afraid that I'd be sick everywhere if I did. Taichi nearly killed one of Kenji's brothers, one that had nearly killed me. It was only really beginning to hit me just how much of a mess we were really in. 

I gave Taichi a quick hug, then turned tail and nearly ran out of there, back to the bank of elevators and down to the lobby, where I ducked outside and breathed in huge gulps of the cool night air, trying to recover a bit. At last I felt well enough to grab my cell out of my pocket and dial home, waiting impatiently for Dad to pick up. "Come get me please," I said when he finally answered, and then cursed myself for sounding on the verge of tears, knowing it would trigger his parental worry. Thankfully though, Dad didn't take the time to question me, simply told me he'd be there shortly and to wait out front for him. I hung up, and then stood there hugging myself until he arrived. I climbed into the car silently and buckled, still doing my best to stay calm. 

"Are you okay?" he asked in lieu of a greeting. 

I shook my head no, and we rode home in silence, my mind still in turmoil. Halfway there, the shakes hit again, but I managed to hold off on the crying until we'd gotten to the apartment where I promptly crawled under my blankets and finally let go, the entirety of the day hitting me hard. 

After a minute, I heard Dad walk in, and then the bed dipped down as he sat on the edge next to me. He gently pulled the covers off of my head, and then smoothed back my hair, the same way he used to when I was little and had a bad dream. It only made me cry more, desperately wishing that all the hurts of the past months could just be a bad dream that was easily soothed away with a kind touch and comforting words. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked me quietly. 

I hesitated, honestly not sure whether I wanted to get Dad involved in all of it, but he was the one that kept urging me to talk, and—he was worried. He hadn't said so, but he didn't have to. Like I'd told him, he was my dad, and I knew he was always going to worry. He deserved to know. I gave a tiny nod, and before I knew it everything came pouring out of me, my tears lessening the more I talked. How Kento's gang had beat me up after I'd ran from Dad when he'd discovered Taichi and me together, how Sento had ran his knife down my cheek and how it had reminded me of Ken running a knife down my thigh, how I'd been so fucking sure I was going to die that day and how much I didn't want to... 

Dad listened to it all quietly, letting me talk and not interrupting any. I'm not sure he really knew _what_ to say. 

"I told Taichi after our date yesterday... he was really angry. He was ranting and cursing against them, saying he wanted to hurt them for hurting me... and then today I mentioned that I was scared to go to school because I was afraid they'd somehow know I'd told on them, and he got so angry again, even though he tried to hide it." I stopped, taking a couple of deep breaths. The tears were threatening again. I really didn't want anything to happen to Taichi. Trying to distract myself, I resumed talking, going on to explain how Taichi had run into them earlier and what he'd done. 

"Damn," Dad remarked grimly when he heard how bad off Sento was. "I hope for Taichi's sake that the kid lives." 

"Me too," I said, voice trembling slightly. "But I would have been fine if it was just that, if it was just waiting to see if Sento lived. But—but I went to take a walk. And I ran into Kenji." 

"He's in your band, right?" 

I nodded. "He's our drummer. And I couldn't figure out what he was doing there. He looked fine, and I didn't know of anyone in the hospital he'd be visiting. And, and he wouldn't tell me why he was there. And then Kento came up behind him... God, they're his brothers!" I cried, my voice rising in distress. "Kento and Sento are his fucking _brothers_!" 

"He never told you this?" Dad asked, looking confused. "You never saw them at his house before?" 

"He never let us go to his house. He always said his mom didn't like people over, and he was so insistent that after a bit we just accepted it and never asked again. He didn't say it was because his brothers were fucking criminals!" I couldn't seem to keep calm, oscillating wildly between fear and anger at the knowledge of Kenji being related to them. "Oh God, they have to know Kenji and I are in the band together, they could easily find a way to get to me if they wanted, I can't believe he's fucking related to them! Why didn't he tell me?" 

Dad watched me sadly, still petting my hair every so often. He didn't have much to offer other than words of sympathy, but for the time being it was enough, and eventually I felt myself beginning to drift into sleep, the exhaustion of the day finally catching up to me. I was in a floating in a pleasant haze of half-formed slumber when Dad finally got up to leave the room. He flipped off my light, and there was a pause of footsteps before his voice softly rumbled back to me, "We'll figure this out, Yamato. You don't have to deal with all of this alone." 

His voice was soothing, and his words made me feel safe and cared for, something I'd desperately been missing over the past few months. "Love you too, Dad," I murmured sleepily, and then I was out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (25 February 2014 0422AM)
> 
> Derp. The original writing of this was before cell phones were commonplace in the US, where I live, and it never occurred to me to include them (I was also behind the times—I didn't really start using a cell phone regularly until 2010). But by the rewrite they were really common, and this takes place in a time period when they should have been common enough (and Tri, which is set around the same timeframe as this, definitely confirms that), so I tried to add some cell phone usage in when I started the rewrite. However, some of the scenes rely on the lack of cell phones, such as the one in this chapter, so it's kind of turned into this clunky alternate version of the Cell Phones Are Useless trope. Sorry.


	11. Book Two - chapter eleven - boundary lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _and these could be the best or darkest days_   
>  _the lines we walk are paper thin_   
>  _and we could pull this off or push away_   
>  _cause you me have always been_
> 
> _so close_  
>  _so close to giving up_  
>  _so close to going all the way_  
>  _so close_  
>  _so close to taking off_  
>  _so close to going nowhere_  
>  \- **Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness** , so close.

"That was kind of weird," I murmured shortly after Yamato left, tearing out of the room like the hounds of hell were nipping at his heels.

"What was?" Hikari asked, momentarily glancing up at me, before focusing her attention back on her cell phone. She'd been texting most of the night, and it was really starting to get on my nerves. She'd barely talked to since I'd told the police what had happened, and I was afraid she was scared of me, or maybe just really upset with me. I wished I could rewind time and make it so I'd never run across the gang. I really hadn't intended to go after any of them. 

"Yamato," I finally answered her. "He just left so abruptly, and he didn't look well. He seemed fine earlier." 

She shrugged, not saying anything, then smiled slightly as her phone beeped with another text. 

Irritated, I turned away from her. I stared at the wall for awhile. Shifted in my chair. Sighed loudly a couple of times, shifted some more. This was driving me crazy. I hated waiting. I just wanted to know what was going on. I wished Yamato hadn't left. We hadn't spoken much either, but at least he hadn't given me the impression that he was angry at me. His presence had been hugely comforting, and I hoped that was how I came across to him all the times I stayed by his side during his upsets. 

Snapping her phone shut suddenly, Hikari stood and started to leave, jolting me back out of my thoughts. "Where are you going?" I asked in confusion. 

"Bathroom," she replied curtly. 

I rolled my eyes in frustration, but wisely stayed silent. Not long after she left, one of the policemen from earlier stepped into the room, looking for my parents. "Mr. Yagami?" 

Both Dad and Mom got up, and the three of them went out into the hall, where they had a brief hushed conversation. I watched with interest, wondering what was going on and if we'd finally be allowed to leave. I was tired, I really wanted nothing more than to go home and crawl in bed. All my adrenaline had run out not long after Jou had found me earlier. 

A few minutes later, the policeman left, and my parents came back into the room, heading towards me. I stood up in anticipation. "Are we allowed to go now?" I asked. "He's alive?" I figured if it had been worse news, my parents wouldn't have looked so calm. 

Dad nodded. "He's alive. He's out of surgery and in recovery. Apparently it wasn't as bad as they first thought. We're being allowed to leave for now, as long as we don't leave town for a few days. It'll be up to the boy's family if they want to formally press charges." 

I sagged back into the chair in relief. Sento was alive. I hadn't killed him. And though I didn't know anything about his family, I wasn't too worried about any charges anymore. For one, the police had seemed more sympathetic to me than to Sento. Their little gang had too many run-ins with the police for them to garner much sympathy. And two, if Kento and Sento had any say in it, they'd prefer to deal with me themselves, not let the police handle it. Which was a whole new worry in itself, but at least I wouldn't be shipped off to jail for murder. 

I looked up at Dad. "So are we going home then?" 

"Yes, we're going home." Dad looked around the room. "Where's your sister at?" 

"She went to the bathroom. She should be back soon. I can wait on her, if you guys want to go on ahead," I offered. 

"I'll be out in the car then," Mom immediately said, and didn't waste any time heading out. 

I winced. After making sure I wasn't hurt when she first got to the hospital, Mom hadn't really talked to me. She wasn't avoiding me exactly, but I couldn't help feeling that she was scared of me. I suppose it was a bit of a shock to find out your son almost beat another person to death, but still... It wasn't like I'd meant to, and Sento wasn't exactly an upstanding citizen in the first place. She should have understood I'd never hurt her or anyone else I cared about. 

"Once your sister gets back, come straight out front, alright?" 

I nodded at Dad. "We will." 

Once he left, I slouched back down in my seat, waiting for Hikari and wondering what I could do to make Mom be less scared of me. I also wondered again if Hikari felt the same way, and if Dad was afraid of me as well. I didn't really _think_ Dad was, he seemed to be acting normal enough around me, but Hikari I was less sure about. She wasn't keeping her distance from me, but again, she hadn't spoken to me much since she'd gotten to the hospital. She really only spoke when necessary, and barely replied to anything I said to her. I didn't know if that meant she was scared or upset or just completely didn't know what to say to me. 

When Hikari came back she looked around in confusion. "Where are Mom and Dad?" 

"They're out in the car waiting. The police said we could leave, Sento's fine and it's up to his family to press charges." 

"Okay." Hikari went and grabbed our jackets from where they'd been draped on a chair, then silently left the room. 

I left her alone until we were in the elevator heading down. "Are you scared of me?" 

She blinked, and looked at me. "What?" 

I shifted, uncomfortable. "I think Mom's scared of me. She seems to be avoiding me. You're barely talking to me, so I was wondering if you were scared of me too." 

She studied me for a second, seemingly trying to find the right words to say. "Not scared of you, exactly," she finally said slowly. "More just... scared of what you did?" 

"I wouldn't ever hurt you, Hikari, or anyone else I cared about." 

"I know, Taichi. But before this, I believed you wouldn't hurt _anyone_ like that, whether you cared about them or not. I would have said you didn't have it in you. Now I know otherwise." She exhaled heavily, her solemn eyes watching me carefully. "That is what's scary." 

I didn't really have anything to say to that. 

* * *

I woke the next morning to find my parents gone and my sister still asleep in her room. I looked at the clock on the microwave, noting the time in confusion. It wasn't too late, only around ten in the morning, but I should have been in school a few hours ago. It wasn't like either of my parents to let me stay home when I wasn't sick. I wondered where they were. Well, Dad was likely at work, but I didn't have a clue where Mom might have gone. 

I didn't have much time to dwell on it though, as a knock sounded at the door. "Just a minute!" I called, and quickly scrambled to my room to throw some clothes on before going to answer it. I frowned when I pulled open the door and spotted Kenji. Why wasn't he in school either? Was there a holiday I just didn't remember? 

"Kenji?" I asked. 

"Hey, Taichi," he said, and tried to smile at me, but he seemed uncomfortable. Had he somehow already heard about what I'd done? "Look, I probably shouldn't be here, but I need to talk to you. Can I come in?" 

I stared at him, not understanding in the least. After a moment, I figured what the hell, and held the door open wide to let him in. Since Hikari was still asleep in her bedroom, which was located right next to my room, I kept us in the living room for a bit of privacy and so we wouldn't disturb her. After we'd settled on the couch, I turned to face him. "Okay, so what is this about?" 

Kenji sighed, and looked down at his lap, fiddling absently with the edge of his shirt. He seemed to want to be anywhere but here. It was weird to see him so serious-looking, he was always so carefree and happy at school. "Well, Yamato accidentally found this out last night, and sooner or later you probably would too, so I might as well tell you myself." 

"Tell me what?" I demanded, suddenly not liking how this conversation was sounding. 

He hesitated for a moment, and then just came out with it. "Kento and Sento are my older brothers." 

I stared for a long minute, completely speechless. I was blown away, without a clue what to say. I'd certainly never expected anything like that. Suddenly Yamato's disappearing act last night made a whole lot more sense, if this was what he'd found out. "I... what? You're in the same grade though..." Yeah, _that_ was the first thing my brain focused on. 

"They had to repeat first grade. They're a year older than me," he explained warily. 

"You... why did you never tell me? Or Yamato, at the very least?" 

He looked away from me. "Would you tell anyone you were related to them?" he asked quietly. 

I had to admit, he had a point. Still, it didn't keep me from growing angry. He should have told us after our first run-in with Kento's gang awhile back. "You should have told us," I insisted, agitated. "Why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you ever try to stop them, or warn us, or something? They almost killed Yamato! You should know what they're like! How could you just keep quiet after something like that? You're supposed to be our friend!" 

Kenji shook his head, giving me a confused glance. "What are you talking about? You're the one that nearly killed Sento," he said, a bit accusingly. "And from what I remember, they barely had a chance to touch Yamato before you punched Kento in the nose. So don't get at mad at me for not telling you something you didn't have a reason to know! I'm the one that should be mad at you!" 

I closed my eyes, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm back down. It was perfectly reasonable that he didn't know. I doubted he spent a lot of time around his brothers, and they probably didn't go home to brag to him about the people they'd tormented. Wearily, I begin to explain, keeping my eyes closed. I didn't want to see Kenji's face while I told him about how his brothers nearly killed one of his close friends. "Yamato got in a fight with his dad one day a few weeks ago and ran out of the apartment upset. Apparently he ran into your brother's gang, and they beat him badly enough to put him in the hospital. Your oh so lovely brother Sento also pulled a knife on him, threatening him with it." I paused to swallow, not wanting to start crying. It still made me so angry and horrified even thinking about what they'd done to him... 

Collected once more, I continued on. "They beat him to unconsciousness, and two girls passing by found him and called an ambulance. If they hadn't come by when they did, he might have died. Your scum brothers nearly killed him." I opened my eyes finally, glaring at him. "So if you came here to get all high and mighty over what I did to Sento, don't bother. The only reason I regret it is because it hurt Yamato to know I lost that much control. Sento deserved it. Don't even try to defend him." 

"I'm not defending him!" Kenji said incredulously. 

"Sure seems like it to me!" I bit out angrily. "Coming over and telling me you should be mad because I beat up your precious criminal brother!" 

"Shut up!" he yelled, taking me by surprise. I started and shifted a bit further away from him. "You know nothing," he hissed, seething in sudden anger. "I'm not mad for Sento's sake! I _hate_ them. You couldn't even begin to understand. I know what they are, better than anyone. Do you really think I wouldn't, Taichi, living with them for seventeen years? Don't you think I know better than anyone else just how awful my brothers are? Do you want to know?" he demanded angrily, and I didn't even try to stop him. He was on a roll, letting out things that I had the feeling he'd kept bottled up his entire life. 

"When I was six—" His voice wavered, but he didn't even stop. "When I was six, they came into my room one night. I was asleep, but I woke up when they grabbed me. They were only a year older than me, but I was already so terrified by them that I didn't even try to resist. Sento held me down while Kento shined a flashlight into my eyes so I couldn't see, then they took turns beating on me and attempting to smother me with a pillow. I cried the entire time, but I already knew better than to make a sound that would alert our parents. I nearly passed out several times, but I never told. Kento threatened to kill me if I did. And they did this several times a month after that." 

I sat there listening to him with growing horror, feeling sicker by the minute. "Kenji, stop," I tried, but he just kept on going. 

"They murdered our father when they were fourteen. Worse, they got away with it! I was hiding out of sight, watching and listening to all of it, but I never told a soul, even when the police couldn't solve it. I wasn't stupid, I didn't want to die. Every day, I lived in fear of them and what they would do to me or anyone else I cared about if I ever told their secrets. So yes, Taichi, I know. I fucking know well just what they're like! Don't you ever dare try to tell me different!" 

I was crying by now, tears dripping silently down my cheeks as I stared at him in shock. "Why would you tell me all of this?" 

"So you'll know," he said bitterly. "So you'll understand that _I_ understand very well how they are, and I wouldn't ever defend them voluntarily. I hate them, Taichi. I hate them more than you ever will." 

I swallowed heavily, afraid if I opened my mouth to respond to that, I'd throw up. We sat in silence for a bit, with me just simply trying to process all I'd just heard. Eventually, I thought that I might be able to speak again without getting sick. "So... you didn't know what they'd done to Yamato then?" I asked softly, finally wiping at the tears on my face. I'd at last stopped crying. 

He shook his head, regret written all over his face. "No. I didn't know. They barely come home anymore. I don't know where they spend most of their time, or what exactly they get up. I don't want to know, honestly. They used to drag me along with them sometimes when we were younger, make me watch them beat up kids. I hated it. I started learning to avoid them as soon as I was old enough to be outside on my own. All I really knew between them and Yamato was that first incident near the school, when you punched Kento. I didn't know about anything else. Yamato never said anything." 

I sighed. "He didn't tell anyone right away. Actually, I'm not sure his dad even knows yet. I probably shouldn't be telling you. He only told me Sunday night." 

"So is that why you attacked my brothers then? Because you just found out and wanted revenge?" 

I winced, scrubbed a hand over my face. Just having this conversation yet again was making me exhausted. "Not exactly. I was on the way home from Yamato's and found them beating up a little kid. I kept remembering what they'd did to Yamato, and I just lost it. I don't even remember most of it until Jou was pulling me off Sento, and then I looked down to see what I'd done." 

"Kento will probably try to place the blame all on you, saying you attacked them without any provocation." Kenji pointed out to me grimly. 

"What do you mean? They were beating up some little kid! And they hurt Yamato! That's bullshit!" 

"And I'm sure this kid stuck around so you could get his name and use him as a witness?" 

"Well no, but—" 

"Exactly. So right now it simply looks like you attacked first without any real reason." 

"They put Yamato in the hospital!" 

"And by your admission, Yamato has yet to admit to anyone else—other than you—that it was them." 

"Why are you defending them, Kenji?" I demanded, getting angry again. "You just told me all that shit, said you hated them! So why are you siding with them now?" 

"I'm not siding with them!" he shouted, and I thought it was a miracle we hadn't woken Hikari yet. "I'm just being realistic! You don't seem to understand how serious this is." 

I scoffed. "I could have been locked away for killing your brother, of course I do." 

"You don't!" He stopped, looked me dead in the eye. "Listen, Kento is... Well, the easiest way to put is that he's not human. Not like you or me. He doesn't have any morals to hold him back, no boundary lines to stop him from doing something. He lies to people and manipulates them to get his way, and he lacks any sort of remorse for it. It sounds cold, but he simply doesn't have any feelings or emotions the way normal people do. He cares for no one at all, and that makes him completely ruthless and dangerous. So if he decides he wants to go after you or possibly get the law after you for hurting Sento, then he won't stop until he's gotten exactly what he wants." 

"I don't understand," I protested. "You say he doesn't have any emotions or care for anybody, but if that's true, then why should he even care what happens to Sento and that I'm the one who did it?" 

"He sees Sento as his, as something to own. He only 'cares' for Sento in the sense that he wants to keep Sento under his thumb, and only as long as he deems Sento to still be useful to him. You hurt his property, more or less, and since you didn't render it completely useless he wants you to pay for that." 

"This is such a crazy mess," I groaned in despair. "I didn't want for any of this to happen! I just wanted to keep Yamato from getting hurt." 

"Well, if it's any consolation, I don't really think Kento's all that likely to involve the police, though I do think you should be prepared for the possibility." 

"No, he'll just come after me himself. Yeah, that makes me feel so much better, thanks," I grumbled sarcastically. 

"I'm sorry, Taichi." He sighed, and got to his feet. "I really need to get going. Mom's still at the hospital, she shouldn't have to be alone right now. I just wanted to warn you that Kento is on the warpath, and both you and Yamato should be very careful for awhile. Avoid him at all costs." 

I stood also, and saw him to the door. "Yeah, I thought he would be. But having it confirmed is a good thing. And... thanks for telling me the truth. I'm sorry I got mad at you." 

Kenji shrugged. "It's okay. It was a bit of shock. Just... understand if I keep my distance sometimes. I don't want to make things any worse for you guys." 

I nodded. "I understand. See you around, Kenji." 

* * *

Mom came home a little while after Kenji left, bags of groceries held in her hands. I greeted her and asked if she needed any help putting things away, but she merely shook her head at me and told me to go work on my homework. I sighed and went to my room as she wanted, though I didn't pull out of any my school books. Apparently my mom was still avoiding me. It was upsetting. I spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out in my room reading manga, hoping that if I just left her alone for awhile, she'd get over it and come apologise. But by the time Dad got home from work that evening, I had yet to hear anything from her even once. Hikari, at least, seemed to be talking normally to me again, but it seemed Mom wasn't going to give in so easily. 

I left my bedroom and went to talk to Dad, hoping he'd have some advice for me. I found alone him in my parents' bedroom, hanging up his tie. "Dad?" 

"Yeah, buddy?" 

I hovered uncertainly in the doorway. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" 

Dad looked up from pulling off his suit jacket and smiled at me warmly. "Of course. Come in and have a seat." 

I did so hesitantly, shutting the door behind me and then plopping down on the side of the bed. 

"So what's up?" Dad asked, sitting down beside me. 

"Well, I was just wondering..." I paused, and started tracing the pattern of the threads in their comforter, studiously not looking at him. "Are you scared of me?" 

"Scared of you?" Dad repeated, sounding confused. "Of course not." 

"I think Mom is. She's been avoiding me all day, and she barely talks to me." 

I heard Dad let out a sigh. "Well, you did do a number on that poor kid—" 

"He deserved it," I mumbled. 

"Whether he did or didn't, it was a bit of a shock to learn about it. I think she just isn't quite sure what to think of everything right now. I don't really think she's scared of you, she knows you'd never hurt her. She just needs a little more time to process it all. Just give her some space for now, I promise she'll come around." 

I nodded, hoping that he was right. "They put Yamato in the hospital." 

Dad glanced over at me, contemplating. "You wanted to hurt them in return?" 

"Yeah. Well, not deliberately. I wanted them to hurt the way they hurt him, but I didn't purposely go looking for them. I ran into them beating up another kid, and lost it. I really didn't mean to do all that, Dad." 

Dad sighed, and got up. "I'll talk to your mother. In the meantime, let's go grab some dinner, huh?" 

For once, the prospect of food didn't appeal to me at all, but I didn't want to worry Dad, so I just grinned and said, "Sounds good to me!" 

After dinner, which had been a very awkward and largely silent affair, what with Mom still not talking to me and everyone else attempting and failing to make conversation, I went back into my bedroom and grabbed my cell. The only good thing that had come out of dinner was the police calling in the middle of it, letting us know the Jin family had decided not to press charges. I needed to call Yamato, let him know what was going on. I was actually a little surprised he hadn't already tried calling me, as I really doubted he'd gone to school today either. 

I climbed on the bed as I punched in Yamato's number, then held the phone to my ear, listening to it ring. I always liked to see how many rings before someone picked up. One... two... three... four... 

"Hello, Ishida residence." 

"Hi, Mr. Ishida, it's Taichi," I greeted. "Can I speak to Yamato?" 

"I'm sorry, Taichi, he's not been feeling well today, and he's asleep right now." 

"Oh." My face fell. I'd really wanted to talk to him, tell him the good news. And discuss what we'd apparently both learned about Kenji... "Well, when he wakes up, can you have him call me if he's up to it? I have something important I need to tell him." 

"Of course." 

"Thanks, Mr. Ishida. Bye." 

"Goodbye, Taichi." We hung up, and I sat there on my bed for a minute, unmoving. I knew how to translate Mr. Ishida's code by now. Not feeling well meant he was upset and avoiding everything. I wondered if he was more upset over what I'd done or what he'd learned about Kenji. Though really, it was likely both. 

At least now I knew why he'd left so abruptly last night, and why he'd looked like he was about to fall over. He must have just ran into Kenji who was there waiting with his mom and learned the truth. I wish he'd mentioned that to me before he left. But no, he always had to keep things hidden, never telling anyone what was wrong or what was going on inside that head of his. I just wished he would learn to ask for help for once. I sighed and got up, heading over to my desk. I figured I might as well do the homework I'd never finished last night while I waited, in case any of my teachers still wanted to accept it tomorrow. I didn't think I'd be allowed to stay home for another day, and as long as Mom was still avoiding me I really didn't want to. 

After an hour of wrestling with my history essay, I finally heard the much welcomed sound of my phone ringing. I practically leapt out of my chair and dove towards my bed, where I'd left the phone after hanging up earlier. 

"Hello?" I asked a bit breathlessly. 

"Taichi, hey," Yamato's quiet voice greeted me. "Dad said you called earlier?" 

"Yamato! Hi, yeah, I needed to talk to you." 

"About what?" 

"I don't really want to do it over the phone, it's kind of important. I know it's getting a bit late, but is it okay if I come over?" 

"Yeah, that's fine. Just for a little bit though, okay?" 

"Of course. Thanks, Yamato. See you soon." 

I hung up and rushed out of my room, stopping briefly to let Dad know where I was going and to grab my jacket and shoes. Then I headed over, walking the short route quickly. Mr. Ishida let me in when I knocked, simply gesturing towards Yamato's room where I assumed my boyfriend had holed himself up yet again. At least the door wasn't shut this time. 

"Hey," I greeted him, giving him a small smile. I remained in the doorway, uncertain whether he was mad at me or anything. 

"Hey," he returned. He sounded tired. I wondered if nightmares had kept him up all night again. "Come on in." 

I did, choosing to sit at his desk rather than on his bed with him. I didn't want to crowd him if he needed the space from me. "So... Sento's been out of surgery since last night. Turns out he wasn't as bad off as they initially thought." 

"Really?" Yamato looked at me hopefully. "So he's definitely going to be okay then?" 

"Yeah, they think so." 

"So what does that mean for you then?" 

I shrugged. "Well, they said last night it'd be up to Sento's family to press charges, but they've apparently decided not to, so I guess nothing, at least not legally." 

"Good." He was visibly relieved, his whole posture relaxing. I hadn't even realised just how tense he'd been until then. 

"That's not all, though..." 

He tensed up again, just a bit, a wary expression stealing over his face. "No?" 

I shook my head. "Kenji came to see me this morning. He told me." 

He looked away. "They're his brothers. I didn't know," he said in a small voice. "I came across him last night, and Kento came up to him..." 

"You could have told me. I was worried when you suddenly left." 

"I'm sorry," he said, contrite. "I was in too much shock to really think straight. I had actually gotten sick over it, I just really wanted to go home and sleep before I tried to think about it." 

"Trust me, I get it. Kenji told me a few things about them that had me crying and nearly throwing up myself." 

"Like what?" Yamato asked curiously. 

I looked away. "Just a bit of what it was like growing up with them. I... I don't really want to get into it, it was really horrifying and I don't think it's my place to tell you." 

"Right. I should know that better than anyone. Sorry." 

I waved it away, then hesitated. Yamato had likely also realised this himself already, but I wasn't sure if talking about it would get him upset again. But I also didn't feel it was something I could just _not_ mention. "He also came over to warn me." 

"Kento's going to retaliate?" His voice was grim but calm, as if he'd spent a lot of time already thinking about what was going to happen and accepted it as inevitable. It was impressive. I only wished I could feel that accepting. The thought of Kento's retaliation brought up many different feelings in me, all tumbling around in a jumbled mess inside me, leaving me terrified and uncertain of the future. 

But since Yamato had enough on his plate without having to worry about how I was dealing with it, I didn't let on how much it scared me. "Most likely," I said, shrugging at him. "He said something about how Kento sees Sento as his property, and that I damaged it so he'll want to make me pay. He said all this stuff about how Kento wasn't like normal people and didn't have feelings, that he didn't actually care for people at all, I'm not sure I really understood all of it. But he thinks it's a very good chance that Kento will come after both of us, so we should be very careful and try to avoid him if at all possible." 

A sudden choked off noise made me stop talking and look back at Yamato. I was shocked to see that he was crying silently, shoulders shaking, trying to muffle any sobs with a fist stuffed against his mouth. I'd worried about his reaction, but he'd seemed okay only a moment ago—I certainly hadn't expected tears. "Yamato!" I got up immediately and hurried over to him, plopping down beside him and drawing him into a hug. "Please, don't cry. What's wrong?" 

"I'm sorry," he sobbed. 

I hushed him. "No, don't be sorry. It's okay. Just tell me what's wrong?" I started to rub his back, my hands moving in soothing circles, wanting him to calm down. 

"It's just... everything is such a fucked up mess now," he choked out. "And I don't blame you for it, I know you didn't mean to, but I wish it hadn't happened." He started crying harder. "I just thought I was done fearing for my life when Ken got locked up." 

I winced, feeling absolutely awful inside. "Everything will be okay, Yamato, you'll see," I murmured, hugging him tighter, even though I didn't really believe it myself. 

"I don't want to lose you, Taichi, I couldn't stand it." 

"Shh, you won't lose me, okay?" 

"Promise?" he asked, but then immediately shook his head. "No, that's not fair of me to ask." 

"I don't care, I promise anyways," I replied, reaching up to gently run my fingers through his hair. 

He let out a little sound of contentment, snuggling up closer to me, his sobs finally lessening. "Please don't ever do something like that again, Taichi, I can't bear it," he mumbled. 

"I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to." 

"I know," he breathed out. "Love you..." 

"Love you too," I said quietly. 

It was only ten minutes later that I realised he'd fallen asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (03 march 2014 0924PM)


	12. Book Two - chapter twelve - blurring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _in the evening, after I spent the whole day a crying mess,_   
>  _I wished for nothing but to be stronger_   
>  _I was searching for_   
>  _the courage I would need to achieve that goal_
> 
> _even if a cruel fate has been carved in stone,_  
>  _poised to reveal itself before me someday..._  
>  _as long as I have a moment, this moment, where I can breathe,_  
>  _I can hold on to the feeling that none of it really matters_  
>  \- **Kenshi Yonezu** , peace sign.

“Yamato. Yamato, wake up.”

I groaned, and shrugged off Dad’s gentle shaking. “I’m up,” I mumbled, still half asleep. “What’s wrong?” 

“You need to get up and get ready for school. You’re going to be late if you don’t get up now.” 

I let out another groan, this time one of exasperation. “Can’t I please stay home today?” I asked, trying to keep the whine out of my voice. 

“No.”’ Dad’s voice was firm. “I let you have yesterday and Monday, but you’ve missed enough school already to keep doing this. You need to go today.” 

I sighed and tried to ignore the twinge of anxiety in my chest at the thought of going to school, and facing Kenji and maybe Kento. Kenji would just be awkward. Kento, though... I was terrified at the thought of what he might do for revenge. If Kenji had taken the time to warn Taichi about it, there was no question of _if_ he came after us. At the same time, Dad _did_ have a point. I couldn’t keep avoiding school forever. “Fine, fine, I’ll go...” I grumbled unhappily. 

“Thank you.” Dad nodded, satisfied, and left the room to let me get dressed in peace. 

Fifteen minutes later, I felt I was ready enough and walked into the kitchen to say bye to Dad. “I’m leaving now,” I announced. 

Dad looked me over, but tactfully chose not to remark on my rumpled clothes and barely brushed hair. Before, I would have cringed at the thought of going out looking less than perfect, but over the past few months I’d come to learn some things really didn’t matter all that much. And I’m sure Dad was just happy enough to have me going to school to make a big deal out of my appearance. 

“Alright. And I know you usually hang out with Taichi here after school, but don’t forget you promised Takeru some quality time today, for a belated birthday celebration.” 

“Right. I know, Dad.” I’d actually completely forgotten he’d called the other night asking for it. So much stuff kept happening, I felt too consumed by my worry about Taichi and Kento and Kenji... “I’ll see you tonight.” 

He waved me on, and I headed off for school. When I got there, the first thing I did was look around for Kenji or Kento, but I didn’t see either of them. I hadn’t been entirely sure if they would show today, as I didn’t know when Sento would be released from the hospital. I supposed I would know for sure in third period, at least for Kenji. But so far it seemed I had a reprieve. 

My relief was short-lived though, for after homeroom, I passed Tetsuya in the hallway outside my second period class. He didn’t say anything to me, didn’t do anything to me other than just direct a glare of intense hatred in my direction, but that was more than enough to make my heart start pounding and my knees go weak. 

When I got to third period, Kenji wasn’t there, but the others were. I didn’t tell Taichi about Tetsuya’s glare. I didn’t want to worry him. 

* * *

“So how are things between you and Daisuke going?” 

Takeru shrugged at me, a small grin gracing his mouth. “We’re fine. We go out a lot. Sometimes it’s not all that different from when we were just friends.” He grinned again, a little bit bigger this time. “Sometimes it is.” 

I laughed a bit. “Have you told Natsuko about it yet?” 

He looked away from me, down at his half-empty bowl of noodles. “I’m not ready.” 

“Takeru, hey. Look at me,” I said gently. I waited until he was looking up at me again before continuing. “There’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t be ashamed of it. I told you before, there’s no rush, okay? I wasn’t judging you for it, I was just curious. Alright?” 

He nodded, giving me a smile. “Okay.” 

We ate in silence for a few minutes, with Takeru finishing much faster than me. “Can I ask you about something?” he asked hesitatingly once his bowl was empty. 

I looked down at my own bowl, still a third full, and knew I wouldn’t be finishing it. I pushed it away. “Go ahead,” I replied calmly, though I was already dreading his question. Whatever it was, I probably wouldn’t like it. 

“Well, it’s just... I heard from Hikari that you stayed round Taichi’s over the weekend, and somehow Miyako set you—” 

“Not here,” I said, cutting him off. I sighed, and wondered why I hadn’t asked Taichi to keep Hikari quiet. I knew her tendency to tell Takeru _everything_ , not that I could entirely fault her for it. They were best friends, after all. “Let’s go outside.” 

He nodded, and we quickly paid up and set out towards the park near my apartment. When we got there we just wandered aimlessly around the paths for a bit. I knew Takeru was waiting for me to speak up, but I really didn’t want to talk about it with him. I hated for my little brother to see how I weak I was. I didn’t want to destroy that little bit of hero-worship that I knew he had left. 

“So Hikari said she managed to trigger you into a panic attack,” he eventually said, when it was clear I wasn’t going to talk. 

I resisted the urge to rub my forehead, annoyed I had to have this conversation a second time. Just the thought of it was giving me a headache already. “Come on.” I motioned for him to follow me, and went to my usual tree. Once we had settled down under it, I looked directly at him. “I didn’t tell you for the same reason I didn’t tell Dad. I didn’t think it was important. I have flashbacks about Ken all the time, and a lot of them have turned into panic attacks. The one Miyako triggered wasn’t any different.” 

“But it is important,” he protested. “You’re my brother, I want to know when something is hurting you. I didn’t even know you had them often. I thought you only had the one at your apartment a few weeks ago.” 

I shook my head. “No. And given the things that Miyako was saying to me, it’s really not surprising I got triggered.” 

“What do you mean? What things?” 

“What, Hikari didn’t tell you that part?” I asked sarcastically, but quickly regretted it. “Sorry, never mind that. I’m sure you’ve heard all the rumours about Ken and me circulating around school?” 

He scoffed. “Sure, who hasn’t, but I’m not stupid enough to believe them. Whatever Ken did to you, I know it wasn’t by your choice.” 

I swallowed hard for a moment, loving my brother all the more for his unwavering belief in me. “Right. Well I guess Miyako is that stupid.” 

“She believed them?” he asked in disbelief. 

I lifted a shoulder half-heartedly before letting it drop again. “I guess. She certainly kept asking me about it, saying how she couldn’t believe Ken would do something like that... I mean, in a way, I suppose I can understand that much at least, I wouldn’t have believed it of him before either. But the way she confronted me was wrong, and obviously it upset me greatly.” 

_Are you sure you didn’t make it up because of a fight or something?_ I shuddered, recalling her words. They still stung now, thinking of them. They still reminded me of Ken mocking the idea of me telling anyone. It still hurt to think that Ken had become someone so different from the friend he’d been before, that he could become someone that cruel and indifferent to my pain. 

“Yamato?” 

“Huh?” I jerked my head up, realising then that I’d let myself become lost in memories again, and was pretty close to crying. I took a few deep breaths, trying to steady myself. “Sorry.” I forcefully shoved the memories away. Now was not the time; I didn’t want Takeru to see me cry. “Sometimes I just still can’t really believe all the things Ken did to me...” 

“What _did_ Ken do to you, exactly?” he asked quietly. “I mean, I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but I don’t really know anything beyond that Mom said he raped you, and it wasn’t just once.” 

I bit my lip, and started pulling at tufts of grass, letting the blades slide through my fingers. “It was bad, Takeru,” I said softly, and cursed my voice for wobbling just a little. “I don’t want to tell you a lot of it. I don’t want to _think_ about most of it.” 

“It’s okay,” he reassured me. “You don’t have to.” 

“The scars you saw in the hospital. That was the first and only time I threatened to Ken that I was going to tell someone what he was doing. He made it clear to me that he didn’t consider that an option. At the time I didn’t see any other way out. He broke my wrist when he found out what I’d tried to do.” I paused, everything coming to the front of my mind so clear as I talked about it again. All the fear I’d felt then still felt so real. 

“Yamato.” Takeru looked sick at what he was hearing, but he _had_ asked. And I couldn’t stop now that I’d started. 

“A couple of weeks later, I came out of the bathroom from a shower and found him laying on my bed like he owned it. It made me so mad, I didn’t even think, I just told him to get out. For that he chased me down the hallway before catching up to me in the kitchen and stabbing me.” I closed my eyes briefly, that spark of terror of knowing he would kill me if he caught me rushing over me again. 

“I’m sorry.” My brother honestly looked as if he regretted asking. 

I shrugged. “It happened. I don’t really know why. Ken decided he wanted me, and so he took what he wanted. I can’t change it. I can only move on from it. But just understand that it was _bad_ , and he also did a lot of horrible things to me sexually, things I can’t bring myself to talk about, but are likely to set me off into a panic attack right now if I get reminded too much of them. Not telling you isn’t a slight against you, okay? There’s just too many to tell you about every single one.” 

He nodded, a couple of tears slipping down his cheeks. “I understand. I’m sorry for asking.” 

“Takeru, no. Don’t cry,” I said, dismayed. “I didn’t tell you to make you cry. And I wasn’t mad at you for asking. I just wanted you to have an understanding of how bad things were, and why I didn’t tell you specifically about this weekend. Please don’t cry,” I begged. 

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “It just hurts me knowing you had to suffer all of that. You didn’t deserve it.” 

“That’s life,” I said wryly. “Bad things happen to good people. Isn’t that always how it goes?” 

“I miss the Digital World. Even when bad things happened to us, we always came out on top in the end. I wish our world could be the same way.” 

“Isn’t it, though? I mean, I’m here and alive and well as I can be, and Ken was locked up.” 

“Yeah, but Mom said he escaped.” 

“They’ll catch him again,” I said, with a confidence I didn’t really feel. “Come on.” I stood up, reaching out a hand to him. “It’s getting late. We should get you home before Natsuko starts to call around looking for you again.” 

He gripped my hand and got to his feet so we could start heading towards his apartment. “Why do you always have to call her Natsuko?” He griped. “She’s your mom too, you know.” 

“Because that’s her name,” I said, hoping he’d just drop it. Sure, she may have been my mom, but that didn’t really make her my _mom_. She didn’t really care about me, and she certainly didn’t act like a mom to me. 

Unfortunately, he didn’t drop it. “Kids don’t typically call their parents by their first names. You don’t call Dad by his name,” he pointed out. “I know you don’t get along with her great, but you could still call her Mom.” 

“She’s _not_ my mom!” I snarled, upset that he wouldn’t just drop it. “She hasn’t been my mom since the day _you_ were born!” 

His eyes widened; he stopped walking and just looked at me. "I never asked to be her favourite," he said in a small voice that trembled when he spoke. "I never did anything to be..." 

I stopped walking too, internally yelling at myself for being such an asshole. “Takeru, I’m sorry. I didn’t really mean it like that...” I trailed off helplessly, knowing that anything I said would be inadequate right now as long as my words were still ringing in his ears. 

“Sure you did,” he told me, voice still shaking slightly. “And I suppose I deserved it; after all, I had to ask.” 

I bit down on my lip and didn't say anything else, and the rest of the walk home was spent in uncomfortable silence. 

* * *

“I’m home,” I said as I walked in the door, the fatigue I felt evident in my voice. 

“Welcome home,” Dad greeted me, surprising me. He usually wasn’t home this early. “You okay?” 

“Yeah. Takeru and I went out to eat. It was just kind of a long day.” 

“Want to talk about it?” 

I shook my head, heading into the kitchen for a glass of water, my throat feeling a bit dry after the talking I’d done earlier. “Not really.” 

“You sure?” Dad asked, following me to kitchen and stopping in the doorway. “You seem down.” 

“Dad,” I said, warning in my voice as I set my now empty glass on the counter with a bit more force than I meant. “Nothing really bad happened, I promise,” I said, making my voice gentler. “No panic attacks or anything. Just tough conversation. I don’t want to talk right now. I’m really tired and just want to lay down.” 

Dad was quiet for a moment, but then gave me a small smile. “No pushing. Okay. Go lay down. I’ll be here if you change your mind.” 

I gave him a grateful smile. “Thanks.” I quickly moved my glass to the sink, and headed down the hall to my room. I dropped my bookbag by my desk, only taking the time to dig my cell phone out of it, then stretched myself across my bed and dialled Taichi. 

“Taichi, can you do me a favour?” I asked once he’d picked up. 

“Hello to you too,” he returned cheerfully. 

I rolled my eyes. “Hi, Taichi. Can you pretty please do me a favour?” 

“Sure, anything for the lovely Yamato,” he said sincerely. 

I groaned. “You’re impossible...” 

“That’s why you love me,” he said, still cheerful. 

I sighed. “Look, can you see if Hikari will talk to Takeru for me? I sort of accidentally insulted him without really meaning to...” 

“So why don’t _you_ talk to him?” he asked me. It was a reasonable question, I had to admit. I still wish he hadn’t asked. 

“I don’t think he really wants to talk to me right now. I, uh, well, he got annoyed that I kept calling Natsuko by her name, and I sort of implied that she quit being my mom when he came into the picture...” 

“Ouch,” he said. “I can see why he wouldn’t want to talk to you. Can’t really blame him, poor kid.” 

“Yeah,” I said, wincing. “I really didn’t mean it, we were just talking some about Ken beforehand and I was kind of on edge, and him pushing me about Natsuko made me snap a bit. I tried to tell him I was sorry, but he wasn’t really having it.” 

I heard him sigh. “So you want Hikari to see how mad he is?” 

“Please, Taichi? It doesn’t have to be right now, just whenever she sees him at school tomorrow. It’d really help me out.” 

“Alright. I’ll ask her. And hey, I gotta go. I’ll see you in school tomorrow?” 

“Thanks, you’re the greatest,” I said relieved. “And yes, I’ll be there. Walk with me in the morning?” 

“Sure thing. Bye, Yamato.” 

“Bye.” I hung up, and set my phone on my night stand before I rolled over on my back and stared up at the ceiling. I was trying to not think about having to go to school tomorrow, so of course that was occupying my every thought. 

I was dreading school, as usual, but now it was worse. For one, Ny had implied Kenji would be back at school tomorrow, though how _he_ knew that I had no clue. Ny didn’t really have any reason to know what was going on. But Kenji being back meant two things. One, I’d have to face him, which wasn’t really that bad, but I was still a bit embarrassed at how I’d bolted on him in the hospital before. And two, Kenji being back meant Kento was also likely to be back, and maybe Sento if he was well enough. 

And there was the fact that Tetsuya had glared at me this morning... 

Something was up. Kento’s gang was definitely going to do something soon. I just didn’t know what, or when, or exactly who to. And I really didn’t know if telling anybody would do anything. I mean, Dad sort of knew now—he knew they were the ones to put me in the hospital, and that they _might_ retaliate for what Taichi did, but I didn't know if he grasped how serious it really was. He _had_ gone and talked to my school yesterday, but they'd told him there wasn't much they could do unless something happened. After all, what _could_ they do? I didn’t have specifics, or proof. How could I expect anybody to protect me from an unknown attack? 

I curled up on my side and began to cry softly, wishing everything could go away and go back to normal, to the way it was before. I hated that this was my life now. Nothing felt right. I just wanted to be normal again. 

* * *

The morning at school was difficult. Classes themselves weren’t so bad, but in-between... I spent most of the morning in a blur of fear, just waiting for Kento to accost Taichi or me and try to start something. I found I couldn’t really pay close attention in my classes, and I got reprimanded more than a few times by my teachers. Taichi and Kenji at least understood my distraction, and didn’t really pester me about it, but I could tell Ny and Ratz were confused about what was up with me. 

However, by the time lunch rolled around, nothing had happened, and I began to relax slightly. Really, the more I thought about it, the more likely it seemed that they wouldn’t actually try anything during school. It was usually before or after, because there was less chance of a fight getting broken up by teachers. 

Once the bell rang signalling the end of fifth period, I absently gathered up my books and headed out to the hallway, telling Taichi to go on ahead to the lunch room and I’d be there in a minute. Taichi nodded to let me know he’d heard, and I went to drop off some books at my locker. I was just shutting it, getting ready to go join Taichi, when a hand slammed against the door, trapping me, and suddenly Kento’s body was pressed up against me, uncomfortably close. 

I froze, tendrils of panic creeping upon me fast. Kento was too close. All I could think about was what happened the last time he’d been this close, how badly he and the others had beat me, laughing the whole time. Sento’s knife. The gleam of the blade as it drew closer to me. Ken’s knife, twisting in my shoulder... I shuddered, desperately wanting Kento to go away before I lost it and just started bawling right there in the hallway. I wanted Taichi. Why had I let him go on ahead without me? 

Kento leaned his face right into mine, and I involuntarily let out a little whimper, starting to tremble slightly. My heart was pounding so loudly that probably everybody in the hallway could hear it, even though everyone else was studiously pretending they weren’t seeing us. 

“You are seriously going to regret siccing your boy on us, Ishida,” he murmured in my ear. “Had you just left it alone, we would have been even, but no, you just had to get the last punch in.” He glared at me, his dark eyes eerily empty for all the hatred he was supposedly feeling. It scared me more than any emotion could have. “Trust me, we’ll make you pay.” 

He left me with that final parting shot, and I sagged back against my locker, struggling to gain control of my rapidly escalating breaths. I couldn’t seem to stop shaking, and everything around me was starting to feel distant again. 

Recognising that I was once again in the midst of a panic attack, and not wanting everyone at school to witness it, I took off as fast as I could for the old gym, wanting to hide out under the bleachers, avoiding everyone until I could get myself under control. However, I managed to stumble upon Ratsuii and Genjitsu once I got there. I was dimly aware of the fact that they’d been making out, and that they seemed annoyed and embarrassed to be interrupted, but it didn’t take them long to realise that something was wrong. 

“Yamato? What’s wrong?” 

“Panic attack,” I gasped, sinking to the floor and wrapping my arms around myself. 

“Do you want Gen to go get Taichi for you?” 

I shook my head. I didn’t want him worrying over me yet again. And more, I didn’t want to tell him what caused it. “He’ll be wondering where I am though.” 

“Okay. Gen, go find Taichi and let him know Yamato’s okay,” Ratsuii commanded. “Don’t tell him where Yamato’s at though.” 

“Right.” Genjitsu nodded and then took off. 

“Cafeteria.” I said. 

“He’s in the cafeteria!” Ratsuii yelled after his boyfriend. He looked back at me. “Don’t talk. Just focus on breathing. Even, steady breaths. Copy me if you need to.” 

I nodded, and did just that, slowly getting my breathing back under control, the fear gradually subsiding some now that Kento wasn’t right in front of me. The fear of his threat didn’t fade, though. 

“Better now?” Ratz asked eventually, when I was more or less breathing normally. The shaking had finally stopped too. 

“Yeah.” I said quietly. “Sorry.” 

“Don’t be. I used to get panic attacks sometimes when I was younger. I know how much they suck.” 

“Yeah,” I repeated. I waited, expecting him to ask what had happened, but he didn’t, for which I was thankful. We sat quietly together, Genjitsu rejoining us again at some point, with Ratsuii talking softly about random things to keep me calm, until the lunch bell ended and we had to head off to our separate classes. 

“Thank you,” I told him quietly as we parted. 

He just smiled. “Don’t mention it.” 

* * *

That afternoon the band once again gathered in band room 3, under our usual pretense of practising. Our excuse was that since Kenji was back, we ought to get some in, even though he’d only been absent for a few days. 

“So Kenji, I didn’t really get a chance to ask you in third or seventh period earlier. Where’ve you been the last few days?” 

Kenji glanced around at all of us, then let out a sigh. “Well, both Ny and Yamato already know, so I might as well let you in on it, Ratz.” 

Ratsuii looked around at us, confused. “What is it? Something bad?” 

“More so for Yamato than for you, but yeah. Ny’s already known for years, for unrelated reasons, but I never told anyone else before. Kento and Sento are my older brothers.” 

Ratsuii was silent for a moment, probably processing the news. “Wow,” he said at last. “You must have had a hell of childhood.” 

Kenji winced. “I try to forget most of it. I could probably write a best-selling book on what it’s like to grow up with twin sociopaths...” 

“I bet,” Ratsuii said grimly. “But what does this have to do with you being gone for three days?” 

Kenji looked over at me. “Honestly, most of it’s your story,” he told me, before redirecting his attention back to Ratz. “But the short of it is that Taichi wound up beating up Sento and putting him in the hospital, so I’ve been staying with my mom there the past few days, just to support her.” 

“Damn.” Ratsuii understandably looked shocked; he didn’t really seem to know what to say. 

“Just to be clear, I didn’t stay because I cared anything for Sento, or what happened to him. I _loathe_ my brothers, and wish they didn’t exist. My mom, however, can’t help but love them despite knowing how horrible they are, and I didn’t want to leave her alone in the hospital to worry.” 

Ratsuii nodded, looking thoughtful. “I think I can understand that. I’m assuming you told Yamato recently then?” 

I winced, while Kenji grimaced. “Something like that.” 

Ratz glanced between us. “You know, Nyusumi and I can hang out for a bit elsewhere if you guys need to talk.” 

Kenji glanced at me, and I nodded—we hadn't really had the chance to yet. “I think so. Thanks, guys.” 

“No problem.” He and Ny hopped up and quickly went out, shutting the door behind them. 

Kenji and I sat there in awkward silence for a minute or two after they’d gone, me pretending to play my guitar and him just plucking at a loose thread on his shirt, until I couldn’t stand it anymore and blurted out a quick apology. “‘m’sorry.” 

He glanced up, quickly, and then went back to his shirt. It was weird not having him make jokes and try to lighten the situation for once. “What for?” 

I sighed. “For the way I acted at the hospital. That whole night was just one big shock, I really wasn’t thinking clearly. So I’m sorry.” 

“It’s alright,” he said, waving his hand as if to dismiss the whole thing. “I mean, I’m pretty sure I can understand your reaction, you’ve certainly got better reasons to be wary and upset than most people, especially since I wouldn’t really talk to you once you realized...” 

I gave him a rueful look. “You know what they did to me for revenge on Taichi hitting them the first time, don’t you? It’s the second time you’ve said something about it.” 

He gave me an apologetic look in return. “Sorry. Taichi told me when I went to see him. He said they beat you badly enough to put you in the hospital, and that Sento pulled his knife on you. He also said if it hadn’t been for two girls who found you, you probably would have died. So I get it’s a shock to find out one of your best friends is related to them and never said anything. I should have, and I’m sorry for that.” 

“On the other hand, I can admit to understanding why you might have been reluctant to tell me...” 

He actually laughed at that. “Yeah. It’s not really something I’m proud of.” He quickly turned serious again though. “There is something else I wanted to tell you though. While I was at the hospital, I overheard Kento. Sento was unconscious, but he was ranting to him about how they’d have to ‘take care of’ you and Taichi once and for all. I got the impression that Kento believes you sicced Taichi on him as payback for their beating of you.” 

“I didn’t though!” I protested. “I mean, yes, I told him Sunday night what they did, but I didn’t ask him to go after them for me! In fact I tried to get him to promise he wouldn’t do anything stupid like that!” I closed my eyes in frustration, feeling a headache forming. “If they had just left us alone that first time none of this would even be a problem... We didn’t ask for any of this.” 

“You know that and I know that, but stuff like that doesn’t matter to Kento,” he explained. “They never would have left you alone that first time. They couldn’t. It’s not in their nature. People like you and me get pleasure from making music and making others happy. People like my brothers get pleasure from hurting others and making them miserable. They don’t care about other people. The only thing in this world that Kento cares about is Sento, and even that doesn’t actually involve _feelings_.” 

He stopped for a moment, and gave me a grim look. “I know it sounds strange, but Kento’s only concern with Sento is in how useful Sento can be to him. Right now, even though Sento is lying in the hospital unconscious, Kento knows he’ll recover, so he’ll still be useful, and because of that he also won’t ever allow anything to interfere with Sento again, at least not if he can help it. At this point, the biggest threat to that, in his mind, is you and Taichi. I’m sure Taichi told about the chat he and I had, but this is important enough that it bears repeating. You and Taichi both need to be very careful, Yamato. Not caring about anything makes Kento not only ruthless, but very reckless as well. He thinks he’s above the law, and does whatever he wants.” 

I stared at him. His words definitely gave me a chill, but I didn’t really know how to respond to them. I was saved from having to figure it out, however, as Ny and Ratz picked that moment to knock on the door and poke their heads in. “You guys done talking yet?” 

I really wasn’t sure we were, but nevertheless I said, “Yeah, we’re good.” Kenji, after a moment’s hesitation, agreed. 

“Great! Let’s get some real practice in then. We need to start on some new songs soon.” 

“Right.” I nodded, and resolved to put it out of my head for the time being as I began tuning my guitar for real that time. 

* * *

Friday was a day of fear. Much like Thursday, it passed by in a blur. I was constantly on edge waiting for Kento or even Tetsuya or Ayashi to come up to me and threaten me some more, or try something. I hadn’t told Taichi what Kento had already said to me. I really didn’t know why. I needed to, he certainly deserved to know as he was in this mess just as much as I was, but I stupidly just didn’t want him to worry. 

I’d also heard from Kenji that Sento was likely to be released from the hospital over the weekend, and okay to go back to school Monday. That had me wanting to huddle up under the covers in my bed and never leave my room again. I felt endlessly worn out from being constantly stressed and on edge waiting for something to happen, knowing it was going to, but not knowing when. And now that Sento was out, the chances of something happening went up greatly. 

Kenji _and_ Nyusumi also both seem to be worried about the whole Kento and Sento mess, which put me even more on edge than I otherwise might have been. Kenji, at least, I could understand, but I couldn’t understand why Ny was acting as distracted and distressed as he was. I’m sure he was worried about us getting hurt, but I wouldn’t have thought it would have affected him as much as he seemed to be. I just didn’t get it. Ratsuii wasn’t acting the way the other two were, although all of our negative energy did seem to be getting him down a bit. He hadn’t been as laid back as usual in classes and practice, snapping at us over things that normally wouldn’t phase him. It was a bit disconcerting, as Ratsuii rarely ever lost his temper and I hadn’t even been sure he knew how to snap. 

The only upside to Friday was that I’d managed to patch things up with Takeru. Hikari had pulled through for me and talked to him. He had been pretty upset, but she convinced him to talk to me, so after school he sought me out and let me apologise again. He couldn’t get me to promise I’d stop calling her Natsuko, but I did promise to never say anything like what I’d said before again. Not that I’d had any intentions of that as it was. I’d really never meant to hurt my brother that way. He and Taichi were the best things in my life, I didn’t want to ever lose either of them. 

“Hey.” Taichi moved to set his game controller aside, and poked me in the side. “What are thinking about? You’ve been quiet for a while now.” 

“Oh. Sorry.” I had initially been watching him play video games, as a way to take my mind off things, but had apparently once again drifted and got lost in my thoughts. “Just a lot of things, really,” I admitted. “Sento being released, for one...” 

Taichi turned off the game, and focused his attention fully on me. “I’m worried about it too.” He sighed, and leaned his head against my shoulder. “I wish I had never beat him up, then we wouldn’t be here now. I was just so _mad_ , thinking about how he’d hurt you so much when you hadn’t even done anything to him. And because of that we’re basically stuck now waiting for the axe to fall, or wondering if it even will.” Frustration laced his voice. 

I shifted uncomfortably. I really needed to tell him about Kento, but he was already getting agitated, and I didn’t want to make him more riled up. “Well, Kenji seems to think it definitely will,” I said. “He talked to me about it a couple of days ago. I think he was trying to clarify some more the things he told you. He was going on about how Kento’s only interest in Sento is in how useful he finds Sento to him, and that since he still deems him useful, he wants to make sure Sento stays useful and that we don’t ‘interfere’ with that, or something, that he sees us as the biggest threat to Sento. So Kenji’s pretty sure they’ll come after us at some point.” 

Taichi gave another sigh, deeper this time. “This sucks.” 

“I know.” I pulled him closer to me, and wrapped my arms around him in a hug, wanting to feel him against me. “But like you said, we’re pretty much stuck waiting for something to happen. I don’t know what else we could do.” 

“I don’t want to think about it anymore, at least not right now. I want to just sit here next to you, and just play games or watch or a movie or do anything but think about it. I just want something to feel normal for one night.” 

I smiled, and tightened my grip on him, well familiar with the feeling. “Okay,” I said softly. “I think we could do that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (10 April 2015 0939AM)


	13. Book Two - chapter thirteen - all bottled up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nearly everything in this chapter is new! :D It wasn't in the original at all. Hope you guys enjoy (≧∀≦)
> 
> _let's make this fleeting moment last forever_   
>  _so tell me what you're waiting for?_   
>  _I'm gonna keep it frozen here forever_   
>  _there's no regretting anymore_
> 
> _I've been waiting right here all my life_  
>  _feelings you can't deny that you're living, open up your eyes_  
>  _and I just wanna sink into your crazy laughter_  
>  _come on make me feel until the pain don't matter_  
>  _every second here makes my heart beat faster_  
>  \- **Krewella** , alive.

“So, a dominant golden lab with dominant normal vision would be big g, big g, big n, big n... or is it big g, little g, big n, little n?”

“You’re talking out loud again.” 

I looked up, making a face at my sister. “Sorry. It helps me think. This stuff is confusing.” 

“Punnet squares are easy. You just pair stuff up.” 

I made another face at her and held out my pencil to her. “Well, why don’t you do it then, since you just had to be so smart and take biology a year early.” 

Hikari shut the oven door and came over, grabbing my pencil. I slid my notebook in front of her, and after a moment’s study, she quickly filled out all the squares and slid it back over in front of me. “See? Easy!” she said, smiling at me. 

I groaned and stuck my tongue out at her as she went to sit on a nearby stool. Well, at least now the other ones would be easier to figure out... hopefully. 

I worked in silence for another moment before looking back up at her. “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you. Did you ever fix things with Miyako?” 

“As much as possible,” she answered, sighing. “We talked Friday. She said she was more upset by everything that happened with Yamato that night to really react to your outing me right away, and she just needed some time to sort everything out.” 

“So...?” 

“So she said she was flattered but not into girls, but she valued our friendship and didn’t want to lose it. So we’re still friends, except it’ll be awkward now until I move past this crush.” She smiled ruefully. “It’s a better outcome than I was expecting.” 

“Well, I’m glad I didn’t muck everything up for you guys then. I really was sorry about that.” 

“I know.” She frowned and glanced at the oven. “Why hasn’t the timer buzzed? Surely the cookies have been in there for ten minutes now.” 

“Probably because you never set it,” I informed her, bending my head over my homework once more. 

“What?” She looked at the timer and groaned. “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” 

“Because you were so eager to show up my punnet square abilities,” I said, grinning. 

“Taichi!” She hopped off the stool and went to grab the tray out of the oven. “If they’re burned, you’re making me a new batch,” she grumbled. 

“Only if I get to eat them.” 

She rolled her eyes, but a knock at the door cut off any response she might have had. I hopped up from the table, eager to abandon the homework that was making my head hurt. "I'll get it! That's probably Mimi." 

I caught the strange look my sister gave me out of the corner of my eye as I began to head towards the front door. "Since when do you hang out one on one with Mimi?" she asked. 

"I dunno. Does it matter? She's my friend." Hikari said nothing in response to that, and I pulled open the door to see Mimi standing there, twirling a finger in her brown hair impatiently. "Hi, Mimi." 

"Taichi, hi!" she cried, smiling. "Ready to go?" 

"Sure," I replied easily, smiling back. I called back to my sister, "Be back later!" and then stepped out, shutting the door behind me. "So where are we going?" 

"Let's go to Palette Town, it'll be fun! We can wander around and look at everything and maybe the ride ferris wheel." 

"It's a date," I teased as I began walking in the direction we'd need. Mimi fell into step beside me, grinning, and we walked in companionable silence for some time. 

"How's things with Sora?" I eventually asked. "Any better? You guys talk at lunch often enough..." 

A sad expression stole across her face briefly, before she forced it away with a cheerful laugh. There was nothing genuine in that laugh, and it hurt me to hear it. "Lunch is the most time we get to spend together these days." 

"Aw, Mimi, I'm sorry." I really was. I hated that their friendship was suffering. If something like that had happened to Yamato and me, I'd probably fall apart. I didn't want to picture a life without him always right by my side. And though Mimi and Sora weren't dating the way Yamato and I were, I knew that they were still really close. Or had been, once upon a time. Their drifting apart had to be hurting Mimi so much. 

"It's fine, really. I know she isn't doing it on purpose. She's just caught up in some stuff of her own, and guys are an easy distraction." She let out a sudden cry of glee as the entrance to Palette Town came into view, and ran towards it excitedly, her dress swirling around her as she moved. "Hey, come on, slowpoke, let's go to the mall!" 

I groaned, visions of being dragged from shop to shop as my arms continuously became weighed down with bags filled my head, easily remembering my last trip to the mall with Mimi. Still, I went after her, because if this was what she needed, then I could give it to her for a day. I just wanted to see _all_ of my friends happy. There'd been too much pain over the last few months. 

We wandered around the mall, but surprisingly didn't buy much—Mimi seemed content to window shop this time, and I certainly wasn't going to do anything to change that. When we got hungry a few hours later, we grabbed lunch at a nearby cafe. The food was really good, and I made a mental note to come here with Yamato on a date sometime, when he was in a better frame of mind to handle going on dates. 

"How is Yamato doing lately?" 

I blinked, torn out of my thoughts, and had a moment's suspicious paranoia that Mimi could read my mind. "He's fine," I told her dismissively. "You see him at lunch, you know." 

She rolls her eyes. "He doesn't always show up though, and when he does he gives his best at pretending everything is fine. I'm asking genuinely, Taichi, how Yamato is doing lately. He's my friend too, you know. I worry about him." 

I hesitated. I didn't really want to tell her all of Yamato's business, knowing how private he liked to be. But I also knew how fierce and determined Mimi could be, and she wasn't going to accept a rote answer. "He's... it's been tough," I finally answered carefully, for once thinking about my words before I spoke them. "I don't want to go around sharing his private life, he'd never forgive me. But he's still struggling to cope with everything." I looked down at my plate, no longer in the mood for the rest of my meal. "I try my best to always be there for him, doing what little I can to support him and stay strong for him, but it's really hard sometimes..." 

"What makes it hard for you?" Mimi asked me softly as she looked me directly in the face. Her brown eyes reflected nothing but soft concern in them, and I felt a lump in my throat at the sight. I was feeling suddenly emotional, which was embarrassing. It was just that no one had ever before really asked how _I_ was doing with everything that had happened to Yamato. 

"Sometimes I feel like I never have a moment to process it all, you know? To process everything that's happened, and deal with the fact that something _terrible_ happened to my best friend, for _months_ , and I never had one single clue. I'm almost always with Yamato, and when I'm not I'm busy trying to keep the rest of my life going. And I feel like I don't have the right to talk about how it's affected me," I admitted, cheeks reddening in shame. "Yamato's the one who actually had to live through it all, what right do _I_ have to whine about how hard the last couple of months have been? _I_ didn't experience it, _I_ didn't have to survive through all that abuse, and I don't want to take away from that by selfishly making it all about me. So I stay quiet, and do whatever Yamato needs from me." I exhaled as I slumped down in my chair, feeling oddly relieved for finally having said out loud something I could barely even admit to myself in my own head. It had been easier to bottle it up and push it away, always feeling like I didn't have time to think about it. I propped my elbows up on the table, letting my head drop into my hands as I hoped Mimi didn't hate me or think me selfish for what I'd just said. 

"Taichi... you're being ridiculous." 

I snapped my head up fast, a humiliated and hurt flush creeping slowly over my face as I stared at her in disbelief. "What?" 

She smiled at me, reaching across the table and grasping my hand gently. I let her. I was still too shocked by her statement to pull away. "Taichi... of _course_ you have the right to be affected by what happened to Yamato. You _do_ have the right to talk about it, and it's okay if you find it hard to deal with everything sometimes. I would be worried if you didn't! It was a really horrible thing to have happened. I think it's admirable you're devoting so much of yourself to take care Yamato, but you need to take care of yourself too, you know? It's okay to put yourself first once in awhile. Now maybe you can't talk about it with Yamato, I'm guessing he's probably not in a place emotionally to handle it, but I'm always here to talk to! You know I love to talk," she said, grinning brightly at me, "but I've learned how to listen now, too. And if you don't always want to come to me, I'm sure our other friends would be more than happy to lend an ear. We all care about _both_ of you a great deal, and we want to help the both of you get through this in whatever ways we can." 

"Mimi—" I was greatly touched by her words, and embarrassingly close to tears. I hadn't realised how much I'd needed to hear something like that. "That means a lot. Thank you," I eventually choked out. 

"Any time!" she said cheerily. "Now, how about that ferris wheel ride?" 

I laughed, already feeling better, her enthusiasm infectious. "Let's go." 

* * *

The next morning I walked to school with Yamato. Neither of us were eager to walk alone in case it encouraged Kento to attack. Just because I had the crest of courage didn’t mean I had to be stupid. At least not any more than I had already acted. Luckily, we managed to make it safely to homeroom, though we were both feeling edgy. Every time we turned a corner, I kept expecting to suddenly spot Kento’s gang again... 

I hated having to separate from Yamato for second period, but since it was only study hall, I didn’t have to worry about paying attention to a teacher. I mostly just pretended to do some more biology homework, while wondering if Sento had actually came back to school today. 

I really wasn’t sure what to think about everything. Kenji kept insisting Kento wanted revenge, but I didn’t know if Sento wanted his own separate revenge or if they’d be satisfied acting together, or if they’d be more likely to go after me because I put Sento in the hospital, or go after Yamato again because they knew that would hurt me even more than attacking me... I hated trying to think about it. 

I wished more than anything I could go back in time and make it so I’d left Yamato’s apartment later, or earlier, to a point where I had never come across them and never lost control so completely. I desperately wanted it to not have happened, to not have inadvertently caused my boyfriend even more stress and hurt. It was giving me more and more insight into how he must have often felt though, wishing he could go back to the ‘before,’ to before Ken had decided to abuse him. 

Third period managed to alleviate both of our worries somewhat, as Kenji informed us first thing that Sento hadn’t come to school today. Unfortunately Kento _had_ come, and he was still a pretty big threat too, so we weren’t completely safe. And sure enough, when we were walking in the halls after fourth period, Kento was passing in the opposite direction and easily spotted us. He deliberately angled his way over to us to shove into us as he went by, giving us a nasty sneer as he did. 

Taking one look at Yamato’s imminent panic attack, I figured it wouldn’t be too much of a loss if we skipped the next class. 

* * *

“Hey, wanna go over to my apartment instead today?” I asked Yamato as we were packing up after our last class. “Hikari had plans to hang out with Daisuke and Takeru today, my dad’s at work, and mom should be at her cooking club, so we’d have the place to ourselves.” 

“They let your mom into a cooking club?” Yamato asked incredulously. “I’m assuming it’s for skills other than her cooking...” 

“Haha, funny. Seriously, you want to?” 

Yamato hesitated a moment, clearly uncertain. 

“I promise Miyako won’t be there this time. Please?” I begged. 

“Alright,” he replied slowly. “If we’re alone, it won’t be so bad.” 

“Don’t worry, I’ll distract you,” I promised, grinning and waggling my fingers at him. The rest of our classmates had all cleared out of the room by this point, so I felt safe in making such a joke. 

“Taichi!” he hissed, going red as he glanced at Tadaji Sensei. The man was seemingly absorbed in the papers on his desk, but I knew he was listening to us, as usual. He’d taken on a rather protective, if subtle, attitude towards Yamato ever since he’d realised how Kawada had been treating him. 

“What?” I asked innocently, slinging my bookbag over my shoulder and heading towards the door. “You were the one that kissed me in front of him before, it’s not like he doesn’t know.” 

“ _Taichi_ ,” he groaned, covering his face in his hands. “Can we please just hurry up and go?” 

I opened the door to the classroom, holding it for him. “Of course.” 

“Have fun!” Tadaji Sensei called after us as we left. Yamato groaned again, and I just laughed. 

When we eventually got to my apartment, it was empty as I’d predicted. We made a beeline for my room, dropping our bags on the floor as we entered. Standing in front of the bed, we paused and looked at it, then each other. “I suppose I might have thought this part through better,” I admitted. 

“Eh, we’ll just have to mind our heads. Or there’s always the top bunk.” 

Rather than answer, I leaned over and gave him a gentle kiss where we stood. He responded eagerly, and we spent some time just enjoying each other. I made sure to keep my kisses slow and light at first, wanting to keep him at ease and reassure him that he was safe and I didn’t intend to hurt him. Eventually we did drop down to the bed, taking care not to knock our heads on the frame of the top bunk. I’d deepened my kisses by this point, practically devouring his mouth with my desire. He was repeatedly letting out little moans, so I was pretty confident he was enjoying it. 

Slowly, so that he could see what I was doing, I moved a hand down to the edge of his shirt, pausing to wait for his nod before I slid my hand under it and slowly back up his chest. I could feel him tense up, as he had every time we went this far, but he didn’t stop me, and I kept my fingers gentle as I trailed up to a nipple, lightly grazing it. 

He let out a little sigh of pleasure. “Taichi...” 

“Is this okay?” I murmured, just wanting to be sure. I never wanted to hurt him, or make him feel pressured or forced into anything... I saw red every time I thought about the sort of things he’d told me Ken had done to him. 

“Yes,” he gasped out, as I brushed over it again. “Please don’t stop.” 

I kissed him again, hard, and circled a finger around his nipple, teasing. He groaned into my mouth, and I wondered if he was as hard as I was. I’d definitely be spending some alone time with myself later after he went home... 

I took some time teasing him, getting him all worked up, and enjoying it when he worked up a bit of courage to touch me as well, but after awhile I couldn’t help but get frustrated with the restrictions of his shirt. I wanted to see him, to touch him more freely, to maybe use my mouth a bit if he’d let me. 

I stopped and pulled my hands out, causing him to pull away. I frowned. “Hey, come back here, I wasn’t done with you.” He immediately flinched, and I wanted to hit myself for being so careless. I had made myself sound no better than Ken ever had with that sentence. “Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, Yamato.” 

He swallowed heavily. “I know. Sorry. It just... reminded me.” 

“Don’t apologise. I should have known better than to say it that way.” I tugged him back down to me, leaning up for another long kiss. “I want to take your shirt off,” I whispered in his ear once we broke apart. 

He tensed all over at that, and pulled away again. “I’m not ready for all that.” 

I scratched my head uncertainly, thinking he was misunderstanding me. “I won’t go any further than your shirt,” I tried to clarify. “I just wanted to be able to see you and move my hands a bit easier.” 

“That’s not it.” 

“What is it, then?” I asked, confused. He bit down on his lip, looking away, but not before I saw his eyes start to get watery. “Yamato?” I asked softly, worried. 

“They’re all ugly, Taichi,” he said hoarsely, and he sounded so lost and heartbroken that I felt my own heart start to ache. I could hear the tremble in his voice, and see how just on the verge of tears he was. I hated so much to see him hurting. 

It also took me a moment to think past his emotions and realise what he was actually talking about. “Your scars?” I asked, motioning to his wrists. 

He shrugged, still not looking at me. 

“I’ve seen them before,” I pointed out. “When Ny and I walked in on you that time, I saw them then.” 

“Not like this though, not so up close and in your face. And you haven’t seen my other one at all. They’re so ugly, Taichi, I don’t want you to see them.” 

I blinked, surprised. “What other one?” 

A brief sob escaped him, though he quickly got himself back under control. “I told you before, that Ken stabbed me in the shoulder...” He shuddered. “You haven’t seen them, you don’t know, they look horrible. I hate them. I don’t want you to see how ugly I am and hate me too.” 

“Yamato!” I was appalled he could even think something like that. “Yamato, no. Listen to me. You are _not_ ugly, and I could never hate you, especially not for a reason like that. A few scars aren’t going to make you any uglier. How could they, when they represent how strong a person you are? They’re living proof of the hell you went through, the hell that you _survived_ and came out the other side that much stronger.” 

“You’re wrong, Taichi. I’m not strong.” 

“You are though,” I said earnestly. “So much more than you realise. You went through something horrible, but even now you don’t let it beat you down. You had the strength to tell your dad about it. You found more strength to keep going to school, despite all the rumours and nasty things people said and did to you, and even when you would have rather hid yourself away in your room. Every time something happens to try and knock you down, you find the strength to pick yourself back up and keep going. Not many people could manage that, Yamato, but you’re one of the people that can, and that makes you strong.” 

He didn’t respond, and though he was still turned away from me, I could tell by the slight tremble of his shoulders that he was crying. 

“Hey, come here,” I said gently. I sat up, scooting closer to him, and wrapped my arms around him in a tight hug. “You don’t have to show me your scars if you want to, but don’t ever be ashamed of them. They’re a part of you now, and I would be honoured to be allowed to see them some day. I could never think less of you for them, okay?” 

I felt him nod against me, and we sat there in silence. Eventually his trembling subsided as he calmed. He freed himself from my arms, finally turning back to face my direction, though he didn’t actually look at me. “I’ll show you,” he said, voice just above a whisper. 

“You don’t have to if you’re not ready,” I told him. 

He reached up nervously shaking arms to begin unbuttoning his shirt in lieu of a reply to me. I didn’t say anything more, and let him work at his own pace. When he had the last button undone, he sat still for a moment, and then took a deep breath and slid his arms out of the sleeves. 

My eyes were drawn to his left shoulder first, but while the scar was definitely noticeable, there really wasn’t anything ‘ugly’ about it. Given how he was reacting, I had been expecting something huge and grotesque, but what Yamato actually had was a thin pink scar with darker edges that was maybe an inch or so long, and about half an inch wide. 

His wrists, however, weren’t as lucky. While I wouldn’t by any stretch of imagination consider them ugly, they stood out more, and I could understand why he’d be upset over them. They covered the width of his wrists, and were raised and puffy looking, with some redness still to them, possibly from being recently healed. They looked thicker than the scar on his shoulder, and more haphazard and somewhat jagged. All in all, while they didn’t put me off in the slightest, I could see why he felt the need to wear long sleeves all the time. 

I picked up his left wrist, and gently pressed a kiss against the scar there, then did the same thing to his right wrist, and leaned over to press one against the scar on his shoulder. “They’re not ugly.” 

My words didn’t magically heal him, or convince him that he looked fine, but he gave me a small smile anyways. It was a start. 

* * *

The next day at school found us both once more feeling helpless and frustrated as Kenji informed us in third period that Sento was skipping again. 

“Do you know anything at all?” Yamato asked, sounding a bit desperate. “Overheard them making plans, or anything?” 

Kenji shook his head. “Sorry, guys. I wish I could give you a better answer, but I’m as in the dark as you. To be honest, I don’t see them all that often. They rarely come home before midnight, if at all, and I only know when they’re not here because they’re absent in homeroom.” 

“Dammit! I’m sick of this waiting!” 

“Hey, calm down,” I soothed. “I know it sucks, but at least don’t make a scene in class about it.” 

“Right. Sorry,” he mumbled. 

“Alright, you five! Quiet down now,” Mitsuo Sensei called in our direction. “Everyone, please pass last night’s homework up to the front of your rows.” 

“I’ll let you guys know as soon as I learn anything,” Kenji said lowly as we began grabbing homework from our bags. 

“Thanks,” I murmured, handing my homework up to Yamato. 

“Don’t make me separate you,” Mitsuo Sensei warned. 

We quickly fell silent, and she began the day’s lesson. 

* * *

“Nice shot, Kousuke!” 

I sighed a bit longingly, watching my old teammates as they worked hard at practice. “I really miss soccer sometimes. I wish I hadn’t quit the team this year.” 

“Well, you have been rather busy these last few months, so you would have wound up quitting regardless,” Koushiro pointed out, ever the practical one. Yamato had decided to practise with the band again today, and I didn’t want to go home to be bored and alone, so I’d invited Koushiro to hang out. It had been quite awhile since we’d been able to. The things Mimi had told me the other day about needing to take care of myself had also been bouncing around in my head, and I could concede she had a point. I needed time apart from him sometimes, time spent unwinding from dealing with everything going on and just relaxing with other people. I still felt a little guilty about it, but I knew if I broke down from all the stress then I wouldn't be able to help Yamato at _all_ , and I doubted either of us wanted that. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to hang out with you the last couple of months,” I said, wondering if his comment was a subtle reference to it. “Even though it _is_ true, it feels like such an excuse to say Yamato’s needed me a lot.” 

“Of course, I understand that. My comment wasn’t meant as a slight to you, Taichi. Obviously I don’t know the details, but I know that going through sexual abuse is really traumatic and it takes a lot of time to recover from it.” He turned his attention from the soccer game below to give me a serious look. “I think I speak for all of the other Chosen when I say it’s great that Yamato has you for support, and none of us begrudge the time you’ve spent with him lately. He’s our friend too, and we all want him to get better. If you’re what he needs to do so, we can hardly fault you for that.” 

“Thank you,” I said sincerely. “I just feel bad sometimes, because you’re a great friend and I miss hanging out with you.” 

“We still have the rest of our lives to hang out,” he said easily. “Don’t worry about it so much.” 

“I’ll do my best.” 

We watched the practice in silence for a little longer before I spoke again. “So, how are things between you and Jou? You guys official yet?” He had confided in me four or five months ago about what was going on between him and Jou, and had sought my advice a few times since then on the situation, though he seemed reluctant to act on it. 

He shook his head, blushing some. “No. Nothing’s really changed yet. In fact, I ran into Yamato some time ago and accidentally mentioned it, and he told me the same thing you always do—I should just tell him. But I haven’t worked up the nerve to,” he confessed, his cheeks going redder. 

“Well, you’ll get there,” I said knowingly. “Hell, it took me six months to work up the nerve to tell Yamato.” 

“I hope so. The uncertainty of his feelings for me makes me feel like I’m going spare sometimes, as I spend a large amount of time running all the variables and possibilities of our potential relationship in my head.” 

“Don’t think it over so much. Just go with the flow for now. Even if you don’t know exactly what it is, it’s more than what you had before, right? And I really doubt Jou’s just using you.” 

“Yes, Yamato said something along the same lines.” 

Down on the field below, the shrill sound of a whistle blowing ended the practice, interrupting us. 

“Practice is over,” Koushiro stated unnecessarily, though he was probably just trying to change the subject. “Are you going to find Yamato now?” 

I shook my head. “He usually spends three or four hours with the band. Besides, I’m hanging out with you today. Yamato will be fine without me for one night.” I hoped. There was always a chance I’d get called over because he had another panic attack and needed me. As much as I needed time away from him, I'd never abandon him when he truly needed me. If he called, I'd do as I always did, and race right over. 

“In that case, would you like to come over to my house and watch a movie? I acquired several new ones recently that I think you would enjoy.” 

I smiled and got up, ready to make my way down the bleachers. “Sure, sounds awesome.” 

“Great! I can have my mom make us some snacks too, she’s really good at cooking.” 

He sounded so excited, it made me extra glad I’d asked him to hang out today. “You know I’d never turn down food,” I said, laughing. 

We continued to chat amicably as we started off for his house, talking about school, our other friends, my plans for after graduation... whatever came to mind. It made me realise just how much I’d missed hanging out with Koushiro. Over the years we’d gotten almost as close as Yamato and I were, minus the romantic aspect of course, and I resolved to make more time in the future to hang out with him. 

Once we got to Koushiro's house, I pulled out my cell phone and sent off a quick text to Yamato while waiting for Koushiro to get the door open. _Gonna be at Koushiro's for awhile if you need me._ If he needed me, I didn't want him to try and waste time trying to reach me at home. 

Several minutes later, my phone chimed with a reply. _Thanks, but I won't need you. Have fun. Tell him hi for me._ "Yamato says hi," I relayed, looking up. 

Koushiro beamed, looking delighted. "Tell him I say hello as well." 

I nodded, starting to type a reply message, but before I could finish, my phone chimed again. _Love you_ , was what Yamato's additional text read. I smiled to read it. We'd hadn't really made a big deal out of the phrase after Yamato had murmured it that first time, but we'd started saying it to each other more often lately, and it made my heart burst with happiness every time. I finished up with the original reply I'd typed, and then quickly added three more words at the bottom. _Love you too._

I snapped my phone shut, and focused on Koushiro again. "So, which movie are we watching?" I asked him. 

"Oh! Well, I have several, if you would like to pick, and if you can't, I have a program on my computer that utilises a randomiser..." 

I laughed, shaking my head at my friend. It was good that some things, at least, never changed. It was a welcome bout of normality in an otherwise crazy month. I hoped there would be more moments like this in the days to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (11 April 2015 0928PM)
> 
> I have a scar acceptance kink.


	14. Book Two - chapter fourteen - escalation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _hold my body tight, I want to forget everything_   
>  _there have been nights when I’ve become a coward, tired of the tense days_
> 
> _the strength to cry outright when I feel like crying_   
>  _I work out what that strength is, and then I take it and look at it_
> 
> _burnin' love burnin' love burnin' my love_  
>  _in this ever-changing world_  
>  _I want us to be a bright couple, unstained in anybody else’s colours_  
>  \- **TWO-MIX** , burning.

The band was once again hanging out in our usual room after school on Tuesday, not even pretending to practise for once. None of us were really in the mood for it, and yet we were still drawn to be together. I had a weird sense of foreboding, as if this was the last chance I’d have to be with all three of them. I knew it was just all the justified paranoia from waiting on Kento and Sento to do something, but I couldn’t shake it just the same.

I also had something on my mind, something I’d been waffling back and forth on ever since Takeru had gotten me to talk to him about Ken a tiny bit last week. Initially, my intentions had been to never tell the band about my suicide attempt. But, Ny had found out and had been okay once he’d gotten over the shock of it, and lately it had been bothering me, keeping it a secret from Kenji and Ratz. Of course we all had our secrets, and I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that, but this was one that more and more didn’t feel right for me to be keeping. 

I wanted to tell them. At the same time, I was still afraid. Ny’s first reaction to shy away from me had hurt, even if I could understand it. I didn’t know how I’d handle it if the other two reacted the same, or worse. Of course, we’d been so close for so long, I had faith they wouldn’t hate or shun me for it, but there was still that little bit of niggling doubt that wondered otherwise... 

“You okay, Yamato?” Ratsuii asked, drawing my attention out of my thoughts. “You’re pretty quiet.” 

“I...” I stopped, licking my lips. My mouth had suddenly gone dry. I wish I had mentioned this idea to Taichi, or even Ny first. I still could, there wasn't any reason I _had_ to tell Kenji and Ratsuii right now, but I didn't want it weighing down on my mind any longer. And if I didn't do it now, I wasn't sure I'd get the courage back up to do it again. 

Kenji and Ny looked up, and stopped the murmuring they’d been doing in the far corner of the room, focusing their attention on me. 

“I wanted to tell you guys something,” I said faintly. Now that I’d decided to, I suddenly felt sick. I was afraid I was going to pass out. I _really_ didn’t want them to hate me... 

Ny and Kenji both got up and moved to sit next to Ratsuii, so they’d be closer. “What is it?” Ny asked. 

“Well, it’s for Kenji and Ratz, really. You already know, Ny...” I glanced down at my wrists, hidden as usual by long sleeves, then looked back up at Ny. 

It took him a moment, but then a look of understanding came over his face. “Oh,” he said quietly. “Well, for what it’s worth, I think they’ll react better than I did... and I think it’d help you to tell them.” 

“Right.” I attempted to smile at him, thankful for the brief words of encouragement, then drew in a deep breath and took the plunge. “Do you guys remember when I didn’t come to school for three weeks, when my Dad kept trying to tell everyone I was sick, before the news broke about Ken?” 

They both nodded. “Of course. We all figured it was bullshit by the second week, but we had no idea why you were gone until that news broadcast,” Ratsuii said. 

I swallowed, feeling incredibly nervous. “Yeah, I obviously wasn’t sick, but there was more of a reason for my absence than just confessing the truth about Ken. I didn’t even tell my Dad that until near the end of the second week.” 

“So why were you gone so long, then?” 

I closed my eyes, afraid to see their faces as I said it. “Because I took a knife to my wrists.” 

There was silence for a long moment, then, “You idiot,” Kenji said, his voice shaking slightly. “Open your damn eyes, you don’t need to hide from us.” 

That had not been what I was expecting at all. Surprised, I did as he said. I didn’t see any sign of disgust or hatred on their faces. Nothing that said they were afraid of me. I only saw worry, and acceptance, and maybe even understanding. 

Kenji shook his head. “You idiot,” he repeated fondly. “You thought we’d hate you for it, didn’t you?” 

My silence was answer enough. 

Ratsuii sighed. He got up and came over to the table I was on top of, sitting on my left side, pressing up against me in silent support. Kenji quickly did the same on my right, and even Ny moved to sit closer, though he had already been through this once with me. 

“We don’t hate you,” Ratsuii said quietly. “I can only speak for myself, but I’ve been in a dark enough place in the past to consider suicide. I know the helpless despair that makes it seem like such a good idea at the time. If Ken was hurting you so bad that you turned to suicide to get away from it, I can hardly be mad at you for that. Still, I’m glad you survived it. I would have missed the hell out of you, Yamato.” 

I felt tears building in my eyes at his words. Both at the surprise of learning he’d once considered suicide, and at the relief that he seemed to understand what could make me even attempt it. “I’m glad I did too,” I managed to say around the sudden lump in my throat. 

“And that goes for me too,” Kenji said, nudging me. “I need someone around to keep my crazier impulses in check." 

I rolled my eyes at him, nudging him back. "Wow, thanks," I said dryly, though I was smiling at him with watery eyes. "That makes me feel so needed." 

He grinned. "You know I would have missed you, you jerk. Glad you made it.” 

“You don’t think about it anymore though, do you?” Ratsuii asked me, looking worried. “I mean, I know you’re still not doing great right now, but you’re doing better than before, right?” 

I nodded, wiping at my eyes. “Don’t worry, guys, I promise I don’t want to die. I didn’t even entirely want to when I did it. It was more like what you said, Ratz, I just felt so helpless about my situation and I didn’t see any other way out, so it seemed like the best idea at the time. I thought I didn't have any other choice and that everything would be better off if I was dead. I realise now how stupid a decision it was.” 

I was surprised when Kenji suddenly flung his arms around me in a spontaneous hug, knocking me off balance and into Ratsuii, who scrambled to maintain his seat. “Idiot,” he mumbled into my side. “Killing yourself is never going to be the best idea.” 

“I know, now,” I said awkwardly, patting him on the back. “I’m sorry.” 

“You don’t have to be sorry. Just please talk to someone first if you’re ever thinking about it again,” Ny spoke up as Kenji finally released me and settled beside me again. 

“I promise,” I said softly. “And thanks guys.” 

“For what?” Ratsuii asked in confusion. 

“For being awesome, of course!” Kenji interjected before I could answer. 

I laughed, thankful beyond belief that I had such amazing friends. “Pretty much.” 

* * *

“Yamato! Hey, Yamato, wait up!” 

I looked behind me to see my brother running up the sidewalk towards Taichi and me, waving at us. We stopped, and let him catch up. “Hey, Takeru,” I greeted him as he approached us, slightly out of breath. 

“Hi! Do you have plans for after school? Do you want to come over and hang out with me for awhile? We don’t get to see each other enough,” he pouted. 

I blinked, and then looked at Taichi, hesitating. “You might as well,” he told me. “Mom wanted me home early to do some errands for her yet again. I think it's just her excuse to get me home sometimes.” 

"Sorry, I don't mean to monopolise your time..." I told him, feeling bad. 

"Don't worry about. _I'm_ sure not complaining about it." 

I nodded at him, blushing, and looked back at my brother. “I guess that’s a yes then,” I said, smiling at him. 

“Great!” he exclaimed, beaming. “I’ll meet you on the front steps after school then?” 

“Sure.” I watched, bemused, as he waved at me then dashed off, quickly climbing the steps and heading into the school. “Strange. He usually asks days in advance when he wants to hang out...” I shook it off, then glanced over at Taichi. “So your mom’s finally stopped being scared of you?” 

He shrugged. “She’s been slowly warming up to me more the past couple of days, since you came over Monday. I guess seeing how you’ve been lately made it easier for her to remember and understand why I totally lost it on Sento.” 

“I didn’t look _that_ bad,” I said, appalled. 

“You don’t look _bad_ , but you haven’t been as... put-together... as you used to be, and you’re not your usual self... Anyone that knows you well enough can pick up on that.” 

“I suppose,” I said unhappily, but I dropped the subject. I didn't want to think yet again on how Ken had fucked up every little part of my life. 

* * *

“I like it,” Takeru said sincerely. 

“Thanks,” I said easily. “It’s still rough around the edges so it’s got some more fine-tuning, and of course you’re only hearing my part of it, but we were thinking of using it for our next single.” 

“It’s very catchy. I think it’d do great as a single, even without hearing the others’ parts.” 

I smiled, pleased. I’d decided to play some songs for Takeru after school, to get his opinion on them. He always enjoyed being able to hear the band’s music before it was officially released. I think it made him feel special and more like my brother; I wouldn’t play any of our songs for anyone else before they were released, not even Taichi. “I can play you part of another one I’ve been working on, though it’s nowhere near finished. Then we can watch a movie or something, whatever you’d like to do.” 

“Sure, I’d like that.” 

I’d barely started playing the first few chords when the door to the apartment rattled as it turned, sending an instinctive shock of fear down my spine, then Natsuko stepped in. 

I stopped playing abruptly, glaring darkly at Takeru. His eagerness before school to get me to come over today suddenly made a lot more sense. He would have known when Natsuko was coming home, he would have known she’d be home early today, early enough for me to still be here. Apparently he hadn’t forgiven me for what I’d said about being her favourite as much as I’d thought. 

Takeru, traitor brother that he was, just gave me a sheepish grin and then looked at her. “Hi, Mom! You’re home early...” 

Natsuko blinked, glancing back and forth between the two of us. “Of course, I told you this morning that I would be.” 

“Oh, right, I forgot... I gotta go to the bathroom!” He leaped up suddenly, racing out of the room and presumably towards the bathroom. Which left me alone with Natsuko. I was going to kill him the next time I got him alone, the coward. 

Natsuko smiled at me as she shed her jacket and shoes. “It’s good to see you, Yamato.” 

“Yeah,” I mumbled, looking down at my guitar. I hoped Takeru hurried up and came back, so I could make my excuses and get the hell out of here. I would much rather be scared to be home alone than to be here, awkwardly trying to avoid dealing with Natsuko’s pretend attempts to care about me. I heard the clatter of her keys as she set them on the side-table next to the door, then the couch dipped down a moment later as she came over and sat down at the end opposite me. I wished she would just go away. And where the hell was Takeru? 

“How’s school going?” 

I just shrugged, not wanting to answer her. I didn’t see the point. It’d just be a waste of breath. 

She was quiet for a minute, and I hoped she’d given up. Of course, right when I had that thought, that was when she tried again. “How have you been doing lately?” 

I sighed loudly, knowing it was rude but not really caring. “What do you even care?” I asked, my voice harsh. I was just so fed up with that question, and having to hear it from _her_ of all people was the last straw. 

“You’re my son, Yamato, of course I care,” she said softly, and she even managed to fake a hint of hurt in her voice. 

I just shook my head and didn’t reply. Luckily Takeru picked that moment to come back, and I immediately jumped up, holding on to my guitar. “I’m sorry, Takeru, I just remembered some chores I promised Dad I’d do, I really have to go home now,” I said, lying through my teeth as I went over to the door and slipped my shoes on. I leaned down to grab my bookbag. “I’ll call you later, okay?” 

“Oh,” he said, a dejected look coming over his face. He tried to smile at me. “Sure, we’ll talk later. Better get those chores done for Dad, huh?” 

“Yeah,” I said, ignoring the twinge of guilt I felt both for lying to him and leaving him so soon. But still, he’d set me up, knowing how I’d felt about Natsuko. I pulled open the door. “Bye.” 

“Bye,” he called after me. I shut the door behind me and didn’t look back. 

* * *

“Yamato?” 

I started to blink as Dad flicked on the lamps, not liking the sudden brightness on my eyes. “Yeah?” I asked, glancing at a clock on the wall nearby. Dad was home early, although not by much. It was still pretty late. I’d been sitting here in the living room in the dark for a few hours... I hadn’t even really been aware of it. I’d zoned out somewhat thinking about Natsuko, and Takeru, and how much I hated her and how mad I was at him. At least it kept me from thinking about how I was home alone. 

“You okay? What are you doing in the dark?” Dad sounded understandably confused. He’d worked out that I didn’t like being home alone anymore, so to come home and find me not only alone but in complete darkness had to worry him a bit. “Taichi’s not here?” 

I shook my head. “He had errands to run for Mrs. Yagami this afternoon.” 

“Okay...” Dad set down his keys and slipped off his shoes, coming over to sit next to me on the couch. “Are you okay?” Dad repeated cautiously. 

“Why can’t she leave me alone? Why can’t she just admit she doesn’t care?” I demanded, upset. It hurt. Even if I had been the one to pick Dad to live with when they divorced, she hadn’t seemed too upset by the choice, nor made any effort to visit with me after we’d moved to Odaiba. It was like she'd forgotten she had another son. 

Dad let out a long, weary sigh, immediately grasping who and what I was talking about. “She _does_ care, Yamato. She’s called me several times to ask how you’re doing, or express worry for you, or find out how you’re doing in school or with your band. She _always_ has, ever since we split up.” 

I sniffed, suddenly finding myself fighting back threatening tears. “Why didn’t she call _me_ , and ask _me_ these things, if she cared so much?” 

“You were only four, so you may not remember very much, but she tried to, Yamato. She’d call and ask if she could talk to you, but when I tried to hand you the phone, you’d get mad and throw it at the floor. You wouldn’t talk to her. So she started asking me instead, and I suppose it became habit over the years as you grew up and she didn’t know how to fix things with you, especially after we moved here and she only could see you when we would stop and pick up Takeru for a weekend. She’s always been sensitive to the tension between you two.” 

I shook my head at him, not really sure what to say, or how much of his words to believe. “She’s just pretending. She knows she has to act interested in me—” 

“Yamato. Stop,” Dad said, sounding angry now. “I’ve heard the worry in her voice before, especially when she learned about what you’ve been through recently. She’s not faking that, and more than that, she does not have to pretend she cares about you. If she didn’t care about you, she would have left and never contacted either of us ever again. She wouldn’t go through all that effort just to maintain a facade of interest.” 

I shrugged silently, still not sure I really believed him, but not quite willing to challenge him on it again in the face of his anger. “I have homework,” I finally mumbled, sliding off the couch. 

Dad just watched me go, not saying a word. 

* * *

The next day at school I couldn’t help but drag my feet some. My night had been filled with nightmares, which admittedly wasn’t at all unusual these days, but last night’s had been some of the more worse ones. Not the worst I’d ever had, but still pretty bad. Just weird combinations of everything with Takeru and Natsuko, Kento’s gang, and having talked about my suicide attempt and Ken some with the band recently, all coming back in my dreams. 

And to make things worse, Kento, Tetsuya, and Ayashi kept mildly harassing Taichi and me throughout the day. Nothing major, just little things like shoving us or glaring or pretending like one of them was going to hit us, but laughing instead. Enough to put us on edge and also confuse the hell out of us. I couldn’t figure out why they would bother to do those things. Surely that wasn’t it, surely that wasn’t all Kento had planned. I didn’t know if he was waiting for Sento to show up before he did anything major, or if he was getting a kick out of tormenting us this way instead. 

I also didn’t like that we didn’t know why Sento hadn’t shown his face yet. It made me nervous that they were planning something _big_. Something worse than anything they’d already done, something we might not ever recover from. It was starting to really scare me bad, enough to make me wonder if I shouldn’t talk to Dad, talk to him and get him to understand how serious it was, see if maybe _something_ could be done, though I really had no idea what, especially since the school wouldn't do anything. 

But if there was nothing to be done about it, then I didn’t want to worry Dad unnecessarily. I knew he’d said he would always worry about me, that it was his job as a parent, but I hated piling more worry onto his current ones. I hated the whole situation. 

I sighed as the final bell of the day rang, signalling the end of school. Wearily, I started packing up my books, giving Taichi a tired smile as he approached. “You coming over?” I asked him, really not up to being alone today. 

“Sure. The band not practising today either?” 

I shook my head, standing up and slinging my bookbag over a shoulder. “Ratsuii has to watch his little sister today.” 

“Doesn’t he have a million siblings? Why didn’t one of them watch her?” 

“Are you complaining?” I joked, and he smiled. “To be honest, I’m really not sure why. Ratsuii always volunteers himself for anything involving Luna. I guess he just really loves his sister.” 

“Sure, I love my sister too, but I still never gave up all my free time to watch her.” 

I shrugged. “I guess Ratsuii’s a better person than you,” I teased. 

He just stuck his tongue out at me, and I laughed. 

* * *

“You always make me feel so good,” I mumbled, kissing Taichi hard as he continued to rub small circles around my nipple. It hadn’t taken us long to start making out once we’d reached my apartment, though we at least had the sense to go in my room and lock the door behind us for once. I’d had enough of Dad walking in on us. 

“That’s the plan,” he replied, sitting up and smiling down at me. He reached out with his other hand, gently brushing back some of the hair from my face. 

“Less talking, more kissing,” I demanded, leaning up towards him. He complied happily, leaning down himself again to meet me. I gasped as he tweaked my nipple, feeling an excited tingle shoot straight down to my groin. 

I wanted more. I wanted desperately for him to touch me all over, to make me feel so amazing until I couldn’t stand it and had to come. I wanted to be able to do the same for him in return, to make him feel as good as he made me feel, to explore his entire body and learn what he liked and didn’t like, to see him get excited and melt under my hands and tongue. 

And yet, I couldn’t help but remember how the last disastrous attempt had went when I’d asked Taichi to touch me. Still, I figured a little further couldn’t hurt. “Taichi,” I said, tugging at his shirt to get his attention. 

“Hmm?” he murmured. 

“You can...” I paused, swallowing nervously. “You can take my shirt off. If you want.” 

He straightened up at that, looking down at me seriously. “Are you sure you’re okay with that?” 

I bit down on my lip, nodding. “I won’t say I’m not nervous,” I admitted hesitantly, attempting a smile. “But I want this. I want you to take my shirt off. And... you can use your mouth as well as your hands.” 

“Okay then,” he said, and now he sounded nervous too. “Here, sit up some then.” He helped me sit up enough to get my shirt off, though we still struggled for a moment with it. Finally, though, I was laying back on my bed, shirt tossed carelessly to the floor, with Taichi straddling me and admiring my bared chest. 

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he murmured, leaning down to give me a slow kiss. 

I swallowed, reminded of all the times Ken had said much the same thing to me, early on before he’d turned violent. But I wasn’t going to tell Taichi that and risk ruining the moment. So instead I just kissed him back, running my hands down his sides until I reached the ends of his shirt. A few quick tugs and it wasn’t long before his shirt joined mine in the floor. 

As before, I was beginning to feel really nervous with where things were going, but the things Taichi were doing to me felt so good, I didn’t want it to stop. 

Thankfully Taichi seemed content to just kiss me awhile longer, with heated, feverish kisses that shot straight to my dick, getting me fully aroused in minutes. It made it easier for me to want more. When he brought his hands back to my chest, I shook my head. “Want your mouth there,” I groaned, feeling brave enough to start touching his chest in the meantime, trailing feather light touches over his nipple. 

He shuddered, and let out a low moan. “Feels good.” Then he lowered his head down to my chest. 

I gasped and arched up off the bed slightly as his mouth enveloped my left nipple and suckled slightly. It was warm, and wet, and felt amazing. It had definitely never been like this with Ken. “Taichi,” I groaned as he continued to suck, swirling his tongue over my nipple every so often. I buried my hands in his hair, clenching fistfuls of it as he worked his magic on me. I was so hard it ached, and I could feel precum leaking out of my dick and smearing against my boxers. 

He lifted his head up then, and I let out a little whimper at the loss. “No, don’t stop,” I whined at him. For once, thoughts of Ken were at the back of my mind. All I was thinking about was how good Taichi had just made me feel, and how completely aroused I was, and how I just wanted to keep feeling that good. I wasn’t thinking about being scared, or nervous, or worried that I’d fuck something up. 

He grinned at me. “Felt good?” 

I pulled him into a kiss. “Fantastic,” I murmured against his lips. 

He gave me another wild grin. “Good,” he said, his voice a bit husky, “because I’m going to do it again,” and brought his mouth down to my right nipple this time. 

I could only lie there helplessly, letting out little gasps and whimpers every so often as he did something that felt particularly great, harder than I’d ever been in my life, my dick practically begging to be touched. 

At that thought, I wondered if I actually could let Taichi go further. My dick certainly wanted him to, but I didn’t know if I was really ready yet. Thinking about letting him touch me made me think all over again of the last time we'd tried, when he’d barely gotten his hand in my pants and I'd flipped out on him. I didn’t want that to happen again. I didn’t want to be scared of sex. I didn’t want to be reminded of something Ken did every time Taichi tried to do something similar. I just wanted to feel good, and to be able to make Taichi feel good in return. I didn’t want to have to be screwed up over sex anymore. 

Perhaps I could just let Taichi do it, even if I got scared. If I just let Taichi touch me, and didn’t say anything if I got scared, maybe I could get through it and then wouldn’t be scared anymore. I was so sick of being scared. 

With those thoughts running through my head, I decided to go for it. I told myself firmly that Taichi would never hurt me, and it would only feel good, so there was no reason to be scared. I tugged on his hair a bit, waiting until he’d stopped what he was doing and looked up at me inquiringly. “I want you to touch me,” I said quietly, being sure to make eye contact so he’d know I was serious. 

He blinked, not expecting that, and sat up. “Are you sure?” he asked, sounding hesitant. “You’re ready? I don’t want to move too fast for you...” 

I nodded, not betraying just how sure I wasn’t. “I want it, Taichi. I’m ready.” 

“Okay then,” he said, though he still sounded uncertain. “But again, if you change your mind, don’t be afraid to stop me. I won’t be mad, I promise.” 

I nodded, knowing he meant it, but determined not to stop him even if I did get scared. 

“Okay,” he repeated nervously, and took a deep breath. He reached out and undid the snap on my jeans and then paused, looking at me again. 

“I’m fine,” I said, smiling at him, though in truth that simple action had sent a thrum of anxiety through me. “I want this.” I said it more to reassure myself than him. I craned my head up and gave him a quick kiss. 

He kissed me back, deepening it, slipping his tongue in my mouth. We made out a bit, both of us relaxing, and then he began to tug my jeans down some, revealing just how hard my dick was straining against the confines of my boxers at that point. 

I tensed up, flinching as he placed his open palm gently against me. Just having his hand touching me felt good, but it also scared the hell out of me. Ken had never done exactly this to me, preferring to just immediately start jerking me off roughly, but I knew that soon Taichi would be jerking me off too, and that was enough to make me afraid that it would be like Ken, or send me into flashbacks. 

I jerked as Taichi ran his palm softly up and down the length of my dick a few times, feeling it through my boxers, but not yet grasping it. Still, it felt nice, and I could feel more precum wetting the front of my boxers. But I was tensing even more, and starting to wonder if I could keep quiet and let Taichi just do it. 

“You okay?” he asked quietly, stilling his hand. “You want me to stop?” 

I shook my head, still determined to get through this. “Keep going,” I told him. “Feels good,” I added, and then kissed him to shut him up. 

It seemed to be enough, for Taichi seemed to relax a bit more and moved his hand again, trailing his fingers back up my dick and then around my stomach, finally dipping under my boxers. 

I stiffened. I was starting to feel panicked, knowing what was about to come and knowing for sure now I wasn’t ready, but still not wanting him to stop. I took a few deep breaths, willing myself to calm down and relax. “Keep going,” I said, before he could ask if I was okay again. 

His only answer was to tentatively brush his fingers against the head, smearing some of my precum around. 

By now I was feeling the familiar tightness in my chest that indicated a panic attack was imminent in the next few minutes, but I desperately tried to hide that anything was wrong, to keep my breath steady and my body as relaxed as much as I could manage. I was _sick_ of being scared! I wanted to get through this. 

The fact that I hadn’t told Taichi to stop seemed to encourage him, and after a few more moments of slicking his fingers with my precum, he wrapped his hand around me. 

Unfortunately that was the point at which I just couldn’t handle it anymore. “Don’t!” I cried out, yanking away from him. He immediately jerked his hand out of my boxers and scooted back off of me, presumably trying to give me space. “It’s okay, I won’t do anything,” he said, trying to soothe me, but I wasn’t listening. I was scrambling around, trying to pull my pants back up and jump up off the bed at the same time, which only resulted in me falling to the floor. 

Taichi got up, alarmed, but I couldn’t be around him right then. I was panicking, and ashamed, and I just needed to get away. I somehow lumbered to my feet and quickly dashed out of my room and next door into the bathroom, slamming the door shut and locking it behind me. Once in there, I sank to the floor and curled into a ball, where I finally let go, the panic and embarrassment and self-hatred clawing its way out of me until I could only lay there and cry. 

A few minutes later I heard a knock at the door, and Taichi’s timid voice calling my name. “Yamato?” 

I didn’t answer him. I didn’t want to face him, hating that I’d fucked everything up yet again, and left him hanging. 

“Yamato, it’s okay. Please don’t be upset, I’m not mad at you. I told you I wouldn’t be, I understand that it’s hard for you and you’re scared. It’s okay that you’re not ready yet. I love you anyways. Please come out,” he begged, but I would have none of it. I stayed where I was, the only noise to be heard my hysterical crying. 

He was silent a bit, listening to me, and then tried again. “I’m really not mad, I promise. Please won’t you come out and talk to me?” 

I said nothing. I didn’t see what there really was for me to say right then. 

I heard him sigh, and then some rustling and thumping. “Fine, if you’re not ready to leave yet, you don’t have to, but I’m going to sit outside the door until you want to come out and talk.” 

I still said nothing. I just continued to lay there. I didn’t know how long I cried. I only knew how much hatred I felt for myself, hating that I felt so weak and afraid just because of sex. I didn’t know how to make my body stop reacting badly. I didn’t even understand it, I knew Taichi wasn’t Ken, and the things Taichi was doing had felt good. Admittedly, some of the things Ken had done to me had felt good too, at times, even if I’d hated that they were happening. 

And I was scared for the future, still scared that I’d never be able to get over this, would never be able to have sex with Taichi, or make him feel good, or stop associating everything with Ken. I was scared that eventually he would get tired of me and all my problems and leave me. And even if I wouldn’t blame him for it, I didn’t want him to leave me. He’d been my best friend for years, and was finally more. I loved him. I wanted him to be always in my life. 

Eventually my sobs lessened as I tired, before they finally tapered off into silence. Taichi didn’t speak once I quieted, but I heard him shifting every so often, so I knew he was still there. Some time after that, I wasn’t sure how long, I heard my dad come home. I heard him start down the hall, most likely intending to go into his room, or maybe check on me, before he stopped suddenly. 

“Taichi?” I heard him ask. I could easily imagine the raised eyebrow that went along with it, asking why the hell his son’s boyfriend was sitting in front of our closed bathroom door. 

Taichi sighed. “Yamato’s upset. He locked himself in and won’t come out. I should probably just go home, it’s been two hours already.” 

“I see,” I heard Dad reply, a mix of resignation and confusion in his voice. 

There was a slight thud against the door as Taichi apparently climbed to his feet, likely using the door for support. I heard them both walk away, their low voices in the living room saying words I couldn’t make out, and then the door shutting before Dad’s footsteps headed back towards the bathroom again. 

“Yamato?” Dad asked, stopping in front of the door. “You okay in there? Did you guys have a fight?” 

Now that Taichi had left, I felt I could breathe a bit easier. I slowly uncurled and sat up. “We didn’t fight,” I said quietly, wiping at the tears dried on my cheeks. 

“Do you want to talk about whatever’s wrong, then?” 

I knew there was no way I could ever tell Dad exactly what happened. It would be way too embarrassing and awkward. But I also wasn’t ready to even come out of the bathroom, or speak about it in general terms. “...Not really,” I finally said, my voice a bit shaky, suddenly wanting to cry again. 

Dad was quiet for a moment. I wasn’t sure what he might be thinking. I wondered if he had an idea of what happened. “Okay,” he said at last. “I’m here if you change your mind.” 

“Okay,” I whispered, not sure if he’d hear me through the door. I heard him walk away, and a few moments later the TV in the living room came on. 

I sat there awhile longer, trying to calm myself back down again before I started crying again. I’d had more than enough of crying all the time just because something even slightly bad happened. Eventually, I decided I was tired of sitting on the floor, and got to my feet, heading over to the sink to wash my face. I spent a few more minutes composing myself, then took a deep breath and opened the door. 

I hesitated for a moment, not sure whether to just go in my room or go sit with dad in the living room. But then I realised I really didn’t want to be alone to cry anymore, so I just quickly ducked in to grab my shirt and pull it on, and then slowly headed down the hall, crossing through the kitchen and into the living room. I sank down into the couch, pretending to check out whatever was on the TV as I deliberately avoided looking at dad. 

We sat silently for a bit, watching the TV, before I got up the courage to speak. “I tried again.” I said quietly, hoping he’d catch on to what I meant. 

“Tried...?” Dad started to ask, before it dawned on him. “Oh. With Taichi?” 

_No, with my other boyfriend_ , came the immediate sarcastic thought, but I squashed it. There wasn’t really a way for him to phrase it without making it super awkward. So I just nodded. “I couldn’t,” I admitted. 

Dad sighed, sounding sad. “It’s like I said before, Yamato. It’s going to take time and probably a few failed attempts along the way before you’re comfortable enough. It isn’t something that will happen immediately. Not being able to do it right now doesn’t mean you’re broken or not good enough, it just means you went through something traumatic and aren’t fully recovered yet. You’ll get there, okay?” 

“I just hate being so scared when it’s only Taichi. Even though I know he wouldn’t ever hurt me, I still get scared.” 

“Your body is remembering what it learned with Ken,” Dad said. “It has to learn new reactions with Taichi, something that will take time. You’ll get there, okay? Just take it slow and don’t force yourself into anything before you’re ready for it. That will only make things worse on both you and Taichi.” 

I nodded, feeling a little bit better. I could only hope that Taichi would be as understanding as Dad seemed to be. 

* * *

A few hours later I was back in my room, sitting on my bed, my song notebook open next to me. I’d been working on some new lyrics, trying to work out some of my emotions and keep myself calm and not thinking about what happened with Taichi. It was only partially working. 

I knew I needed to call him. Even if he understood, I felt bad for reacting the way I had earlier. What he’d been doing _had_ felt good. I just wasn’t ready to separate my past experiences from my new ones, and I wanted to make sure he knew it was nothing to do with him. 

I looked down at my notebook, re-reading through the last verse a few times and realising how little sense it made. I sighed, and, after closing it, shoved it back into the drawer of my nightstand. I wouldn’t be able to write clearly until I’d talked to Taichi. 

I slid off the bed and headed over to my desk, where I’d tossed my bookbag after school. I dug out my cell and dialled Taichi’s home number. After a few rings he answered, and I felt my heart drop anxiously into my stomach at his voice. What if he didn’t understand? What if he rejected me? “Hello?” Taichi repeated, when I hadn’t spoken yet. 

I swallowed. “Hi,” I said nervously. “It’s Yamato.” 

“Oh, hey Yamato,” he said casually. “What’s up?” 

“Listen, I just... I wanted to apologise for earlier,” I said quietly. “About running out on you and locking myself in the bathroom...” 

“It’s fine,” he said, his tone of voice going serious. “Really, it is. I told you before, I understand it’s hard for you and that you’re not ready yet. I’m not mad and I don’t hate you. I don’t want you to force yourself to do things you’re not comfortable with, or that scare you. Okay? I don’t need sex to be happy, right now I’m happy just being with you. We’ve got plenty of time for that later and I can wait as long as you need to be ready.” 

“But what if it takes me two years to be ready?” I asked him, voice cracking. I was feeling close to tears again, both at his understanding words and because of my fear of not being good enough. 

“Then it takes you two years to be ready. That’s all there is to it,” he said easily. 

“You make it sound so simple...” 

“It is that simple. You’re not ready, we don’t do it. That’s the most important part.” 

I swallowed heavily, a lump in my throat, and put a hand over my eyes, trying hard not to cry. “Okay,” I said. “Okay. If I’m not ready, then I’m just not ready. I won’t force it anymore. I’m sorry I tried to today. I hope I didn’t upset you, what you were doing really did feel good.” 

“I wasn’t upset, just worried for you. Are you okay now, at least?” 

“As much as I can be,” I said honestly. “I just wanted to make sure that _we_ were okay. Walk with me to school tomorrow?” 

“Of course! See you then,” he said happily. 

“See you then,” I echoed, and hung up. 

I set the phone down next to me, and stood up to begin getting ready for bed. I wasn’t completely okay with everything that had happened today, but I couldn’t deny that Taichi’s kind understanding and reassurances had made me feel a lot better about everything. I wasn’t going to force myself anymore. I wasn’t ready for everything yet, and that was okay. I could take it slow, and Taichi wouldn’t hate me for it. For now, that was about as good as it got.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (29 july 2015 1100AM)


	15. Book Two - chapter fifteen - those stand-still moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _tick tock tick tock go the hands of the clock_   
>  _it's the border time, the time between end and beginning_   
>  _tick tock tick tock went the hands of the clock_   
>  _they've all aligned_
> 
> _I was waiting there speechless_   
>  _for a sorrow so deep it would make me laugh_   
>  _I was waiting there speechless_   
>  _for a joy so great it would bring me to tears_
> 
> _sealed in in a room devoid of others' warmth_  
>  _I'm stretching my cold hand forward_  
>  _no one else knows where I am_  
>  \- **Hello Sleepwalkers** , goya no machiawase.

Friday morning dawned, and found me in a weird mix of apprehension, sadness, and relief. Last night at Yamato’s had been rough on me emotionally. I was relieved he had stopped me before it went too far, but wish he had stopped me even sooner, as it was clear he wasn’t ready for us to get anywhere near that far yet. I was also relieved that he had called me last night, but sad that he had still felt the need to apologise for his reaction. More so, I was sad that he’d been hurt so badly by Ken. I hated seeing him look so broken and terrified and hurt. I wanted to take all the pain away from him, make it so he forgot what ever happened to him and only knew the good.

The apprehension I was feeling, however, I couldn’t really explain. I had no reason to be apprehensive about anything. Yamato wasn’t mad at me, I didn’t have any big tests, I’d done all my homework... Any reassurances I gave myself didn’t help though, and as there wasn’t much else I could do, I just shrugged it off and headed to Yamato’s to walk with him to school. 

The morning dragged by slowly, but finally lunch rolled around. We left Nakamura Sensei’s class in a hurry, heading over to our lockers for our lunches and afternoon books. “Hey, do you mind if we eat in the old gym today?” Yamato asked me. “I want to talk to you about something.” 

I shrugged. “Fine by me.” I didn’t care where we ate, so as long as we actually ate. I was starving. I hated having third lunch this year. I shut my locker and followed him outside and down the familiar path, looking around to make sure no teachers were nearby. I nodded the all-clear to Yamato, and we slipped in and headed over to our usual spot under the bleachers. Once we got settled and had started in on our food, I asked him what was up. 

He sighed, looking at down at the rest of his bento, then pushed it away. “Tetsuya was waiting for me after second period to deliver a threat.” 

I clenched my fist reflexively, angered at hearing that. “What’d that bastard say?” I growled. I didn’t even really care, I just wanted to punch his face in. But that’s how we’d wound up in this mess in the first place. 

Yamato shook his head. “It doesn’t really matter, the same stupid stuff they’ve been saying. But it’s starting to really scare me, Taichi. They’re not usually one to just taunt and threat. I’m guessing they’re leading up to something big. I was wondering... do you think we should tell someone what they're doing?” 

It was my turn to sigh. “Probably. We probably should have ages ago.” I looked at his shame-filled face and scowled. “I’m _not_ blaming you, so don’t even start in on those thoughts.” 

“Right... Who should we tell, then? A teacher maybe? Since they’ve been bothering us at school?” 

“I don’t know, would the teachers bother to do anything? Well, other than Tadaji Sensei maybe, he might...” 

“Yeah, he did get rid of Kawada Sensei for me, even if he won’t actually admit it. But I’m not sure what he _could_ do about Kento’s gang...” 

“Hmm...” I paused, lost in thought for a moment. “What about your dad?” I asked tentatively. “I mean, he at least knows we’ve had a run-in with them before, back when you had that first panic attack.” 

“More than that...” he mumbled. 

“Huh?” 

“He knows more than that,” he said. “The night I left you at the hospital, I told him pretty much everything up to that point. But he’s not aware that Sento is out of the hospital and the others have been threatening and harassing us.” 

“Oh,” I said a bit faintly, surprised. Yamato seemed to always try to keep his dad out of the loop until the last possible moment, I hadn’t expected him to have already told the truth about the twin terrors. “Well then, I definitely think we should tell him. We won’t have to catch him up on the whole story, and he’ll probably know better what to do, and be able to help us.” 

“I guess so,” Yamato agreed, though he didn’t look very happy about it. "He already tried talking to the school though, and they said they couldn't do anything unless something happened." 

“Well now something _is_ happening," I pointed out. "And I know you don’t like for him to worry, but if it’ll keep us safe I’d rather him worry a little,” I added gently. 

“I know, I know...” 

“Tonight then? I’ll come home with you and we can tell him once he’s home from work?” 

Yamato nodded. 

* * *

Afternoon classes passed by in a drag. I felt on edge, just wanting them to be over already so we could go home and wait on Mr. Ishida to tell him about Kento’s gang. Thinking about Tetsuya threatening Yamato was getting under my skin, and the more I thought about it, the more my blood boiled. I was afraid of doing something stupid if I saw them again. I wanted to be able to tell an adult and let them handle it. 

And like Yamato, I also didn’t like that we didn’t know what was going on with Sento. Kenji had once again dutifully reported in to us during third period, but didn’t have much new to tell us other than that his mother was beside herself with worry because neither of the twins had come home since Sento was released. I didn’t know what to think about it. 

Finally, the last class ended, the sound of the bell sending a feeling of relief washing over me. I quickly packed up and waited for the other students to clear out, going over to Yamato. “Ready to go?” I asked him quietly, and he merely nodded. 

We waved goodbye to Tadaji Sensei as we left. Yamato was visibly nervous, and I wondered just what it was Tetsuya had said to him. I smiled at him and grabbed his hand as we headed down the halls to the front of the school, trying to help him feel a bit calmer and safer. After we had made it out and down the walk a bit without any run-ins, Yamato at last relaxed, finally smiling at me. “Sorry,” he said. 

I squeezed his hand briefly. “Don’t be.” 

We started the walk home quietly, neither of us really feeling the need to talk, just enjoying the silence of each others’ company. However, we’d only just barely made it out of the school when it happened. 

A clattering sound behind us made us both whirl around suddenly, fearing the worst, but when I scanned the street and sidewalk, they were empty. Still, my heart was pounding furiously in my chest, and I squeezed Yamato’s hand again, more tightly this time. 

We turned back around, only to find Sento in our faces. My eyes widened in panic, but I didn’t have time to react any further, because Sento quickly reared back and delivered a fierce fist to my face. 

I staggered back, my bookbag sliding to the ground with a thud as I lost my grip on it. I heard Yamato cry my name out, but I was too stunned to respond. Not that I was really given time to. Before I knew it, Kento, Tetsuya, and Ayashi had all joined us, and had us surrounded. A gleam of metal caught my eye, and I realised Sento had pulled out his knife. Beside me, I heard Yamato’s breathing change, coming faster than usual, and knew he was on the verge of a panic attack. I wanted to reassure him, to tell him that things would be okay, but for the first time I didn’t believe it, and I couldn’t bring myself to lie to him. 

“Move,” Sento growled at us, and with the threat of four plus a knife against two, we had no choice but to comply. They led us a little further down the sidewalk, ducking down a small alleyway just before the area turned residential. 

I was scared. I was so damn scared. They had a knife, and they were getting us out of sight, and I was terrified they were going to kill us. If this is what Yamato had felt when they’d attacked him before, I didn’t blame him one bit for not being able to talk about it before, and I now felt horribly ashamed I’d tried to push him to. 

The four of them circled us, with Tetsuya and Ayashi on my side and Kento and Sento’s on Yamato’s. I cringed away a bit, pressing myself up against Yamato. I was worried for him, he was definitely going into a full-blown panic attack, and I knew he had to be just terrified as I was, if not more so. 

I swallowed. “Look, it’s me you guys want. Leave him out of this, he had nothing to do with any of it.” 

Sento laughed darkly, glaring over at me. “I don’t think so.” 

I tried to think of something to say to that, but wasn’t given a chance. Tetsuya's arms were suddenly around my waist, lifting me up and away from Yamato, and they were surprisingly strong. I squirmed and tried to wriggle out of his grasp to no avail. He carried me a short distance away, further into the alley, with Ayashi following after him. "Let me go!" I cried, not wanting to be away from Yamato and scared that they were separating us. Without warning, Tetsuya suddenly flung me to the ground. 

"Shut up," he growled, his eyes narrowed down at me, glaring darkly. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ayashi advancing towards me, and I focused my attention on him, expecting an attack. Unfortunately, this left me completely unprepared for the sharp kick Tetsuya suddenly delivered to my side. I grunted, feeling the pain, knowing there'd be a bruise tomorrow. If I lived to see it. Tetsuya's foot rose to kick me again, and I reached out with my hands and grabbed it, causing him to fall flat on his ass. "I don't think so," I spit out angrily. Even though I was terrified, and half-convinced I was going to die, I wasn’t going to just lay there and let them kill me. And I wanted to get back to Yamato, to try to protect him. I knew there was little chance of him fighting back in his state. However, Tetsuya scrambled to his feet too quick for me to have a chance to do anything, looking slightly caught off-balance. 

"You little shit," he hissed at me. "Ayashi!" 

Oh shit. I'd already forgotten Ayashi again. This would have been so much easier if there was just one of them, and if I wasn’t distracted out of my mind with worry for what Kento and Sento might be doing to Yamato. I moved to get to my feet, to scramble away or at least have a better chance to defend myself, but before I could I was yanked roughly to my feet and held back tightly against Ayashi's body, arms brought behind my back and intertwined with Ayashi's painfully. I made to run, but I was tugged tighter back against Ayashi, and then Tetsuya was right in front of me, effectively blocking any escape. 

He grinned, and then lowered his face directly before mine. The next thing I knew, wet lips were being pressed roughly against my own, and Tetsuya's tongue shoved into my mouth. I gagged, and he pulled back, still grinning sadistically. "I always wanted to do that. You have such pretty lips Yagami, they were practically begging to be kissed." 

"Bastard," I hissed venomously. I felt sick, and violated. Of all the things I'd been expecting from them, that had been the last thing on my mind. It was also yet another small taste of what Yamato must have been feeling these past months, being violated by Ken. It only made me angrier on his behalf. 

"Oh, don't take it personally, Yagami. We've been ordered to distract you until Kento and Sento are finished with Yamato, so why not have a little fun while we wait, hmm?" And then he laughed, truly enjoying this. That angered me more than the kiss had, more than anything they'd ever done to me or Yamato before... That they could be enjoying this... Kenji had tried to warn me, and I thought I’d understood, but now I realised I hadn’t really, not until I was truly confronted with it. 

"Son of a bitch!" I screamed at him, then. A sudden rush of adrenaline fuelled by emotions enabled me to break hold of Ayashi's tight grip, and I flung myself forward, tackling Tetsuya, my weight and rage throwing his tall, thin body to the ground quite easily. I started in on him, flinging punches left and right without taking the time to aim, the anger giving me a strength I didn’t normally possess. However, my advantage was short-lived as I was soon pulled off of him by Ayashi, who I’d once again failed to take in to account. 

He pushed me back down to the ground, holding me down with a booted foot, and after Tetsuya climbed back to his feet and wiped at the blood flowing from his nose, he threw himself on top of me. He didn’t weigh much, but it was still enough to momentarily knock the breath out of me. 

He leaned down again, presumably to kiss me, but before he could I did my best to spit in his face. His eyes darkened, and his mouth opened—whether to say something or spit back, I didn’t get the chance to find out, because just then the most pain-filled scream I'd ever heard rang out down the alleyway, echoing across the buildings around us. It froze my blood, and even managed to stop Tetsuya and Ayashi in their tracks. I took advantage of their momentary distraction to shove Tetsuya back off me and get to my feet again, and then looked over to where the others were. What I saw... 

Yamato was sitting on top of Kento, who was looking decidedly and surprisingly beat up. But I was more alarmed by the fact that Yamato’s blazer and shirt were missing, and dark red blood was rapidly staining Yamato’s undershirt with an ever-widening circle. Slightly off to the side of them, Sento was standing and holding his knife, looking smugly satisfied with himself, the shiny metal of the blade now smeared with red. I could only stare in horror as Yamato slowly reached his fingers down and touched the area where the wound was in disbelief, his eyes wide. He raised his blood-covered fingers to his face, letting out a low moan, the sound so intense and full of pain and horror that I physically flinched from it. 

It was the sound of Sento's sick laughter that managed to snap me out of my shock. 

"You fucking bastard!" I screamed in fury at the top of my lungs, and, completely ignoring Ayashi and Tetsuya now, tried to launch myself at Sento. Hastily Ayashi reached out and grabbed my legs to stop me, causing me to fall down flat on my face, too fast to break my fall. 

I raised my head to check on Yamato, not even caring that I'd bloodied my nose and scraped up my face pretty bad in the fall. Sento had pulled him off Kento by now, and they had him up against the wall of one of the buildings, laughing as they kicked and punched at him while he huddled miserably, unable to defend himself, occasionally crying out as Sento deliberately aimed for his new knife wound. 

I started to kick my legs, trying to get free, tears pricking at my eyes in frustration and anger, my fear for Yamato causing a lump in my throat. When my shoe finally connected squarely with Ayashi’s jaw, I was momentarily pleased, thinking I could get free and get to Yamato. However, he didn't loosen his hold, and I was forced to remain in his grasp as my energy ran out, watching helplessly as Kento and Sento worked on beating my boyfriend to death. Dimly I heard Tetsuya and Ayashi laughing and shouting, cheering their fellow gang members on, but I ignored them both, no longer caring. 

"Yamato..." I sobbed quietly. I was drowning in emotional sorrow, hating myself for not being able to save him, to protect him and never let any more harm come to him. Why did it have to come to this? _How_ had it come to this... I knew it was my fault. But I had never expected this... How careless and foolish I'd been. If only there was something I could still do, something to save him... I didn’t want to lose him! I didn’t want to die like this! With my thoughts giving me renewed strength, I tried once again to break free from Ayashi, but he just swore at me and held on tighter. 

Annoyed at being interrupted, Tetsuya turned around and slapped me so hard across the face my ears started to ring. "Stop it and stay still!" he commanded angrily. So I continued to watch helplessly, hating myself all the more. Then Yamato suddenly went slack against the wall of the building he’d been tossed against, and I had to close my eyes against fresh tears, terror-filled noises clawing their way out of my throat. I was hoping desperately he had only fainted. Still, I had to do something fast, or else he'd lose too much blood and he'd... 

"No!" I cried, opening my eyes again. I wouldn't let that happen! Yamato wasn’t going to die, I _refused_ to lose him! I tried one more time to get free, doing everything I could think of to get Ayashi to let go of me. Loud shouting in the distance caught my attention, and I jerked my head up and towards the source. I couldn’t believe it when I saw who was doing the shouting, and even briefly ceased my struggling. 

Framing the entrance to the alleyway was Kenji, shouting words I couldn't quite make out and waving his arms a bit frantically. And trailing a little behind him, looking a bit reluctant, was Ken. 

I had no idea what to make of it. Kenji had seemed just as clueless about his brothers’ whereabouts as the rest of us, so how had he known where to find us? And what in the world was Ken of all people doing with him? _Ken_ , who'd tortured and abused Yamato, who'd plagued him with nightmares and fear for months, who'd nearly killed him, who'd driven him to attempt suicide, who'd used Yamato's body for his own twisted pleasure just because Yamato didn't return his feelings. 

Ken, who'd never been quite right in the head, who'd lost not only his older brother, but his baby brother as well. Ken, who'd been the Kaiser in the Digital World all those ages ago, and who once had never been fully trusted by anyone other than Daisuke but who’d later made a very close friend of Yamato. Ken, who'd been locked away for good, only to escape some weeks later just to try and apologise to Yamato for everything he’d done and then disappeared again when Yamato wouldn’t accept it. 

Ken, who was now in the alleyway with us along with Kenji somehow. But with good or bad intentions? I had no way of knowing. 

Kenji approached his brothers, still shouting angrily. I was able to make out his words now, and heard him cry, "Kento! Sento! Stop it! Stop hurting him! Let them go!" 

Ken came closer as well, making his way over to where I was still being held by Ayashi and Tetsuya. I cringed back a bit, unsure if he meant to join or help, but he completely ignored me, instead looking at Tetsuya and Ayashi, glaring, the violet in his eyes dark. "Let Taichi go," he hissed menacingly, and there was such venom and loathing in his voice that I flinched in surprise, much the same way I had at Yamato's scream. 

Obediently and immediately Ayashi let go of me, and the two of them backed off, hands raised in the air. "H-hey.. no harm done, right Ken? We were just following your cousin's orders..." 

Cousin? I frowned in confusion, the implications in Tetsuya’s words unsettling me. And the fact that he had such power over the two of them left me even less sure of what was going on than what I had thought a minute ago. 

"Well, now you're following mine," he told them coldly. "And don't even _think_ about going anywhere." 

"Of-of course not!" Ayashi laughed, a bit nervously. "Wouldn't miss any of this for the world..." 

I ignored the rest of this, and finally ran over to Yamato, who was now left alone as Kenji was fighting with his brothers. I knelt down anxiously by his side. Very, very gently, I attempted to pull up his undershirt, wanting to see the wound and assess the damage. The second my fingers tugged, his eyes snapped open wide, and he let out another ear-shattering scream. It tore at my heart, but I jerked my hand away instantly, instead putting it on his shoulder, trying not to show any of the fear and pain I felt. "Yamato, it's me, Taichi," I said softly. "I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. Can you look at me?” 

He slowly lifted his head up and attempted to focus his eyes onto mine, though he was unable to hold my gaze for more then a second or two before he went unfocused again. His breathing was laboured and shallow, and it scared me deeply. 

He closed his eyes again then, consciousness slipping back away from him. I swallowed hard, blinking back tears. He needed an ambulance, _now_. I got back to my feet hurriedly and looked around for my bookbag, knowing my cell was in it. I didn’t see it anywhere. I continued searching with my eyes frantically, trying to think what had happened to it. Then I remembered. It had tumbled to the ground when Sento had punched me, and had been left behind. Cursing, I moved toward the entrance, wanting to go after it, but was suddenly thrown to the ground as Kento slammed into my side, shoved by Ken. 

I gasped out, the wind knocked out of me, and managed to reach up and shove Kento off. Ken approached us both, and didn’t give the other boy a chance to get up before he was on him again, attacking for all he was worth. I decided to leave him to it, not feeling quite amicable enough to actively help him despite his saving me, and turned to leave again. 

I caught sight of Sento as I did, shocked to see him and Kenji locked tight in a struggle. Sento had his knife out, and Kenji was only just managing to keep his brother from sticking it in his chest. However, blood was flowing sluggishly from both his side and his stomach, and I knew Sento had already had a bit of fun with his brother. I paused in distraction, now torn between wanting to help him or go get my phone and send for EMS. 

"Dammit," I cursed. Kenji heard me and looked over at me, his eyes locking with mine, pleading for me to help him, though he'd never admit it out loud. 

There was nothing for it. I rushed over and bowled into Sento from the side, knocking him away from Kenji. Then I came around him from behind and pushed him to the ground, throwing myself on top of him and getting in a few good punches, not even caring about the knife at the moment. However, it didn’t take long for him to reach up and get a good hold on me, and he managed to pull me down and roll me over, now on top of me and pinning me to the ground. I cursed and struggled and tried to push him off me. 

Where the fuck was Kenji? I’d helped him, why hadn’t he joined me in attacking Sento? I hoped he wasn’t hurt worse than I’d realised, though it had looked like Sento’s knife had only slashed him, not stabbed him like Yamato. 

"Asshole!" I cried, frustrated at finding myself yet again trapped. "Get... OFF!" I tried once more, vainly, to shove Sento away. He merely laughed and stayed firmly on top of my chest, one hand holding both my wrists down, the other lightly trailing his knife down my chest, too lightly to even cut through my shirt, but with just enough pressure for me to clearly get the threat. 

Tears lurked in the corners of my eyes again. I just wanted to be free and go call for help. I was starting to find it difficult to draw a full breath. Sento wasn’t fat, but he had plenty of muscle, and he was heavy. It felt like he was crushing me... like he'd push my lungs straight through my back and into the pavement below. 

Out of nowhere, Kenji came flying into Sento from the side, his knife tumbling through the air, arcing high before clattering back down to the ground close to the wall, while Sento himself was pushed off of me. The momentum was too much for Kenji though, and he stumbled and fell, landing on top of my groin and legs, his weight nearly as heavy as Sento’s. 

Great. I no longer had Sento on me, but now I was trapped by Kenji, who was too injured to move himself anymore. 

Momentarily forgetting me, Sento quickly righted himself and went and snatched his knife off the pavement, then turned to face his brother. "You stupid little fucker," he hissed. He advanced slowly toward Kenji, knife in hand. 

"Sento! Please! Stop this," Kenji begged. "It's... insane. It's gone too far... Please, just stop... I don’t want to have to watch you kill anyone else..." There were tears in both his eyes and voice, the sorrow he felt almost tangible around us. 

"Kenji," I said softly to him. "It's not going to do any good... he won't listen to you. You might as well not try." 

"But I have to try! I have to... I can't... I can't let anyone get hurt anymore. I'm sick of it, sick of living with the guilt and fear... sick of living with the knowledge of all the awful things my brothers have done. Not only to me, and to my friends and family, but to others as well, people I don't know... some I never will because they're now _dead_ thanks to my brothers!" There was no mistaking the disgust in his voice when he referred to them as his brothers, and quite suddenly I felt ashamed for ever having doubted him before. 

"Kenji. Shut up, little brother," Sento growled softly, still creeping toward him. I found it weird he would drag it out so long, but I suppose he knew we were trapped and had nowhere to go, and wanted to savour the moment. 

"Kenji," I whispered. "Kenji, quick, listen. You've got to get off me, let me move and stop him. Otherwise he'll probably kill us both." 

"I... I can't," he mumbled. 

"Why not?! You've _got_ to!" 

"But... I can't... I can't move anymore... it hurts way too much!" 

"Kenji... please," I pleaded. "If you don’t, he’ll surely kill not only us, but Yamato and probably even Ken. If you care about any of us at all, _please_ move now." 

Kenji glanced up at me, and then he nodded, a determined expression settling into his face. He managed to move his arms and place his palms flat against the ground, and attempted to raise himself up, his face grimacing and contorting into a horrifying expression of pain. He was able to lift up a little, but not enough for me to pull myself free. He collapsed back on top of me, breathing heavily, sweat pouring down his face, skin gone pale. "I can't!" he cried again. 

"Try again," I urged. “I just need you to lift up enough for me to slide out, come on—” But it was too late. Sento was upon us now. "Need some help, Kenji?" he asked nastily, grinning. Then he pulled Kenji off of me by the hair. Kenji let out a shrill scream of pain, closing his eyes and whimpering softly. "No, Sento, please don't... I don't want to die..." 

I should have gotten up then, should have tried to stop Sento, or ran for my bag and called for help, anything except lay there in frozen horror and watch as the inevitable slowly happened. 

"Too late for that, little brother," Sento smirked. "You should have just stayed out of this. You might have had a better chance of seeing tomorrow." He tossed Kenji down on the ground, a look of such grotesque contempt and hatred in his face that I couldn’t bear to look at it. The words he said next didn’t really make much sense to me, though I suppose Kenji understood them. “It was never fair. Why did _you_ always get to be free, and I didn’t? Because I was first? Because I was attached?” 

He dropped down next to his brother, grabbing another fistful of his hair again, and yanked Kenji’s head up. “Look at me!” he demanded, but Kenji merely whimpered, and kept his eyes closed. 

“Why weren’t you chosen as well?!” Sento screamed at him in a rage, and slammed Kenji’s head forcefully back down against the ground, the loud crack echoing sickeningly around the alleyway, almost masking Kenji’s groan of pain. I was crying now, too horrified to even think about moving, and too caught up in the moment to remember I needed to get help. 

Sento spit on Kenji in disgust, and then raised his knife above his body, preparing to plunge it down into him. I quickly closed my eyes and turned my head, not wanting to actually watch, not wanting to see someone who’d been a friend to me get murdered. I hated myself harder than ever in that moment. I should have done something, should have got up and tried to shove him out of the way, or pulled him back against me... if it had even just been his arm stabbed or something... 

Even with the bit of distance between us, I felt the blood spatter against my cheek. A heart-wrenching scream tore out of Kenji, and I sobbed harder, wondering if he was dead yet. I wondered if Yamato was dead too, and if I’d be next. 

But then I heard more shouts and scuffling, and I opened my eyes again, looking back towards them. I was surprised to see Ken tangled up with Sento, the two of them viciously clawing, punching, and kicking at each other. Sento’s knife had fallen to the ground. I looked for Kento, confused, and saw him some feet away on the ground, unconscious. Tetsuya and Ayashi were kneeling beside him, such wide-eyed looks of shock and horror and disbelief on their faces that I almost felt sorry for them. I doubted they had expected things to turn this dark. 

Then I gathered up my courage and looked over at Kenji. He was amazingly still alive, chest rising and falling slowly, the front of his shirt soaked in blood. Blood was also trickling down on his side, forming a little puddle around him. What scared me the most was that some was also trailing out of his mouth on one side. Somehow I managed to break out of my shock, getting to my knees and crawling over to him. His breathing was ragged and uneven, and little bubbles of blood kept popping in his mouth, making a small wet smacking sound. 

"Oh no..." I moaned through my tears. Frantically I began to rip off my shirt, a burst of anger thrumming through me as it caught on my elbows. Finally I had it off and anxiously pressed it as tight as I could against Kenji's chest, trying my best to stop the blood, though I knew the chance of him making it was very slim. 

"Kenji, listen... Dammit. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I should have done something sooner... Listen, don't die, okay? You can't die, the band needs you, Yamato needs you, we _all_ need you... Oh please," I moaned, even more tears spilling down my cheeks and splashing onto his red-stained shirt. "Kenji, I swear if you die on us... Please don’t... Kenji..." 

"I... ha..." Kenji moved his mouth, opened and closed it a few times. 

"Kenji?" I asked, hastily wiping away a few tears. "Kenji, don't try to talk. Gotta save your breath, save your strength so you'll pull through, you can make this..." 

"S... sorry..." he rasped out, completely ignoring everything I'd just said. 

Despite my best efforts, more tears welled up in my eyes and overflowed. "Sorry? Sorry for what?" 

"I... tried... couldn't save... you guys..." 

"You... you idiot," I choked out. "Of course you did.. You saved Yamato, and you saved me, and I'll always be grateful. There's nothing to be sorry for. But none of it matters, because you aren't going to die, do you understand?!" 

Very faintly, he nodded. Then he closed his eyes, and took one last burbling breath. I watched as his chest stopped moving up and down, not wanting to believe it. "Kenji? Kenji! SHIT!" I pressed down harder with my shirt, as if it would do anything now. "Kenji? Fuck! I didn't say you could do this, I didn't give you permission to go and die on me!" I was crying so hard now I could barely see anything through my tears, but I certainly felt Ken's hands roughly shoving me aside. 

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" I shouted at him, voice slightly slurred from my grief. "You asshole, get off him!" 

"Taichi!" Ken's voice cut through sharply. "Now is not the time! Help me!" I watched, confused, as he began to make some sort of pumping motions on Kenji's chest, and then I understood. CPR. Not that I thought it'd do much good. Kenji had lost too much blood. Still, I bent down over his face and put my lips against his mouth, trying to breath the life back into him, ignoring the metallic taste of his blood as best as I could. 

"I called an ambulance a bit ago," Ken grunted. "Should be here shortly." 

I looked up at him then, only just noticing the tears making their way down his own cheeks. In a way, I should have been surprised, and relieved, but all I felt was a strange numbness that masked anything else I might have felt. So I just nodded, and went back to my futile efforts of dragging Kenji back from the dead. 

Wherever Yamato was, I could only hope he hadn’t suffered the same fate. 

I breathed into Kenji once more, silently begging him to gasp, to cough, to magically come back to life the way I’d always seen in movies. But he lay still and unmoving, no sign of responsiveness left in him. Still, I didn't let up, knowing I'd never forgive myself if I didn't try as hard as I could to save him. 

I was still trying when the ambulance arrived five minutes later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (26 january 2016 0841PM)


	16. Book Two - chapter sixteen - fall and break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had always intended for this chapter to exist. This is the fight of the previous chapter told from Yamato's point of view. In the original fic, I had started writing this chapter and then my file got corrupted so that I lost all but a small portion I had on copy/paste. I've never been able to recover that file, so most of this is written new. 
> 
> _and this will be_  
>  _the one moment that matters_  
>  _and this will be_  
>  _the one thing we remember_  
>  _and this will be_  
>  _the reason to have been here_  
>  _and this will be_  
>  _the one moment that matters at all_  
>  \- **OK Go** , the one moment.

Waking on Friday morning, I found myself filled with a strange sense of apprehension I couldn’t really explain. Sitting up in bed, rubbing at my eyes blearily as I slowly came to full awareness, I tried to pinpoint any explanation for the situation. I had apologised to Taichi last night for freaking out and locking myself in the bathroom, so it’s not like I was worried about seeing him. And my Sento situation hadn’t changed any, so that shouldn’t have made me feel any more apprehensive than usual... Dad and I hadn’t fought...

Shaking it off as perhaps just the remnants of a strange dream, I reluctantly climbed out of bed and began getting ready to face the day. But by the time I got to school, I wasn’t able to get rid of the feeling. In fact, the closer Taichi and I got to the school, the more my worry increased. There was nothing to be done for it though, so I did my best to ignore it, just focusing first on homeroom and then second period. 

When I left the classroom after second, I was almost _relieved_ to see Tetsuya leaning deceptively casual on the wall across the hall, waiting for me. I halted as I spotted him, causing someone to bump into me from behind. 

“Watch it!” a male voice growled, making me flinch. I hastily moved out of the way, backing up against a few lockers. 

Tetsuya straightened up, approaching me. “Ishida,” he greeted me, the calm tone belying the nasty smirk on his face. 

I shrunk back a bit, afraid and wishing I wasn’t. “What do you want?” I asked, trying to sound like I didn’t care and failing miserably. 

He smiled. It wasn’t a nice one. “Just here to give a friendly warning.” 

“Then give it and go away,” I said, swallowing nervously. I wished I could look confident and unconcerned, but in truth I was terrified his “warning” was going to be physical. 

“We’ll be coming to collect soon.” 

Immediately, I remembered the words Kento had said to me last Thursday. _Trust me, we’ll make you pay._ I knew Tetsuya was referencing them. But I didn’t know if it was a genuine warning or if it was just yet another scare tactic to keep me on edge. 

“Consider your message delivered,” I said coldly, though the slight tremble in my voice gave me away. 

He gave me another cruel smirk, running a hand through dark hair before turning and sauntering away. I wrapped my arms around myself and took a deep breath once he was gone, trying to let go of the fear and worry and not go into another panic attack, though I dearly wanted to at the thought of Kento possibly coming after me soon. After another few breaths, I felt calm enough to head to third. 

* * *

The rest of the day following Tetsuya’s warning seemed to pass by way too fast. It reminded me of being younger, when I’d get a bad test grade and would hope that the day would drag by slowly as possible before I had to go home and show Dad, but instead the day would spite me and not even feel like an hour long. The rest of my classes after Tetsuya’s warning felt kind of like that. It seemed like no time at all before Taichi and I were walking down the halls hand-in-hand, making our way towards the main entrance. I was tense the entire walk, and I knew Taichi was picking up on it. I hadn’t told him exactly what Tetsuya had said. I didn’t even know why, really, he deserved to know. I just didn’t want him to worry any more than necessary. 

Once we made it out of the building and away from the school without being accosted, I relaxed slightly. Our chances of being attacked outside of the immediate vicinity of school were a lot less than at school. I smiled at Taichi, feeling a bit silly. We were going to go home and tell my dad and he'd help us figure something out and things would be fine. Why had I been so apprehensive the whole day? “Sorry,” I said, not even quite sure what I was apologising to him for. 

I felt Taichi squeeze my hand, offering his never-ending support. “Don’t be.” 

We walked along in silence after that. Taichi seemed content to enjoy the warm and sunny afternoon, and I was contemplating on how the conversation with Dad might go, not really paying attention to my surroundings. 

If only I had. 

A loud clattering sound behind us sent me whirling around and alert again. My eyes darted around rapidly, looking both for the source of the sound and any sign of Kento’s gang. I saw neither. Beside me, Taichi was just as tense, and I felt him squeeze my hand again, tighter this time. I gave a quick squeeze back and turned back around, wanting to hurry home. 

Sento was directly behind us. I didn’t even have time to process the fact, much less react to it. Immediately, Sento delivered a hard punch to Taichi’s face, and he staggered back, letting go of my hand as his bookbag slipped from his shoulders and fell to the ground. 

“Taichi!” I cried, scared and worried for us both. Taichi didn’t respond, and soon Kento, Tetsuya, and Ayashi were circling around us, a mix of amused and cold expressions on their faces. The sun glinting off a bit of metal caught my attention, and I realised Sento had pulled out his knife. I started to breath faster as I remembered the last time I had seen that knife, trailing down my cheek right before I had passed out and been left for dead. And my shoulder still ached in remembrance of Ken’s knife sometimes. I didn’t have a good track record with knives... 

“Move,” Sento ordered, but the syllable was more of a low growl in his throat than anything else. 

I didn’t want to go wherever they were taking us. Nothing good could come of it. When I caught sight of the alleyway, I nearly whimpered, only just keeping the sound from escaping my throat. I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction. I was so terrified, and I wanted desperately to just give in and let a full-blown panic attack take over, but I knew if I did that would be as good as giving myself and Taichi up for dead. I needed to maintain calm control as much as possible, at least for now. I tried to take subtle deep breaths, willing myself not to panic. 

Once we got partially down the alleyway, the four of them stopped and surrounded us again, with Kento and Sento staying near me while Tetsuya and Ayashi angled themselves towards Taichi. Despite my best efforts, my breathing was still coming fast in short, choppy breaths, and I knew I was close to losing it. I felt Taichi press himself against me, but for once his presence wasn’t the calm support it usually acted as. I knew that right now he was just as helpless as I was, and I could only worry for him and what would happen to him. 

For the moment, the gang seemed content to just press around us and sneer, and I wondered what they were waiting for. I didn’t want to die, but if I wasn’t leaving this alleyway alive today, I would have preferred they get it over with. I didn’t want them to prolong the torture. 

Beside me, Taichi suddenly spoke up. “Look, it’s me you guys want. Leave him out of this, he had nothing to do with any of it.” 

I swallowed at that, blinking back tears, amazed that even now my boyfriend was still trying to protect me. It was enough to slightly calm me and keep me in the moment. 

Sento laughed at him, even as he was glaring at me. The sound that bubbled up from his throat was dark, and devoid of any humour or even feeling. It made me shiver. “I don’t think so,” he said. 

But it seemed to be the catalyst to kick them into action. Tetsuya suddenly leaned forward and lifted Taichi bodily up by the waist, arms wrapped tightly around him. I could only watch helplessly as he struggled futilely to break free while Tetsuya and Ayashi took him further into the alleyway, and further away from me. 

And then I was alone with Kento and Sento. 

I watched them warily as they circled around me menacingly. My legs trembled in fear. I wanted to run, but recognised how pointless it was. They would only catch up to me and bring me back. I swallowed heavily, daring to look at their twin faces. Sento’s face was filled with hatred, his dark eyes smoldering with a mix of rage and a desire to hurt me, to make me pay. However, Kento’s face and eyes were oddly blank, devoid of any recognisable emotion. He had looked the same when he had first accosted me to warn me I’d pay for what Taichi had done, and it wasn’t hard to bring to mind what both Taichi and Kenji had told me, that he lacked feelings like normal people. I hadn’t really understand it until now. He looked as if he could be doing something as mundane as taking a shower, not like he was about to badly beat and possibly kill two people. It was terrifying to see. 

Lightning fast, Sento’s arm suddenly darted out, clamping down tightly around my wrist. I cried out in surprise and pain, but before I could try and shake him loose, he flung me with surprising strength into Kento. We both fell to the ground in a tangle of limbs from the force of the collision, and Sento laughed. I groaned, rolling off of Kento, who quickly scrambled up and kicked me hard in my side. “Fucking whore,” he grunted. 

I winced and curled up into a protective ball as Kento sent another well-aimed kick at me, his heavy-duty combat boot catching me in the shin and sending a thrum of pain racing throughout my leg. Sento seemed content for the moment to just stand back and watch as his twin beat the crap out of me. It didn’t take long for tears to start coursing down my cheeks, both from the pain and from the sorrow of the situation. How had it ever come to this? I wished I had talked to Dad sooner. Maybe then I wouldn’t be here now, in pain and scared for my life. I felt like I had learned nothing from my past situation with Ken. 

A few more kicks, and then his boot caught on my blazer, ripping it. He cursed and struggled to get untangled, tearing it even more. It didn’t take long for it to wind up on the ground, tattered shreds in it and completely ruined. His kicks after that felt even harder, and I could do nothing but lay there and take it. 

I didn't know how long it had been before Kento at last let up on me, apparently taking a quick breather. My back and legs and arms all felt like they were on fire, and if by some miracle they let me live I knew I’d be covered in massive bruises by tonight. 

My relief was short-lived, however, as Sento quickly moved in to take his brother’s place. A vicious kick to my back had me crying out again. My chest began to feel tight, my breathing once again speeding up slightly. I didn’t want to be here! I didn’t want this to be happening! I just wanted to go home, go home to my apartment and my room and my dad where it was _safe_! Safe and far away from the pain and the fear and sorrow and the crazy gang that was trying to kill me and Taichi. 

Another kick, another yelp, and I couldn’t take it anymore. “Please...” I sobbed, “please stop... I’m sorry for whatever I did, I didn’t mean it, just _please_ please stop...” 

Sento let out a bark of dark laughter, even as he continued to kick me. “I don’t think so, Ishida. You and your little whore boyfriend deserve whatever we do to you.” 

“Please...” I tried again, my voice cracking. “We never deserved _any_ of this... it was you who attacked us first, you who put me in the hospital... You’re sick, and cruel... you love hurting people, you probably get off on it... for once why can’t you make a good choice...” 

For a moment, Sento had actually stopped kicking me, staring down at me with a strange look on his face as I spoke, but at my last words his face darkened. He reached down and yanked me hastily to my feet, ignoring my cry of pain as his face twisted in ugly rage. “Shut up!” he screamed, flinging me against the brick wall of one of the buildings forming the alleyway. The force of the impact knocked the wind out of me, and I slumped down to the ground, unable to even cry out again. 

Sento approached me quickly, grabbing an arm and jerking me back to my feet, holding me up by placing his hands on my shoulders and pressing my back to the wall. “Shut up!” he snarled at me again, getting right in my face. I could feel little flecks of spittle land against my cheeks as he yelled at me. I didn’t dare wipe them away. “You don’t have a damn clue what you’re talking about, you worthless piece of shit!” He then let go of me to slap me across the face, and then his hands were clawing at my shirt frantically, ripping holes in it. “Take it off!” he screamed, and I obeyed hastily. Fear had me not even questioning it. “Useless piece of shit!” he yelled again. 

“I’m sorry...” I said weakly. It was obvious that he was too enraged to be reasoned with. All that I could do at this point was try my best to placate him and hope that they didn’t actually kill us. 

A hand on his shoulder had Sento once again stepping back, letting Kento take his place, though the raging fire in his eyes still continued to burn. Kento smirked at me, and grabbed my arm and yanked me off the wall, tossing me back to the ground like unwanted garbage. The landing hurt, but I had no energy to cry out. 

I zoned out for a bit as he resumed beating me, until a suddenly screamed “Son of a bitch!” jolted me back to the present. That had been Taichi’s voice. I lifted my head up, trying to look over to where he’d been dragged, and briefly saw my boyfriend beating the hell out of Tetsuya. 

Taichi was still fighting. He hadn’t given up. He didn’t intend to just roll over and die. What was I doing? Why was I laying here on the ground, just taking everything Kento and Sento dished out to me? Why wasn’t I fighting as well? 

Suddenly finding renewed strength, I let out a small cry and surged up, grabbing Kento’s wrist mid-swing and yanking him to the ground beside me. He fell easily, caught off guard, and let out a growl of anger. I paid it no mind, and struggled to get on top of him, pinning him to the ground, then began swinging for all I was worth. 

He didn’t fight me at first, probably too surprised. Sento also seemed content to just stand back and watch, though I didn’t understand why. Perhaps Kento had ordered him not to interfere? 

I managed to get in several good punches on Kento before he rallied and began fighting back, the two of us grappling and rolling around on the ground, grunting and fighting for all we were worth. Despite my exhaustion and aches, I wasn’t doing too badly. Adrenaline and anger had kicked in and gave me the edge I needed. Unfortunately, feeling like I was getting the upper hand made me careless. Because he had just been standing there, I stopped keeping an eye on Sento. A familiar intense pain in my side ripped a scream out of me before I was even aware of what just happened. 

I stopped hitting Kento and my eyes widened as I looked down and saw a gaping wound pouring blood out and staining my undershirt. I reached my fingers down in disbelief to touch it, struggling to understand. Sento had just stabbed me... 

My side flared with my pain as my fingers gently touched the wound, coming back covered with blood. I raised them to my face in shock, moaning in horror. I had really just been stabbed. I couldn’t even process it. 

Off to the side, Sento was laughing. 

“You fucking bastard!” Taichi was screaming at the top of his lungs, but I couldn’t figure out what he was doing, because Sento was pulling me off of Kento, throwing me at the wall once more. The pain was so great that I nearly threw up, and my vision was getting black and fuzzy around the edges. I barely even registered the fact that both Kento and Sento were beating on me now, Sento cruelly delivering some of his punches and kicks to the new hole in my side. 

All the fight had gone out of me. I was going to die in this alleyway today, and I knew it. I would bleed to death, if the beating didn’t take me out first. 

I closed my eyes and began to sob. I didn’t want to die. I had so many things left in my life I wanted to do! I wanted the band to become even more famous and make so much great music. I wanted to finish school with all my friends. I wanted to spend my life with Taichi, who I loved more than anything, and be able to be an amazing boyfriend to him some day. I wanted kids with him... I didn’t want to die in a dirty old alley at seventeen, killed by one of my best friend’s crazy twin brothers. 

Loud shouting in the distance caught my attention, and I opened my eyes, trying to lift my eyes and look towards the source, but I was feeling alarmingly weak and the black spots dancing in front of my eyes were getting worse. I blacked out for a moment, and when I gained awareness again I heard what sounded like Kenji’s voice. Confused, I struggled to focus, wondering if I was hearing things or if Kenji really was here. 

“Stop hurting him! Let them go!” 

It was definitely Kenji, though it didn’t make sense. How did Kenji know where to find us? Did he know before-hand that his brothers were going to attack us? If so, wouldn’t he have warned us? 

I wanted to stay conscious, to figure out what was going on and if we were really going to be saved, but I felt so dizzy and weak and I kept drifting in and out. I floated for awhile, unaware of what was going on around me, until I felt intense pain in my side again. My eyes snapped open and I screamed automatically. 

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and then Taichi’s voice said softly, “Yamato, it’s me, Taichi. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. Can you look at me?” 

Somehow I managed to drag my head up and caught my bleary gaze onto my boyfriend’s. Just a glimpse of his worried brown eyes, and then I was gone again, once more floating in a haze of pain. 

I came to once more to some kind of commotion. I could tell that Taichi and Kenji were yelling, but I couldn’t tell why, or at who. I hoped everything was okay. It was impossible to tell what was going on. I worried that I was going to bleed out before any sort of help had a chance of arriving. I felt awful, and I was scared. 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?! You asshole, get off him!” 

I blinked, trying hard to keep my eyes open. That had been Taichi again. He hadn’t sounded angry so much as... sad? Upset? I didn’t know. Everything hurt. It was hard to breathe. The alleyway was spinning, and I wanted to throw up. The black spots were driving me crazy. 

I closed my eyes and hoped I’d have reason to open them again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (09 August 2016 0353PM)


	17. Book Two - chapter seventeen - revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I'm always wondering_   
>  _if it's ever gonna end_   
>  _I can feel it in my bones_   
>  _I can feel it in my bones_   
>  _standing in the dust_   
>  _of what's left of us_
> 
> _I try to understand_  
>  _how we're here again_  
>  _in the middle of the storm_  
>  _in the middle of the storm_  
>  _there's nowhere to go, nowhere to go_  
>  _but straight through the smoke, straight through the smoke_  
>  _and the fight is all we know_  
>  _the fight is all we know_  
>  \- **Zayde Wølf ft. Ruelle** , walk through the fire.

Once the first ambulance arrived, everything afterwards happened in a confusing whirlwind of motion. Yamato was loaded into the ambulance as fast as possible. More EMTs worked frantically on Kenji, until finally one took his pulse, and shook his head. I watched him numbly. Even more EMTs swarmed around Kento and Sento, who were both still unconscious. Tetsuya and Ayashi were nowhere to be seen. They had probably taken off at the sound of sirens. An EMT approached me too, and led me over to the back of another ambulance. I just let him look me over, doing what he told me. I was still crying, my tears sliding down my cheeks silently.

The police arrived then, and things got even more crazy as they crowded into the alleyway. I saw someone putting Ken into the back of a cruiser. He didn’t seem like he protested any, though I had a sudden urge to protest myself. I didn’t understand why. He’d done so much to hurt Yamato, but, in the end, he’d come back to help. 

One of the cops came over to talk to the EMT assessing me. They conferred privately, and then the cop came over to me, crouching down to be eye-level with me. 

“What’s your name, son?” he asked kindly. 

I swallowed, trying to find my voice. “Yagami Taichi.” 

“Taichi, do you feel like telling me a little bit about what happened here this afternoon?” 

“We were attacked,” I said softly. “Yamato and me. They separated us. They hurt him really badly...” I bit down on my lower lip, remembering the agony and terror I’d felt when I’d been sure they were going to kill him. “They’ve already taken him to the hospital.” 

He nodded. “They’ll take good care of him. What about your other friend?” he asked, his voice very gentle sounding. 

I let out a shaky breath. It was impossible to wrap my mind around the fact that Kenji was gone. He'd been here, alive and talking not even fifteen minutes ago, I'd laughed and joked with him in third period just this morning... More tears dripped down my face. “I don’t really know. He just showed up... He tried to help us, but Sento stabbed him... I tried to save him...” I looked down at my hands, which were still covered in his blood from where I’d tried to stop his bleeding. 

“Okay Taichi, that’s good for now. Don’t blame yourself for your friend, it isn’t your fault. Do you have a number we can reach your parents at?” 

I stared at him blankly. Of course I had a number, but somehow my mind was failing to come up with it. “I... I don’t know.” 

He nodded like he had expected that, then motioned to the EMT, who came over. “Well, this man here is going to take you to the hospital to be checked over. I’m sure they can get ahold of your parents for you.” 

“Okay.” 

He left, and I sat there staring off into nothing while the EMTs did their thing. Eventually they came and loaded me into the ambulance properly, even though I really wasn’t badly injured. Once at the hospital they whisked me away into a room, where I sat around some more. After awhile my parents and sister showed up, along with doctors and nurses. 

I looked at them, still feeling numb. Still not able to completely process what had happened earlier. My dad’s face was solemn and worried, and my mom’s was flushed, her eyes red-rimmed from crying. Hikari was pale, and she looked uncertain, as if my parents hadn’t quite told her what was going on. Not that they probably knew much more than what I’d told the cop. 

I cooperated with the nurses and doctors, mindlessly doing whatever they told me. They talked over me, to my parents, and to each other. The word “trauma” was tossed around a lot. At some point, exhausted from the events of the day and completely emotionally worn out, I fell asleep. 

* * *

When I fully awoke next, I was back at home in my bed and had no sense of how much time had passed. Surprised, I looked around and tried to remember leaving the hospital. I did have a vague memory of a car ride, so I could only surmise that my parents had managed to wake me just enough for me to walk to the car and then into the apartment. 

The room was still dark, and I could hear Hikari’s quiet breathing in the bunk above me—which confused me, we hadn't shared a room in years—so it had to be night time or early morning still. I considered going back to sleep, but I didn’t really feel tired at the moment. 

I got out of bed, careful of the painful ache on my side courtesy of Tetsuya's foot. I remembered thinking at the time that it would probably bruise, and had no doubt it now was. My whole face also ached pretty bad, and I dimly remembered falling on it at some point. At the time, I'd been so focused on Yamato I'd hardly noticed it, but now it really _hurt_. 

I left my room and headed down the hall, hearing dim voices coming from the living room. I figured that's where my parents were, and I was right. 

"Mom? Dad?" I asked softly, coming into the room. They looked up when they heard me, and Mom jumped up, coming over to me and putting her hand on my forehead. It was a purely reflex reaction that normally would have annoyed me, but for once I didn't mind. It was much better to have her hovering over me again than to still be avoiding me and acting uncomfortable because of how I’d put Sento in the hospital. 

"What time is it?" I asked, too distracted to bother focusing my eyes on a clock. 

"It's a little after one," Dad answered me quietly. "In the morning," he added unnecessarily. 

"Oh..." 

Mom finally removed her hand from me, satisfied that I didn’t have a fever, and I went over to the couch, sitting down at the end opposite Dad. Mom continued to hover around me. "Are you hungry?" she asked. "Thirsty? Shall I get something?" 

I shook my head. For once, food was the last thing on my mind. "No... it's okay. I'm fine. Why is Hikari in my room?” 

"She didn't want to leave your side, honey. She was worried for you," Mom answered. I nodded at that, and we sat quietly. I wanted to try and process all that had gone down, but I was in too much shock still. 

“The police would like to take your official statement some time tomorrow,” Dad said eventually. “We just have to go down there when you’re ready.” 

I sighed, feeling sorrow overtake me as I thought back again on everything that had happened. Kenji really was... dead... I wouldn’t ever see at him school again, in classes, or at practise with Yamato, or on stage banging away at those drums of his... I wasn’t nearly as close to him as Yamato was, but it still really hurt. 

“Do you think you could tell us what happened?” Dad asked. “Or would you rather just wait until you talk to the police?” 

I closed my eyes, forcing back tears. I didn’t want to think about Kenji being gone right now. “I’ll... I’ll tell you,” I said. “And I swear, we didn’t attack them first.” For some reason it seemed important for me to establish that. “They ambushed us. They wanted revenge for what I did to Sento...” 

I went on to explain my parents most of what had happened, leaving out a few things, like Tetsuya kissing me, and me crying as I’d watched what I thought was Yamato being killed. I didn’t go into every little detail of the fight either, knowing I’d have to do that for the police. I just hit the highlights, and struggled desperately not to cry when it came time to tell them about Kenji. I glossed over it as much as possible. When at last I’d told them as much as I felt capable of, I felt drained. I sank back into the couch cushions, wishing the whole day had never happened. 

“Do you know anything about Yamato?” I asked them. 

“No,” my mom said gently. “The police didn’t tell us too much, just that there’d been a fight and you were hurt and going to the hospital. We didn’t know about Yamato, or your other friend.” 

“I imagine Yamato’s probably still in the hospital, if the stab wound was that serious,” Dad spoke up. “I’m sure they would have notified his family.” 

I nodded, still hearing Yamato's screams echoing in my mind. It wasn't something I'd forget anytime soon. I had no doubt that it was serious. "I want to see him tomorrow," I stated firmly. 

My parents just nodded, knowing better than to try and change my mind. 

* * *

Despite my intentions, I wasn’t allowed to see Yamato the next day. Instead I spent several hours at the police station, giving my official statement. I managed to talk to Mr. Ishida on the phone, but he told me that Yamato hadn’t regained consciousness and only family was allowed to visit for the moment. He told me he would call when Yamato was awake and could have other visitors. I heard nothing from him all day Sunday. I had to resist the urge to call him and ask for an update, knowing it wasn't the time to pester him. 

It wasn’t until Monday morning that he called, saying Yamato was finally awake and that he was being allowed visitors for small periods in the afternoon. I was excused from school, so I spent most of the morning tense and anxious, wishing I could go see Yamato and reassure myself that he was okay, even though I knew there was no way he could be okay. _I_ wasn't okay. I'd already heard my parents whispering to each other about counseling, not that I could blame them. I could probably stand to talk to someone. 

An hour before I was to go, when I was in the bedroom changing my clothes for the third time, Hikari knocked on the door and stuck her head in, her soft words making me abandon my outfit. 

“I think you should wait.” 

"Huh?" was my intelligent response. 

"Yamato just woke up, right?" 

I nodded, a bit dumbly, having no idea where she was going with this. 

"Well, he probably has no clue what's going on. You said he more or less passed out after getting stabbed. He doesn't know what happened to your friend. He doesn't know that Ken showed up, and that Ken helped you. If he asks you, are you prepared to talk about it, assuming his dad will even allow you to? Or are you willing to lie if his dad wants you to keep silent for now?" 

I hesitated. I hadn't thought about that, and the truth was, I _wasn’t_ prepared to talk about it. Wasn’t prepared to tell him that his tormentor suddenly turned back into his ally, and why, or that I'd failed to keep his close friend and band’s drummer from dying. Especially not when I still didn't have all the answers about the whole thing myself. 

But I also knew that if I lied to him, he'd never forgive me. 

I wavered, uncertain. "I..." What did I do? I wanted to see him, but Hikari was right. I wasn't ready to face him. If I was going to face him, then I wanted to be prepared. And that meant having all the answers... 

I sighed. “I’ll call Mr. Ishida.” 

* * *

In the end, I decided to visit Ny instead. I wanted to apologise in person about not being able to save Kenji. I didn’t even know why I felt like I owed him an apology, I knew in a way it wasn’t my fault, but I couldn’t help but wish that I’d been able to do more. I wanted to do the same for Ratsuii after I talked to Ny. 

Ny’s sister let me in when I knocked at the door. This time her hair was completely black, as was her clothes. Perhaps it was her way of mourning? She had to have known Kenji too, though I’d never given it much thought the last time I’d met her. “Hi Emi. Is Ny here?” I asked her. 

She nodded. “He and Ratsuii are in his room,” she said quietly. 

I thanked her, removing my shoes before heading to where I remembered Ny’s bedroom to be. I hadn’t expected Ratsuii to be here, but at least now I didn’t have to talk to them separately. I knocked on Ny’s door, and entered at Ratsuii’s quiet “come in.” 

They both looked up in surprise when I walked in. Ratsuii offered me a small, hesitant smile, but Ny simply stared at me blankly. It unnerved me a bit. “I... I came to give my condolences,” I said awkwardly as I took a seat at the desk. “For Kenji. I know it wasn’t really my fault, but I wish that I could have done something—” 

“He was my cousin,” Ny said dully, cutting me off. 

“What?” I jerked, badly startled by the unexpected news. 

“Kenji was my cousin. My mom’s oldest sister’s kid. Yamato didn’t know either—” 

“Or me,” Ratsuii muttered. 

“Or Ratsuii,” Ny continued on, as if he hadn’t been interrupted. “We just never told anyone. I’m not really sure why. It never came up, and then later there _was_ a good reason.” 

I had a sick feeling that I didn’t want to know, but I asked anyway. “What reason?” 

“Ken.” 

Yep, definitely did not want to know... 

“How does Ken fit into this?” Ratsuii asked, sounding confused. 

"Ken’s also my cousin," Ny said blandly. He could have been talking about the weather. 

"What?!" I half-yelled the word, completely taken by surprise. "No way!" Ken, related to Ny and Kenji? That was impossible. It didn't make sense. We would have heard about it before, or something. Back when Ken was an insanely popular eleven year old and his life was being spread all over the media. And I’d met his parents several times. Neither of them ever gave any indication he was adopted, nor Ken himself. 

"Ken is my mom’s other sister’s child. She died, and the father wasn’t known, so the Ichijoujis adopted him. He was too young to remember, only one, and they never told him. But we knew, and Kenji and his brothers did too." 

I remembered the time we had ditched school to avoid the principal, and being awed at Ny’s house. He had told me his aunt died, and Kenji had leaned over and whispered it had been fourteen years ago. He had apparently been talking about Ken’s mom, his real one that I never knew existed. 

"Hey, that time!" Ratsuii said suddenly. 

"What time?" I asked, blinking. 

Ratsuii ignored me, turning to Ny. "That time we had band practice, and I'd brought Gen along. You said to Kenji that your mutual friend had come to see you—was that Ken you meant?" 

“Yes, that was Ken.” 

“Why would Ken come to see you?” I asked. “If he didn’t know anything.” 

Ny sighed, for the first time showing a bit of emotion. He looked weary. I reminded myself that he hadn’t just lost a bandmate, he’d lost a cousin. A family member that he was very close to. “Ken came to see me after he broke out, because he’d found out.” 

My eyes widened. “How?” 

“Did Yamato ever tell you that he found out Kento and Sento are Kenji’s brothers?” 

I shook my head. “Kenji told me himself, actually, before Yamato did.” 

“Well, just like the rest of us, they were also aware of Ken’s secret relation to us.” He paused. “You won’t like this next bit. If you’d rather me not tell you anymore, I won’t.” 

“Tell me,” I said immediately, grimly. “I’m sick of secrets.” 

“Well, you know when the news about Yamato broke, it was all around the school for awhile. And so they heard the rumours like everybody else, and after you two had that first run in with their gang, they apparently felt it necessary to visit Ken to... well, to tell him they approved of what he’d done.” 

“That’s sick,” Ratsuii remarked, sounding a bit sick himself. I could relate, though I kept quiet. I needed to hear the rest of this. I really was sick of everyone keeping secrets about everything. If we'd all just talked, so much of this could have been avoided. 

“They also told him the truth about who he was. When he came to see me, he said that was the real reason he’d broken out. That he was very upset about what they’d told him. He sought them out first, wanting them to hide him, which they did. But he watched what they were like, and got more and more sickened by it. He said it made him feel sickened by what he’d done to Yamato, and that he went to see him—” 

“Yeah, he tried to apologise. Yamato wasn’t having it,” I said, my voice harsh. Thinking about Ken trying to apologise after everything he’d done still made my blood boil. 

“Well, he told me that after he went to see Yamato, he had nowhere else to go but back to Kento’s hideout. He said the gang would come around constantly, gloating about all the horrible stuff they’d done, and that Kento started trying to pressure him into joining them, believing he’d be a great asset.” 

“He turned them down?” I asked disbelievingly. “Seems like he would have fit right in.” 

Nyusumi shook his head. “I can’t forgive what he did to Yamato, but he was very clear in his dislike for Kento and Sento. Of course, he’s also not stupid, and he lied to them about wanting to join but needing to lie low for awhile. He also started doubting that he was related to them. They once mentioned Kenji being their brother, so he wanted to seek Kenji out and find out if they were telling the truth. But he didn’t want Kento and Sento possibly seeing him talking to Kenji, so he sought me out instead, thinking I would hook him up with Kenji.” 

“Did you?” I asked, hardly believing all of this had gone on. I felt overwhelmed by all the new information. It was a lot to take in. 

“No. I let him in, let him ask me if it was true, and then I confirmed that it was, that he was related to Kenji and his brothers, and me as well, that all of our moms were sisters. I told him he had a lot of nerve showing up at my house, and asked how he even found out the truth. That’s when he explained everything to me, and how Kento wanted him to join but he didn’t want to.” 

Ny paused and shook his head before going on. “I told him I couldn’t help him. That I didn’t want to, because I couldn’t forgive how he’d hurt Yamato. He tried apologising to me too, but I told him I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to call the cops, but I knew he wouldn’t stick around for them to arrest him again. So I just told him to get the hell out and stay away from Yamato, and Kento and Sento as well. He left, and I didn’t see him again until yesterday.” 

“Yesterday?” Ratsuii asked surprised, before I could. 

“When my parents got the news that Kenji was dead from my aunt, they also found out that Ken had been there, and was arrested,” Ny explained, voice flat. “I went to go see him.” 

“What happened?” Ratsuii asked softly. 

“Nothing much. He knew where to go because Kento and Sento stopped by shortly before attacking you, Taichi, and told him what they were going to do. They asked if he wanted to come along. He said he didn’t want to risk getting caught and already had plenty of chances at Yamato, so he’d let them have a turn.” 

“Bastard,” I muttered, feeling disgusted. 

“He waited until they left, and then ran to find Kenji and convinced him to help him go after you guys. That’s why they showed up. That’s why Kenji’s dead.” 

“Ny, that isn’t—” Ratsuii started to say. 

“Yes, it is,” Ny said back, and I had the feeling they’d already had this argument at least once today. 

“Sento was the one to stab him. Sento was the one to kill him. Not Ken. It isn’t Ken’s fault.” 

“YES IT IS!” Ny roared, startling us both. “I _know_! I fucking know it was Sento’s knife that killed him! I don’t care! If it hadn’t been for Ken bringing him, Sento’s knife _never_ would have killed him!” And with that he burst into sobs, great, loud ones that wracked his whole body as he poured out his grief. I sat there, wide-eyed and uncomfortable, uncertain what to do, his overwhelming sorrow causing my own to threaten to come out. 

Ratsuii got up and put his arms around Ny, who grabbed onto him and clung tightly as he cried. “You should probably go now,” he whispered to me as he attempted to comfort Ny. 

“Right,” I said quietly, feeling awkward as I blinked back my own tears, my vision blurring. “I’m so sorry. For everything that happened, and for Kenji. I tried to save him, I really did. And tell him thanks for telling me all this.” 

He nodded. “He knows you did. And I’ll tell him. Bye, Taichi.” 

“Bye.” I wiped at my eyes, then gave a little half-wave and saw myself out. 

I walked home slowly, thinking over everything I’d heard, just trying to make sense of it all. I wondered how I would tell Yamato any of it, or if I would. I didn’t even know how he was doing right now, though, or if he’d be in any state to be told anything. I supposed I would have to visit him tomorrow, prepared or not, and see how things went. At least I had the answers now. 

I wished life hadn’t gotten to be such a mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (10 august 2016 0156AM)


	18. Book Two - chapter eighteen - undone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _but if you close your eyes_  
>  _does it almost feel like_  
>  _nothing changed at all?_  
>  _and if you close your eyes_  
>  _does it almost feel like_  
>  _you've been here before?_  
>  \- **Bastille** , pompeii.

I came to slowly, feeling disoriented and dizzy. I blinked my eyes rapidly, trying to adjust to the lights that felt too bright.

“Yamato?” An anxious voice said softly, and I groaned, trying to turn my heads towards the voice. Eventually I was able to focus enough to see that it was my dad, standing beside whatever bed I was in. To my surprise he wasn’t alone. Takeru was to his right, and behind the both of them a little ways was Natsuko. 

My immediate reaction was to be unhappy about her presence, but it did give me pause, wondering why she was here. I could tell from my surroundings that I was in a hospital bed, but she’d never stuck around any of the other times I’d been in the hospital... For that matter, why was I here this time? My memory felt fuzzy at the moment. 

I shifted slightly, and felt a flare of pain in my right side. I moaned. 

“Yamato?” Dad’s voice came again. “Are you okay?” 

I opened my mouth, wanting to tell him it hurt, but I couldn’t get the words out. My lips felt dry and cracked. Luckily Dad seemed to realise the problem after a moment, and the end of straw was soon placed in my mouth. I sipped slowly, relishing the taste of the cool water. Eventually I had enough and pulled my head away. 

I opened my mouth once more and tried again. “Side hurts,” I said hoarsely. It reminded of waking up in the hospital after Ken had stabbed me, and I didn't like it. What had happened? There was something, hovering at the edges of my memory, but I couldn't pull it forward. 

Beside Dad, Takeru made a distressed sound at my words. “S’not too bad,” I tried to reassure him. I didn't want him to be upset. 

“I’ll get a nurse,” Natsuko said softly, and slipped out of the room when Dad nodded at her. 

Takeru stepped up closer to me, and I could see now the worry and exhaustion and fear in his face. “I’m glad you’re awake,” he said quietly. 

“How long has it been?” I asked. I searched my memory, trying to recall what had happened. I could vaguely remember hearing Taichi... screaming? And someone laughing. 

“About two and a half days.” 

My eyes widened a bit in disbelief. “Really?” 

Takeru nodded. 

Before I could say anything else, Natsuko came back in with a nurse, who then spent the next several minutes looking me over and asking a few questions, testing my memory as well. Thankfully my memory seemed to be fine on everything except what had happened to me, which she said was normal. Finally she said something about adjusting my morphine and sending the doctor in to see me later, and then left. 

“Morphine?” I asked, and Takeru grinned. 

“You woke up once before,” he told me. “You were a bit high on it. It was sort of funny.” 

“It’s to keep you from being in too much pain,” Dad said. “You were hurt pretty badly.” 

“How did I get hurt?” A brief flash of being thrown into a wall fluttered through my memory, but that didn’t explain the pain in my side. And if _both_ of my parents were here, it must have been really bad. Possibly 'thought I was dying' bad. 

Dad looked uncomfortable, though I couldn’t figure out why. “You were stabbed,” he said reluctantly. 

I blinked, not even sure how to process that. I definitely didn’t remember getting stabbed, though I could make a pretty good guess at who might have done it. I shuddered slightly, recalling the time Sento had ran his knife down my cheek. 

“What happened?” I asked, wanting the full story, but Dad shook his head. 

“It’s better for you to let the memories come back on their own. Don’t worry about it now, just give yourself a few days to recover first.” 

I was angry at that, not liking the gap in my memory, but knew better than to argue about it with Dad right now. It wasn’t like I really had the strength anyway. “Fine,” I bit out, at least letting him know I wasn’t happy about it. 

Dad looked relieved that I wasn’t going to fight him on it. Sensing the rapidly building tension, Takeru spoke up, starting to chatter on about school and how he’d been doing lately. I focused on him gratefully, and spent the next hour listening to my brother with a smile on my face. 

* * *

Tuesday afternoon Taichi finally showed up, and I seized my chance. I still didn’t know what had really happened to me, though I’d had a few other random flashes and could gather that I’d likely been attacked by Kento and Sento. But I didn’t know just how bad it might have been, or what exactly to happened to me and them, and if Taichi was there too... I remembered hearing him screaming, so I was pretty sure he was, but I didn’t know if he’d been hurt too. 

Dad, knowing that Taichi was coming to visit me, had taken the chance and gone home to shower and take care of a few things at the apartment for a bit. And once Taichi got here, it wasn’t hard to convince Natsuko to head down to the cafeteria with Takeru for a bite to eat and give me a chance to visit with him for awhile. 

“You don’t look as bad as I was expecting,” Taichi greeted me when we were finally alone. 

I snorted. “Thanks,” I said dryly, and he grinned at me. 

“So your mom’s here, that must be a bit weird.” 

I shrugged. “She doesn’t really talk to me, I think she’s mostly just here because of Takeru.” 

He looked like he wanted to disagree with me on that, but wisely didn’t say anything. Privately though, I _did_ wonder. It was unlike her to stick around, and she had attempted conversations with me a few times. Dad had always insisted she cared about me, and that he kept her updated on my life as much as possible. And she definitely didn’t seem clueless when she was trying to talk to me... 

I shrugged my shoulders mentally, deciding to think about it later. Right now I had a short amount of time to get information out of my boyfriend, and I was going to take advantage. 

“Taichi,” I said, cutting off his rambling about how he’d wanted to visit me yesterday but Hikari had convinced him not to. 

“Huh?” 

“Tell me everything that happened,” I said, looking him directly in the eyes. I knew that Dad and the doctors wanted the memories to come back on their own, but I was doubtful they all would, and I didn't want to be kept in the dark anymore. I needed to know what had happened to me, to _us_. 

Like Dad yesterday, he immediately looked uncomfortable. It put an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. I got the sense there was something big, something that perhaps no one wanted to tell me. 

“Please, Taichi,” I implored him, trying to convey how important this was to me. 

He sighed, and came over to the bed, shoving me aside to sit next to me. “What do you remember?” 

I frowned. “Not much. Dad said I was stabbed, and I can easily guess who did it, but I don't remember how they got to us, or where. I kind of remember you screaming, and hearing someone laughing...? And I remember being thrown into a wall a couple of times...” 

“Well,” Taichi said, swallowing heavily. “As you can probably guess, we were ambushed by Kento and Sento’s gang on the way home from school Friday afternoon. They tricked us by one of them making a noise behind us, and then when we turned back around they were all there...” 

Taichi went on, explaining the fight in the alleyway, and how we’d been separated and he didn’t know everything that happened to me. He told me what had happened to him, how Tetsuya had kissed him and told him they’d just been ordered to distract him, which sickened me. 

“I heard you scream, and I looked up, and you were on top of Kento, touching your side and there was so much blood coming out of you... Sento was off to the side, holding his knife, and he was the one laughing. I tried to run to you, to check on you or help you somehow, I didn’t even know, but Ayashi grabbed me and I could only watch as Kento and Sento continued to beat you...” 

He wasn’t crying, but I could hear the tears in his voice, and knew reliving it for me wasn’t an easy thing for him to do. It made me love him all that much more, for finding the strength to tell me anyway, and I was very glad that we both survived our encounter. 

Taichi kept talking, telling me what happened next. I was dumbfounded when he started explaining how Kenji and Ken had shown up and jumped into the fray. “He was laying on top of me, and I kept begging him to move because Sento was coming over to us...” He paused, and shuddered. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, trying to offer what comfort I could. 

“Yamato...” Taichi paused and looked at me, and I was shocked to see he was crying now, endless trails of tears rolling down his cheeks and dripping down onto the hospital bed. “Kenji didn’t make it.” 

I stared at him, my brain refusing to connect the dots. “What do you mean? He didn’t get off of you? Surely he must have at some point because you’re here now...” I said weakly, but Taichi was shaking his head. 

“I’m so sorry, Yamato. Sento—Sento killed him. He pulled him off of me and slammed his head into the ground over and over and then he stabbed him...” Taichi was crying hard now, his whole body shaking as he recited the gruesome tale to me. “I tried to save him, I tried to stop the bleeding and Ken and I gave him CPR but he didn’t make it. Kenji is gone, Yamato, I’m so sorry.” 

“No,” I said. “No, you’re lying.” I felt very disconnected from everything suddenly. I didn’t want to believe what Taichi said. I didn’t want it to be true. 

“Yamato...” 

“No!” I shoved at him, suddenly angry. How could he tell me something so awful like that? There was no way it could be true. “You’re lying! He’s not gone!” 

Taichi sobbed, and tried to grab my hand, but I yanked it away, not wanting to be touched. “Yamato, please... I’m not lying. I’m so sorry. I really tried to save him, I wanted to...” 

“No!” I screamed it at him, shoving at him more insistently, suddenly wanting nothing more than for him to go away and leave me alone. “Stop lying! Kenji isn’t dead!” I began to sob. “He’s not gone!” 

“Yamato, please stop!” he begged me, but I pushed again, and he fell partially off the bed, stumbling as he tried to catch himself with his feet. 

“Get away from me!” I yelled loudly, tears streaming down my own face. “Get out and leave me alone!” 

A few nurses rushed in then, with Natsuko and Takeru trailing not far behind, both of them looking alarmed. “What’s going on in here?” one of the nurses demanded. 

“He’s lying!” I screamed at them. I picked up the empty glass from the nightstand next to me that had held my water, and threw it at Taichi. He didn’t even try to duck, just let it hit the side of his head as he sobbed. 

The nurses swarmed over to me, one of them grabbing my wrists to keep me from throwing anything else. I lashed out immediately, kicking and screaming at her. “Let me go! Don’t you fucking touch me! Let me go!” 

“We’re gonna have to sedate him,” another nurse said, and I screamed at her again. 

“Don’t you fucking dare! You let me the fuck go!” I kicked out at them again, feeling enraged, and she grabbed my legs, putting all her body weight into keeping them restrained. I gave a wordless yell and tried to fight her off. Amidst the chaos, I caught a glimpse of Natsuko and Takeru. Natsuko had a hand over her mouth, and she was crying. It surprised me. Takeru was also looking very upset, and his face was pale. It made me feel a bit ashamed, and I calmed down a bit, just in time for one of the nurses to slip a needle into me. 

My eyes widened, suddenly angry again, and I began to struggle and scream again, but my eyes quickly began to grow heavy, and it was getting harder to keep up the strength to fight. I looked over to where Taichi had last been, and saw him huddled into a ball on the floor, arms wrapped around himself as he cried and shook. 

I closed my eyes, and let the world fade away for awhile. 

* * *

When I came to again, still feeling groggy from the sedative, it was dark out. Natsuko and Takeru were gone, but Dad was sprawled out in a chair nearby, fast asleep. For a moment I was confused, unable to remember what had happened, but then I remembered Taichi’s voice telling me _Kenji is gone_. 

I’d accused him of lying. I _wanted_ him to be lying. I couldn’t believe that Kenji could really be... 

“Dad!” I said suddenly, as loud as I dared. I didn’t want to draw the attention of the nurses again. 

He stirred, but didn’t wake. “Dad!” I said again, slightly louder and more insistent. 

He started, and straightened up. “Huh? Yamato?” he mumbled, still half-asleep. 

“Is it true?” I demanded, not giving him a chance to wake up more. 

He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and looked at me, confusion written across his face. “Is what true?” 

“Is... is Kenji really gone, like Taichi said?” 

Dad sighed then, a deep, heavy sigh full of sorrow, and I knew without him even having to say it. Kenji really was gone. “Yes, Yamato. I’m so sorry...” 

I began to sob then, feeling drowned by sudden grief, my heart a heavy ache in my chest. Even though I knew in my heart it was true, that Taichi would never have lied to me, I still couldn’t believe it, couldn't believe that Kenji was dead. Dad gave another sad-sounding sigh, and then got out of the chair and came over to me, hugging me. He didn’t say anything, knowing words wouldn’t help right now. He simply held me tight as I clutched desperately onto him and cried. I cried not only for Kenji, but for myself, and for everything that had been lost these past few months. 

No matter what came next, I knew I would never be the same again. I could never go back to the 'before' that I so constantly longed for. I was forever changed, and Kenji was forever gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (10 August 2016 0131PM)


	19. Book Two - chapter nineteen - epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _from now on I'll try not to show my tears_  
>  _I'll open the eyes of my heart and head for the unseen future_  
>  _this time I'll believe and have strength_  
>  _I'll have the courage to stand up again_  
>  \- **Maeda Ai** , keep on.

“Today’s the day,” I mumbled to myself as I looked in the mirror. I rinsed my razor one last time and put it back, my face now clean-shaven. “Sixteen years...”

My gaze caught on the scar on my left shoulder, courtesy of Ken’s knife all those years ago. I wasn’t a teenager anymore, and hadn’t been for a long time, but I could still remember the fear as he’d chased me down the hallway of Dad’s apartment like it was yesterday. It had taken me a long time to learn to be comfortable with this scar. Ultimately it had been Taichi’s constant acceptance of it that had helped the most. 

“Daddy, Papa says to hurry up!” Naozumi ran in, hands fisted at his sides impatiently. “And he says to stop stressing!” 

I smiled despite myself. Taichi knew me well. “Oh, he does, does he?” 

“Yes!” Naozumi exclaimed firmly, trying to stand tall and look important. As he was only seven and a bit short for his age, it was an amusing—if adorable—sight. 

I laughed. “Alright Nao, tell him I’ll be along in a minute.” 

“Okay!” He beamed and ran back out of the room, presumably to go deliver my message to Taichi. 

I smiled again, his brief presence having lightened my mood just the tiniest. Taichi and I had adopted him five years ago, when he was just two years old. We had been discussing possibly finding a surrogate mother to carry a child from one of us when he came into our life. Koushiro had rescued him at age one from an abusive household, but none of Koushiro’s foster families had been able to take him in. In desperation, he asked if we’d take him just for a night or two while he tried to place the toddler. We quickly fell in love with him and made him ours a year later. Now, at seven, he actually resembled me a little bit, with his blond hair and blue eyes. I knew it wouldn’t last, but for now most people mistook us as being related by blood. 

I looked at myself again in the mirror, letting my gaze gradually drift down to my right side, where the scar from my other stab wound was located. Absently, I brushed my fingertips over it. This one had taken a lot longer to heal from. 

Physically, it wasn’t really all that long, though it had felt like it. Maybe a month or two, though I’d been released from the hospital after only a week. Mentally though... it had been rough. Once I was home most of my friends had stopped visiting me because they were afraid of intruding, and I had stopped eating completely and spent most of my days sleeping. Taichi had come by every day, but I had always ignored him. 

Eventually my dad had called Dr. Kaos, and when he came by they decided to take me back to the hospital. A psychologist had evaluated me the next day, and it hadn’t taken long for him to decide I needed to be admitted to a mental hospital. 

“Yamato, what the heck is taking so long!” Taichi yelled out suddenly from the other room. “We’ll be late!” 

I started out of my reminiscing and grabbed a brush to do something with my hair. “I’m fixing my hair!” I yelled back. “Be out in a minute!” 

“Hair-gel freak!” he called in a teasing tone, even though I hadn’t gelled my hair in years. 

“Shut up,” I shouted good-naturedly. I heard Nao’s giggles from the other room, and assumed Taichi was probably sticking his tongue out at me. 

I finished messing with my hair and grabbed my shirt off the back of the door, studying my scars one last time before putting it on. Even though I had mostly learned to accept them, there were still some days they bothered me. Such as today. “I’m sick of doing this,” I muttered to myself. 

“Doing what?” Taichi asked, walking in and wrapping his arms around me. 

I let out a happy murmur and leaned into his embrace. “Sick of visiting Kenji’s grave every year,” I told him. “It’s so depressing. All we do is stand around and cry over how he died. Kenji loved life. He would hate us doing this.” 

Taichi sighed and let me go so I could slip into my shirt. “It’s what Ny wanted, isn’t it?” 

“Yes. And Ratsuii and I let him because Kenji was his cousin, and for the first year or two we thought it might help him heal. But it hasn’t, and it’s been sixteen years now. Going every year is only making it worse.” 

“So tell him that then,” Taichi said, very matter-of-fact. 

I sighed, doing up the last of my buttons. “We’ll see,” I said. “Come on, we better get going or we’ll be late.” 

“That’s what I’ve been telling you!” Taichi exclaimed, shaking his head. He was smiling though, so I knew he wasn’t bothered. 

I leaned over and gave him a quick kiss, then headed out of the bathroom. “Nao! Come on, let’s go to Auntie Hikari’s!” 

* * *

“Thanks for watching him, Hikari.” 

Hikari smiled at her brother. “It’s no problem. Nao’s a good kid, and he and Tohru get along great. And you know I love kids, even if he wasn’t my nephew I’d watch him.” 

I shook my head, smiling. “You spend five days a week teaching small children, I don’t see how you’re not sick of them by the weekend.” 

“Well, I’d have Tohru anyway, wouldn’t I? They’re close enough in age that one more won’t make much difference.” 

I shrugged. “I suppose you have a point.” I looked around the living room and frowned. “Where’s Takeru? Is he writing his next best-selling novel?” 

“Oh, he’s out helping Daisuke with the noodle stand again,” Hikari said. “I think he wants it to be a success more than Daisuke does.” 

“It’s good they still get along; for awhile, I thought they’d never make it past the break up,” Taichi remarked, hands shoved in his pockets as he wandered around their living room. Thirty-three years old, and he’d still never really learned to sit still for long. 

“Well, dating and eventually marrying me probably had a lot to do with it,” Hikari said dryly. 

“Heheh... I suppose so,” Taichi said nervously. He still didn’t like to think about his ‘baby’ sister all grown up and married. 

I just rolled my eyes, not feeling the same way about my own brother. I was just glad to see him happy again. He had taken it really hard when Daisuke had broken up with him, and the two of them had barely been friends for awhile. It really was his marriage to Hikari that had helped the two of them start patching up their shattered friendship. 

“We should probably get going,” I spoke up. “We’ll be late otherwise. Thanks again for watching him.” 

Hikari smiled. “Of course.” 

I raised my voice. “Naozumi! We’re leaving! Come say bye!” 

Nao ran in, giving quick hugs to both me and Taichi. “Bye Daddy! Bye Papa! Love you!” And he zoomed back off again. I blinked. Usually he lingered more, reluctant for us to leave him. 

Hikari laughed. “Tohru got a new game. They’ll probably spend the whole time playing it.” 

“Ah.” I laughed, understanding. Taichi had been the one to instill a love of video games into our son, but I wasn’t complaining, because it was great for keeping him occupied in times like this. “Well okay then. I’m not entirely sure when we’ll back, hopefully not more than a few hours. Call us if there’s any problems.” 

“Will do,” she said cheerfully, waving us towards the door. “Now shoo!” 

* * *

It didn’t take long to reach Ny’s apartment. He lived with his boyfriend a few blocks from the hospital. His boyfriend was training to be the hospital administrator to replace Ny’s dad once he retired, so they needed to be close by so as to be there when needed. It had surprised me when the two of them had started dating, knowing how much Ny disliked the hospital, and disliked how the job had dictated his dad's life—and consequently Ny's—but after six years together they were still going strong. Ny seemed genuinely happy with him, which was all I wanted to see after he'd carried a torch for me for so long. 

“Come on in, guys,” he said, holding the door open wide. “Thanks for coming.” 

“No problem,” Taichi said when I stayed conspicuously silent. He darted a glare at me. Ny just looked confused. 

We slipped off our shoes and followed him to the kitchen, where Ratsuii was sitting at the table, sipping at a glass of water. I remembered that he’d just gotten out of rehab not too long ago, so alcohol was once again off limits for any of us. 

“Hey Ratz,” Taichi greeted. I echoed him, mumbling my words slightly. I really didn’t want to do this. 

“Taichi,” Ratsuii replied, nodding at him. “Yamato.” 

“Your wife watching Yue today?” 

Yue was Ratsuii’s son, the same age as Naozumi, though unlike Nao, he was a very shy and quiet little boy. 

“No, she had an emergency at work. Luna’s got him. A little money makes a great bribe,” Ratsuii said, grinning, though his face still softened slightly when he mentioned his daughter. 

It had really been a huge surprise to all of us. We had spent the first few years thinking Luna was his little sister, but when we were about nineteen or twenty he had sat Ny and I down and told us the truth, which I’d later shared with Taichi, with Ratsuii’s permission. 

Luna was actually his daughter. Before he’d met us, he’d been a runaway on the streets for awhile, and he’d met a girl name Tsukiko and taken up with her. Luna had been born when he was only thirteen, and Tsukiko had died in childbirth. Her parents had fought for custody of the baby, but it had been awarded to Ratsuii, and they’d shunned their visitation rights, blaming him for their daughter’s death. He’d named Luna for Tsukiko, who he’d cared for a great deal, both of their names meaning “moon.” He’d not told Luna the truth until she was around eight, when he’d graduated college and was ready to move into his own place and take Luna with him. 

Taichi laughed. “Maybe I should remember that if there’s ever a time Hikari and Takeru can’t take Nao.” 

“As long as you offer her money.” 

“Duly noted.” 

I shook my head at their conversation and looked over at Nyusumi, who was leaning against the counter by the sink, looking lost in memories, his eyes unfocused and sad. I sighed. I really didn’t think we were doing the right thing anymore. Perhaps Taichi was right, perhaps I needed to say something to him. Ratsuii never would, he still tended to be a peacekeeper whenever possible. 

I went over and leaned on the counter next to him. “Where’s Miki at?” Mizuki—Miki—was his boyfriend, and he usually came with us on these grave visits just like Taichi did. 

Ny looked up at me, frowning and running a hand through his green and blue streaked black hair. He still loved to dye it, no matter how old he got. “Working,” he said shortly. 

“Ah.” I could tell something about Miki had made him unhappy, but I left it alone. He’d talk about it if he wanted. Ratsuii and Taichi were still chatting away at the table, and I figured now was as good a time as any. 

“Ny.” I rubbed at my forehead, feeling worn all of a sudden. “Listen. I don’t think we should keep going to Kenji’s grave every year.” 

Ny narrowed his eyes at me. “And why not?” he asked, voice low. I felt like I was treading through dangerous territory. In front of me, Ratsuii and Taichi both fell silent, and turned to face us. 

I ignored the warning signs and forged on. “It’s not helping. Why do we need to go to his grave every year on the day he _died_?” 

“So that we don’t forget him!” he hissed at me, definitely angry now. It was a warning to quieten, to back off before I said anything I'd regret. 

I was angry now too though, and I didn't heed it. “That’s _bullshit_!” I burst out. “We’ll _never_ forget him! We don’t need to go visit some gravestone over his dead body just to remember him! Kenji loved life, he would have wanted us to be celebrating it every year, not crying over the way he died. He would hate seeing us mourn, you should know that better than any of us." I paused for a moment, rubbing at my forehead. "Look, we'll _always_ remember him, every day of our lives! It's not something you can easily forget, Ny.” 

I stopped for a breath. Ny was looking a bit gob-smacked at my words, his eyes a little wide. “Listen, I’m not saying it's wrong to go. But if you want to go, go to actually _visit_ him, and go whenever you want, not just one damned day every year. You should go because he was your cousin and friend, not out of a sense of duty. This isn't like your dad’s hospital or anything, the dead aren't a responsibility." 

There was a long silence. No one looked at each other. No one moved. 

At last Ny exhaled, momentarily closing his eyes. “You’re right,” he said, opening them again and looking at me. “He would have hated this. He wouldn’t want me going to cry over his death every year. And I never should have forced you guys to keep going with me.” He was quiet a moment. “Miki said something similar this morning. I just didn’t want to listen. I blamed it on him not knowing Kenji.” 

“I’m sure you can sort things out with Miki,” Ratsuii said gently. “He loves you, he’ll understand.” 

Ny’s shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry, guys.” 

There was another brief moment of quiet before Taichi spoke. "So. Let's go visit our friend, shall we? He's missed a lot these sixteen years, we'll need a couple hours to catch him up, and the day's not getting any younger!" He grinned. 

The three of us just looked at him, before we all slowly started to smile back. 

* * *

“I’m proud of you, you know.” Taichi spoke quietly, trying not to wake Nao, who had fallen asleep in the backseat, worn out from his time with Tohru and Hikari. 

“Hmm?” I turned away from where I’d been gazing out the window, looking at my husband. 

“For speaking up to Nyusumi. I’m proud of you.” He reached out a hand to briefly grasp mine, giving it a squeeze before putting it back on the wheel, careful to keep his eyes on the road the whole time. 

My face flushed slightly. “I could just see how much it was hurting him. I didn’t want him to keep hurting anymore.” 

“Still. It was a brave thing to do.” He laughed softly. “And here I thought I was the one with the crest of courage.” 

“Mmm. We’ve known each other since we were eleven, Taichi. You were bound to rub off on me somewhat.” 

“You know the only place we do that is in the shower.” 

“Taichi!” I cried, groaning, but I was grinning. “Not in front of our kid!” 

“Eh, he’s asleep,” Taichi said dismissively. “And besides, he’ll be old enough to start learning these things before you know it.” 

I shuddered. “Please, don’t give me nightmares. He’s supposed to stay young and innocent forever.” 

Taichi laughed. 

* * *

The next weekend was the yearly Chosen reunion at the park. We had started them up again about fourteen years ago, when things had finally settled enough with me for me to actually interact with my friends again. Not everyone came every year just due to life and sometimes awkward relationships, but most of us tried to make it when we could. And now that many of us were older and had kids, our kids came along and enjoyed the chance to play with each other as well. 

“Yamato! Taichi!” Koushiro called, spotting us and waving us over to the group under the tree. 

I waved back as Taichi and I headed towards them. Nao quickly took off when he spotted Tohru with several of the other children grouped near the sandbox. 

We greeted everyone when we got there, and I was surprised to find nearly everyone was there. The only two missing were Iori and Daisuke. Iori wasn’t really surprising, he had drifted away from most of us over the years, mostly just remaining friends with Takeru and only showing up every now and then. Daisuke I assumed was likely running his noodle cart again, trying to drum up business. 

“So Yamato, when’s the next album coming out?” 

Inwardly I sighed, but plastered a smile on my face and turned to Miyako. I had never quite forgiven her for the incident at Taichi’s that one night all those years ago, but she went out of her way to be extra friendly to me at these gatherings. I knew she just felt bad, that she’d grown up and realised she’d been in the wrong, but I just couldn’t let myself quite move past it. 

“Probably not for awhile,” I said. “We just released one a couple of months ago.” I didn’t want to seem too rude though, so I fumbled around for a question, though I didn’t know too much about her life. “How’s your business going?” She had started a running a computer repair business out of her home a year or so after she’d married her now-husband, who she’d met while in university. 

She smiled. “Great! It’s going really well, and it’s nice to be able to stay home and take care of the girls.” She had three of them, I knew. Tomoko was the oldest at six, and Nao had something of a little crush on her. They were in different grades at school, but often played together at recess, and were in the same after school club. 

“They’re doing well, I hope?” Taichi spoke up beside me, rescuing me. I’d have to thank him later. 

“Yes, Tomoko really enjoys school,” Miyako answered him happily. “Poor Hotaru gets jealous watching her big sister go off in her uniform every day. She usually ropes Ayame into playing school with her, though Ayame doesn’t really understand what she’s doing yet.” 

I tuned her out then, not interested in the antics of her four year old and two year old. I turned to Koushiro instead. “How’s the job going?” I asked him. “Find any more kids for me yet?” 

Koushiro had become a child social worker. We’d all expected him to go into something dealing with computers, but he said he’d preferred to keep that as his hobby, and chose social work because he was thankful every day that he’d been adopted by a family that loved him after his parents had died, and he wanted to do his best to help other children find families that would love them. It was a tough job and often thankless, but he seemed happy and wouldn’t have it any other way. 

He shook his head at me, smiling. “I wasn’t even trying to find Naozumi for you, you know,” he said. “And the probability of me receiving another kid that has no place to go and will fit–” 

“Alright, alright, don’t even start in on your statistics!” I interrupted him, laughing. “I was just joking, Taichi and I have already agreed we don’t want another kid for at least a year.” 

Beside him, Jou raised an eyebrow. “You’re considering another one?” 

I shrugged. “Taichi wants a little girl. And I always pictured myself having at least two kids when I was younger. I don’t really mind if it’s a boy or girl, though. I’d just like a kid that’s already a bit older, maybe three or four. Nao was a handful, and it’s hard for me to be there all the time with the band. I know Taichi doesn’t mind, but I don’t want to make him do all the work.” 

“Well, if you’re serious about another child, I can keep an eye out,” Koushiro told me. “Though most of them that go through the system won’t be as well-adjusted as Naozumi was.” 

I nodded. “I know. We haven’t really discussed it too much yet though, Koushiro. Don’t worry about it. We’ll let you know when we decide for sure.” 

Koushiro nodded. “No problem.” 

“So, are you two thinking about kids any yet?” Jou and Koushiro had been dating for several years, since shortly after Koushiro had finished university, though they had lost touch at one point, which I had always felt slightly guilty for. Koushiro had taken my advice and told Jou how he’d felt, but Jou hadn’t been ready for a relationship and they’d drifted apart for a few years. I was glad when they managed to reconnect and work things out. 

Jou made a face. “Not right now. We’d like some, but right now I spend most of my time at the hospital, and Koushiro’s pretty swamped with cases, so the timing’s not really right.” To no one’s surprise, Jou had become a doctor. He mostly worked ER, and was on-call a lot. 

“Yeah, if Taichi’s job was any more demanding, we probably wouldn’t have been able to take Nao either.” Taichi had become a guidance counselor at our old high school. He’d said that seeing me go through so much and feeling so helpless most of the time made him want to help other kids, to reach out to them and let them know they weren’t alone the way I had so often felt. 

Koushiro sighed. “Must be nice, having the afternoons off all the time.” 

A sudden high-pitched shriek from where all the kids were playing had us looking up, and then four unhappy children ran up to us. 

“Daddy!” Nao cried, coming over to me and wrapping his arms around my legs. “Chiyo kicked my sand castle over!” 

“Not!” Chiyo yelled back, a pouty look on her face. Chiyo was Mimi’s youngest, a cute little three old that was the exact image of her father, Mimi’s current boyfriend. She was painfully shy and tended to speak in as few words as possible, often reminding me of Emiko, Ny's twin. 

“Did too!” Kohaku chimed in, apparently feeling no sibling loyalty. With six years between them, it wasn’t really surprising. “I saw you!” 

“She did Uncle ‘Mato, I saw her! You should punish her!” 

I gave Tohru a stern look. “Alright, all of you, calm down.” I squatted down and looked Chiyo in the face. “Chiyo, did you kick over Naozumi’s sand castle?” 

She looked away bashfully, twirling her fingers in her little brown pigtails. “Nuh-uh.” 

“You didn’t?” 

“Accident.” 

“Accident, huh? Did you tell him you were sorry?” 

“No...” 

“Shouldn’t you tell him you are sorry?” I asked gently. 

She nodded. 

“Well, go on then,” I said. 

She trotted over to Nao. “Sorry Nao’s’mi.” 

He smiled brightly, immediately perking up. “That’s okay Chiyo! I forgive you! Come on, let’s go build a new one!” 

I watched in bemusement as all four of them ran off again. Naozumi forgave so easily... I had been nothing like him as a child. 

“Sorry about that,” Mimi said, coming up to me. “I would have said something to her, but you seemed to have it pretty well handled.” 

I waved her away. “It’s no bother. I have to referee disagreements between Nao and Tohru quite often.” 

We watched them playing amicably together for a few minutes, Chiyo happily bringing over water for Nao’s new sand castle. Shou, Sora’s five year old son, had joined them, helping Nao in making walls. “She’s gotten big since the last time I saw her,” I remarked. 

“That was what, nearly two years ago? She’s grown quite a bit.” 

“Do Kohaku and her fight a lot?” 

“No more than any other siblings, I’d imagine,” Mimi said, smiling as she watched her children. 

“Knowing they have different dads doesn’t bother them?” 

She shook her head. “No, it’s never been a problem. Why?” 

“We were thinking about adopting another child in a year or so,” Taichi said, coming up behind me, having finally extricated himself from Miyako. “We were concerned it might cause problems between them, if they knew they didn’t have the same biological parents.” 

“As long as you treat them both as yours and make it clear you’re their parents, it shouldn’t be a problem,” Koushiro said. Mimi nodded along to his words. 

We chatted for awhile longer after that, continuing to catch up on each other’s lives. Taichi wandered over to listen to Sora talk about her job working in her mom’s flower shop, learning everything she would need to some day take over the business. 

Mimi talked to pretty much anyone who would listen about the latest celebrities she’d done projects for. After she’d graduated university, she’d moved back to America for awhile and had managed to become a successful fashion stylist for several big-name celebrities over there. Eventually she had come back here and began working freelance, easily landing plenty of projects with her impressive resume. 

After some time I decided to go sit at a nearby bench and watch my son play with his friends. Koushiro joined me shortly, having had enough of socialising in a large group. We were content to sit in silence for awhile, having become pretty good friends once I’d started getting my life together again. 

“Seems unreal sometimes, doesn’t it?” I remarked. 

He glanced at me, a slightly questioning look on his face. “What does?” 

“Just...” I gestured helplessly. “This. Being here, with all of you guys, having kids, having Taichi, the band... being happy. There was a time I thought I’d never make it, you know? I struggled through so much with Ken, and then I survived that attack on me by the gang, but when I woke up in the hospital and Taichi told me Kenji was dead... for awhile I felt like I’d died too.” 

“The rest of us weren’t so sure you’d make it either,” Koushiro said quietly. “When Taichi told me that you had been sent to the psychiatric hospital in Tokyo, I was surprised, but also relieved, because I hoped they would be able to help you the way we couldn’t.” 

I sighed. “It was really hard for awhile. I blamed myself for a lot of it, and couldn’t stop thinking about how unfair everything was, and how I was sick of having to deal with everything... It was just too much, I just didn’t want to deal with any of it anymore. The first couple of weeks I was there, I was sure I’d never leave again.” 

“It was that bad?” Koushiro asked curiously, then went on immediately, “Sorry, it’s none of my business.” 

I shook my head. “I probably wouldn’t talk about it with most of the other Chosen, but I think you were what kept Taichi sane while I was in there, and you also gave us Naozumi... And the first couple of weeks I refused to eat so they fed me through a tube, so yeah, it felt pretty bad at the time.” 

“Is that why Taichi wasn’t allowed to visit you at first? He was very upset about it, he ranted about it many times.” 

“Part of it.” I lifted a shoulder in a half-hearted shrug, then let it drop. “They made me go to these different therapies and wouldn’t let me spend time in my room during the day and I wasn’t very cooperative at first. I didn’t even talk at all the entire first month I was there. Taichi was my reward for eating on my own and not putting up a fight about things.” 

“I didn’t realise it was like that,” he said softly. “Taichi would always come back from visiting you and he would look really sad and upset, but he would never say much. Just that you seemed okay, but weren’t ready to come home yet.” 

I smiled ruefully. “I didn’t talk to Taichi at first either. Once I finally started talking, I’d say hi and such, but I didn’t really tell him anything happening for awhile.” 

“You must have started talking enough eventually, after all, they did finally let you leave.” 

I smiled slightly. “Yeah. Eventually. Though it was still a long time after I left before I really started moving on and feeling like I was getting my life back. The band going major helped a lot, because oftentimes it kept me too busy to keep dwelling on everything. Naozumi helps too. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle raising a kid for awhile, but I couldn’t imagine life without him now.” 

“I’m very glad,” he said. “I had nowhere else to place him. Taichi had told me you two had talked about kids but weren’t sure you were ready. It seemed likely that watching a child for a night or two would educate you on just how prepared you were or not. I’m very relieved everything worked out well.” 

“Me too,” I said softly. “Life’s not always perfect, but things can get better. I try to remember that every day.” 

* * *

“What were you and Koushiro talking about? It looked pretty serious for awhile.” 

I glanced to the backseat, where Naozumi had once again practically passed out, happily exhausted from his day playing in the sun and running around with a bunch of other kids. 

“My time spent in the hospital after Kenji’s death,” I said quietly. “He was curious.” 

Taichi briefly glanced over at me. “You actually talked about it?” 

“I know he helped you a lot while I was there, just supporting you and being a friend to you. And he gave us Naozumi. I wouldn’t talk about it with most of the others, but I felt like he’d earned the right to a few questions.” 

My voice had gotten slightly defensive as I talked, which caused Taichi to raise his eyebrows. “I wasn’t judging you,” he said. 

I reddened. “Sorry. I guess it is still a sensitive subject, even after all these years.” 

“That’s understandable, Yamato... It was a really tough point in your life. I don’t think something like that ever fully goes away. I still have trouble talking about the attack myself, and I only experienced a fraction of everything you went through, both with the gang _and_ with Ken.” 

“Yeah...” I let out a sigh. “I’m just glad it’s all in the past now though.” 

Taichi pulled the car onto our street and parked it in our usual spot in front of our house. He turned the ignition off, but didn’t get out, looking over at me. “It may be in the past, but that doesn’t mean you should forget it. We’ll both always remember it happened, but as long as we learn from it and don’t let it rule our lives, it’s okay to not forget it.” 

I smirked. “When did you get so wise?” 

He laughed. “It’s always been there, you just weren’t on my level enough to recognise it before.” 

“Oh, is that so?” 

“Yeah, it is!” 

I shook my head, smiling fondly. “If you say so.” 

He scowled, though I could see the amusement dancing in his eyes still. “Shut up.” 

“Make me,” I said, grinning. 

“If you insist,” he said, and leaned over and silenced me with a kiss. I didn’t protest. 

We both shut up after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (12 August 2016 0107AM)
> 
> And there you have it, the end of _Waiting_. It was an incredibly long journey to get to this point. I went through so much real life stuff just during the rewrite of this. I started my first relationship, watched a family I cared for fall apart, went through the death of someone dear to me, lost a house, lost several pets, _gained_ two pets, went back to university for the third time, dealt with some serious health problems, and ended my first relationship. There were so many times I didn't think I would ever finish this fic, so many times I worried that I shouldn't have gone ahead with the rewrite after all, given how long the original version took me to write. It's sort of amazing to think this fic has been a part of me for literally half of my life. I'm thirty-one now, and I started the original when I was fifteen. Sometimes I still can't believe I wrote this large of a fic _twice_. I don't regret any part of it though, because I love this story and the characters in it to pieces. Even the original version, as awful as it (and if you've never read it and you're curious, you can find it at my fic livejournal (lunaticxpandora.livejournal.com)—it even still has a lot of the original embarrassing author notes). Though I can't bring myself to look at the original version anymore, I'm so thankful for it, because it gave me so many original characters I love and enjoy writing, and it gave this much improved version a chance to exist.
> 
> I also want to say thank you so much! to all of the people who've been a part of this story over the years. To all of you who have left kudos, left comments, bookmarked it, subscribed to it... to everyone who reviewed it, favourited it, or followed it on fanfiction.net the first time it went up back in 2001, and again when it went back up in 2006. To Steph/Kaiya, who faithfully followed along with the original version all the way to the end even though it took me four years to finish it. To Sea Queen/Jokessho, who took the time to leave me so many wonderful comments on this version and just _talk_ to me, and made me feel like there was still a reason to post up the rewrite. To taichiyagami, who continuously chose this fic over work (I've so been there). To those of you who haven't done any of the above, but have still lurked and read. I thank every single one of you, because without you I probably would have given up and abandoned this fic years ago. I can only hope the journey was as worth it for you as it was for me. I know this fic still isn't perfect, hell, there's still things I would have liked to change about it ~~including some of the oc names agh~~ , but despite its flaws I hope you enjoyed it still <3
> 
> As for what comes next, I have a few scenes I've written based in the "in-between time," between the end of chapter 18 and the epilogue, that I plan to post up. I'd like to write more, but I'm not sure if or when I would, as I really need to finish _Endless Skies_ first, along with some Final Fantasy XV fics. I also have a short ficlet centered around Luna, Ratsuii's daughter, that I wrote for an assignment in my fiction class a couple of semesters ago, and I'll be posting that up as well (however, it will go up under the _Synergy_ series, not _Waiting_ ). Aside from that, all I really have is tons and tons of notes—notes on the in-between time, notes on the time between _Untold Secrets_ and _Waiting_ , notes on Ken, notes on what happens to some of the other characters during the in-between, character profiles, class schedules, timelines with dates... Stuff that helped me immensely in writing the fic, but didn't really have a way or a reason to actually make it in. If anyone's interested in any of that, I wouldn't mind sharing, but beyond that I have nothing else for this fic.
> 
> Lastly, thanks to sakuradite for the shower joke in the epilogue. I wanted a joke there and couldn't think of anything, so she gave me that amusing line.


End file.
